'Tis a Memoir

by Frank McCourt

  On the day itself Mr. Carey invites the housemen of the hotel and four chambermaid supervisors to his office for a little Christmas drink. There's a bottle of Paddy's Irish whiskey and a bottle of Four Roses which Digger Moon won't touch. He wants to know why anyone would drink piss like Four Roses when they can have the best thing that ever came out of Ireland, the whiskey. Mr. Carey strokes his belly along the double-breasted suit and says it's all the same to him, he can't drink anything. It would kill him. But drink anyway, here's to a Merry Christmas and who knows what the next year will bring.

  Joe Gilligan is already smiling from whatever he's been swigging all day from the flask in his back pocket and between that and the arthritis there's the odd stumble. Mr. Carey tells him, Here, Joe, sit in my chair, and when Joe tries to sit he lets out a great groan and there are tears on his cheeks. Mrs. Hynes, the head of all the chambermaids, goes over to him and holds his head against her chest and pats him and rocks him. She says, Ah, poor Joe, poor Joe, I don't know how the good Lord could twist your bones after what you did for America in the war. Digger Moon says that's where Joe got the arthritis, in the goddam Pacific, where they have every goddam disease known to man. Remember this, Joe, it was the goddam Japs gave you that arthritis the way they gave me malaria. We haven't been the same since, Joe, you an' me.

  Mr. Carey tells him take it easy, take it easy with the language, there are ladies present, and Digger says, Okay, Mr. Carey, I respect you for that and it's Christmas so what the hell. Mrs. Hynes says, That's right, it's Christmas and we must love each other and forgive our enemies. Digger says, Forgive my ass. I don't forgive the white man and I don't forgive the Japs. But I forgive you, Joe. You suffered more than ten Indian tribes with that goddam arthritis. When he grabs Joe's hand to shake it Joe howls with pain and Mr. Carey says, Digger, Digger. Mrs. Hynes says, Will you, for the love o' Jesus, have respect for Joe's arthritis. Digger says, Sorry, ma'am, I have the greatest respect for Joe's arthritis, and to prove it he holds a large glass of Paddy's to Joe's lips.

  Eddie Gilligan stands over in a corner with his glass and I wonder why he looks and says nothing when the world is worried about his brother. I know he has his own troubles with his wife's blood infection but I can't understand why he won't at least stand closer to his brother.

  Jerry Kerrisk whispers we should get away from this crazy crowd and have a beer. I don't like spending money in bars with the trouble my mother is in but it's Christmas and the whiskey I had already makes me feel better about myself and the world in general and why shouldn't I be good to myself. It's the first time in my life I ever drank whiskey like a man and now that I'm in a bar with Jerry I can talk and not worry about my eyes or anything. Now I can ask Jerry why Eddie Gilligan is so cold to his brother.

  Women, says Jerry. Eddie was engaged to this girl when he was drafted but when he went away she and Joe fell in love and when she sent Eddie back the engagement ring he went crazy and said he'd kill Joe the minute he saw him. But Eddie was sent to Europe and Joe to the Pacific and they were busy killing other people and while they were away Joe's wife, the one Eddie was supposed to marry, started drinking and now makes Joe's life hell. Eddie said that was punishment for the son-of-a-bitch for stealing his girl. He met a nice Italian girl himself in the army, a WAC, but she has the blood infection and you'd think there's a curse on the whole Gilligan family.

  Jerry says he thinks the Irish mothers are right after all. You should marry your own kind, Irish Catholics, and make sure they're not drinkers or Italians with blood infections.

  He laughs when he says that but there's something serious in his eyes and I don't say anything because I know I don't want to marry an Irish Catholic myself and spend the rest of my life dragging the kids to confession and Communion and saying, Yes, Father, oh, indeed, Father, every time I see a priest.

  Jerry wants to stay in the bar and drink more beer and he turns peevish when I tell him I have to visit Mrs. Austin and her sister, Hannah. Why would I want to spend Christmas Eve with two old Swedish women, forty years old at least, when I could be having a grand time for myself with girls from Mayo and Kerry up at Ireland's Thirty-Two? Why?

