No Kitten Around

by RJ Blain

“You. Are. The. Worst.”

  “But I’m the worst who arranged for training with an elf so you can use a Japanese death scythe, Kennedy. Focus on what’s important here. A Japanese death scythe.”

  “Why the hell aren’t you running away screaming?” Kennedy wailed. “The first time I met her, I made it three miles before she took me out. She needs to go play football instead of torturing me.”

  “The football players just run away. We’ve discussed this before. Also, he’s not running because he’s negligibly human. I took the liberty of pulling your file, Mr. Matthews. And yes, I have special clearance to access the CDC’s files, and I abuse it at my leisure. I take training seriously. Knowing about you is critical for me to train you properly. I needed to see what I had to work with. Kennedy, he’s utterly incapable of being frightened of me. When I found out he had attachments to you, little missy, I couldn’t reject Hamhock’s invitation to train you. I’m being paid good money to be entertained. Of course, when I was originally contacted, it was only to work with Mr. Matthews, but I’d heard you were in the area, and as there are interesting notes about you two in his file, I was hoping it would be you accompanying him. I love when I’m not disappointed.”

  “You are a thief of joy,” Kennedy muttered.

  Her complaint only pleased the elf. Facing me, Samantha said, “Hamhock tells me you want her using a naginata. Why?”

  “Hamhock could’ve taken my head off with that thing without putting in any effort. Even with a sword, I wouldn’t have been able to get to her before I’d lost my head. I’ve been told guns won’t work for me, so that caught my attention. If Kennedy’s getting a sharp, pointy object to protect herself with, I want her able to decapitate people before they have a chance to hit her.”

  I astonished myself with my blunt brutality in what I wanted in the weapon, and I sucked in a breath, my eyes widening.

  Even Kitten, Destroyer of Worlds seemed taken aback by my declaration.

  “I think you vastly overestimate my ability to decapitate anyone, Reed. The sentiment is appreciated, though. I’m usually armed. With a gun. That has better range than a Japanese death scythe. If me swinging around a Japanese death scythe makes you feel better, I’ll do it. You’re also going to pay for this for eternity, Reed. E-ter-ni-ty.”

  I gulped. On one hand, an eternity of suffering at Kennedy’s hands meant trouble. On the other, she’d have to stick around for an eternity to make it happened. It reminded me of her quest to relieve me of my towels. When I won, I lost, and when I lost, I won, so I’d be focus on the benefits of her wrath, which kept her around for an eternity.

  “I wouldn’t sound so confident in your inability to decapitate someone with a naginata, Kennedy. The weapon is a good choice for that purpose. It’s a woman’s weapon, one meant for spiritual growth and prowess in battle. I’m sure his decision-making process didn’t factor the spiritual elements of the naginata, but that’s a forgivable crime. I will teach you both the naginata and the katana, albeit your focus will be on the naginata. The katana will be your weapon of choice in close quarters. I considered a shorter blade, but it would leave you defenseless in the longer ranges. I don’t have time to teach you a third weapon.”

  “Two?” Kennedy wailed. “That’s not fair. Why do I get two and he only gets one?”

  “Simple. You will be competent. He will be a master. A master marries only one blade. You will be a versatile guard for his back capable of filling many shoes. You’re a jack to his king.”

  “Thief. Of. Joy.”

  “Before I begin training you on weapons, you need to be physically conditioned for the work. Tonight, I will be generous. I have acquired videos for you to watch that will show you elves in battle. This is what you will learn. After you watch, you will enjoy your rest. Tomorrow, you will begin your training. I expect nothing but the best from both of you, and I will beat the conditioning into you if I must. I have prepared a list of exercises you will do every day to limber your bodies and prepare for your real schooling, which will begin in two weeks. If you do as you’re told, in two weeks, you will be sore but limber. You’ll also be fit enough to keep up with my teaching. But make no mistake. You will hurt. You will hurt so much you will wish you had the skill needed to kill me. You won’t. I’m an elf.” Samantha smiled. “You are not. Any questions?”

