Don't Tell A Soul

by Tiffany L. Warren

  My family barges into the house in a flurry of noise. Everyone is two shades darker from roasting in the summer sun all weekend. They look like perfectly bronzed turkeys on Thanksgiving.

  Troy hugs me and kisses me on my neck as the children plop down on the couch next to me. I quickly cover the letter with my hand. I don’t want to have this conversation in front of my children.

  “Hey, Mommy!” TJ says. “We had Cracker Barrel for breakfast.”

  “You did?” I ask, trying to hide the tremble in my voice.

  “Pam, are you all right?” Troy asks.

  I shake my head, because I’m afraid if I open my mouth to speak, the tears are going to come spilling out. With Troy here finally, and knowing that I’m about to confront him, this is now too real. All weekend there was a chance that all of this would disappear into dreamland, that I’d wake up from this nightmare.

  “Kids, y’all go upstairs. We’ll go to the movies later. Maybe Mommy will come with us.”

  Gretchen and Cicely aren’t fooled one bit. They know me well, and they usher TJ out of the room with looks of concern on their faces.

  “What’s wrong, Pam?” Troy asks once the children are safely up the staircase. “Did something happen when I was gone?”

  I hand him the letter without hesitation. If we’re going to have this conversation, I want to get it over with. As soon as Troy recognizes the letter, he frowns deeply and sighs.

  “I thought I threw that away.”

  I swallow a mouthful of saliva. Troy’s answer is completely unacceptable. He knows it, and he knows that I know it.

  “That’s how you want to address this, Troy? Really?”

  “It’s two years old. She gave this to me right before she got serious with her fiancé.”

  “And you didn’t think I’d want to know about it?”

  “I didn’t think you needed to know about it.”

  All I can see is red. Troy’s cavalier attitude about another woman’s declaration of love is out of line.

  “I didn’t need to know that Aria is in love with you?”

  “Was. She said she was in love, but she’s not anymore.”

  “How do you know, huh? She’s in my house, around my children, in your face.”

  “She’s getting married. She ain’t thinkin’ ’bout me,” Troy scoffs.

  Something about Troy’s tone worries me. Like Aria might not be thinking about him, but he just might be thinking of her. Did Troy turn Aria down because he didn’t love her back or because he didn’t want to disturb his home? I don’t need him to stay with me out of obligation. That is not the marriage I want.

  “Are you . . . are you in love with her?” I ask, unsure if I want to hear the answer, but desperately needing to.

  “I can’t believe you just asked me that.”

  “Are you?” I repeat.

  Troy jumps up from the couch, and the letter falls to the floor. He paces back and forth angrily. He’s angry. I’m angry. His emotion is all wrong. He should be apologetic. He’s the one keeping secrets.

  Troy stops in front of me. “Your jealousy is going to destroy this marriage.”

  “No! Your dishonesty and secrecy are going to destroy this marriage.”

  “I was going to tell you, but I knew you would read it this way.” Troy sits down again and takes my hand in his. “There is nothing to worry about. I don’t feel anything for her.”

  Troy plants little kisses all over my face. Is this supposed to make my hurt and jealousy disappear? He’s trying to kiss this away like I do one of TJ’s boo-boos. But this isn’t a scratch on my knee. This wound is deep. It’s as if Troy’s taken a dagger to my chest and touched my heart with the tip of it. This won’t go away easily, but I know how to start the healing process.

  “I’m glad you don’t feel anything for her, because then it won’t hurt at all for you to find another artist,” I say.

  I feel Troy pull away from me. The quickness of his gesture communicates shock, but I can’t, for the life of me, understand why he’d be surprised.

  “What do you mean, find another artist?”

  “You know what I mean. Aria’s time is up. She’s getting old, anyway. It’s time for you to discover a new star.”

  Troy shakes his head, then drops it down and holds his face in his hands. “We are right on the cusp, Pam. You can’t ask me to do this. The last time we had a big break for Aria, you’d found out you were pregnant with TJ.”

  “And what does that have to do with anything?”

