Uncle John’s Legendary Lost Bathroom Reader
Page 51
RUMOR: The Snapple Beverage Corp. supports Operation Rescue and the Ku Klux Klan.
HOW IT SPREAD: Unknown. One theory: The maritime graphic on the label—taken from a historic drawing of the Boston Tea Party—may have been misinterpreted as a slave ship. There is also a small letter K inside a circle on the label that signifies that the drinks are Kosher—not Klannish. But the main source may have been the company’s sponsorship of Rush Limbaugh’s program.
WHAT HAPPENED: The company launched a $100,000 print and radio advertising campaign targeted specifically at dispelling the rumor. “It is hurting us as human beings,” one of the company’s founders said in September 1993. “The Ku Klux Klan is a horrible organization. I mean, three Jewish boys from Brooklyn supporting the Ku Klux Klan?”
A handful of countries have been kicked out of the U.N., but only Switzerland refuses to join.
WORDPLAY
Here are the origins of some familiar phrases.
CASH ON THE BARRELHEAD
Meaning: “Paying up front or before a delivery.”
Background: Frontier saloons often consisted of little more than a lean-to shed, a couple of barrels of whiskey, and a wooden plank across them that served as the bar. And when you didn’t have a plank, you just stood one of the barrels up on its end and used it as a bar. Drinks were paid for in advance—by putting your cash on the barrelhead.
GET THE SACK/GET SACKED
Meaning: “Get fired / lose your job.”
Background: When you worked on assembly lines in the old days., you had to bring your own tools—which most people carried in sacks—to work with you. If your boss fired you, he literally gave you the sack—handed you your tool bag and told you to get lost.
OUT OF TOUCH
Meaning: “A person is out of physical or mental contact with others.”
Background: In the 18th century it became fashionable among European military leaders to have their soldiers march as close together as possible. “As a practical way of regulationg his space,” one observer notes, “the soldier in the ranks had to be sure that his swinging elbows would touch those of comrades on each side.” When gaps in the line formed, it was a sure sign that somewhere a soldier was—literally—out of touch.
BEHIND THE SCENES
Meaning: “In the background; out of view.”
Background: It was common in Elizabethan theater to leave important actions and events out of plays entirely, and instead just report to the audience that the event had taken place between acts. Audience members joked that the actions had taken place behind the scenes—behind the props and backdrops on the stage—where no one could see them.
For the first federal income tax (1914), the “normal” tax rate was 1%; five years later, it was 77%.
THE SINGING NUN
She’s mostly forgotten now, but the “Singing Nun” was one of the most famous nuns in American history. Here’s a look at her unusual career.
POP NUN
Remember the Ed Sullivan Show? If you had tuned in to watch it one particular evening in 1963, you would have seen a peculiar sight: a Belgian nun in full habit, playing a guitar and singing a song called “Dominique.” The nun’s name was Sister Luc-Gabrielle, but she was better known as Soeur Sourire (“Sister Smile”)—and her song was fast becoming a pop-music hit all over the world.
Hardly anyone who tuned in that night had any idea what Soeur Sourire was singing—“Dominique’s” lyrics were entirely in French. But the tune’s light melody was so catchy that the song went all the way to #1 on U.S. pop-music charts and ultimately sold more than 1.5 million copies.
The song was a critical success as well, winning the 1963 Grammy for the best religious song and numerous other awards. Soeur Sourire became a star in her own right. In 1966, Debbie Reynolds portrayed her in the film The Singing Nun.
IN THE BEGINNING
Soeur Sourire got her start singing songs during religious retreats. As one nun told Time magazine in 1963, “We have these retreats for young girls at our Fichermont monastery, and in the evenings we sing songs composed by Sister Luc-Gabrielle. The songs are such a hit with our girls that they asked us to transcribe them.” One of the catchiest tunes was “Dominique,” a song that honors St. Dominic Guzman, founder of Soeur Sourire’s Dominican order (and the man credited with introducing rosary beads to the Roman Catholic faith).