  I raised my hand.

  “Yes, Mr. Matthews?”

  “Does death by elf count as an Act of God for insurance purposes? If I die from this, I’d like my burial expenses to be covered.”

  The elf tossed back her head and laughed. “Why are you worried about burial expenses? If I kill you, Mr. Matthews, there won’t be enough left of you to bury.”

  Chapter Twenty-One

  The meeting with Samantha took less than an hour, and she introduced us to the wooden weapons we’d be training with in two weeks. To make sure we remembered what was in store for us, we were told to take the practice weapons home and get used to their presence along with a warning to not play with them.

  She even gave us a memory stick with a video we were ordered to watch immediately if not sooner. I wondered at that, but I figured Samantha didn’t want to have to correct any bad habits we might pick up trying to figure out how to play with them on our own.

  Once we escaped, I got into Kennedy’s rental and waited for her to explode.

  “You’re something else, Reed Hampton Matthews.”

  “In my defense, while I knew she was an elf, I had no idea you knew her. All I knew is that she’s the best sword instructor money can buy.”

  “Well, you’re going to get your money’s worth. How the hell did you make arrangements for her to teach us? She’s almost impossible to hire. I only got a round with her because of some damned, prissy angel incapable of minding his own business.”

  “Essentially, that’s how I got her. An angel interfered.”

  “I fucking hate angels. Present company excluded. The other elements of your genetics make up for the angelic contamination.”

  I chuckled, checked on the animals locked in their carriers, and buckled in, earning the silent loathing of my cat. “Sorry, Kitten. It’s not safe for me to put you on my lap, and it’s not fair to poor Puppy to have to be locked in his carrier when you’re free. Tell him to get bigger quicker so you two can ride leashed in the back together.”

  “You’re something else.”

  “I had no idea you had a history with an elf!”

  “She’s an elf, Reed. Don’t you know elves will eat people who piss them off?”

  “Don’t piss her off, then.”

  “It’s literally impossible to breathe the same air as elves without pissing them off. They hate humans.”

  “If she hated humans that much, wouldn’t you have already been eaten?”

  “I think the government paid her not to eat me.” Kennedy gripped the steering wheel until her knuckles turned white, and I wondered how long it would take her to buckle in and start the car. “She was totally thinking about it. How the hell are you able to stand around with absolutely no care you might be eaten. I ran. For three fucking miles. That bitch chased me for three fucking miles!”

  I frowned, watching Kennedy out of the corner of my eye. “Deep breaths and count them. You’re going to work yourself right into a panic attack. She’s not going to eat you. She’s being paid a ridiculous amount of money by an angel to teach me how to use a sword. I’ll pay her extra not to eat you. I’m okay with that. I’ll leave you in the car until I’ve negotiated her ‘don’t eat Kennedy’ fee.”

  “How can you be so damned relaxed about this?”

  “I’m going to go with temporary insanity, foolish bravery, and general stupidity. Smart people are terrified of being killed and eaten by an elf. You know, if they’ve done any research on them. At all.”

  “Have you?”

  “Enough to know if I were wise, I’d be scared, too. Honestly, I just want to live through whatever an angel and a devil might
possibly want with me, and if that means being taught by an elf, well, if she kills and eats me, I’m just killed faster. I’m pretty sure people get killed when angels and devils get into arguments on mortal soil. With me in the middle. That’s what’s happened here. There’s an angel, there’s a devil, and I’m stuck in the middle. I basically need to hire the elf to keep me alive. But she might kill and eat me.” I slumped in my seat. “When I put it that way, I sound like a lunatic.”

  “A desperate lunatic.”

  “A desperate lunatic who gets to go to a nice apartment with a pretty woman for the night?”

  “Why is that a question?”

  “I have to survive your wrath over a close encounter of the elf kind first.”

  “I can’t believe your self-defense instructor is her. That’s just wrong.” Kennedy sighed, buckled in, and beat the steering wheel for a while before starting the engine. “She means every word, for the record. She will hang us both out to dry if we don’t do every last thing on her list. Worse, it’s a trap. If we just do every last thing on her list, she’ll be disappointed. Do. Not. Disappoint. Her.”