  “It shows that you always put a monkey wrench in the plans when it comes to Aria. I think you’ve been jealous of her since she started, even before she decided to develop a crush on me.”

  “What I read in that letter was not a crush. That was passion. I know the difference, and so does Aria.”

  Troy sighs again. Why does he keep sighing? Is he sick of this conversation? I can keep having this conversation all night, until he agrees with what I’m saying.

  I clear my throat and say, “I’m not asking, Troy. I’m telling you. I’m pulling the wife card.”

  “What wife card? There is no wife card. This is my dream we’re talking about, Pam.”

  I remember when it used to be our dream. I have no idea when Troy got so possessive about the music.

  “So are you saying that you’re not going to find a new artist?”

  Troy shakes his head. “That’s not what I’m saying. If you want to come to our music sessions to make yourself feel more comfortable, then do it.”

  “I won’t feel more comfortable until Aria is nowhere near my family.”

  Troy stares at me and then shakes his head. “I’m not letting her go, Pam. I hate that you insist on being a drama queen on this. I hope you come to your senses.”

  “Just answer one question, Troy.”

  “Don’t ask me anything, Pam.”

  “Did you sleep with her?”

  Troy inhales and exhales slowly but says nothing. Why is it taking him this long to answer me?

  “Pam . . .”

  “Tell me the truth, Troy, or so help me God, I’m going to leave you this instant!”

  “One time. Years ago, before TJ was born. It was only once, Pam.”

  Something inside me shatters.

  “I wish you hadn’t asked,” Troy says. “It didn’t mean anything to me.”

  “You know what it means to me? It means you’re a liar,” I say. “You lie, you lie, you lie! And she came into my home after sleeping with my husband, as if she would ever be welcome under my roof. That slut is not welcome here! If you bring her here, I don’t know what I’ll do.”

  My body literally quakes with a combination of anger, pain, and shock. Troy tries to hug me, and I want more than anything to be able to accept his touch. But it is tainted now.

  “Don’t touch me!” I shout. “You keep away from me!”

  “I love you and the kids. I. Don’t. Want. Her. She is nothing but a meal ticket. The only reason I still deal with her is because she’s going to make us rich.”

  Before I can respond, Troy exits the room and leaves me sitting on the couch. I glance at the letter on the floor, and I feel my fury escalate. I scramble off the couch on my hands and knees and snatch the letter up into a balled fist.

  I take my cell phone out of my pocket and dial Taylor’s number. She answers on the first ring. “Taylor, c-can I stay with you for a couple of days?”

  “Pam, what’s wrong? Did Troy do something to you?”

  “No, but I can’t stay in this house. I might do something to him.”

  “You showed him the letter,” Taylor says.

  “Yeah. And he admitted to sleeping with her before TJ was born.”

  Taylor pauses for a long moment. “Oh my God. Stay right where you are. I’m coming to get you.”

  “Okay,” I say in a tiny shaking voice.

  “Don’t hang up the phone, okay? Just leave it on while I drive over. I’m leaving right now.”
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  I listen to Taylor pray victory over my marriage. I hear her plead the blood over my mind and heart. I only feel numb.

  “Mommy, what’s wrong?” It’s Cicely.

  I don’t want her to see me like this. “Baby, go on back upstairs.”

  “But, Mommy . . .”

  “I said go!”

  She scampers out of the room, and my sobs take over. How could Troy do this to our family? Why did he tell me the truth? Why did he pick today to stop lying?

  Why didn’t he take it to his grave?

  I will never, ever believe that it was only one time. I remember when my intuition first alerted me to Aria. I can recall the day, the hour, the very moment even, when I knew she had designs on my man. I remember walking into Troy’s studio and seeing her sitting on his desk like the hood ornament on a luxury car.

  I let everyone tell me what a good, good man Troy was, and how much he loved me. I pushed every little doubt and every little fear out of my mind. Told myself that Troy would drink, he might even smoke marijuana, but he would never, ever give himself away to another woman.

  Even then, I knew. I knew!