  I can't answer him because I don't know where I want to be or what I'm supposed to do. That's what you're faced with when you come to America, one decision after another. I knew what to do in Limerick and I had answers for questions but this is my first Christmas Eve in New York and here I am pulled one way by Jerry Kerrisk, Ireland's Thirty-Two, the promise of girls from Mayo and Kerry, and the other way by two old Swedish women, one always gawking out the window in case I might smuggle in food or drink, the other unhappy with her Irish husband and who knows what way she'll jump. I'm afraid if I don't go to Mrs. Austin she might turn savage on me and tell me leave and there I'll be out on the street on Christmas Eve with my brown suitcase and only a few dollars left after sending money home, paying my rent and now buying beer right and left in this bar. After all this I can't afford to spend the night doling out beer money for the women of Ireland and that's the part Jerry understands, the part that takes away his peevishness. He knows money has to be sent home. He says, Happy Christmas, and laughs, I know you'll have a wild night with the old Swedish girls. The barman has his ear cocked and he says, Mind yourself at them Swedish parties. They'll be giving you their native drink, the glug, and if you drink that stuff you won't know Christmas Eve from the feast of the Immaculate Conception. It's black and thick and you'd need a strong constitution for it, and then they make you eat all kinds of fish with it, raw fish, salty fish, smoked fish, all kinds of fish you wouldn't give a cat. The Swedes drink that glug and it makes them so crazy they think they're Vikings all over again.

  Jerry says he didn't know the Swedes were Vikings. He thought you had to be a Dane.

  Nodatall, says the barman. All them people in northern places were Vikings. Whenever you saw ice you were sure to see a Viking.

  Jerry says it's remarkable the things people know and the barman says, I could tell you a story or two.

  Jerry orders one more beer for the road and I drink it though I don't know what's going to become of me after my two large whiskeys in Mr. Carey's office and four beers here with Jerry. I don't know how I'm going to face a night of glug and all kinds of fish if the barman is right in his prophecy.

  We walk up Third Avenue singing "Don't Fence Me In" with people rushing past us frantic over Christmas, giving us nothing but hard stares. There are dancing Christmas lights everywhere, but up around Bloomingdale's the lights dance too much and I have to hold on to a Third Avenue El pillar and throw up. Jerry pushes in my stomach with his fist. Get it all up, he says, and you'll have plenty of room for the glug and you'll be a new man tomorrow. Then he says glug glug glug and laughs so hard over the sound of the word he's nearly hit by a car and a cop tells us move on, that we should be ashamed of ourselves, Irish kids that should respect the birthday of the Savior, goddammit.

  There's a diner at Sixty-seventh Street and Jerry says I should have coffee to straighten me out before I see the Swedes, he'll pay for it. We sit at the counter and he tells me he's not going to spend the rest of his life working like a slave at the Biltmore Hotel. He's not going to wind up like the Gilligans who fought for the U.S.A. and what the hell did they get for it? Arthritis and wives with blood infections and drinking problems, that's what they got. Oh, no, Jerry is heading for the Catskill Mountains on Memorial Day, the end of May, the Irish Alps. Plenty of work up there waiting on tables, cleaning up, anything, and the tips are good. There are Jewish places up there, too, but they're not too active in the tipping department because they pay for everything in advance and don't have to carry cash. The Irish drink and leave money on tables or the floor and when you clean up it's all yours. Sometimes they come back squawking but you didn't see a thing. You don't know nothing. You just sweep up the way you're paid to. Of course they don't believe you and they call you a liar and say things about your mother but there's nothing they can do excep
t take their business elsewhere. There are plenty of girls up in the Catskills. Some places have outdoor dances and all you have to do is waltz your Mary into the woods and before you know it you're in a state of mortal sin. The Irish girls are mad for it once they get to the Catskills. They're hopeless in the city the way they all work in fancy places like Schrafft's with their little black dresses and little white aprons, Ah, yes, ma'am, ah, indeed, ma'am, are the mashed potatoes a little too lumpy, ma'am? but get them up in the mountains and they're like cats, up the pole, getting pregnant, and before they know what hit them, dozens of Seans and Kevins are dragging their arses up the aisle with the priests glaring at them and the girls' big brothers threatening them.

