Uncle John’s Legendary Lost Bathroom Reader

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  According to a Yale study, you think better in the winter than in summer.

  WHAT REALLY

  HAPPENED IN

  1000 A.D.? (Part II)

  On page 118, we told you the dramatic tale of the “panic-terror” of 1000. Here’s the rest of the story.

  WAS THERE REALLY A PANIC?

  To put it simply, many historians think the story we quoted on page 118 is nonsense. Here’s why:

  MAYBE YES, MAYBE NO

  There’s no mention of millennial fears in any official documents of A.D. 1000—or in connection with any important events, such as the eruption of Mt. Vesuvius in 993 or Pope Gregory’s death in 999.

  “The year 1000 sounds impressive,” says The Book of Predictions, but in the Middle Ages, people used Roman numerals. It would simply have been “M” with no magic properties attached to it. Furthermore, numerical dates had little meaning to medieval people. Their lives were guided by the feast and fast days of the church, not calendars.”

  The “panic-terror” story implies that Europeans all used the Common Calendar and celebrated New Year’s on the same day. They didn’t. There were dozens of different systems in use.

  On top of that, there were no printed calendars, and no mechanical clocks. Given these conditions, the idea that the masses rose as one and embraced the terror is a little hard to swallow.

  ORIGIN OF THE MYTH

  So where did the tale come from? Probably a book called Five Histories, written in 1044 A.D. by a monk named Raoul Glaber. His account of the panic-terror is compelling enough to be believable...but it was written after the fact, and there’s little evidence to support it.

  Moose are very nearsighted. Some try to mate with cars.

  The story really took hold in 18th-century France. According to The Book of Predictions: “Wishing to discredit the [values of] the Middle Ages, many writers such as Voltaire and Gibbon exaggerated the superstitions and credulous nature of medieval Christians.” Anti-Catholic politicians also used it for their own purposes, “spreading the rumor that priests had used the millennium to defraud people of their land and money.” Since then, it has been embellished and retold by dozens of modern authors.

  THE MIDDLE GROUND

  If there was a panic, it was probably confined to a few local areas. Henri Foucillon, a respected scholar, suggests that there were “stirrings in France, Lorraine, and Thuringia, toward the middle of the 10th century.”

  And maybe there were. But the interesting question is: Why do some people believe the story today?

  HIGH ANXIETY

  According to Peter N. Stearns in his book Millennium III, the reason is simple: anxiety about the millennium...which may not be a bad thing, if it “pushes people toward soul-searching.” He writes:

  The effect [of the tale of the “panic-terror” of 1000 A.D.] may be rather like a good Halloween story. If told with relish, even an audience that doesn’t believe in ghosts may wonder a bit about some coming fright; a few will buy into the full terror package. In the process, books or magazine articles will be sold, the public will have another kind of sensation to distract them, and maybe some useful chastening of modern pride and superficiality will occur.

  But he insists:

  whether or not we want or need a good scare, as we approach the year 2000 we should at least get the facts about the past right and be properly suspicious of those who try to dish up demonstrable nonsense....

  If we want to be afraid of the year 2000 or 2001, fine, but let’s not pretend it’s because of a clear medieval precedent. If we choose to be scared, fine, but let’s recognize that our medieval ancestors weren’t.

  A plucked eyebrow takes about 90 days to grow back.

  BARNUM’S

  HISTORY LESSON

  P. T. Barnum said, “There’s a sucker born every minute”...then he proved it with his sideshows and circuses. He also wrote about it. In a book called Humbugs of the World, published in 1866, he delightedly catalogued some of die great hoaxes in history. This excerpt was one of his favorites. It took place in 1667 in France, when an ambassador from Persia arrived at the pampered court of Louis XIV.

  THE AMBASSADOR ARRIVES

  It was announced formally, one morning, to Louis XIV, that His Most Serene Excellency, Riza Bey, with an interminable tail of titles, hangers-on and equipages, had reached the port of Marseilles to lay before the great “King of the Franks” brotherly congratulations and gorgeous presents from his own illustrious master, the Shah of Persia.

