Uncle John’s Legendary Lost Bathroom Reader

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  The victory made national news, because Curtis was a mule; his hoof prints were even imprinted on the filing notice. Simmons later claimed he’d sponsored the mule’s candidacy “to show how careless many voters are.”

  MAN STOPS FOR BURRITO—ALTERS HISTORY

  ASHFORD, CONN.—“Robert Brady was driving through town last month and decided to stop at a convenience store for a burrito. Next door, in front of Town Hall, he saw a sign that read, ‘Vote Today.’

  “For a lark, the former Ashford resident—who was still registered to vote here—strolled into the Town Hall and voted ‘Yes’ in what turned out to be a referendum on the town budget. He later learned that the $5 million budget had passed by a single vote. ‘Hey, I changed the course of history, all for a burrito,’ Brady said, laughing.”

  —Hartford Courant, July 15, 1991

  At its present rate of erosion, Niagara Falls will completely disappear in 22,800 years.

  PLANNED OBSOLESCENCE

  “In 1978, William Smith, of Waukegan, Illinois, was elected Lake County auditor. But in a referendum on the same ballot, voters abolished the position of auditor altogether. ‘I feel like I’ve gone off a diving board and suddenly found the pool was empty,’ Smith said.”

  —The Emperor Who Ate the Bible

  HEADS, YOU SERVE

  In 1975, Lib Tufarolo and Miles Nelson ran for mayor of Clyde Hill, Washington. Tufarolo got 576 votes; so did Nelson.

  “The law says that in case of a tie you decide the election by lot,” the local superintendent of elections informed them. Then he suggested they flip a coin. Tufarolo was outraged. “It’s just ridiculous. I don’t think that’s how the people would want it done,” he said. But Nelson, who’d spent a total of $5 on his campaign (which was $5 more than Tufarolo had spent), disagreed. He called it “the least offensive method” of settling the issue.

  Tufarolo won the toss and became mayor. The Associated Press noted that “the community of 3,200 appears indifferent.”

  —Fenton and Fowler’s

  More Best & Worst & Most Unusual

  DEAD MEN CAST NO VOTES

  U.S. voters have occasionally elected dead men to office. Usually the candidate dies after being nominated, and it’s too late to remove the name from the ballot and nominate someone who’s alive. But at least once—in 1868—a corpse was actually nominated... and elected. The “elected official” was the last remains of Rep. Thaddeus Stevens of Lancaster County, Pennsylvania. His supporters did it as a tribute.

  Good excuse for being late: Only clocks made after 1687 have minute hands.

  TIPS FOR TEENS

  Here are some classic “how-to” tips for teenagers from the 1950s. We’re sure you’ll find the information as “valuable” now as it was then.

  BOYS’ DATING DO’S AND DON’T’S

  How to Ask a Girl for a Date

  When a boy wants to ask a girl for a date, there are several rules to follow and pitfalls to avoid.

  First of all, he invites her specifically for a particular occasion, giving her the time, the place, and the nature of the affair. He says, for example, “May I take you to the game in Hometown Gym at two next Saturday afternoon?” Knowing all the relevant facts, she has a basis upon which to refuse or to accept.

  In the second place, he is friendly and acts as though he really wants her to accept his invitation. He looks at her with a smile while he waits for her reply.

  If she accepts, he seems pleased and arranges definitely for the time at which he will call for her. If she refuses, he says that he is sorry and suggests that perhaps another time she will go with him.

  How Not to Ask Her

  Boys find that girls do not like the indirect approach that starts, “What are you doing next Friday night?” That puts the girl “on a spot.”

  Boys should not act as though they expect to be refused, as Amos does when he says, “I don’t suppose you’d like to go on a date with me, would you?” This can make the girl feel uncomfortable and is a mark of the boy’s feeling of insecurity, too.

  Girls do not like to be asked for dates at the last minute. It is no compliment to call a girl up the very evening of an affair.

  Since asking a girl for a date is both a compliment and an invitation, a boy needs have no fear of using the simplest, most direct approach he can muster. He might be surprised to know how eager the girl has been to hear the words he is struggling to say!