In 1961, the nuns decided to record some of Soeur Sourire’s songs and give them away during the retreats...but they couldn’t afford to rent a recording studio or manufacture their own records, so they asked the Philips record company to lend them one of its studios. After a few months of prodding, the company agreed. Philips initially planned to issue a few dozen pressings of the album and donate them to the nuns for their own use, but company executives liked the album so much they contracted with the convent to sell it all over Europe.
St. Paul in Alberta, Canada, is the home of the world’s only (known) flying saucer launch pad.
Philips issued Sister Luc-Gabrielle’s album in Europe under the name Soeur Sourire, and it took the continent by storm. But when it was released in the United States a few months later under the name The Singing Nun, no one bought it. So Philips issued “Dominique” as a 45-rpm single and sold more than 400,000 copies in three weeks.
FROM BAD TO VERSE
Soeur Sourire seemed to adjust quite well to her celebrity status at first...but it didn’t last long: She left her convent in 1966 before taking her final vows, telling the press that she wanted to continue her missionary work while pursuing a recording career. (She did, however, turn all of her song royalties over to her religious order before she left.)
For her next single, she chose a song called “Glory be to God for the Golden Pill,” a tribute to artificial birth control. It didn’t have quite the same ring to it that “Dominique” had. Nobody bought it, nor did they buy the updated synthesizer version of “Dominique” that she issued in 1983.
A Sad Note: Soeur Sourire lived to regret her decision to give up all of her royalties. The Belgian government hounded her for $63,000 in back taxes for the next 20 years, and in 1983 the center for autistic children that she and a friend (also an ex-nun) founded closed its doors due to lack of funds. Her life ended tragically in 1985 when she and the friend were found dead in their apartment, the victims of an apparent double suicide brought on by their financial problems. She was 51.
THE SPIRIT OF 2000
In November 1997, Hair of the Dog Brewing Co. in Portland, Oregon, created Fred—a beer designed to get better as it ages. “Meet Fred the beer you’re not even supposed to crack open until the millennium,” wrote the Wall Street Journal in 1998. The first batch sold out in an hour.
According to one expert, the less you blink the happier you are.
ACRONYMANIA
The AHD (American Heritage Dictionary, in case you were wondering) says an acronym is “a word formed from the initial letters of a name.” Here are some acronyms you may have heard—without realizing they were acronyms. See if you know (or can guess) what they stand for. (Answers are on page 665.)
1. ZIP code
2. DNA
3. DOA
4. EST (there are two)
5. HUD (a govt. agency)
6. INTERPOL
7. KISS (a business axiom)
8. LASER
9. UNIVAC (the 1950s computer)
10. NABISCO
11. NASA
12. NECCO (the candy company)
13. NIMBY
14. NOW (women’s group)
15. OPEC
16. OSHA
17. QUASAR
18. RAND Corp.
19. RBI (sometimes pronounced “ribbie”)
20. REM
21. SCUBA tank or diver
22. SWAK
23. TNT
24. UNESCO
25. UNICEF
26. CAT scan
27. AWACS
28. AWOL
29. CD-ROM
31. WILCO (as in “Roger-wilco, over and out”)
32. SONAR
33. SNAFU
34. NATO
35. SALT (as in “SALT agreement”)
36. RADAR
37. SCUD
38. SAC
39. WYSIWYG (computer term)
40. WAC
41. SEALS
42. MS-DOS (computer term)
43. NORAD
44. TASER
45. RAM (computer term)
46. WOMBAT
47. AKA
48. CANOLA (the oil)
What’s so special about Elvis’s 1957 film Loving You? Both of his parents were extras in it.
CAVEAT EMPTOR
Here’s a look at some advertising claims that prove the old adage caveat emptor—“let the buyer beware”—is still good advice.
TRIUMPH CIGARETTES
The Claim: “Triumph Beats Merit! In a recent taste test, an amazing 60 percent said Triumph cigarettes taste as good or better than Merit!”
