Uncle John’s Legendary Lost Bathroom Reader

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  BOARDING A SHIP BY FORCE

  It’s a scene from the movies: A pirate ship pulls up alongside another ship, and then the pirates swing across on ropes and storm the ship. But how realistic is this scene? Not very, experts say. Most ship captains owned their cargos, which were usually fully insured. They preferred to surrender the minute they were approached by a pirate ship, seeing piracy as one of the costs of doing business.

  At one English bed-and-breakfast, visitors get to take home “a free bootload of manure.”

  THE JOLLY ROGER (SKULL AND CROSSBONES)

  Pirates used a variety of flags to communicate. The Jolly Roger was used to coerce nearby ships into allowing the pirates to board. But it wasn’t the only flag of choice—some pirate ships preferred flags with hourglasses on them (to let would-be victims know that time was running out); others used black or red flags. How did the Jolly Roger get its name? Nobody knows for sure—although some historians believe it comes from the English pronunciation of Ali Raja, the Arabic words for “King of the Sea.”

  PIRATE SHIPS

  In the movies they’re huge—but in real life they were much smaller. “Real pirates,” one expert writes, “relied on small, swift vessels and hit-and-run attacks.”

  ROWDINESS

  Not all pirate ships were rough-and-tumble. Pirates often operated under a document that had some similarity to a constitution. Here are a few of the articles from an agreement drawn up by the crew of Captain John Phillips in 1723.

  1. Every man shall obey civil Command; the Captain shall have one full Share and a half in all prizes; the Master, Carpenter, Boatswain, and Gunner shall have one share and a quarter.

  2. If any man shall offer to run away, or keep any Secret from the Company, he shall be maroon’d with one Bottle of Powder, one Bottle of Water, one small Arm, and Shot.

  3. If any Man shall steal any Thing in the Company, or game, to the Value of a Piece of Eight, he shall be maroon’d or shot.

  4. That Man that shall strike another whilst those Articles are in force, shall receive Moses’s Law (that is 40 stripes lacking one) on the bare Back.

  5. That Man that shall not keep his Arms clean, fit for an Engagement, or neglect his Business, shall be cut off from his Share, and suffer such other Punishment as the Captain and the Company shall think fit.

  6. If any Man shall lose a Joint in time of an Engagement, shall have 400 Pieces of Eight; if a limb 800.

  7. If at any time you meet with a prudent Woman, that Man that offers to meddle with her, without her Consent, shall suffer Death.

  The average office Christmas party is attended by 75% of a company’s employees.

  PRIMETIME PROVERBS

  More TV wisdom from Primetime Proverbs: A Book of TV Quotes, by Jack Mingo and John Javna.

  ON FATHERS

  Ben Cartwright: “I’m not in the habit of giving lectures, and if I do, it’s because they’re needed. Might have been a good idea if your father had given you a few.”

  Candy Canaday: “Oh, he did.”

  Ben: “Obviously they didn’t have much effect.”

  Candy: “Oh, yes they did: I left home.”

  —Bonanza

  “I am your father. I brought you into this world and I can take you out.”

  —Cliff Huxtable, The Cosby Show

  ON DREAMS

  “The only thing I ever dream is that I just won every beauty contest in the world and all the people I don’t like are forced to build me a castle in France.”

  —Stephanie Vanderkellen, Newhart

  ON FEAR

  “Some people are afraid of the dark and some are afraid to leave it.”

  —Beau Maverick, Maverick

  Caine: “Of all things, to live in darkness must be the worst.”

  Master Po: “Fear is the only darkness.”

  —Kung Fu

  “The subject: fear. The cure: a little more faith. An Rx off the shelf—in the Twilight Zone.”

  —Rod Serling, The Twilight Zone

  ON LEARNING

  “What a wonderful day we’ve had. You have learned something, and I have learned something. Too bad we didn’t learn it sooner. We could have gone to the movies instead.”

  —Balki Bartokomous, Perfect Strangers

  Boy: “Teach me what you know, Jim.”