  I want to sit in the diner all night listening to Jerry talking about Irish girls in the Catskills but the man says it's Christmas Eve and he's closing out of respect to his Christian customers even though he's Greek and it's not really his Christmas. Jerry wants to know how it could not be his Christmas since all you have to do is look out the window for proof but the Greek says, We're different.

  That's enough for Jerry who doesn't argue about such things and that's what I like about him, the way he goes through life having another beer and dreaming of grand times in the Catskills and not arguing with Greeks about Christmas. I wish I could be like him but there's always some dark cloud at the back of my head, Swedish women waiting for me with glug, or a letter from my mother saying thanks for the few dollars, Michael and Alphie will have shoes and we'll have a nice goose for Christmas with the help of God and His Blessed Mother. She never mentions she needs shoes for herself and once I think of that I know I'll have another dark cloud at the back of my head. I wish there was a little panel I could slide back to release the clouds but there isn't and I'll have to find another way or stop collecting dark clouds.

  The Greek says, Good night, gen'men, and would we like to take some day-old doughnuts. Take 'em, he says, or I trow out. Jerry says he'll have one to keep him going to Ireland's Thirty-Two where he'll have a feed of corned beef and cabbage and floury white potatoes. The Greek fills a bag with doughnuts and confectionery and tells me I look like I could use a decent meal, so take the bag.

  Jerry says good night at Sixty-eighth Street and I wish I could go with him. The whole day has me dizzy and it's still not over with the Swedes there waiting, stirring the glug, slicing the raw fish. The thought of it makes me puke all over again there on the street and people passing by, frantic with Christmas, make sounds of disgust and step away from me, telling their little children, Don't look at that disgusting man. He's drunk. I want to tell them, please don't turn the little children against me. I want to tell them this is not a habit I have. There are clouds at the back of my head, my mother has a goose, at least, but she needs shoes.

  But there's no use trying to talk to people with parcels and children by the hand and their heads ringing with Christmas carols because they're going home to bright apartments and they know God's in His heaven, all's right with the world, as the poet said.

  Mrs. Austin opens the door. Oh, look, Hannah, Mr. McCourt brought us a whole bag of doughnuts and pastries. Hannah gives a little wave from the couch and says, That's nice, you never know when you might need a bag of doughnuts. I always thought the Irish brought a bottle but you're different. Give the boy a drink, Stephanie.

  Hannah is drinking red wine but Mrs. Austin goes to a bowl on the table and ladles out the black stuff into a glass, the glug. My stomach turns again and I have to control it.

  Siddown, says Hannah. Lemme tell you something, Irish boy. I don't give a shit about your people. You may be nice, my sister says you're nice, you bring nice doughnuts, but right under your skin you're nothing but shit.

  Please, Hannah, says Mrs. Austin.

  Please, Hannah, my ass. What did you people ever do for the world besides drink? Stephanie, give him some fish, decent Swedish food. Moon-faced mick. You make me sick, you little mick. Ah, ha, didja hear the poetry in that?

  She cackles away over her poetry and I don't know what to do with my glug in one hand and Mrs. Austin pushing fish at me with the other. Mrs. Austin is drinking the glug, too, and she staggers from me to the bowl to the couch where Hannah is holding out her glass for more wine. She slurps her wine and glares at me. She says, A kid I was when I married that mick. Nineteen. How many years ago? Jesus, twenty-one. Whadda you, Stephanie? Forty-something? Wasted my life on that mick. And what are you doin' here? Who sent you?

  Mrs. Austin.

  Mrs. Austin. Mrs. Austin. Speak up, you little spud-shitter. Drink your glug and speak up.

  Mrs. Austin sways before me with her glug glass. Come on, Eugene, less go to bed.

  Oh, I'm not Eugene, Mrs. Austin.

  Oh.

  She turns and wobbles away into another room and Hannah cackles again, See that. She still doesn't know she's a widow. Wish I was a goddam widow.

