Don't Tell A Soul

by Tiffany L. Warren

  “What if Logan comes back and gets the rest of what he wanted?”

  I fold my arms across my chest stubbornly. “I can handle him.”

  “No, you can’t. Look, even if you don’t want me in the bedroom yet, I’m staying downstairs. This is my house, and I might have to bust a cap in somebody tonight.”

  I don’t like the idea of Logan coming back, so I stop arguing with Troy. I just want to wash his handprints and touch off my body. How could something so sweet turn into something so terrifying and sour?

  “All right, Troy. I’m going to take a shower and get in bed.”

  Troy nods. “I’m going to try not to wonder if you led Logan on or not, Pam. He doesn’t seem like the type that would just take it from a woman without provocation.”

  No, he didn’t. “Okay, well, I’m going to try not to wonder if you really slept with Aria only once, because she seems like the type to come back for seconds.”

  “I told you it was once.”

  “You heard me scream.”

  A stalemate. Because trust has been shattered on Troy’s side and questioned on mine, neither one of us is willing to give the other the benefit of the doubt.

  “I’m going to bed, Troy.”

  “Are we going to make it through this, Pam?”

  He’s going to drop Aria. That’s the first step, but it’s certainly not a fix.

  “Talk to me in the morning. Let’s just get past tonight, okay? I’m exhausted.”

  As I leave the kitchen, I turn to watch Troy. He goes into the refrigerator, gets out the cold cuts, mayonnaise, cheese, tomatoes, lettuce, and pickles. Then he goes into the pantry to get his hoagie rolls. Totally on autopilot, he goes back to doing what he does on a nightly basis.

  Troy belongs here. This is his home. But I have no idea if I can let him back into my heart.

  I go to my—no, our—bedroom, and finally it hits me. I was nearly raped. A man that I let into our home almost violated me in the worst possible way. With my children upstairs.

  My stomach lurches, and I barely make it to the bathroom before I vomit up the contents of my stomach. It annoys me that I can still taste those cupcakes in my mouth afterward.

  I rinse my mouth and wipe the tears from my eyes before I undress and stumble into the shower. I don’t even mind the rush of cold water as I turn both faucets on full blast. I stand immobile under the stream, letting the finally warming water purify my body—even if it can’t cleanse my spirit.

  Why God? I clutch my washcloth to my chest and sob. Why is this happening to my family? I’ve loved Troy for so many years, and he’s loved me back. Why is God allowing the devil to put a wedge in our union?

  Then something in my spirit says, Repent.

  Repent? Of what? I was attacked by Logan. I didn’t ask to be fondled! This is not my fault. Rape is never a woman’s fault.

  What do I have to repent about?

  I tilt my head back in the shower and let the water wash over my face. No. The attempted rape wasn’t my fault. Not at all.

  But did I let Logan get too close to me? I connected with him. I opened myself to him. Made myself vulnerable to him and shared my discontent about Troy with him. I didn’t ask to be raped, but I did invite trouble to my front door.

  “Lord, forgive me,” I cry out in the shower. “Please, Lord! I beg you to restore me, and restore my union with Troy! Strengthen us! Cause all distrust to be forgotten. Oh, Lord, make me trust my husband again. Remove Aria from us, God! Remove the stain of what has transpired. Lord, God . . . I beg you!”

  My amens are tears and sobs. I have recognized my sin and have asked God to forgive me, and I know that He is faithful and just to do that. But what about Troy, and what about me? Neither one of us is as faithful as God.

  Neither one of us has been faithful at all.

  CHAPTER 40

  TAYLOR

  “Spence! Where’s Joshua?”

  Spencer opens his eyes and tries to focus. I know he’s trying to take a nap, but I just got home from shopping, and my son is nowhere to be found.

  “I don’t know,” Spencer says. “Maybe he’s outside or at the basketball court.”

  “No and no. I just came from outside, and he’s not at the court.”

  Spencer sits up in the bed. “Bike riding maybe?”

  “No. His bike, skateboard, and scooter are all in the garage. So none of the above.”