  Reverend Jim Ignatowski: “That would take hours, Terry. Ah, what the heck! We’ve all got a little Obi-Wan Kenobi in us.”

  —Taxi

  ON LIFE

  “God forbid anything should be easy.”

  —Hawkeye, M*A*S*H

  Most expensive city in the world for grocery shopping: Tokyo.

  TIPS FOR TEENS

  More advice from a teen guidebook of the 1950s.

  GOOD GROOMING FOR GIRLS

  YOU’RE YOUR OWN SHOW!

  Rest, relaxation, and good food all help keep a clear skin, shiny hair, good teeth and bones, but they aren’t the whole story...

  Let’s start with posture. Think about walking tall; it’s surprising how much better clothes look! There’ll be fewer backaches, or even headaches, too. Don’t slouch as you walk, nor slump as you sit. Relax! Lift your head and shoulders, then walk as if you’re going somewhere.

  Look at yourself in the mirror! Have you a regular nighttime, morning and weekly cleanliness program? Soon you’ll be at college or on your own; no family to remind you of the toothbrush, nail file, comb, or soap and water. Yet regular attention to teeth, nails and hair is a habit just as important to good health as food.

  Give that room of yours the “once-over.” Of course you meant to hang things up after last night’s party, but did you do it? It’s only smart to hang clothes in your closet immediately—they need less pressing and laundry care that way. And tidy, wrinkle-free clothing is an important part of the shined-and-polished look!

  In actuality, beauty is lots more than skin deep. Beauty is as deep as you are. Beauty is all of you, your face, your figure, your skin. More than any other part, though, your skin will be the barometer of your beauty weather. It will tell you how well you are keeping to a beauty schedule. A broken-out complexion is a sure sign that you have slipped up somewhere. It is an indication that you have eaten too many sweets or skimped on cleanliness. Be diligent in your daily habits, and your reward will be a smooth, silken complexion (and, not incidentally, a fine face and figure).

  Just remember, most of us wouldn’t take the first prize in a beauty contest. Yet it’s possible, with some time and attention, to improve the looks we have. So form good grooming habits now—for the rest of your life.

  Q: What do you call a person who assembles the underparts of pianos? A: The “belly builder.”

  BRAND NAMES

  You’ve used the products...now here are the people behind the names.

  RALSTON-PURINA

  In the 1890s, it was common for grain millers to separate wheat germ from the whole-wheat cereals of the day, because the germ tended to spoil rapidly. Then, in 1898, a Kansas miller discovered a way to keep it from rotting. But the stuff was still removed from the wheat, and no one knew what to do with it—at least until William Danforth, an animal-feed manufacturer and inventor of “health cereals,” decided to sell it as a breakfast food. Borrowing from his company’s slogan, “Where purity is paramount,” he gave his new product the name Purina and marketed it with the endorsement of Dr. Albert Webster Edgerly, who had written a popular health-and-fitness book called Life Building under the pen name Dr. Ralston.

  BLACK & DECKER

  In 1910, twentysomethings S. Duncan Black and Alonzo Decker quit their jobs at the Rowland Telegraph Company and founded the Black & Decker company. They built and sold bottlecap machines, auto shock absorbers, candy-dipping machines, and other specialty equipment for industry.

  They probably would have stuck with industry sales forever had they not seen a news item during World War II reporting a record wave of employee thefts of portable power tools from U.S. defense plants. Realizi
ng that the workers in the plants had become hooked on portable power tools and would be hungry for them after the war, Black & Decker’s Post-War Planning Committee began designing a line of home power tools that premiered in 1946.

  PARKER PENS

  The modern fountain pen was perfected by L. E. Waterman, an American inventor, in 1884. But even his pens leaked once in a while, creating a cottage industry for “pen repairmen” like George S. Parker, of Janesville, Wisconsin. Parker got to know fountain pens so well that he designed an improved model and founded the Parker Pen Company in 1892. Business was slow until World War I, when the company invented the Parker Trench Pen and sent them overseas with U.S. soldiers so they could write home. The doughboys were so sold on the pens that Parker went on to become one of the best-known brand names in America.

