The Merman Boxset: Gay Merman Romance

by Aratare, X.

  But—

  We can talk after you are steady on your feet. If you do not breathe with me, I will come in the house after you, Casillus threatened.

  WHAT?

  I will put your back against my front so that you can feel my chest moving, and yours will then do the same. I will come for you, Gabriel, if you continue to put yourself in danger. Do you want that? Do you want me to come get you?

  Gabriel let out a breathy laugh. A half naked merman pushing open the back door and leaving wet footprints all along the hall as he stormed upstairs would be quite a sight. Something in him thrilled at the thought. If Casillus did come and he was seen by everyone else then he was real, but if he didn’t come then it was all in Gabriel’s head. And I don’t want him to go away. Not yet. Not right now. Honestly, it wasn’t all that surprising that he wanted this illusion—if it was an illusion—to continue. With Casillus in his head he truly didn’t feel alone, and he was so frightened right now by what was happening to him. He sent to the Mer, All right. All right. Help me breathe. I’m not going to fight you on this.

  Close your eyes and see through mine. Be in my body, Gabriel, Casillus instructed.

  Gabriel let his eyelids fall shut. He saw only the familiar darkness behind them. He waited to start hearing the sea or seeing underwater like he had before. But nothing happened. Once again, he found himself digging his nails into his palms and about to let out a sob of frustration as his breaths shortened.

  It’s not working! Gabriel cried.

  It is because you’re holding back, Casillus said.

  But I’m trying! I’m really trying! Casillus, I can’t breathe ...

  I know you have doubts, you are fighting very hard not to believe me real, but let go of that for now. Listen to your heartbeat and you will find mine as well. Casillus’ voice was soothing. I am with you, Gabriel. I am right there with you and you are right here with me.

  I’m afraid!

  I know. Imagine my arms around you. I am holding you to me. You are safe. You are not alone. Let go.

  Gabriel nodded. Only after doing it did he realize that Casillus could not see his assent, but the Mer must have felt it because he said nothing more. Gabriel found his head sinking forward, his chin resting against his chest, as he listened to his heartbeat. It was thumping hard as he struggled to breathe, but behind his own rattling beat he sensed a steadier thump.

  Yes, Gabriel. That is my heart. Reach for it, Casillus whispered.

  Gabriel followed the sound of that second heart, that strong heart, until the sound of it completely filled his ears and not even his own erratic breathing could be heard above it. That was when he saw a flash of silver behind his eyelids. He nearly opened his eyes in surprise, but Casillus was talking to him again, soothing him.

  That is moonlight, Gabriel. Moonlight streaming down through the water. You are starting to connect to me.

  Why was it so easy for me to just see through your eyes before? To be with you before?

  Because you were not consciously trying to, Casillus said softly. You have to accept and want to connect with me now for this to work.

  I want to breathe, Gabriel said with a strangled laugh. Being with you is a bonus.

  A bonus? That is a good thing, as I understand it. Being with you will be a “bonus” for me as well, but having you breathe easily will be the ultimate gift, Casillus said. You hear my heart? Now merge your heartbeat with mine. You can do this, Gabriel.

  Gabriel could faintly hear his own straining heart behind the steady thump of the Mer’s. He wasn’t sure how he did it, but he brought the two sounds together. At first, it was as if one heart had an irregular rhythm, but then they began to beat as one. Gabriel let out a gasp of relief, for as soon as their heartbeats merged he could take in a deep breath again.

  Good, Gabriel. Breathe with me. Be with me.

  Gabriel sagged against the wall and breathed. His fingers flexed at his sides as he thought he felt water filtering through them, but then he realized that those were Casillus’ hands that were waving through the water.

  I’m okay. God, I thought … thank you, Casillus.

  Again, no thanks are necessary.

  What’s going to happen to me? Will I ever be able to breathe easily again? Gabriel felt a spurt of panic in his chest at the thought, but he also felt Casillus’ deep calmness. He latched on to that and concentrated on just being with the Mer.

