At Seddon Station

by Sheila Horgan

  A precursor to New Year’s is how they decided to market the event. Over scratchy speakers, Doris Day and Bing Crosby entertained with Baby, It’s Cold Outside; Frank Sinatra crooned about holly and mistletoe; and of course, Nat King Cole sang Joy to the World. Carolyn had suggested Run Rudolph Run by Chuck Berry and started a bit of a scandal.

  Carolyn had worked like a dog to get it done. She’d decided to hold the event in the church basement, as it was free. She had invitations printed and then she embellished each one by hand, complete with a bit of sparkle, and then addressed them with a flourish.

  She organized the ladies of the basement—that’s how she now thought of her mother and the women who sat for hours in the church basement gossiping about her and others—to do the cooking. They even had a night at Carolyn’s to practice making little canapés—mostly deviled ham—and cheese straws. Of course, they would have veal loaf snacks and bologna and cheese. She created an extensive list of possibilities, including little brownies with white chocolate dots that looked like dice.

  Carolyn was even able to track down a new business several towns over. A clever idea—the company actually rented party supplies. Novel, and probably nothing more than a twinkle that would fade away, she was grateful to happen upon it in the newspaper.

  The company was more than happy to deliver the goods and to give Carolyn a steeply discounted price, as they were new to the area and the cause was a good one.

  It was all those arrangements, and more, that took up most of the fall and left Carolyn alone in the church, the basement of the church, or in the office. More than once, for hours at a time.

  One of those days, Emerson appeared. Carolyn was so engrossed in her numbers, she didn’t notice him until he cleared his throat.

  “You can’t be here!”

  “But, as you can see, I am here.”

  “Well, you mustn’t be. What if someone were to walk in?”

  “Carolyn, we aren’t doing anything improper.”

  “The mere fact we are alone is improper. I’m a married woman. You’re married, as well.”

  “Which is all the more reason no one would find our encounter anything but innocent.”

  “Emerson, please leave.”

  “Carolyn, why does it bother you so much to be alone with me? Do you feel this way when you’re alone with Father John?”

  “No, of course not.”

  “Then it must be that you still have feelings for me.”

  Carolyn was completely flummoxed. She could not confess her feelings, nor could she ignore them. “Don’t be ridiculous.”

  Father O’Reilly walked in just as Carolyn was ready to scream.

  The three exchanged pleasantries. Father O’Reilly was such a kind man. If he had any suspicions, he didn’t make them known.

  Emerson left without further comment, but something clicked for Carolyn. Hadn’t she always been a woman with a stubborn belief in doing the right thing? Her flirtation with any thoughts of moving forward with her childish fantasies of Emerson were wrong on the face of it, and she was a better person than she’d been displaying of late.

  She stiffened her back with new resolve.

  No matter what the case, she would no longer allow her thoughts to travel down a path toward Emerson.

  She had a lovely life, with a truly giving and respectful husband, and two wonderful children.

  She needed to rededicate herself to them.

  Actually, to dedicate herself at all.

  She’d been floating through life as if her reality were some temporary existence holding place in her heart until her real life—her life with Emerson—began. It was ridiculous, and she was a smarter person than that.

  Her resolve was formidable and everlasting.

  She hoped.

  From that day forward, Carolyn was able to avoid any interactions with Emerson. She was able to push any thoughts of him from her mind. She kept busy with her projects and her children.

  When spring came, it brought with it new hope. Carolyn was all but sure she was expecting her third child. She had a doctor appointment but thought it only a formality. She couldn’t possibly be more pleased, and Coop was over the moon.

  She took the news pretty hard. She wasn’t pregnant at all. She had female problems that had to be dealt with. Those problems took the better part of three months, and although Coop did his best to support her, care for the children, and stay in town, his job called him away—as it always did—and her mother had to take his place. It was a very difficult spring, but by summer, Carolyn was back on her feet, and life was looking more positive.

  Emerson’s sister contacted her at eight one evening. She hadn’t spoken to Zelma, not any more than polite chitchat at church, in years. Not since the train had pulled in at Seddon Station and ruined everything.

  “Carolyn, Emerson needs your help. He needs to see you.”

  “What?”

  “He’s ill.”

  “I’m sure his wife can attend to his needs better than I.”

  “Carolyn, it’s me. I know your history with him. I’m asking you as a friend. Please come to Lantana with me.”

  “Lantana? The mental hospital? Sunny something or other?”

  “Yes.”

  “That’s all the way across the state. I can’t possibly…”

  “He’s been calling for you. You don’t know what it’s like. He has electric treatments there. Carolyn, they place him in a metal tub, put water in the tub, and purposely shock him. It’s supposedly for fits of rage. I believe it’s actually a punishment. From his wife. Only she can sign those papers. I think she punishes him for loving you.”

  “I’m sorry, Zelma. I can’t help you. I’ve told Emerson, and I will tell you. What Emerson and I had, or what we thought as silly children we had, was lost long ago. If he’s having health issues, I’m sorry for that, and I will pray for him and for your family, but there’s no way that I can travel all the way across the state to see a man with whom I have nothing in common. We are not, nor have we ever been, in a relationship that would warrant such a journey.”