  “I take it you have disappointed her.”

  “She added two extra miles to my daily runs every time I disappointed her. And she doesn’t understand the concept of resetting the disappointment clock. She’ll run us both to death.”

  “Why do I have the feeling you’re a very good runner now?”

  “Because I didn’t want to get eaten by an elf.”

  “At the rate you’re going, you’re going to need a therapy animal to help you cope even more than I do. Honestly, I’m expecting to have Kitten’s therapy paperwork revoked with how much I’ve been progressing.”

  “They won’t revoke a therapy animal without at least a year between panic attacks or other symptoms of trauma. You’re safe for at least a year. And honestly, the goal is to get you to the point you don’t need her around to keep you from having a panic attack. And anyway, she’s worked miracles for you.”

  Kitten, Destroyer of Worlds had done a lot to help vanquish one of my beasts, but I recognized the truth despite Kennedy doing her best to hide it behind several pounds of tabby cat. My kitten had planted a few important seeds. Kennedy held responsibility for the rest of my improvement.

  I could live with that.

  “You played your part.”

  “Damn it, Reed. If I had done a lot of things differently, you wouldn’t have needed a therapy cat in the first place.”

  “Is this the phase in our relationship where we play the blame game to see who holds the most responsibility before we go to that apartment you got and continue the argument in bed? We could skip the whole first part of that and just go straight to bed.”

  “We can’t go to bed until we watch this video or the elf will kill and eat us.”

  “Every scenario ends with being eaten by an elf, doesn’t it?”

  “Until we’re done this? Yes. We’re going to get eaten by an elf.”

  “I’d say I’d protect you, but honestly, you’re better equipped with the advantage of being able to use a gun. I’d just stand there and look helpless. Currently, aren’t you supposed to be protecting me from the elf?”

  “You want to protect yourself from the elf? Run really fast.”

  “But she doesn’t like when people run from her. As such, isn’t it safer to not run?”

  “She doesn’t like having to exercise to catch lunch.”

  “Well, think about it this way. If you survive the elf, you should be able to survive just about anything, right?”

  Kennedy glared at me, snorted, and didn’t say a word. I twisted in my seat and regarded Puppy, Savior of Worlds with a resigned sigh. “Looks like it’s you and me in the dog house tonight, pup.”

  “You only have yourself to blame. I mean, really, Reed. An elf?”

  As I was already in trouble anyway, I asked, “Do all elves scare you or just Samantha?”

  “Have I told you lately you can be an asshole, Reed?”

  She hadn’t, and I discovered I’d missed it. “Obviously, I haven’t been working hard enough to earn such a reward.”

  “You’re something else. Fine. I don’t know if all elves scare me, but Sammy sure as hell does.”

  “I’m sure we’ll be fine, Kennedy. How bad can she be? You survived her once. You can survive her again.”

  “You’ll see,” she promised. “You’ll see.”

  The instant we arrived at the apartment, Kennedy dug out her laptop and set up the video we’d been ordered to watch. I released Kitten, Destroyer of Worlds, and she pounced my leg, batting at my slacks in a bid for attention. She went on my shoulder while I released the miniature hound of war from his carrier, scooped him up, and returned him to his bed. “Does Puppy need to be fed yet?”

  “In an hour,” Kennedy reported. “Come watch this so Sammy doesn’t make an excuse to have us for breakfast.”

  Chuckling, I joined her on the couch, giving my kitten a few strokes before setting her on my lap. With a disgruntled flick of her tail, she abandoned me to join her new brother in his bed. “I’m almost disappointed we didn’t get to experience World War Pet.”

  Kennedy glanced up from her work and smiled at the unlikely pair. “Maybe it’s because he’s so young? They’re really cute together.”

  “I’m not sorry I picked an elf to teach us, but I am sorry I didn’t warn you first.”