  The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows.

  SPALDING SPORTING GOODS

  Have you ever heard of Albert Goodwill Spalding? One of the greatest pitchers in history, Spalding played for the Boston Red Stockings and the Chicago White Sox in the 1870s. Between 1871 and 1875, he pitched 301 games and won 241, becoming baseball’s first 200-game winner. But he was unique for another reason as well: The baseballs he pitched were ones he made himself. When he retired in 1876, he opened his own sporting goods company and began selling them to the public. The National Baseball League was founded a year later and made the Spalding ball the official ball of the league.

  BISSELL CARPET SWEEPERS

  Melville and Anna Bissell owned a crockery shop in Grand Rapids, Michigan, in the 1870s. One of Anna’s least favorite chores was sweeping the sawdust used as packing material off of the shop’s carpet at the end of the day. So in 1876, Melville went out and bought Anna a newly invented “carpet sweeper.” But while it worked pretty well on ordinary dirt, it was useless on the sappy, fibery sawdust that literally stuck to the carpet. Undaunted, Melville took apart the carpet sweeper and built an improved model for his wife.

  Note: Melville Bissell built the sweeper, but it was Anna who built the company: when Melville died from pneumonia in 1889, Anna took over the business, streamlining procedures and selling the sweeper in foreign markets for the first time—including to Queen Victoria of England, who authorized their use on the priceless rugs of Buckingham Palace. Anna Bissell is one of the earliest and most successful female CEOs in the history of American business.

  Commonsense fact: Animals that lay eggs don’t have belly buttons.

  ROSEANNE SEZ...

  A few choice thoughts from Roseanne.

  “Men read maps better than women because only men can understand the concept of an inch equaling a hundred miles.”

  “Women are cursed and men are the proof.”

  “Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month I can be myself.”

  “My husband said he needed more space, so I locked him outside.”

  “You marry the man of your dreams, but fifteen years later you’re married to a reclining chair that burps.”

  “When Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner, then I’ll clean house.”

  “As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I’ve done my job.”

  “My children love me. I’m like the mother they never had.”

  “I asked the clothing store clerk if she had anything to make me look thinner, and she said, ‘How about a week in Bangladesh?’”

  “It’s okay to be fat. So you’re fat. Just be fat and shut up about it.”

  “I think the sexiest thing a woman could do is be as fat as me—or fatter.”

  “Husbands think we should know where everything is: like the uterus is a tracking device. He asks me, ‘Roseanne, do we have any Cheetos left?’ Like he can’t go over to that sofa cushion and lift it himself.”

  “Excuse the mess but we live here.”

  On tabloids: “They say this comes with the territory but...it’s like a hand from hell that continually reaches up to grab my ankles.”

  To the staff of her TV show: “This is not a democracy, this is queendom.”

  You’re born with 300 bones, but have only 206 as an adult. The others fuse together.

  SOUND EFFECTS

  Jurassic Park and Star Wars—two of the most popular and profitable films of all time—got a big boost from their unusual sound effects. Here are a few of the secrets behind them.

  STAR WARS

  Ben Burtt, a talented USC college student, recorded most of the sounds needed for the film. Some of his secrets:

  • Chewbacca’s voice was created from a combination of walrus, badger, sea lion, three different bears, and bear cub recordings. After mixing the sounds together, Burtt changed the pitch and slowed them down to “match” a Wookie photo Lucas had sent him.

  • The light sabers were a combination of humming film projectors and static from Burtt’s TV set.

  • The Jawas spoke a mixture of sped-up Swahili and Zulu dialects.

  • R2-D2’s “voice” was Burtt’s own voice combined with sounds of bending pipes and metal scraping around in dry ice.

  JURASSIC PARK

  • The Tyrannosaurus rex’s voice is an assortment of animal noises—elephants, tigers, dogs, penguins, and alligators, etc.—and the thudding sound of his feet are recordings of trees falling in a forest.