The Truth: Actually, Merit beat Triumph. The results: 36% of the people surveyed said Triumph was better than Merit, but 40% said that Merit was better than Triumph. Triumph pulled ahead of Merit only when the 24% who said the two brands were equal were added to the total. That’s why the ad used the words “as good or better than Merit.”
USAIR
The Claim: “USAir had the best on-time record of any of the seven largest airlines!”
The Truth: USAir conveniently forgot that Pan Am, the eighth-largest airline, was actually rated first.
ITT CONTINENTAL BAKERIES
The Claim: “Fresh Horizons bread contains five times as much fiber as whole wheat bread!”
The Truth: The bread did indeed contain five times as much fiber, but the extra fiber came from wood...which the Federal Trade Commission dryly called “an ingredient not commonly used, nor anticipated by consumers to be commonly used, in bread.”
ANACIN-3
The Claim: “Hospitals recommend acetaminophen, the aspirin-free pain reliever in Anacin-3, more than any other pain relievers!”
The Truth: They neglected to mention that Tylenol also contains acetaminophen...and hospitals recommend that product more than they recommend Anacin-3.
Meow! Number of muscles in a cat’s ear: 32.
LEVI’S 501 JEANS
The Claim: “Ninety percent of college students say Levi’s 501 jeans are ‘in’ on campus!”
The Truth: Levi’s cited a fall fashion survey conducted annually on 100 U.S. college campuses. What they didn’t say was that Levi’s 501 jeans were the only blue jeans listed in the survey. Other entries included T-shirts, 1960s-style clothing, overalls, beach pants, and neon-colored clothing. So anyone who wanted to choose any type of jeans had no choice but to pick 501s.
LITTON MICROWAVE OVENS
The Claim: “76% of independent microwave oven technicians surveyed recommended Litton!”
The Truth: The survey included only Litton-authorized technicians “who worked on Littons and at least one other brand of microwaves. Technicians who serviced other brands, but not Littons, were excluded from the study.”
CAR COMMERCIALS
The Claim: In 1990, Volvo aired a commercial showing a monster truck driving over several cars, including one Volvo. The roofs of the other cars were crushed; the Volvo’s roof withstood the abuse.
The Truth: An onlooker videotaping the making of the commercial observed workers reinforcing the Volvo’s roof with wooden planks and welded steel rods...and cutting the roof supports on the other cars. The man turned over his evidence to the Texas state attorney general’s office; they alerted the media and threatened to sue Volvo. The company, embarrassed by the negative publicity, removed the ad from the airwaves.
The Claim: In a commercial showing Chrysler chairman Lee Iacocca speaking to the company’s board of directors, Iacocca lectures, “Some things you wait for, some you don’t. Minivans with air bags? You don’t wait.”
The Truth: Iacocca fought for years to keep the federal government from mandating airbags, even claiming that a safety engineer had once told him airbags were so dangerous that they should be used for executions.
Vincent Van Gogh was able to sell only one painting (The Red Vineyard) during his lifetime.
CLOUDMASTER ELVIS
So you thought Elvis was just a rock’n’roll singer? Maybe not. Maybe he had special powers over nature...and was an expert on embalming. Here are two bizarre stories told in Elvis, What Happened? by Steve Dunleavy.
CONTROLLING THE CLOUDS
As Elvis got more famous, he came to believe that he was no ordinary human being. How did he know? Well, for one thing, he believed he could move clouds.
“I remember one day in Palm Springs,” says former aide Dave Hebler. “It was hotter than hell, over a hundred degrees, and Elvis wanted to go shopping. So we all jam into this car....Elvis was talking about the power of metaphysics, although I’m not quite sure he knew the real definition of the word.”
The sky in the desert was cloudless, except for one small, far-off cloud. “Suddenly Elvis yells out, ‘Stop the car. I want to show you what I mean, Dave. Now see that cloud? I will show you what my powers really are. Now I want you all to watch. All of you, look at that cloud.’