  “He might die without seeing you, Carolyn.”

  “Don’t be ridiculous. I’m sorry for his troubles, but they’re not my burden to bear. He made his choices, as we all have. I’m sure his wife will be able to help him through these difficult times.”

  Carolyn hung up the telephone before Zelma could inflict any more damage.

  Carolyn had worked too hard to rid herself of all the turmoil and guilt Emerson had brought into her life. He had promised her a future and had taken it away without consulting her; then he had been a coward and not taken even a moment to prepare her for his return accompanied by his new pregnant bride.

  Carolyn had never been a vengeful person, and vengeance was not her goal, but she refused to allow Emerson to bring her down to his level anymore. She was a happily married woman, or at the very least, she had every reason to be.

  Carolyn called her mother and asked if she was busy. When her mother said no, instead of asking if she would babysit—her normal reason for calling—she asked her mother to join her the next day for a day of shopping and lunch. She would arrange for a sitter, and they would make a day of it.

  It was time for Carolyn to put effort into those that stood by her and no others.

  SEVEN

  A.J. WAS UNABLE to visit as regularly as he wanted—tending to Cara was his first priority, as it should be—but he made sure Suzi visited Carolyn often during work hours.

  Carolyn was feeling better by the day. Her back was far from perfect, but she was managing without medication, and that in and of itself was a point of pride.

  Anna and Adeline were making regular sojourns to be sure their friend was healing properly. It had only been in the last two visits that Carolyn had begun to notice just how tired and distant Adeline seemed.

  When Anna arrived alone, Carolyn jumped on the opportunity to speak to her privately.

  “Is Adeline
alright? She seems tired.”

  “Between you, me, and the bedpost, I’ll tell you I’m worried. She has been on the phone all hours of the day and night. She’s reorganizing her whole company, or companies, whatever they all are. From what I can gather from the little snippets I get here and there, I can’t quite tell if she’s trying to protect herself from her kids and grandkids, or if she’s trying to protect her grandkids from their parents.”

  “That sounds serious.”

  “It is. That woman has so many people working for her, I can’t begin to fathom it. It’s weighing on her, because she feels responsible for every single one of them. She’s trying to protect all of them as well as her own. I guess she’s closing some things down and making sure the people involved with those enterprises are absorbed into other enterprises, assuring they have what they need to find work with other companies. Some of them are getting retrained. I know she’s overseeing it all, not actually in the trenches, but sometimes that can be harder.”

  “What can we do?”

  “Not a thing. I’ve tried. Believe me. I even talked to some of her people. I will tell you, I’ve put a bug in her ear.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I did some research. About a cruise. Told her I thought it would be good for you to get away. To rest your back. She agreed. I think she’ll be in a position to go in a few weeks.”

  “Are you sure this isn’t a double backflip, Anna?” Carolyn chuckled.

  “What?”

  “You and Adeline using Adeline as an excuse to get me to go on a cruise and relax?”

  “I’m really not that smart.” Anna smiled.

  “If you think a cruise would be helpful for Adeline, I’m all in. It wasn’t long ago her health was fragile. She needs to be careful she doesn’t regress.”

  “My words to her. Exactly.”

  “Well, my back is better every day. The ice blankets—as silly and absurd as it sounds—have really helped me.”

  “I did a little research on ice therapy, too. According to what I read, it helps because it brings down the swelling and allows for your body to heal itself. The body is an amazing thing. It’ll do wonders if you hang in there and let it.”

  “I’m very grateful for the nurse speaking up. I’ll have to remember to let her know how much it helped.”

  “Are you feeling up to getting out of the house?”

  “Actually, that might be good for me. What do you have in mind?”

  “I thought I’d have you girls over to my place for dinner tomorrow night. We haven’t done a nice casual meal for a bit.”

  “That would be lovely. What can I bring?”

  “Not a thing. I’m sure Adeline will insist on picking you up on her way over.”

  “I won’t even argue the point.”

  Anna stayed long enough for a round of Funny Rummy.

  By the time she left, Carolyn was exhausted.

  It felt good.

  To be tired from exertion, not pain.

  The moment her head hit the pillow, Carolyn was lost in her memories again. She was beginning to wonder if it was penance.

  To relive her mistakes of the past was almost as difficult as going through them the first time.

  Coop had caught her crying. She might possibly have passed it off as her female problems, but she had vowed to herself to give her marriage the dignity of truth.

  “I’m so sorry, Coop.”

  He was kind. So gentle. “Are you alright?”

  As always, he put her well-being first. He always had.

  “I need to tell you something. Many things, really. I need you to listen. I need you to know.”

  Coop got very quiet.

  He girded himself.

  She could see it in every part of him. His muscles got tight. His eyes narrowed. His jaw was as firm as she had ever seen it.

  Still, he gently took her hand.

  And he waited.

  She started at the beginning.

  That terrible night at Seddon Station.

  When Emerson had arrived with another woman and shattered her very being.