  The ambassador and his suite were lodged in sumptuous apartments in the Tuileries, under the care and guidance of King Louis’s own assistant majordomo and a guard of courtiers and regiments of Royal Swiss. Banqueting and music filled up the first evening; and the next day His Majesty sent the Duc de Richelieu to announce that he would receive them on the third evening at Versailles.

  THE AMBASSADOR IS WELCOMED

  Meanwhile the most extensive preparations were made for the audience; when the time arrived, the entire Gallery of Mirrors was crowded with the beauty, the chivalry, the wit, taste, and intellect of France at that dazzling period. Louis the Great himself never appeared to finer advantage. His royal countenance was lighted up with pride and satisfaction as the Envoy of the haughty Oriental king approached the splendid throne on which he sat. As he descended a step to meet him, the Persian envoy bent the knee, and with uncovered head presented the credentials of his mission.

  A grand ball and supper concluded this night of splendour, and Riza Bey was launched at the French court; every member of the illustrious court tried to outdo his peers with the value of the books, pictures, gems, etc which they heaped upon the illustrious Persian.

  “The more outrageous a subject can get, the more I like it.”—Alfred Hitchcock

  The latter gentleman very quietly smoked his pipe and lounged on his divan before company—and diligently packed up the goods when he and his jolly companions were left alone. The presents of the Shah had not yet arrived, but were daily expected, and from time to time the olive-coloured suite was diminished by the departure of one of the number with his chest on a special mission to England, Austria, or other European powers. In the meantime, the Bey was feted in all directions...and it was whispered that the fair ones of the court were, from the first, eager to bestow their favours.

  THE AMBASSADOR’S PLANS

  The King favoured his Persian pet with numerous personal interviews, at which, in broken French, the Envoy unfolded the most imposing of schemes of conquest and commerce that his master was willing to share with his great brother of France. At one of these tête-à-têtes, the magnificent Riza Bey, upon whom the King had already conferred his own portrait set in diamonds, and other gifts worth several millions of francs, placed in the Royal hand several fragments of opal and turquoise said to have been found near the Caspian sea, which teemed with limitless treasures of the same kind, and which the Shah of Persia proposed to divide with France for the honour of her alliance. The King was enchanted.

  THE AMBASSADOR DISAPPEARS

  At length, word was sent to Versailles that the gifts from the Shah had come, and a day was appointed for their presentation. The day arrived, and the Hall of Audience was again thrown open. Ail was jubilee; the King and the court waited, but no Persian—no Riza Bey—and no presents from the Shah!

  That morning three men had left the Tuileries at daylight with a bag and a bundle, never to return. They were Riza Bey and his last bodyguards; the bag and the bundle were the smallest in bulk but the most precious in value of a month’s plunder. The turquoises and opals bestowed upon the King turned out, on close inspection, to be a new and very ingenious variety of coloured glass.

  Of course, a hue and cry was raised—but totally in vain. It was afterward believed that a noted barber and suspected bandit, who had once really travelled in Persia, was the perpetrator of this pretty joke. But no one was sure—no one ever heard from him again.

  White House meals were cooked o
ver a fireplace until 1850.

  WORD ORIGINS

  We use them, and we understand them. But where do familiar words come from? Probably not where you’d guess. Here are a few examples.

  Debonair

  French for “of good air.” In the Middle Ages, people’s health was judged partly by how they smelled. A person who gave off “good air” was presumed healthier and happier.

  Gymnasium

  Meant “to train naked” in ancient Greece, where athletes wore little or nothing.

  Carnival

  Literal meaning: “Flesh, farewell.” Refers to traditional pre-Lenten feast (like Mardi Gras) after which people usually fasted.

  Daisy

  Comes from “day’s eye.” When the sun comes out, it opens its yellow eye.