  You will when you are in water, Casillus said after a long, quite moment. Remember how you felt when you were underwater, Gabriel? How light and strong and fast you were? How you breathed so easily?

  Gabriel did remember. He recalled how he had floated in the cave and breathed with ease, as opposed to now. He should have drowned, but he hadn’t. Instead it was now, when there was plenty of air, that he felt like he was suffocating. Gabriel’s eyelids opened and he bit down on a moan.

  I can’t believe this is real, Gabriel murmured.

  But you do believe. You are just afraid … and angry. I do not understand where this anger comes from.

  I’m not angry. I’m …

  But was he angry? He was certainly afraid. Not being human revealed a chasm between him and the rest of the world that he had always sensed yet tried to reject, telling himself that he was just shy and introverted, not other. But being a Mer meant he truly was other. Every secret fear about himself was coming true. But the anger didn’t stem from the fear or even that knowledge. No, it came from somewhere else. It came from a sense of unfairness and grief. The image of his family’s boat sinking and his parents’ empty graves flashed before his mind’s eye. How could the descendants of Mers drown? How could genetics and the sea be so cruel that drowning ended up being their fate?

  I am angry. I’m so pissed that I can’t hardly think straight, Gabriel confessed.

  I wish I could help you. Perhaps if you told me why you are so angry, I could say or do something to assist.

  Gabriel blinked. You didn’t hear my thoughts about my parents, then?

  Your parents? No.

  Gabriel realized he had somehow blocked Casillus from knowing this. They died.

  Casillus’ response came after a beat of silence and a sensation like he was reaching out and wrapping Gabriel in a mental blanket. I am so sorry for your loss.

  Gabriel shut his eyes. He felt Casillus’ pain for him. The Mer’s weren’t empty words. But he couldn’t help feeling a surge of angry betrayal when he added, They drowned, Casillus. In the sea.

  Oh, Gabriel, I—I do not know what to say.

  Again, Gabriel felt Casillus’ emotions. This time it was grief, and Gabriel nearly shook from feeling another’s concern for him. Gabriel swallowed. Just answer me this, Casillus, how can I be a Mer if my father—a Braven—drowned?

  Your mother, Casillus said.

  What about her? She drowned too! Gabriel remembered his mother’s determined expression as she had pushed off the boat and started swimming towards his father.

  She must have had Mer blood as well, Casillus explained. Their joined blood is what pushed you over to the Mer side.

  She told me about the Mers the day she died, Gabriel said. I thought she was making up stories.

  I wish I could hold you, Gabriel, Casillus murmured. You need to be touched and comforted. I could hold you while you slept.

  Where? In my bed? Or in the ocean? I’m pretty sure you mean the ocean. Gabriel suppressed the mixture of excitement and dread that he felt at the thought of being underwater. He imagined being in Casillus’ arms in the black sea with only moonlight streaming down through the waves, turning the water into liquid silver.

  And would that be so bad? You can hear the sound of the water around me. It soothes you. Your body would be weightless in the ocean. Your breathing would be easy, Casillus pointed out.

  I—I can’t do that, Casillus.

  Gabriel lumbered into his bedroom, closing the door behind him before he collapsed into bed. Lumbered. It was such an ugly word, but tha
t was what it felt like. His movements were leaden and graceless. His body had felt ungainly as his feet thumped against the wooden floor. When he shifted his body on the bed, he felt like he was flopping about. The squeak of the springs grated on his nerves. Gabriel curled up on his side. His breath came in short, quick gasps. Anxiety began to creep in again.

  It will ease. Your breathing will become deep and slow. You are getting enough air. Casillus’ voice calmed some of the panic that was flittering through Gabriel.

  But the young man found himself asking the Mer, Am I? Am I getting enough air?

  For now, yes, Casillus answered.

  Gabriel piled two pillows together under his head to try to get more air, but that just caused a crick in his neck and his windpipe felt like it was getting pinched off, too. He tried tucking one arm underneath a single pillow to raise his head less dramatically than the two pillows had, but his breathing still felt labored. He would never sleep like this.