  She continued.

  Every encounter.

  Every conversation.

  She told him everything.

  He was her husband, and he had a right to know.

  All of it.

  “Do you love him? Would you rather be with him?” Coop’s voice was quiet, yet it held every hurt the world had ever known.

  “No! Coop, he was the boy in a little girl’s fantasy. You are the man of a woman’s dreams. Please, please try to understand.”

  The smile grew slowly.

  Coop kissed her hand. “I love you.”

  And that was the end of it.

  For Coop and Carolyn, at least.

  Zelma called again. When that didn’t work, she stopped by the house. She even cornered Carolyn at church one Sunday when Coop was no more than twenty feet away.

  “I’m not going with you to Lantana or anywhere else, Zelma. You have to stop this.”

  “You don’t need to go there. He’s home. Please, just stop by the house.”

  “I will not. It’s undignified. For him. For me. For his wife. I will not be put in that situation, and I surely will not put my husband in such a position either.”

  “Your husband doesn’t need to know.”

  “I would not lie to my husband about such a thing. Please, Zelma, stop this.” Her self-righteous indignation faded quickly as she thought of all the times she had done just that. Lied to the people she loved most just for a moment with Emerson.

  “You never knew, because once you saw what you saw at the station, you walked away, but my brother is a hero. A military hero.”

  “What are you talking about? He was a clerk. He was little more than a secretary for a general. I do not wish to be unkind, Zelma, but these histrionics have got to stop.”

  “That’s what he told us at the time. It was to protect us. He was much more than a secretary. It’s come back to haunt him, Carolyn. It’s destroying him. His only request is that he see you again. Can’t you do that for him? For a hero?”

  “It won’t do any good, Zelma. There’s nothing I can do for him. Don’t you see? If he’s as dependent on me as you think, isn’t it beyond cruel to give him any false hope? I’m married. He’s married. Please, let his wife and the doctors deal with this.”

  “His wife has left him, Carolyn.”

  “I’m sorry to hear that.”

  “I doubt you are.” Zelma’s voice was ice-cold. She took a calming breath and tried again. “She has taken her children and left. Emerson is living with my mother. When he’s not raging, he’s drinking. He only has one desire, and that desire is to see you. Please come and see him. Tell him in person he must move on. He thinks he has a chance, and that’s what keeps him on this destructive path. Please. Don’t you owe him at least that?”

  “I owe him nothing.”

  Zelma ignored Carolyn’s obvious frustration and wish to be free from the past. She was a woman on a mission, and her only concern was to get Carolyn to her mother’s house to uplift her brother. “He has a man helping him. He’s a doctor with military experience. This man says the military has a very stoic outlook. They believe Emerson must accept the past and move forward with good humor. Good humor? How do they expect any man to be able to do that? He carries with him dark secrets. Things he can’t tell anyone. It haunts his days, his nights. He doesn’t eat. He doesn’t sleep. His only comfort is the thought of seeing you again. Please. He doesn’t expect a great romance, Carolyn. Just a conversation. Can’t you do that? Just meet with him and his doctor. That’s all we’re asking.”

  “I’ll talk to Coop and see what he says.”

  “Your husband?”

  “Without his blessing, I’ll have no part of it.”

  Carolyn wasn’t sure when she had drifted off, but her night of sleep was less than restful and far too short. What she noticed most when she went to the bat
hroom was that her back was pain-free.

  Somewhere during a fitful night of tossing, turning, and revisited gratitude for a husband like Coop, her back had released. That’s the way she thought of it. Perhaps the residual pain was due to stress and not any physical injury. She’d seemed to cling to the spasms longer than she or the doctors had anticipated.

  She had a bit of a bounce in her step this morning. Did a bit of cleaning around the house, careful not to bend too far or too often, and not to lift anything heavier than half a gallon of milk.

  It was with renewed hope that she answered A.J.’s call.

  His sadness enveloped him. He and Cara had lost a baby they hadn’t even known would be a new addition to the family. Cara had been so absent since her mother’s death. She had lost so much weight. It had never occurred to her she was carrying a child. The guilt was eating at both of them.

  Carolyn tried to reassure A.J. These things happen for a reason had been the response in her day, but such words seemed beyond cruel now.

  She told A.J.—quite honestly—there was nothing in life worse than the loss of a child. Her personal belief included those not yet born.

  When she had done all she could for her grandson, she felt the weight of his sorrow starting to push down on her.

  She knew from experience it was best to take action when sadness began to take a grip on your heart.

  She called Anna. Broke the sad news to her and shared with her the feelings of loss she experienced. Anna had lost more than one child when she and her husband were trying to build their family. She had told the girls about it back when they first started to get to know one another. Carolyn had lost the wish of a baby and that had been hard enough. It hadn’t turned out that she was pregnant, but she had believed it to her soul for several weeks, and the reality of not expecting had taken a very heavy toll.

  She stayed focused on the present. Another great-grandchild. A baby for her A.J. She felt robbed. She was devastated. Not only for the kids, but for herself. How selfish.