  “Did you call his friends’ mamas? I don’t know where he is.”

  My eyes widen, and I ball my hands into fists. “He was home with you, Spencer. The least you could do is act like you care!”

  I storm out of the bedroom and grab my car keys off the hook in the hallway. “Where are you going?” Spencer asks.

  “Where do you think? To find my son!”

  “Wait. Let me put some clothes on. You are running around like a banshee, and he’s probably just down the street.”

  See, these are the times when I wonder if Spencer would act differently if Joshua was his biological son. I go out in the morning to get groceries, and my son is still asleep. I get back later, and he’s missing. Something is wrong with that picture. Maybe Spencer doesn’t have the same parental instincts that I have, because he doesn’t have any biological children—yet.

  I think that I’m pregnant, but I haven’t mentioned it to Spencer or anyone. I want to be sure before I say anything. But now that I see how he’s acting with Joshua, I ask myself if he is going to be different when his child gets here. Is he gonna want to spank his biological child, or will it just be mine catching the belt?

  Spencer comes out of the bedroom in sweats. “Okay, where do you want to look?”

  “At both parks and up at the school. Sometimes they play ball up there.”

  “You don’t think he went over to Luke’s house, do you?”

  My eyebrows go up in surprise at the suggestion, then go down into a deep frown. “He wouldn’t dare.”

  “I think he might. Get Luke on the phone.”

  I dial Luke’s cell phone number, and it rings a few times before going straight to voice mail.

  “He’s not answering.”

  “Well, do we know where he lives?”

  “No. I just know about the church,” I say.

  Spencer says, “After we check the parks, that’s where we’re going.”

  After driving all over our neighborhood with no results, Spencer drives us to Luke’s church.

  “I swear that if he has my son, I don’t know what I will do to him,” I mutter.

  “Calm down. If he has Joshua, he’ll be coming home with us. No need to get all bent out of shape.”

  I stare at Spencer incredulously. “Are you kidding me? If he’s got my son without me knowing, that’s more than enough reason for me to get bent out of shape. Actually, that’s cause for me to act one hundred percent crazy and deranged. He betta hope my son ain’t up here!”

  Spencer can barely park the car before I’m out and storming toward the entrance to the apartment complex’s recreation center. No one asks me where I’m going or who I’m there to see. I guess I look like I’ll take somebody’s head off, because at this point I can practically breathe fire.

  I throw open the door to the gymnasium/sanctuary, and there is Luke and what looks like his bridal party. And guess who else? My baby!

  It’s about to go down.

  “I hear it’s bad luck to walk down the aisle during the rehearsal, but we don’t believe in luck at this assembly. God cancels every curse.” Luke doesn’t even notice me standing at the door.

  I yell at the top of my lungs, “He cancels every curse, but he sure ain’t about to cancel the arrest warrant I’m about to whip out on your behind! You think you can kidnap my son and get away with it?”

  Luke looks at me and then looks at Joshua with questions on his face. I stride over and snatch Joshua by the arm.

  “Joshua,” Luke says, “you didn’t tell your mother you were going to be here? Who dropped yo
u off? I thought you said she was bringing you.”

  “My friend’s mom brought me,” Joshua says. “Mom, my dad didn’t kidnap me!”

  “Somebody better tell me what the heck is going on before folk start going to jail,” I say. “’Cause I’m getting real irritated at this lack of detail.”

  Joshua snatches his arm out of my grip. “I wanted to come to my father’s wedding. He asked me to be a groomsman. I knew you’d act crazy, just like you’re doing right now.”

  “Boy, you ain’t seen me acting crazy! Don’t make me embarrass you in front of all these people.”

  “Joshua, apologize to your mother,” Luke says. “You can’t disrespect her like that.”

  “Even when she’s tripping?”

  Luke has a faint smile on his face. I want to slap it right off. “Even when she’s tripping. The Bible makes a promise to young men who obey their mothers and their fathers. He promises you a long life.”

  Joshua looks up at me. “Sorry.”