  Ukulele

  In the 1800s, an English sailor gave such enthusiastic performances with this instrument that he was nicknamed Ukulele—“little jumping flea” in Hawaiian. He went on to popularize it around the world.

  Gung Ho

  Means “work together” in Chinese. After a group called Carlson’s Raiders used it as their motto in WWII, it became a term to describe an enthusiastic soldier.

  Ballot

  Italian term for “small ball or pebble.” Origin: Italian citizens once voted by casting a small pebble or ball into one of several boxes.

  Jiggle

  Refers to the jig (a dance).

  Genuine

  Originally meant “placed on the knees.” In ancient Rome, a father legally claimed his newborn child by sitting in front of his family and placing the child on his knee.

  Cab

  Old Italian term for goat. The first carriages for public hire bounced so much they reminded people of goats romping on a hillside.

  Spectator sports: 38% of Americans say they enjoy football on TV; only 16% like baseball.

  THE WHOLE TOOTH

  Some info to give you a little historical perspective when you’re brushing your teeth.

  TOOTHBRUSHES. People have been cleaning their teeth for thousands of years, but the implements they used weren’t much like toothbrushes. Many cultures used “chew sticks,” pencil-sized twigs with one end frayed into soft bristles; they’ve been found in Egyptian tombs dating back to 3000 B.C.

  The first toothbrush to resemble modern ones originated in China around 1498. The bristles were plucked from hogs and set into handles of bone or bamboo. But animal hair is porous and water-absorbent, which makes it a breeding ground for bacteria; so brushing often did more harm than good. Nevertheless, by the 19th century, hogs-hair brushes were the standard for people who brushed.

  Toothbrushing didn’t become widely popular in the U.S. until the late 1930s. Two reasons for its spread: with the invention of nylon bristles by DuPont chemists in 1938, Americans finally had a hygienic substitute for hogs-hair; and every soldier who fought in World War II was instructed in oral hygiene and issued a brush—when the war ended they brought the habit home to their families.

  TOOTHPASTE. History’s first recorded toothpaste was an Egyptian mixture of ground pumice and strong wine. But the early Romans brushed their teeth with human urine...and also used it as a mouthwash. Actually, urine was an active component in toothpastes and mouthwashes until well into the 18th century—the ammonia it contains gave them strong cleansing power.

  Fluoridated toothpaste came about as the result of a discovery made in Naples, Italy, in 1802, when local dentists noticed yellowish-brown spots on their patients’ teeth—but no cavities. Subsequent examination revealed that high levels of fluoride in the water caused the spots and prevented tooth decay, and that less fluoride protected teeth without causing the spots. It took a while for the discovery to be implemented; the first U.S. fluoridated water tests didn’t take place until 1915, and Crest, the first toothpaste with fluoride in it (“Look, Ma...”) didn’t hit stores until 1956.

  Poll results: U.S. bartenders say they hear more complaints about work than any other subject.

  SANDBURGERS

  Thoughts from Carl Sandburg, one of America’s most celebrated poets and authors.

  “Even those who have read books on manners are sometimes a pain in the neck.”

  “Put all your eggs in one basket and watch the basket.”

  “Everybody talks about the weather and nobody does anything about it.”

  “Blessed are they who expect nothing for they shall not be disappointed.”

  “Those who fear they may cast pearls before swine are often lacking in pearls.”

  “May you live to eat the hen that scratches on your grave.”

  “A lawyer is a man who gets two other men to take off their clothes and then he runs away with them.”

  “Six feet of earth make us all one size.”

  “I want money in order to buy the time to get the things that money will not buy.”

  “Many kiss the hands they wish to see cut off.”

  “Time is the storyteller you can’t shut up.”

  “We asked the cyclone to go around our barn but it didn’t hear us.”

  “Someday they’ll give a war and nobody will come.”

  “Who swindles himself more deeply than the one saying, ‘I am holier than thou?’”

  “There are dreams stronger than death. Men and women die holding these dreams.”

  “If there is a bedbug in a hotel when I arrive he looks at the register for my room number.”