  Despite its hump, a camel has a straight spine.

  LOONEY LAWS

  Believe it or not, these laws are real.

  In Las Vegas, Nevada, it’s against the law to pawn your dentures.

  In Natoma, Kansas, it’s illegal to throw knives at men wearing striped suits.

  It’s illegal to sleep with your boots on in Tulsa, Oklahoma.

  Michigan law forbids pet owners from tying their crocodiles to fire hydrants.

  If you’re 88 years of age or older, it’s illegal for you to ride your motorcycle in Idaho Falls, Idaho.

  It’s against the law in Tuscumbia, Alabama, to have more than eight rabbits per city block.

  It’s against the law (not to mention impossible) to whistle under water in Vermont.

  In Alabama, it’s illegal to play dominoes on Sunday.

  It’s illegal to eat snakes in Kansas.

  In Barber, North Carolina, it’s illegal for a cat to fight a dog (or vice versa).

  It’s illegal to sleep with chickens in Clawson City, Michigan ...and illegal to walk your elephant without a leash in Wisconsin.

  The law prohibits barbers in Omaha, Nebraska, from shaving the chests of customers.

  In California, it’s illegal to hunt whales from your automobile. It’s also against the law to use your dirty underwear as a dust rag.

  In St. Louis, Missouri, it’s illegal for you to drink beer out of a bucket while you’re sitting on a curb.

  Cotton Valley, Louisiana, law forbids cows and horses from sleeping in a bakery.

  The maximum penalty for double parking in Minneapolis, Minnesota, is working on a chain gang with nothing to eat but bread and water.

  For the past 150 years, Bolivia has averaged about one new government a year.

  A FOOD IS BORN

  Sure, you’ve eaten the foods...but at the BRI we know that you can’t really enjoy them unless you know their origins, too.

  CHEX CEREALS

  When William Danforth was a child, the mother of a classmate bought a bolt of gingham cloth and made checkered pants, shirts, and dresses for every member of the family. The odd clothing made such an impression that townsfolk were still talking about it decades later.

  That’s why, when he wanted a distinctive trademark for his Ralston Purina products, Danforth adopted a checkerboard pattern. He became so obsessed with it that he wore red-check ties, jackets, and socks to work, and even changed the company’s address to Checkerboard Square. Then, in 1937, he commissioned a checkerboard breakfast cereal, Wheat Chex. Rice Chex followed in 1950, Corn Chex in 1958, and Bran Chex in 1987.

  KOOL-AID

  Edwin E. Perkins, a prodigious entrepreneur of the 1920s, was the president of a company called Onor-Maid that sold more than 125 different household products—including spices, food flavorings, toiletries, and medicines, many of which Perkins had invented himself. One of his products was Fruit Smack, a fruit-flavored soft drink syrup that was popular with people who couldn’t afford the new drink Coca-Cola. But Fruit Smack was shipped in glass bottles, which were expensive and frequently broke in transit. So when Perkins saw how successful the new powdered gelatin product, called Jell-O, was becoming, he decided to convert his syrup into powder form and sell it that way. (He also renamed the product Kool-Aid, modeling it loosely after the company name, Onor-Maid.)

  RAGU SPAGHETTI SAUCE

  When Giovanni and Assunta Cantisano stepped off the boat at Ellis Island at the turn of the century, they brought with them a few belongings...and the family recipe for spaghetti sauce. Giovann
i opened a store selling Italian wine and foods. He thought he might be able to make a little extra money selling the family’s spaghetti sauce there, too; so in 1937 he put some in mason jars and stocked his shelves with it. He never bothered to name it—he just called it Ragú, the Italian word for “sauce.”

  Nothing to sneeze at: Pollen lasts forever.

  Today Ragú controls about 60% of the $550 million spaghetti sauce market.

  GOLD MEDAL FLOUR

  In 1856, Cadwallader C. Washburn built an enormous new flour mill in Minneapolis, Minnesota. However, flour from harsh Minnesota wheat was dark and not very popular. So Washburn hired an engineer to design a system for separating the bran from the rest of the wheat. The result: a whiter, more desirable flour. To help shake consumer bias against Minnesota wheat flour, in 1880 Washburn entered his flour in the first Millers’ International Exhibition... and won the gold medal.