  “Taylor, forgive me, as well,” Luke says. “I didn’t know he was here without your permission. I thought you’d had a change of heart.”

  “Mom, you’re not being fair. I was at you and Spencer’s wedding.”

  I turn to face Spencer, who has finally caught up with me. “He wants to be a groomsman in Luke’s wedding.”

  “I don’t see a problem with it,” Spencer says. “He’s old enough to make that decision.”

  “Spencer and I are still not coming,” I say. “I will drop my son off and pick him up.”

  “I was thinking I could swing by and get him in the bridal party limo,” Luke says.

  The only thing that stops me from doing five backward somersaults that end in me putting Luke into a choke hold is the fact that Joshua looks so excited. But someone please tell me how he can afford a hood-fabulous wedding when he hasn’t paid child support? He needs to be sending a limo full of tennis shoes and school supplies.

  I close my eyes and nod. I can’t fix my mouth to agree verbally. Joshua seems very excited, because he hugs me tightly around my neck.

  “The rehearsal is almost over,” Luke says. “Go with your mother until she brings you in the morning. I’m sure she still has some fussing to do on the way home.”

  Fussing, screaming, hollering, ranting, and raving. All of the above and then some, but I don’t like Luke saying anything that I’m going to do, like we’re coparents or something like that. Luke has it twisted. There are no coparents in this situation. I’m Joshua’s mother, and Spencer is his stepfather. The others are all temporary, including his father.

  “So we’ll see you tomorrow, bright and early?” Luke asks.

  “Spencer will drop him off and then will wait for him until he’s ready to come home.” Spencer looks like he wants to object, but he knows he’s on my bad side right now, so he can forget about fussing.

  I pull Joshua up out of this gymnasium and storm past Spencer. He follows right behind us and slams the door. When we get to the car, I nearly throw Joshua into the backseat.

  “Ow!” he yells as he bumps his head going in.

  Spencer stares at me before we get into the car.

  “What?” I ask.

  “Don’t be too hard on him. He was with Luke, not robbing a bank.”

  I cock my head to one side. “I almost don’t know which one I’d rather he be doing.”

  We get into the car, and I turn around and glare at Joshua.

  “Ma, can you stop looking at me like that?”

  “You aren’t in control of anything, boy. I can look at you however I want. You better be glad I’m not back there beating your behind.”

  “I’m too old for spankings, Mom.”

  “No, you’re not.”

  “Are you going to spank me for going to my father’s wedding?”

  I close my eyes and sigh. “No. I’m not.”

  “Good, because I really like him, Mom. Don’t make him go away again.”

  I open my eyes and say, “You think I made him go away? Did he tell you that?”

  Joshua shakes his head. “No, but you hate him, and of course, Auntie Yvonne hates him. Y’all don’t want to give him a chance, but I do.”

  I let out a huge sigh. I’m going to have to allow this, even though I don’t want to, because if I don’t, my son is going to end up hating me.

  “Don’t let him say anything bad about me,” I say.

  Joshua’s eyes light up. “So this means you’re not going to stop me from being around him?”

  “For now, you can see him. But if I even think he’s a woman beater still, I’m getting you away from him.”

  “Thanks, Mom.”

  I can remember only a few times where Joshua looked this happy. Ain’t that about nothing? I spend his entire life trying to make him content and making sure he has everything he needs, even when I have nothing, and Luke comes in and takes all of his admiration.

  What part of the single-mom game is that?

  CHAPTER 41

  YVONNE

  Kingston says that he has a surprise for me, but to be honest, I am afraid of his surprises! Ever since the attack, he barely lets me out of his sight long enough to go home and go to bed. The night after the attack he slept in his car outside of my condo, and he said he didn’t care who saw him. I didn’t even know he was outside until that following morning. It was a . . . surprise!

  Who knows? Maybe it’ll be something fun. Lord knows, I need something to break up the endless prayers I’ve been doing for my friends.