  If I were to believe you that I am—I am a Mer, how long do I have before I—I can’t breathe on land? Gabriel dug his fingers into the sheets and mattress beneath him as he awaited an answer that he was sure couldn’t be good unless the answer was “never.”

  That was not the Mer’s answer, of course. The transition is different for each person.

  But? I hear a “but” in there.

  But you are older. Your body has been readying itself for some time to transition and go beneath the waves; therefore, I imagine that your time will be quicker than usual, Casillus said.

  Like how much quicker? Gabriel took in another shuddering breath that didn’t seem to inflate his lungs all the way.

  I have never had the privilege of assisting one of our people transition. I cannot guess—

  Guess! Gabriel gentled his tone. Please. Please give me the best guess you can.

  A few days. Four at the outermost before your body will need to be in the water or you will … will die, Casillus finally answered.

  Four days? That was less than a week, and if he was already feeling like this on day one then what would day four be like? Gabriel remembered once finding a fish on the beach that was still alive. It had been washed ashore by a powerful wave. He remembered how its mouth had frantically opened and shut, its glassy eye staring up at him with seeming panic. Gabriel had tried to put it back in the water, but his grandmother had shooed him away from it. Will that be me? Oh, God.

  Four days is at the outermost. It will likely be much swifter than that. You are already having such difficulty breathing—

  But you breathed out of the water! Why can’t I? Gabriel was grasping for anything to hold on to at that moment.

  We all can for a short time, Casillus conceded.

  So I could just go for a dip or something and then come back out of the water and be fine, right? Though the thought of going into the sea, as always, caused gooseflesh from both fear and excitement to rise on his arms, Gabriel would do it if it allowed him to feel better.

  Not right after the transition. You will need to be submerged for some time before you can spend any time out of the water without severe difficulty. There was a flash of imagery this time instead of simply words from Casillus. The images were of the vast ocean spread out before them as the sun rose and set hundreds of times.

  What would have happened to me if you hadn’t found me today? Gabriel asked. He didn’t know if that was really what he had intended to ask the Mer, but he found himself truly wanting to know the answer once he asked it.

  I hope that you would have made your way to the sea even without me, Casillus said.

  I wouldn’t have, you know. I really wouldn’t have. I would have gone to a doctor or a hospital and they would have found out and—

  One of the Mers would have found you, Casillus said firmly, squelching Gabriel’s panic-stricken imaginings.

  How would anyone have known? You said yourself that the mating—ah, thing with the Bravens happened a long time ago, right? Gabriel questioned. Are some of you just hanging around this area waiting for people to transition? Are there other people who think they are human, but aren’t?

  The connection between all Mers would have drawn someone here even though it has been a long time since we last mated with humankind, Casillus said.

  Yet you were close enough to find me drowning in a cave, Gabriel pressed. Was it the connection that drew you to me?

  Not exactly. I was … called to be there.

  Gabriel stilled. He remembered how when he had stepped foot into the ocean to save that couple there had been a thrum. Was that the call that Casillus had heard? What kind of call?

  It is hard to explain. It is something that happens to some of us. It is a great … honor.

  Did it come from—from farther up the coast? Gabriel tensed as he awaited Casillus’ answer.

  No, I—I just knew I had to come here. It was my duty.

  Obviously you didn’t expect to find a drowning man, right? Gabriel guessed.

  I expected to find … well, I expected to find someone, Casillus said carefully. Gabriel had the impression that the Mer was keeping something back, but what it was he had no idea. You must believe me when I say that—that I am overjoyed that I found you.

  Gabriel shifted slightly in bed, pleased that Casillus was happy to have found him. How long can you stay here?

  I will not leave you. Casillus’ voice was certain, firm. I told you: I will never leave you.

  Gabriel felt a wash of gratitude at hearing those words that he still was too afraid to trust. I mean, do you have someone waiting for you back home? People missing you?

