Uncle John’s Legendary Lost Bathroom Reader
Page 56
As part of the U.S. bicentennial celebration, the Smithsonian Institution decided to have the pistols used in the Burr-Hamilton duel restored. What they found was that the guns—which had been provided for the duel by Hamilton—had several features that were not allowed on dueling pistols...most significantly, a special hair-trigger feature. By surreptitiously setting the trigger so that only a half pound of pressure—instead of the normal ten to twelve pounds—was needed to fire the gun, a duelist could gain an incredible advantage, since both men were to fire at the same time. Instead of displaying nearly godlike mercy, Hamilton planned to kill Burr before Burr had a chance to fire. But in his nervousness, Hamilton apparently held the gun too tightly, firing it too soon, and the shot struck the leaves over Burr’s head.
Family values: 75% of U.S. adults live within an hour’s drive of their parents.
BOW-WOW...OR WANG-WANG?
It’s a truism we all learn as kids: A dog goes bow-wow...a cat goes meow... etc. A universal language, right? Nope. Believe it or not, animal sounds vary from language to language. Here are some examples.
PIGS
English: Oink Oink!
Russian: Kroo!
French: Groin Groin!
German: Grunz!
ROOSTERS
English: Cock-a-doodle-doo!
Arabic: Ku-ku-ku-ku!
Russian: Ku-ka-rzhi-ku!
Japanese: Ko-ki-koko!
Greek: Ki-ki-ri-koo!
Hebrew: Ku-ku-ri-ku!
DUCKS
English: Quack Quack!
Swedish: Kvack Kvack!
Arabic: Kack-kack-kack!
Chinese: Ga-ga!
French: Guahn Quahn!
FROGS
English: Croak!
Spanish: Croack!
German: Quak-quak!
Swedish: Kouack!
Russian: Kva-kva!
TWEETY-BIRDS
English: Tweet Tweet!
French: Kwi-kwi!
Hebrew: Tsef Tsef!
Chinese: Chu-chu!
German: Tschiep Tschiep!
GEESE
English: Honk Honk!
Arabic: Wack Wack!
German: Schnatter-schnatter!
Japanese: Boo Boo!
OWLS
English: Who-whoo!
Japanese: Ho-ho!
German: Koh-koh-a-oh!
Russian: Ookh!
CATS
English: Meow!
Hebrew: Miyau!
German: Miau!
French: Miaou!
Spanish (and Portuguese and German): Miau!
DOGS
English: Bow-wow!
Swedish: Voff Voff!
Hebrew: Hav Hav!
Chinese: Wang-wang!
Japanese: Won-won!
Swahili: Hu Hu Hu Huuu!
CHICKENS
English: Cluck-cluck!
French: Cot-cot-cot-codet!
German: Gak-gak!
Hebrew: Pak-pak-pak!
Arabic: Kakakakakakakakaka!
The average person laughs seven to eight times a day.
BOMBECKISMS
Thoughts from Erma Bombeck, one of America’s wittiest dispensers of common sense.
“A child develops individuality long before he develops taste.”
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”
“The bad times I can handle. It’s the good times that drive me crazy. When is the other shoe going to drop?”
“My mother phones daily to ask, ‘Did you just try to reach me?’ When I reply ‘No,’ she adds, ‘So, if you’re not too busy, call me while I’m still alive,’ and hangs up.”
“There are few certainties when you travel. One of them is that the moment you arrive in a foreign country, the American dollar will fall like a stone.”
“I firmly believe kids don’t want your understanding. They want your trust, your compassion, your blinding love and your car keys, but you try to understand them and you’re in big trouble.”
“To my way of thinking, the American family started to decline when parents began to communicate with their children. When we began to ‘rap,’ ‘feed into one another,’ and encourage our kids to ‘let things hang out’ that mother didn’t know about and would rather not.”
“If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.”
“It seems rather incongruous that in a society of supersophisticated communication, we often suffer from a shortage of listeners.”
“I will never engage in a winter sport with an ambulance parked at the bottom of the hill.”
“When you look like your passport photo, it’s time to go home.”
“Guilt is a gift that keeps on giving.”
If a pack-a-day smoker inhaled a week’s worth of nicotine all at once, he would die instantly.
“LET ME WRITE SIGN—I SPEAK ENGLISH”
When signs in a foreign country are written in English, any combination of words is possible. Here are some real-life examples.
“It is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis.”
—Japanese hotel
“You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.”
—Japanese hotel
“Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.”
—Leipzig hotel elevator
“To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.”
—Belgrade hotel elevator
“Please leave your values at the front desk.”
—Paris hotel elevator
“Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.”
—Swiss restaurant menu
“Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 a.m. daily.”
—Athens hotel
“The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.”
—Yugoslavia hotel
“The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.”
—Bucharest hotel lobby
“Not to perambulate corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.”
—Austrian hotel for skiers
“Salad a firm’s own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people’s fashion.”
—Menu at a Polish hotel
According to many psychologists, fingernail biting is a sign of stubbornness.