  CELESTIAL SEASONINGS

  In the 1960s, four hippies spent their time roaming the Rocky Mountains gathering herbs for their own homemade tea. They got so good at it that they decided to sell herbs to local health food stores. They bankrolled the operation by selling an old Volkswagen and named the company after one of the women, whose “cosmic” 1960s name was Celestial. Today, Celestial Seasonings is the largest herbal tea company on Earth.

  HAWAIIAN PUNCH

  “Hawaiian Punch was not invented in Hawaii,” writes Vince Staten in Can You Trust a Tomato in January? “Nor was it invented by Hawaiians. It was invented in 1936 by a couple of Southern Californians, A. W. Leo and Tom Yates.”

  “It actually began as a soda fountain syrup. Mixed with water it was a drink, but it could also be used as an ice cream topping. By 1944, department stores were selling it in their gourmet food sections, so Leo began bottling it for consumers....At first it was only available as a syrup. [Then] Leo brought it out in a premixed 46-oz. bottle.... It owes a large part of its national popularity to its late-fifties TV commercials with a guy in a Hawaiian shirt offering a friend a Hawaiian Punch and giving him a sock in the puss.”

  Heavy thought: Hailstones can weigh as much as 1½ lbs.

  THE GRIMM PHILOSOPHY

  The Brothers Grimm are among the most famous storytellers in history. During the 1800s, they collected such classic folk tales as Rumpelstiltskin and Cinderella. But these weren’t the Disney versions—the view of life portrayed in Grimm tales was...well...grim. Here’s an example.

  THE CAT AND THE MOUSE

  A certain cat made the acquaintance of a mouse, and said so much about the great love and friendship she felt for her, that the mouse agreed that they should live and keep house together. “But we must put some food aside for winter, or we’ll go hungry,” said the cat; “And you, little mouse, can’t venture out alone, or you’ll be caught in a trap some day.”

  This good advice was followed, and a pot of fat was bought—but they didn’t know where to put it. The cat gave it a lot of thought, and said: “I know no place where it will be safer than in the church, for no one dares take anything from there. We’ll set it beneath the altar, and not touch it until we really need it.”

  So the pot was placed in safety, but it wasn’t long before the cat had a great yearning for it, and said: “Little mouse; my cousin has brought a little son into the world, and has asked me to be godmother; he is white with brown spots, and I am to hold him over the font at the christening. Let me go out today, and you look after the house by yourself.” “Yes,” answered the mouse, “by all means go, and if you get anything very good to eat, think of me, I should like a drop of sweet red christening wine myself.”

  All this, however, was untrue; the cat had no cousin, and had not been asked to be godmother. She went straight to the church, stole to the pot of fat, began to lick at it, and licked the top of the fat off. Then she stretched herself in the sun. She didn’t get home until evening. “Well, here you are again,” said the mouse. “No doubt you’ve had a merry day.” “All went well,” answered the cat. “What name did they give the child?” “Top off!” said the cat quite coolly. “Top off!” cried the mouse, “What an unusual name. Is it a family name?” “What does that matter,” said the cat, ‘it’s no worse than Crumbstealer, as your god-children are called.”

  The moon weighs about 81 billion tons, give or take a ton.

  Before long the cat was seized by another fit of yearning. She said to the mouse: “You must do me a favor, and once more manage the house for a day alone. I am again asked to be godmother, and, as the child has a white ring round its neck, I cannot refuse.” The good mouse consented, but the cat crept to the church and devoured half the pot of fat. When she went home the mouse inquired: “And what was this child named?” “Half-done,” answered the cat. “Half-done?” replied the mouse, “Why, I never heard such a name in all my life!”

  The cat’s mouth soon began to water again. “All good things go in threes,” said she, “I am asked to stand godmother again. The child is quite black, except for its paws. This only happens once every few years; you will let me go, won’t you?” “Top-off! Half-done!” mused the mouse, “they are such odd names, they make me very thoughtful.” “You sit at home,” said the cat, “in your dark-gray fur coat and long tail, and are filled with fancies, that’s because you do not go out in the daytime.”