  “Your logic wasn’t wrong. If you had told me, I probably would’ve run. Had I run, Sammy would’ve enjoyed hunting me and dragging me back by my hair. That woman simply doesn’t know when to quit.”

  “Do you think an elf will be able to teach me how to defend myself against an angel and a devil?”

  “If she can’t, you’re hopeless. I’m pretty sure the elf could eat them for breakfast and be hungry before lunch.”

  “Did you really run from her the first time you met her?”

  “Like a bat out of hell. It’s a documented response. Most humans will bolt when an elf comes calling. No one really knows why. Survival instinct, probably. It’s more unusual you treated her like you would anyone else you’re meeting for the first time. Fuck. She’s probably disappointed she didn’t have to chase you. She loves a good hunt more than life itself. We’re so fucked.”

  “It’ll be all right, Kennedy. Think about it this way, you get to learn how to use a Japanese death scythe and a katana. I get to wield a fake Excalibur and pretend I’m a knight when I’m more like a duck.”

  “You’d make a decent knight.”

  I chuckled and relaxed, stretching out my legs while waiting for Kennedy to subject us to Samantha’s video. “I’m barely a page at this point.”

  “With Sammy teaching you, you’ll be ready to storm the castle in no time. She’ll beat competence into you.”

  Of that I had no doubt. “What do you think is on this video?”

  “I don’t know, which is almost as scary as going through another training course with that damned elf.”

  “Let’s get this over with, then.” I batted Kennedy’s hands away from her screen and hit the play button.

  The video began with warfare, the kind movies dramatized while dodging the horrors of the battlefield. I recognized some of the footage from World War I. The image of a massive flamethrower spouting a torrent of burning oil into enemy lines evoked a wince from both of us.

  “I think she’s going for the instill the horrors of combat route,” Kennedy muttered. “It’s working.”

  I agreed. Refusing to be unnerved by a video, I watched, crossing my arms over my chest and grunting.

  It didn’t take long for me to discover the World War I footage was a warm up for World War II, and the elf took her gloves off in her choice of clips to terrorize us with. Until I’d watched, I hadn’t known it was possible to vaporize someone’s head with a machine gun.

  “Don’t get in close range and eye level of a machine gun, Kennedy. It doesn’t end well.”


  “Good advice. I’ll make sure to follow it.”

  If Samantha’s goal was to showcase examples of mass human brutality, she succeeded with flying colors, progressing from war to war, conflict to conflict until we toured an entire world of violence. On more than one occasion, I winced at the savagery. Death came in many forms, and I suspected Samantha meant for us both to be intimately familiar with every way possible for a human to die in combat.

  After working her way through warfare, she’d decided we needed a taste of accidental death and dismemberment.

  After an hour and a half, I emerged feeling fragile and unfortunately mortal. Kennedy stared at me with wide eyes. “What the hell did we just watch?”

  “A lesson in mortality?”

  “A hundred and one ways a person can die,” she countered.

  “I’m pretty sure there were more than a hundred and one different types of death in there. Also, I think I’ve developed a permanent and lasting fear of steamrollers.”

  “Forget the steamroller. I’m never going near a window with an iron fence beneath it ever again.”

  “I’m not sure I want to get into a car again, either,” I confessed.

  “She seems to have an unhealthy interest in the numerous ways car accidents can kill somebody.”

  “Maybe she’s trying to convince you you have better odds of survival if you stick with the elf?”

  Kennedy wrinkled her nose, narrowed her eyes, and considered her laptop. “Or give us both a complex where everything, including her, is out to get us.”

  “I got attacked by an entire flock of dead pigeons today. I think I’m safer with the elf. Do you think a sword can stop a bullet?”

  “I really doubt it.”

  “Think I can get a bulletproof vest? I feel like I need a bulletproof vest.” I shook my head, laughed, and retrieved the manila envelope with our marching orders for the next two weeks. “Do you think she was maybe trying to convince us it could be worse when we look at what we’re supposed to do before our first actual lesson?”

  “Now that I can easily believe. All right. Hit me with it. What does Sammy want us to do before she decides we’re worth teaching?”