“Well, we all look at the damn little cloud up there like a bunch of goats. Elvis is staring a hole through the damn thing. Well, the perspiration is dripping off us. Not a sound in the car, just a whole bunch of dummies dying of heat stroke looking up at the cloud.
“I’m near dying and I am praying that the sonofabitch would blow away. At the same time, I’m really having a problem not to burst out laughing. After about ten minutes, thank God, the damn thing dissipated a little. I saved the day by noticing it first....I said, ‘Gee, Elvis, you’re right. Look, it’s moving away.’ [He] gave me one of those sly little smiles that told me he had done it again. ‘I know, I moved it,’ he says. Then we drive off.”
COMMUNING WITH THE DEAD
“You never knew where a night out with Elvis would end up,” says Sonny West, Elvis’s bodyguard. “Worst of all were the trips to the funeral home.” Elvis had a particular fondness for visiting the Memphis funeral home where his mother’s body had been “laid out.”
Michelangelo drew his illiterate cook a shopping list. Today it’s a priceless work of art.
One night, Elvis and some of his troupe went to the funeral home. Elvis began wandering around, trying doors and poking his head into various rooms. He seemed to be looking for something.
Meanwhile, Sonny had his gun out, expecting a security guard to come charging in, thinking “we’re grave robbers or something and start blazing away.” But no one else seemed to be around.
West recalls: “Then I get the shock of my life. We come into this big room with heads sticking from under the sheets. They were bodies, and they were sort of tilted upward, feet first. This was the damn embalming room. I’m horrified. But this was apparently what Elvis was looking for. He is happy he has found this room.”
Elvis started checking out the bodies, explaining to his companions how people get embalmed. “He is walking around and lifting up sheets looking at the bodies, and he is telling us all the cosmetic things the morticians do when people are in accidents. He is showing us the various veins....How a body is bled. Then he shows us where the bodies were cut, and because the cuts don’t heal, there is only the stitches holding the body together.”
“[Some of us] hated those trips, but that’s what Elvis wanted and you just went along with it.”
Strange Lawsuits: Japanese Version
THE PLAINTIFF: Reiko Sekiguchi, 56, a Japanese sociology professor.
THE DEFENDANT: The University of Library and Information Science in Tsukuba, Japan
THE LAWSUIT: In 1988, the university stopped paying Sekiguchi’s research expenses and travel allowances because she signed official documents using her maiden name in
stead of her married name. So she sued the university, arguing that “women should have the right to use their maiden names in professional activities and in daily life.”
THE VERDICT: She lost.
The average U.S. family spends $3,900 a year on travel.
PRIMETIME PROVERBS
TV wisdom from Primetime Proverbs: The Book of TV Quotes, by Jack Mingo and John Javna.
ON AGING
“Those little lines around your mouth, those crow’s feet around your eyes, the millimeter your derriere has slipped in the last decade—they’re just nature’s way of telling you that you’ve got nine holes left to play, so get out there and have a good time.”
—David Addison,
Moonlighting
ON BALDNESS
“I cried for the man who had no hair until I met the man with no head.”
—Bud Lutz,
Eisenhower and Lutz
Buddy Sorrell [to Mel Cooley]: “I wish you’d kept your hair and lost the rest of you.”
Sally Rogers: “Watch it Buddy, he’ll turn on you.”
Buddy: “What’s the difference? He’s the same on both sides.”
—The Dick
Van Dyke Show
ON DEATH
“Abracadabra, the guy’s a cadaver.”
—David Addison,
Moonlighting
“I’d rather live in vain than die any way.”
—Bret Maverick,
Maverick
ON COWARDICE
“My Pappy always said, ‘A coward dies a thousand deaths, a hero dies but one.’ A thousand to one is pretty good odds.”
—Bret Maverick,
Maverick
“He who chickens out and runs away will chicken out another.”
—Robot,
Lost in Space
ON CULTURE
“Culture is like spinach. Once you forget it’s good for you, you can relax and enjoy it.”
—Uncle Martin,