  Mers are always connected, Gabriel, remember? So though I am here and they are far beneath the waves in Emralis, we are never truly parted from one another, Casillus explained. So my family and friends are not missing me. I am with them and they are with me. Always.

  I don’t know if that is cool or creepy, Gabriel confessed.

  Imagine if that well of loneliness in you were to vanish. Would you regret its loss? That is what it will be like for you once you accept yourself as a Mer fully, Casillus said.

  But the only Mer I know is you, so it’s not like I have a bunch of people waiting for me in Emralis. Is that the name of a Mer city?

  It is. It is our capital. But you do have family awaiting you, Gabriel. House Liseas has many members and I know that Aemrys is eager to greet you and help you assimilate. He is coming here—

  Aemrys is coming here? Now? Gabriel found himself sitting up in bed as his breathing became strained again. Another Mer was coming here? Why did the thought of more than just Casillus being there cause him to blindly panic again just as he was getting used to the idea of Mers?

  Yes, but it will take him some time to get here. I believe he will not arrive until after your transition is complete, Casillus explained.

  Or I’m dead, right?

  I will not let you die, Gabriel.

  You’ll drag me into the water, then? Gabriel felt a mixture of fear and the desire for the choice to be taken out of his hands.

  It will not come to that. You will let go of your fear and anger and come to me. I know you will, Gabriel, Casillus whispered. But for now you need to rest. I can feel your body aching with the need to sleep.

  Gabriel sank back down onto the bed. He really was exhausted. His eyelids fell nearly shut, but he fought against unconsciousness. His breathing was still shallow, and a tiny flare of fear had ignited in his chest that he would suffocate to death in his sleep. You will—will stay with me all night, won’t you, Casillus? I mean if I stop breathing or something you’ll know and wake me?

  Casillus’ voice was deep and sure as he answered, I will never leave you, Gabriel. Be at peace. I will keep you safe.

  Gabriel hugged that promise to himself mentally. He allowed his eyelids to shut all the way and, suddenly, he was seeing the water.

  I’m seeing through your eyes. The sea looks so beautiful, Gabriel said, his voice sleepy.

 
Yes, Gabriel. We are connected. Always. You are not alone. Not even in sleep.

  5

  BLACK WATER

  At first Gabriel didn’t realize he had fallen asleep and was dreaming when he noticed the hull of the sailboat floating high above Casillus on the ocean’s surface. He thought a boat was merely passing over Casillus’ position, but then he noticed that unlike the calm sea he had been seeing before, the water was now roiling even some fifty feet down below the surface where Casillus was. The silvery moonlight that had streamed down through the water had been replaced by the hot, white light of lightning.

  A storm has come. Gabriel’s stomach went rock hard with fear. He hated storms. Storms on the water were so much worse. And to actually be in the sea when one was going on? No. Absolutely not. With that thought in mind, he reached out for the Mer. Casillus, you should go deeper. It’s not safe here so near the sea’s surface with the storm going on.

  Casillus did not answer. A well of unease opened in Gabriel’s chest. Why was the Mer not answering? He reached harder for the Mer, tried to feel Casillus like he usually did, but the Mer was not there. It was like reaching into emptiness.

  Casillus? Are you there? Why can’t you hear me?

  The storm raged even stronger above him. The water was moving violently even at Casillus’ depth. Gabriel felt the Mer being thrown around by the power of the waves. If it was this bad far below the surface, how bad was it up above? Gabriel jerked his head upwards. And that’s when he knew he was dreaming. He had moved his head. This was his body. Not the Mers.

  He was underwater and he was watching a sailboat fight for its life against a once in a century storm. And that’s when he knew what he was dreaming about. He should have known he would dream of the accident.

  No, not this. Please.

  Even with the reassurance of Casillus’ promise to stay with him always, even in sleep, even in dreams, he should have known that this would be the dream that would come. But Casillus, for all his promises, was not there.