  The glug I drank is making my stomach turn and I try to rush to the street but the door has three locks and I'm throwing up in the basement vestibule before I can get out. Hannah lurches from the couch and tells me get into the kitchen, get a mop and soap and clean up this goddam mess, don't you know it's Christmas Eve for Chrissakes and is this how you treat your gracious host.

  From kitchen to door I go with dripping mop, swabbing, squeezing, rinsing in the kitchen sink and back again. Hannah pats my shoulder and kisses my ear and tells me I'm not such a bad mick after all, that I must have been well brought up the way I clean my mess. She tells me help myself to anything, glug, fish, even one of my own doughnuts, but I place the mop back where I found it and walk past Hannah, with the idea in my head that once I cleaned up I don't have to listen to her anymore or anyone like her. She calls to me, Where you going? Where the hell do you think you're going? but I'm up the stairs to my room, my bed, so that I can lie there listening to Christmas carols on the radio with the world spinning around me and a great wonder in my head about the rest of my life in America. If I wrote to anyone in Limerick and told them about my Christmas Eve in New York they'd say I was making it up. They'd say New York must be a lunatic asylum.

  In the morning there's a knock at my door and it's Mrs. Austin in dark glasses. Hannah is farther down the stairs and she's in dark glasses, too. Mrs. Austin says she heard I had an accident in her apartment but no one can blame her or her sister since they were prepared to offer the finest of Swedish hospitality and if I chose to arrive at their little party in a certain state they couldn't be blamed and it's too bad because they wanted nothing but a truly Christian Christmas Eve and I just wanted to tell you, Mr. McCourt, we don't appreciate your behavior one bit, isn't that right, Hannah?

  There's a croak from Hannah as she coughs and puffs on a cigarette.

  They go back down the stairs and I want to call after Mrs. Austin to see if there's any chance she could spare me a doughnut from the Greek's bag since I'm so empty from all the throwing up last night but they're out the door and from my window I can see them loading Christmas parcels into a car and driving off.

  I can stand at the window all day looking at the happy people with children by the hand going off to church, as they say in America, or I can sit up in the bed with Crime and Punishment and see what Raskolnikov is up to but that will stir up all kinds of guilt and I don't have the strength for it and it's not the right kind of reading for a Christmas Day anyway. I'd like to go up the street for Communion at St. Vincent Ferrer's but it's years since I went to confession and my soul is as black as Mrs. Austin's glug. The happy Catholic people with children by the hand are surely going to St. Vincent's and if I follow them I'm bound to have a Christmas feeling.

  It's lovely to go into a church like St. Vincent's where you know the Mass will be just like the Mass in Limerick or anywhere in the world. You could go to Samoa or Kabul and they'd have the same Mass and even if they wouldn't let me be an altar boy in Limerick I still have the Latin my father taught me and no matter where I go I can respond to the priest. No one c
an scoop out the contents of my head, all the saints' feast days I know by heart, the Mass Latin, the chief towns and products of the thirty-two counties of Ireland, songs galore of Ireland's sufferings and Oliver Goldsmith's lovely poem "The Deserted Village." They could put me in jail and throw away the key but they could never stop me from dreaming my way around Limerick and out along the banks of the Shannon or thinking about Raskolnikov and his troubles.

  The people who go to St. Vincent's are like the ones who go to the Sixty-eighth Street Playhouse for Hamlet and they know the Latin responses the way they know the play. They share prayer books and sing hymns together and smile at each other because they know Brigid the maid is back there in the Park Avenue kitchen keeping an eye on the turkey. Their sons and daughters have the look of coming home from school and college and they smile at other people in the pews also home from school and college. They can afford to smile because they all have teeth so dazzling if they dropped them in snow they'd be lost forever.

  The church is so crowded there are people standing in the back but I'm so weak with the hunger and the long Christmas Eve of whiskey, glug and throwing up I want to find a seat. There's an empty spot at the end of a pew far up the center aisle but as soon as I slip into it a man comes running at me. He's all dressed up in striped trousers, a coat with tails, and a frown over his face and he whispers to me, You must leave this pew at once. This is for regular pew holders, come on, come on. I feel my face turning red and that means my eyes are worse and when I go down the aisle I know the whole world is looking at me, the one who sneaked into the pew of a happy family with children home from school and college.