  During the cat’s absence the mouse cleaned the house and put it in order, but the greedy cat entirely emptied the pot of fat. She did not return home till night. The mouse at once asked what name had been given to the third child. “It will not please you more than the others,” said the cat. “He is called All-gone.” “All-gone!” cried the mouse, “That’s the most suspicious name of all! I have never seen it in print. All-gone; what can that mean?” She shook her head, curled up, and lay down to sleep.

  After this, no one invited the cat to be godmother, but when the winter came and there was no longer any food to be found outside, the mouse said: “Come, cat, let’s go to the pot of fat which we’ve stored up for ourselves—we shall enjoy that.” “Yes,” answered the cat, “you’ll enjoy it as much as you’d enjoy sticking that dainty tongue of yours out of the window.” They set out on their way, but when they arrived, they found that the pot of fat was empty. “Alas!” said the mouse, “now I see what has happened! You a true friend! You have devoured all when you were standing godmother. First top off, then half done, then—” “Hold your tongue,” cried the cat. “One word more, and I’ll eat you too.” “All gone” was already on the poor mouse’s lips; scarcely had she spoken it before the cat sprang on her, seized her, and swallowed her down.

  Verily, that is the way of the world.

  There are 250 billion stars in the Milky Way galaxy...and 100 billion galaxies in the universe.

  ZAP!

  Frank Zappa was one of the first rock musicians to admit publicly that he could think. Here are a few of his thoughts.

  “In the fight between you and the world, back the world.”

  “One of my favorite philosophical tenets is that people will agree with you only if they already agree with you. You do not change people’s minds.”

  “Without deviation, progress is not possible.”

  “In the old days your old man would say ‘Be home by midnight’ and you’d be home by midnight. Today parents daren’t tell you what time to be in. They’re frightened you won’t come back.”

  “Most rock journalism is people who can’t write interviewing people who can’t talk for people who can’t read.”

  “Everyone has the right to be comfortable on his own terms.”

  “Most people wouldn’t know good music if it came up and bit them in the ass.”

  “Pop is the new politics. There is more truth in pop music than in most political statements rendered by our leaders, even when you get down to the level of really simplified pop records. What I’m saying is that’s how bad politics is.”

  “If your children ever found out how lame you are, they’d kill you in you
r sleep.”

  “Politics is a valid concept but what we do is not really politics...it’s a popularity contest. It has nothing to do with politics. What it is, is mass merchandising.”

  “I can’t understand why anybody would want to devote their life to a cause like dope. It’s the most boring pastime I can think of. It ranks a close second to television.”

  “I think cynicism is a positive value. You have to be cynical. You can’t not be cynical. The more people that I have encouraged to be cynical, the better job I’ve done.”

  The average American travels a million miles in their lifetime, mostly by car.

  THE TV DINNER

  We mentioned Swanson’s TV dinners briefly in Uncle John’s Sixth Bathroom Reader. Here’s the rest of the story, submitted by BRI correspondent Jack Mingo.

  IN THE BEGINNING

  Credit the Swanson brothers, Gilbert and Clarke, with inventing the TV dinner in 1951. The Swansons owned the nation’s largest turkey plant in Omaha, Nebraska, and were frustrated that most Americans ate turkey only on Thanksgiving. They wanted to make turkey an everyday part of the American diet.

  GONE TO POT

  Their first attempt was the Swanson turkey pot pie. It was extremely popular. In fact, people started demanding more variety. The Swansons tried another approach: Inspired by popular diner “blue plate specials” in which an entire meal was served on a segmented plate, the Swansons began putting individual meal courses on segmented aluminum trays.

  BALANCING ACT

  In the early 1950s, television was taking over America’s living rooms, and Swanson decided to sponsor its own show, “Ted Mack’s Family Hour.” On the night of the show’s premiere, Gilbert Swanson invited some friends over for a buffet dinner to celebrate. One of the guests looked around and pointed out how funny it looked for everybody to be balancing trays on their laps in front of the TV.