  Taylor says, “Pam, honey, I’m outside your house. You can come on out.”

  I look down at what I’m wearing. A nightgown with a robe and slippers. And I need my purse. I didn’t think this escape through really well.

  “I need you to come in, Taylor. Please, come in.”

  I drag myself to my feet and go to the front door to open it. Taylor runs up the front stairs and catches me in her arms as I start to crumble again. It seems that my legs just don’t want to hold me right now.

  Taylor walks me over to the living room couch and helps me sit.

  “Troy!” she yells.

  Troy appears at the top of the stairs. “I wondered if it would be you or Yvonne.”

  “Can you please pack her a bag?”

  “Where’s she going?” Troy scoffs. “She’s got three children to look after.”

  Taylor narrows her eyes at Troy. “Don’t do that. Don’t. Let her have some space.”

  Troy laughs out loud. “And you should be the one she runs to? ’Cause you just really know how a married woman feels when her man steps out on her, huh?”

  “Yeah, actually, I do. I know too well the damage my sin caused. So can you please get her a bag?”

  “She can get it herself.”

  Troy walks away from the stairs and slams the door at the end of the hall. That is his entertainment room—his man cave. I guess he’s letting me know that I can get what I need from our bedroom in peace.

  I look up at Taylor. “I’ll get the bag. Do you think I should bring the kids with me?”

  She shakes her head. “No, ma’am. You are gonna leave them crumb snatchers right here with their daddy. He doesn’t have a job.”

  My first thought is to defend Troy. He does have a job—music is his job. But I don’t open my mouth. He doesn’t deserve my defense.

  “You know what, I think I might need my car while I’m at your house,” I say. “Can you just follow me?”

  “Do you think you’ll be okay to drive?” Taylor asks.

  I nod as I ascend the stairs. When I get to the top of the stairs, Troy opens the door to his man cave. “Pam, please don’t leave. We can get past this.”

  I give him an unblinking stare, take in everything I love about the way he looks. His strong, broad chest and, almost, six-pack. His arms. The warmth in his eyes. Then I imagine Aria loving the same things.

  “I really wish you hadn’t told me.”

  “I’m telling you the truth. Doesn’t that mean anything to you?”

  “Too many years have gone by since I first asked you about Aria. I don’t know if I can get past this.”

  “So you’re leaving your family.”

  “If I do leave for good, my children come with me.”

  “If you leave.”

  I nod slightly. “I need some time. But don’t bring that home wrecker in my house while I’m gone.”

  “We’ve already got her vocals done for this project. I won’t need her to come here.”

  I shake my head. He still has no intentions of dropping her as an artist, even with me packing my things to leave.

  “Don’t ever bring her here.”

  Troy sighs and looks at the floor. “I can’t promise you that.”

  I spin on one heel and storm into our bedroom. The bed we share is neatly made, with Troy’s stack of pillows on his side. I shudder at the thought that I may never share this bed with Troy again.

  This could be the end of my marriage to Troy, the end of my family unit. Because if he can’t promise not to bring Aria into our home, then in my mind he can’t promise to stay out of bed with her. And if he can’t assure me of that, then I can’t and won’t promise to stay.

  CHAPTER 30

  EVA

  Eva glanced around the church and frowned. None of her new friends were at New Faith this morning. Yvonne hadn’t mentioned not showing up at church, and with Pam and Taylor being out, too, it made Eva self-conscious. Had Yvonne told them all about her, and did they not want to even worship in the same sanctuary now?

  Eva shook her head and took a seat near the center of the sanctuary. She didn’t want to be in the back anymore. Before she read that passage in her Bible, Eva hadn’t felt worthy to sit anywhere but in the back of the church. But after she read about herself in her Bible, she felt like she was right where she belonged.

  Service was going to start soon, so Eva got settled in for praise and worship, her favorite part of the service. Rhoda and Rochelle sat down on the pew in front of her. They didn’t say hello or even acknowledge Eva. She didn’t mind. She had absolutely nothing to say to them.

  “This is just downright scandalous,” Rhoda said. “They ought to be ashamed of themselves.”