PHRASE ORIGINS
Here are the origins of some more famous phrases.
THE HANDWRITING IS ON THE WALL
Meaning: The outcome (usually negative) is obvious.
Background: The expression comes from a Babylonian legend in which the evil King Belshazzar drank from a sacred vessel looted from the Temple in Jerusalem. According to one version of the legend, “A mysterious hand appeared after this act of sacrilege and to the astonishment of the king wrote four strange words on the wall of the banquet room. Only the Hebrew prophet, Daniel, could interpret the mysterious message. He boldly told the ruler that they spelled disaster for him and for his nation. Soon afterward, Belshazzar was defeated and slain, just as Daniel said.” The scene was a popular subject for tapestries and paintings during the Middle Ages.
OLD STOMPING GROUND
Meaning: Places where you spent a lot of time in your youth or in years past.
Background: The prairie chicken, which is found in Indiana and Illinois, is famous for the courtship dance it performs when looking for a mate. Large groups of males gather together in the morning to strut about, stamp their feet, and make booming noises with their throats. The original settlers used to get up early just to watch them; and the well-worn patches of earth became known as stomping grounds.
JIMINY CRICKET
Meaning: The name of the cricket character in the Walt Disney film Pinocchio; also a mild expletive.
Background: The name Jiminy Cricket predates Pinnochio...and has nothing to do with crickets. It is believed to have originated in the American colonies as “a roundabout way of invoking Jesus Christ.” (Since the Puritans strictly forbade taking the Lord’s name in vain, an entire new set of kinder, gentler swear words—darn, dang, heck, etc.—were invented to replace them.
More shoplifters are arrested on Wednesdays in January than at any other time of the year.
THE BITTER END
Meaning: The very end—often an unpleasant one.
Background: Has nothing to do with bitterness. It’s a sailing term that refers to end of a mooring line or anchor line that is attached to the bitts, sturdy wooden or metal posts that are mounted to the ship’s deck.
HAVE A SCREW LOOSE
Meaning: Something is wrong with a person or mechanism.
Background: The phrase comes from the cotton industry and dates back as far as the 1780s, when the industrial revolution made mass production of textiles possible for the first time. Huge mills sprang up to take advantage of the new technology (and the cheap labor), but it was difficult to keep all the machines running properly; any machine that broke down or produced defective cloth was said to have “a screw loose” somewhere.
MAKE THINGS HUM
Meaning: Make things run properly, smoothly, quickly, and efficiently.
Background: Another cotton term: the guy who fixed the loose screws on the broken—and thus silent—machines was known as the person who made them hum again.
IF THE SHOE FITS, WEAR IT
Meaning: “If something applies to you, accept it.”
Background: The term is a direct descendant of the early 18th-century term “if the cap fits, put it on,” which referred specifically to fool’s caps.
PLEASED AS PUNCH
Meaning: Delighted.
Background: Believe it or not, the expression has nothing to do with party beverages—it has to do with the rascally puppet character Punch (of Punch and Judy fame), who derived enormous sadistic pleasure from his many evil deeds. The phrase was so popular that even Charles Dickens used it in his 1854 book, Hard Times.
There’s enough salt in the world’s oceans to cover the entire U.S. with a layer 1½ miles deep.
DIAMOND VOODOO
Uncle John has a lot of bathroom superstitions. He won’t use soap if it’s already wet; he always wears a baseball cap while brushing his teeth; he’ll only sing in the shower if the fan is on. Maybe that’s why he likes this article by Jack Connelly.
ABASEBALL TRADITION
If you pay close attention when you’re watching your favorite baseball team, you may notice that the so-called boys of summer engage in some pretty odd behavior. [For example,] you might see a coach kick dirt at first base while spitting toward second base four times. This supposedly prevents a runner from being picked off or thrown out while trying to steal.
Even the most sophisticated athletes have been known to give in to the power of superstition as an aid to winning or avoiding injury. Most are quick to deny it, claiming they only follow a certain routine, but a routine becomes a superstition when you feel it must be followed to ensure good luck.
Pitcher Frank “Lefty” O’Doul, who played for the New York Yankees from 1919 to 1922, explained: “It’s not that if I stepped on the foul line it would really lose the game, but why take a chance? It’s just become part of the game for me.”
THE GREAT SUPERSTITIONS
Here are some of baseball’s most famous rituals and the players who put stock in them.
Al Simmons, who played for seven teams from 1924 to 1944, would step out of the shower, stand dripping wet in front of his locker, and put on his baseball cap before drying off. Then he’d continue dressing.
Frank “Wildfire” Schulte, who played for the Chicago Cubs, Pittsburgh Pirates, Philadelphia Phillies, and Washington Senators between 1904 and 1918, was sure that success depended on finding hairpins. One hairpin equaled one hit that day; two hairpins equaled two hits. If he found a handful, he’d be a hitting star for a week or more.
Joaquin Andujar, a pitcher who played for the Houston Astros, St. Louis Cardinals, and Oakland A’s between 1976 and 1988, knew how to break a losing streak on the mound: Shower with your uniform on to “wash the bad out of it.”