  • The sound of a sick Triceratops was recorded at a farm for “retired” performing lions. Sound designers went to the farm looking for sounds for the t-rex, but they found that the “wheezy, pained breathing” of the old lions was perfect for the triceratops.

  • The Velociraptors used 25 different animals sounds...but not all at once: a “very old” horse was used to provide the breathing sounds they make when stalking prey; dolphin sounds were used to make the “attack” screeches; and mating tortoises provided the hooting call that raptors make to each other.

  • The sound designers wanted to use whale sounds for the Brachiosaurus (the veggie-munching, long-necked dinosaur)—but they couldn’t get the right recording...so they recorded a donkey braying, slowed it down, and played it backwards. The end result was practically indistinguishable from a whale.

  Vampire bats use rivers to navigate. They smell the animal blood in the water and follow it.

  THE TRUTH ABOUT

  PEARL HARBOR

  Japan’s attack on Pearl Harbor was one of the most dramatic incidents in U.S. history—and the source of persistent questions. Did President Roosevelt know the attack was coming? If so, why didn’t he defend against it? Here’s some insight from It’s a Conspiracy!

  Shortly after dawn on Sunday, December 7, 1941, Japanese warplanes launched an all-out attack on Pearl Harbor, the major U.S. military base in Hawaii. Within two hours, they had damaged or destroyed 18 warships and more than 200 aircraft, killing 2,403 American soldiers, sailors, and marines, and wounding 1,178. Americans were stunned and outraged.

  The next day, FDR delivered a stirring speech to Congress in which he referred to the day of the attack as “a date which will live in infamy.” In response, Congress declared war, and the country closed ranks behind the president.

  Despite America’s commitment to the war, however, questions arose about Pearl Harbor that were not easily dismissed: How were we caught so completely by surprise? Why were losses so high? Who was to blame? Did the president know an attack was coming? Did he purposely do nothing so America would be drawn into the war? Although there were seven full inquiries before the war ended, the questions persist to this day.

  UNANSWERED QUESTION #1

  Did the United States intercept Japanese messages long before the attack, but fail to warn the Hawaiian base?

  Suspicious Facts

  • By the summer of 1940, the United States had cracked Japan’s top-secret diplomatic code, nicknamed “Purple.” This enabled U.S. intelligence agencies to monitor messages to and from Tokyo.

  • Although several U.S. command pos
ts received machines for decoding “Purple,” Pearl Harbor was never given one.

  • Messages intercepted in the autumn of 1941 suggested what the Japanese were planning:

  Birth of the dimpled ball: Golfers noticed that old, dented balls flew farther than new ones.

  On October 9, 1941, Tokyo told its consul in Honolulu to “divide the water around Pearl Harbor into five sub-areas and report on the types and numbers of American war craft.”

  The Japanese foreign minister urged negotiators to resolve issues with the U.S. by November 29, after which “things are automatically going to happen.”

  On December 1, after negotiations had failed, the navy intercepted a request that the Japanese ambassador in Berlin inform Hitler of an extreme danger of war...coming “quicker than anyone dreams.”

  On the Other Hand

  • Although the United States had cracked top-secret Japanese codes several years earlier, “the fact is that code-breaking intelligence did not prevent and could not have prevented Pearl Harbor, because Japan never sent any message to anybody saying anything like ‘We shall attack Pearl Harbor.’” writes military historian David Kahn in the autumn 1991 issue of Military History Quarterly.

  • “The [Japanese] Ambassador in Washington was never told of the plan,” Kahn says, “Nor were other Japanese diplomats or consular officials. The ships of the strike force were never radioed any message mentioning Pearl Harbor. It was therefore impossible for cryptoanalysts to have discovered the plan. Despite the American code breakers, Japan kept her secret.”

  • Actually, Washington had issued a warning to commanders at Pearl Harbor a few weeks earlier. On November 27, 1941, General George Marshall sent the following message: “Hostile action possible at any moment. If hostilities cannot, repeat CANNOT, be avoided, the United States desires that Japan commit the first overt act. This policy should not, repeat NOT, be construed as restricting you to a course of action that might jeopardize your defense.”