  Rochelle said, “They just bold with it. I mean, even after seeing us in Sandusky, they didn’t come to church? You would think that they would’ve got convicted in their spirits once they saw the saints of God.”

  Eva tried not to pay attention to Rhoda and Rochelle’s conversation. She wasn’t a gossiper. But they were talking so loud that she couldn’t help but overhear.

  “Yvonne has been acting like she lost her Holy Ghost ever since she divorced Luke,” Rhoda declared.

  Eva’s jaw dropped. They were talking about Yvonne? She leaned slightly forward, feeling incredibly guilty for eavesdropping, but not guilty enough to stop.

  “She has!” Rochelle said. “And did you know that Brother Kingston has been married, like, five times?”

  Rhoda shook her head. “I knew it. You just be glad that the man God has for you is pure. He’s never even been with a woman.”

  “He hasn’t?” Rochelle asked. “Didn’t he used to be married?”

  “Yes, but they never consummated.”

  Rochelle’s eyes widened. “I wonder if Brother Kingston would be interested in me if things don’t work out with him and Yvonne.”

  Eva slapped her hand over her mouth to keep from laughing. She leaned back in her seat and focused on the pulpit. The praise team, minus Yvonne and Brother Kingston, came out and started singing an upbeat worship song.

  Eva wanted to burst into laughter at how Rhoda and Rochelle seemed so caught up in worship. Their arms were raised into the air, and Rochelle’s eyes were closed. From where she was sitting, Eva couldn’t see Rhoda’s face, but she imagined that Rhoda was glancing from left to right, checking out people’s outfits to judge if they were church appropriate.

  The music was good, but not nearly as good as when Brother Kingston led the praise team. His voice was incredibly deep and rich, but he could hit high notes so clear that he sounded like a soprano.

  Eva listened intently to Pastor Brown’s sermon as he talked about how God answered prayer. It was a sermon she could relate to. God had answered her prayer. She’d asked Him for direction, and she’d wound up at New Faith.

  Eva l
ifted a silent prayer of thanks. She didn’t know if she could take the next step. The step that meant she was giving her life to Christ. She wanted to but wondered if she could live up to that life.

  Then Pastor Brown said something that stirred Eva’s spirit. He said, “If you could be holy all by yourself, then you wouldn’t need salvation. The thing is, you can’t be holy without God’s spirit dwelling on the inside of you, and it is a gift. All you have to do is repent of your sins, be baptized, and ask Him to fill you.”

  Eva stood to her feet. This made so much sense. She couldn’t resist the urges that came up in her mind, because she didn’t have God’s spirit inside. She stepped down to the end of the row and sighed. It was time.

  Maybe it was fitting that none of her friends were at church that morning. Repenting to God was something that she needed to do on her own. She’d never wanted to admit her sins to anyone before, but she kept thinking of Jesus and that Samaritan woman. He knew all of the Samaritan woman’s sins, just like He knew all of Eva’s.

  Eva walked down the center aisle, stepping in time to the worship hymn. With so many eyes on her, she felt like a bride on her wedding day. As she approached the altar, she heard applause but tuned it out. All she could think of was all the things she’d done in her life.

  The lady minister at the altar hugged her. “You ready to give your life to God, baby?”

  She nodded. “Yes, ma’am.”

  “You know what that means, right?”

  “I think so.”

  The minister smiled. “It means that all your sins will go into the sea of forgetfulness. It’s like they never happened.”

  Eva shuddered and collapsed into the woman’s arms. She broke into tearful sobs, but they were cries of joy! Even if she couldn’t quite forget her sins, at least God would.

  If this was her wedding to God, Eva’s heart said, “I do.”

  CHAPTER 31

  YVONNE

  Since the weather has finally cleared, Kingston and I are driving home. It’s too bad we couldn’t make it to church this morning. There’s no telling what gossip Rhoda and Rochelle have dreamed up. It’s a good thing they don’t know about the honeymoon suite. I would never be able to convince them that no sin took place in that hotel room.