Louis XIV had 40 wigmakers...and approximately 1,000 wigs.
Frank Chance, who played for the Cubs and the Yankees from 1898 to 1914, would only occupy a lower berth on a train and always No. 13. If that berth wasn’t available, he would accept another and paint a 13 on it.
Arthur “Six O’clock” Weaver. During his playing days in the early 1900s, Weaver felt it was tempting fate to keep playing baseball after 6 p.m. He’d abruptly leave the field and head home if the game was still in progress when the clock struck six.
Luis Tiant, a pitcher who played for six teams between 1964 and 1982, had a penchant for smoking cigars in the postgame shower, but his fans never saw the strands of beads and the special loincloth he wrapped around his waist under his uniform, “to ward off evil.”
Leo Durocher, among many others, would not change his clothes—underclothes included—during a winning streak. He would also ride in the back of the bus to break a losing streak. If his team was leading in the ninth inning, he’d walk the length of the dugout for a drink of water after each out recorded against the opposition.
Jackie Robinson, of the Brooklyn Dodgers, never stepped into the batter’s box until the catcher took his position; then Robinson walked in front of him.
George Stallings, when he was the Boston Braves’ manager, would “freeze” in whatever position he was in when a Brave got a hit and stay in that position until one failed to hit.
Phil Rizzuto, New York Yankee shortstop in the 1940s and 1950s, put a wad of gum on the button of his cap, removing it only when his team lost.
Forrest “Spook” Jacobs, who played from 1954 to 1956 for the Philadelphia Athletics and Kansas City Athletics, always squirted a mysterious liquid on his bat before a game. When pressed for an explanation, Jacobs said he was applying Murine so that he’d have a “seeing eye” bat.
Austin, Dallas, and Houston are all Scottish surnames.
Vic Davalillo, who played for six teams from 1963 to 1980, believed in petting chickens before a game.
Lou Skizas, who played for four teams between 1956 and 1959, had to step between the catcher and the umpire when getting into the [batter’s] box. He always took a practice swing with one arm (his left), keeping his right hand in his back pocket (which held his lucky Greek medal) until the instant before the ball was delivered.
Mike Cuellar, a pitcher who played on five teams from 1959 to 1977, never looked at home plate while he was warming up to pitch. Also, he would allow only that game’s catcher to warm him up. Cuellar would not take the field until all his teammates were in position, and he expected the ball to be sitting on the mound, not thrown to him, when he arrived there.
Tito Fuentes, who played on four teams from 1965 to 1978, wore as many as 17 chains under his uniform and each had to be in perfect alignment. Fuentes feared being touched at second base by anybody trying to break up a double play, and he would coat his body with grease and chalk before games.
The Chicago Cubs, as a team, once believed that it was bad luck to hit solid line drives during batting practice, on the theory that a bat contained just so many hits and they weren’t to be wasted.
George Herman “Babe” Ruth never failed to touch second base on his way to the dugout at the end of each inning; Giants player Willie Mays thought along the same lines but kicked the bag instead. Ruth, former Boston Red Sox greats Ted Williams and Carl Yaztremski, and former Pittsburgh Pirate Willie Stargell believed that bats with knots held the most hits.
Billy Williams, former Cubs and A’s outfie
lder, had to sharpen his batting eye at least once a game by walking toward the plate, spitting, and swinging his bat through the spit before it hit the ground.
Mark Fidrych, of the Detroit Tigers made no secret of talking to the ball while on the mound, so there was no misunderstanding about the route it was to take.
Al Lopez, a Hall of Fame catcher who played from 1928 to 1947, would repeat the meals of the previous day—or days—when his team was on a winning streak, which is why he once breakfasted on kippered herring and eggs 17 days in a row.
Benjamin Franklin said, “Early to bed, early to rise,” but was famous for staying up all night.
THE FIRST LADIES OF POLITICS
Mrs. Uncle John insists that women don’t read in the bathroom—and we might believe her, if we didn’t get letters from women who do. In their honor, here’s a bit of political history about women.
FIRST WOMAN ELECTED TO THE U.S. HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES: 1917
In 1913, Montana granted women the right to vote. Three years later, Jeanette Rankin, who’d spearheaded the suffrage movement there, ran for the House...and won. She ran for the Senate two years later, but was defeated—not because she was a woman, but because as a dedicated pacifist, she had opposed America’s entry into World War I. Ironically, Rankin was also serving in the House when the vote to enter World War II was taken. She voted no again.
FIRST WOMAN TO SERVE IN THE U.S. SENATE: 1922
When Senator Thomas Watson died in 1922, Georgia’s governor appointed 87-year-old Rebecca Felton to fill the seat...until a special election could be held seven days later. It was a purely political move: Congress wasn’t in session, and Felton had no duties. But she convinced Senator-elect Walter George to let her serve one day in Washington before he officially took office. She made national headlines when she was sworn in on November 21.