  “Why is the bribe-taker convicted so often and the bribegiver so seldom?”

  “Liberty is when you are free to do what you want to do and the police never arrest you if they know who you are and you got the right ticket.”

  After the birth: New parents spend about 50% more on health care and 34% less on alcohol.

  TWISTED TITLES

  California Monthly, the magazine for alumni of the University of California at Berkeley, features a game called Twisted Titles. They ask readers to send the title of a book, film, play, etc., with just one letter changed—and include a brief description of the new work they envision. Here are excerpts from Twisted Titles XII.

  LITTLE RED HIDING HOOD

  Marxist midget shelters Hoffa.

  DON’T FIT UNDER THE APPLE TREE

  The Andrews Sisters experience middle-age spread.

  JUNE THE OBSCURE

  Wally and the Beaver’s reclusive mom tells all.

  THE CAT IN THE CAT

  Dr. Seuss introduces toddlers to the facts of life.

  MY LIFE AS A LOG

  Pinocchio reflects on his childhood.

  THE NOW TESTAMENT

  Bible of the “Me” generation.

  DUNCES WITH WOLVES

  Western epic starring the Three Stooges.

  PATRIOT DAMES

  The DAR does the IRA.

  ’TIL DEATH DO US PARK

  Vows exchanged in New York City gridlock.

  NEVER THE TWAIN SHALL MEAT

  Sam Clemens becomes a vegetarian.

  CANTERBURY TALKS

  Phil, Oprah, Geraldo, and now, GEOFF!

  CLUB TED

  High jinks at Hyannisport.

  MY LEFT FOOD

  Politically correct chow.

  GOYZ ’N THE HOOD

  Jews and blacks unite to drive the KKK out of Beverly Hills.

  THE WINNER OF OUR DISCONTENT

  I’m more dysfunctional than you are.

  SLEEPING WITH THE ENEMA

  A tragedy in one act.

  World record: In 1993, Japan became the first country with of its population age 65 or older.

  GIVE YOURSELF

  SOME CREDIT

  Did you use a credit card to buy this book? Credit cards are a way of life to Americans. In fact, you could argue that those little pieces of plastic are actually the backbone of the American economy. How’s that for a scary thought?...And they haven’t even been around that long. Here is a brief history.

  BACKGROUND By the 1950s, gasoline companies, department stor
es, and major hotels had developed their own credit cards—small pieces of cardboard or metal plates they gave their best customers to use instead of cash (allowing holders to pay for purchases at the end of the month). But these early cards were different than the ones we use today—they were only accepted at the business that had issued them.

  THE FIRST SUPPER

  According to legend, that all changed in one night in 1950, when businessman Robert X. McNamara finished his dinner in a posh New York restaurant—and realized that he didn’t have enough cash to pay for the meal. His wife had to drive across town to pay for it, which embarrassed him deeply. But it also gave him an idea: why not issue a “diners card” that people could use to pay for meals when they were short of cash?

  McNamara proposed his idea to a number of restaurants around town. In exchange for honoring his new “Diners Club” card, he would pay for the meal of anyone who presented the card. Diners Club would absorb the risk of non-payment; the restaurant got the money even if the cardholder was a deadbeat. How the card made its money: it paid the restaurants 90¢ to 95¢ on the dollar, billed the cardholder $1.00, and kept the difference in the form of a “discount.” The restaurants balked at this arrangement at first, but McNamara convinced them that people with cards would spend more money—and more often—than people without them. By the end of the year, he had signed up 27 New York restaurants and 200 cardholders. The age of the credit card as we know it had begun.

  The Danish flag, used since the 13th century, is the oldest unchanged national flag in existence.

  CREDIT CARD FACTS

  • The average American holds 2.9 Visas or MasterCards; even so, credit card companies send out more than 1 billion new credit card offers every year.

  • Why do merchants like credit cards? On average, consumers spend 23% more money when they pay with credit cards than when they pay cash.