  Taylor called and told me that she’s letting Joshua go to Luke’s wedding. I don’t agree with that at all, but she is the parent, and I guess as ignorant as he is, Luke should be recognized as a parent, too. I just wish he would leave them alone. He knows Joshua is being raised right, so why does he even interfere?

  “Yvonne, I’m done cooking dinner!” Eva says. “Do you like spaghetti?”

  “Who doesn’t like spaghetti?” I say. “But I’m going to pass. I don’t want something so heavy on my stomach at choir practice.”

  Eva is the perfect houseguest. She cooks! I am a good cook myself, but there’s something decadent about sitting down and letting someone else prepare your meal.

  There’s the doorbell, right on time. Kingston has never been late picking me up. We’re not even going on a date. We’re going to choir practice. I take one last look in the mirror and adjust the purple flower on the left side of my hair. Someone told me once that Hawaiian women wear their flowers that way. Left side for single women, right for married, and in the middle for those who are open to negotiation.

  Guess it’s the middle for Ms. Pam.

  I open the door with a huge smile on my face, because no matter what I’m thinking about, I’m happy to see Kingston. “Hello, you!” I say as I hug him around the neck.

  He pulls back and plants a soft kiss on my lips. I think I could go on savoring his kisses for an eternity.

  “What is the surprise?” I ask.

  Kingston grins and shakes his head. “You are very impatient, Yvonne. You’ll have to wait for your surprise.”

  “Oh, all right. Would you like something to eat before we go to choir practice?”

  “No thank you, but I’d like something to eat after practice.”

  “A lady doesn’t entertain male company in her home after dark.”

  Kingston laughs. “Well, it’s a good thing you aren’t going to be entertaining me. You’ll be feeding me.”

  I punch him lightly on the arm. “You are teasing me.”

  “Ditto.”

  This makes me crack up. Kingston keeps accusing me of teasing him, and it tickles me that he’s this attracted to me. Luke never treated me as if he desired me. But every intense gaze Kingston sends my way lets me know that he wants to know me in more than the biblical sense.

  I know that’s how God made men and women, but it still frightens me. Chastity is not optional—it’s a requirement with me. I just hope Kingston do
esn’t try to put me in an uncompromising position. I would be so disappointed, especially since I’ve decided to give him my heart.

  In the car on the way to choir practice, Kingston hums and looks so pleased with himself that I’m curious about what he’s thinking.

  “A penny for your thoughts,” I say.

  “They are worth a little more than that, but if you’re on a budget, I’ll accept your little piddly coin.”

  “Piddly? You’re calling my money piddly?”

  “One cent, Yvonne?”

  I laugh out loud. “What are you thinking about?”

  “You.”

  “Well, I’m right here, so tell me what’s going on in your head.”

  He lifts an eyebrow. “It wouldn’t be proper to tell a lady these things.”

  My jaw drops. “Kingston!”

  “Hey, you asked! I wasn’t going to say anything at all.”

  “You’re about to minister, Kingston!”

  He nods. “I know. Don’t you realize that’s why ministers usually start off their prayers asking for forgiveness? It’s a daily thing for men.”

  “I’m not going to believe my pastor is thinking about First Lady in a carnal way before he preaches.”

  “It depends on what First Lady is wearing.”

  “Kingston!”

  “I’m just saying. Pastor Brown is not a saint. He’s a man who loves the Lord . . . and his beautiful wife.”

  We finally get to the church, and not a second too soon. I’m done listening to Kingston say ridiculousness about my pastor. I’m going to choose to believe that he’s not thinking about anything other than God’s grace and mercy in the pulpit.

  I don’t wait for Kingston to open the door for me. I just jump out of the car and start walking toward the church. Kingston’s feelings seem hurt.

  “Why didn’t you let me get it?” he asks when he catches up to me.

  “Because I didn’t want you to rub any of your flesh off on me.”

  Kingston laughs. “Please stop saying things like that! You want me to stay in the spirit, but you keep egging me on.”

  Kingston casually takes my hand in his as we walk into the church. I look down at his hand and then up at him. “So we’re going public?”