Xanth 30 - Stork Naked

by Piers Anthony

  "The fissure closed," Surprise said slowly. "How then do we go there, to rescue either the Simurgh or my baby?"

  "That is where it gets complicated. It seems that there is a way to travel between realities, but it has not been used before, because there is no control over which realities connect. Now we must use it. The storks have the secret; the Stork Works connect to all realities, so they can deliver anywhere. The problem will be locating the right reality."

  "Out of a small infinity," she said. "That sounds difficult."

  "Difficult and dangerous," he agreed. "We run the risk of getting lost ourselves, and being similarly trapped away from our own Xanth. We also run the risk of encountering something lethal. There is a smell of something ugly here, but we don't know what it is. That is why the Good Magician tried to discourage you. He knows you could lose much more than your baby."

  Surprise fastened on something else. "An alternate couple for my baby. I thought the storks were exceedingly choosy. Mine was; it balked on a mistake about my age. How could he just deliver my baby to just any other couple?"

  "He couldn't," Che agreed. "He would have to find the next closest couple, in a hurry, because storks have tight schedules. That must have been one beyond the fissure."

  "What, an ogre and unicorn?" she demanded bitterly.

  Che laughed, briefly. "By no means. It would have to be an alternate Surprise and Umlaut couple who lacked a baby."

  "Another us?" Somehow that aspect hadn't sunk in before.

  "Yes. The fissure must have made that possible just when the stork needed to place the baby, so he didn't need to return it to the Stork Works and trigger an investigation. A remarkable coincidence."

  "A remarkable foul-up!" she said. "He didn't even wait for me to get the record corrected." Then she realized there was something else. "When you say 'remarkable coincidence,' that's not exactly what you mean, is it?"

  "True. I tend to question remarkable coincidences."

  "Please, I'm not nearly as smart as you are. Tell me in plain language."

  He sighed. "I dislike being unkind. But the unusual nature of the coincidence, and the seriousness with which the Good Magician is taking it, suggests to me that this was not sheer chance. I suspect someone deliberately stole your baby. That is why it is apt to be difficult to recover it. You will not be able simply to clarify the error and get it back. You may encounter opposition. Someone might try to do you harm, rather than yield your baby."

  Surprise felt a chill. Indeed, Humfrey's attitude was making ugly sense. Steal a baby, and if the mother was bothersome, get rid of her. She might indeed lose more than her baby.

  Still, she persisted. "If my baby went to an alternate Surprise and Umaut, how could they hurt me? They would have to be like us, and we wouldn't hurt them."

  "And of course they wouldn't try to steal your baby," he agreed. "That is why I suspect some malign influence."

  "What could there be? We're just an ordinary couple. Who would care about us?"

  Che glanced sidelong at her. "You are hardly ordinary, Surprise. You were delivered five years late, with a truly remarkable talent barely shy of Sorceress caliber. Umlaut did not even exist; he was a temporary construct made to facilitate a Demon wager. You with remarkable bravery put your very soul on the line to enable him to become real. Now he has half your soul, on loan from the Demon Jupiter, and you have the other half, parked in you by the Demoness Fornax for convenience. Things were all up in a heaval before the Demons decided on that compromise."

  "Well, since then we've been pretty ordinary."

  "Still, this perhaps provides a clue. There are foreign Demons in your background. They are of course forbidden to interfere in the Demon Xanth's dominion, but since Demons have no souls of their own, they lack conscience and will cheat if they discover opportunity. They could legitimately take your two half-souls if they chose."

  "Actually, we have whole souls now," she said. "Souls regenerate in living creatures of human derivation."

  "True." He thought for most of a moment. "So if they took back their half-shares now, it would not really affect you and your husband. But suppose the Surprise and Umlaut in the other reality did not get those half-souls?"

  "Making them just like us, except for no consciences or decency," she said.

  "They might not have cared to go to the trouble of signaling the stork themselves, but found it easier to steal your baby."

  Surprise stared at him. "A couple—just like us—but completely unscrupulous."

  "Who fooled the stork into delivering to them."

  Surprise was appalled. "I find that hard to believe." But it was getting easier the more she considered it.

  "Of course this is far-fetched," Che said. "It would be an amazingly complicated way to get a baby, when I understand most couples don't really mind signaling the stork. So probably that isn't the explanation."

  "Probably not," she agreed. But the chill was taking root in her bones. Magician Humfrey had urged her not to undertake this quest; his reasons might be starting to show. "But about these many realities—are there Demons associated with each too, as with ours?"

  "My understanding is that Demons are infinite too, so that there is a thin slice of each in each reality. Thus a Demon has only to focus on a particular slice to be there, when it chooses. But it is probably best not to invoke any Demons if we can avoid it."

  "I agree," Surprise said, shuddering. The Demons had virtually infinite powers, and considered the residents of Xanth as little better than inconsequential bugs, as a general rule. The Demon Xanth had married one such bug, as it were, but that was probably more like a game for him.

  "We are approaching the Stork Works," Che said. "This is strictly off-limits territory; only the fact that the Good Magician arranged for passes for us makes it possible for us to visit. They surely won't let us know any of their secrets. Fortunately we don't need their secrets; we simply need the stork who misdelivered your baby."

  Surprise gazed down at the complex. It looked like a giant clump of mushrooms with tops of many pastel colors. As they drew closer she realized that each mushroom was the size of a house. In fact they were buildings, with storks flying busily between them. There were no sharp edges or corners; everything was rounded and looked soft enough not to hurt a baby. The largest was in the center, with a line of storks entering one side and emerging the other side, carrying bundles. That had to be where the babies originated.

  They came to a landing at an outbuilding labeled information office. A stork with an officious hat emerged immediately to challenge them. "I am Stifle Stork, Officer of the Day. What are you doing here? No visitors are allowed. Especially not children. Go away."

  Ted, Monica, Woe, and the peeve opened their mouths. "Silence!" Surprise snapped warningly before they could get them all kicked out. She retained her centaur form because once she reverted to her human form, she would not be able to make that particular transformation again. She would have to become something else that was capable of carrying the children. It was better this way.

  Che showed their passes. The stork eyed them. "Well, it seems you are entitled to information, but you can't go beyond this spot," he said grudgingly. "What do you want here, before you go away? Remember, we will not vouchsafe the secret of the origin of our babies."

  "We need to talk with the stork who didn't deliver Surprise Golem's baby," Che said.

  "That is hard to believe. We always deliver."

  "He balked on a technicality," Surprise said angrily.

  The stork produced a tablet with a long list. "Name?"

  "Stymy Stork," Surprise said.

  The stork sighed. "Naturally it would be him."

  "He makes a habit of not delivering babies?" she asked sharply.

  "A habit of fouling up. He is on probation. I wish he would go away too."

  "So he said. He refused to deliver my baby because he thought I was too young. He followed a stupid rule."

  The stork ey
ed her. "You look like a mature filly or young mare to me."

  "I am. But there is a confusion in the records."

  "And you are?"

  "Surprise Golem. I am presently in another form."

  The stork checked pages. "Surprise Golem," he read. "Age thirteen, according to date of delivery."

  "That's the error. I was delivered five years late. I am eighteen."

  "Five years late? That is highly irregular. This will have to be reviewed by headquarters. Supervisor Stork will decide. Then you can go away."

  "Meanwhile please bring Stymy Stork to us," Che said.

  The stork nodded. "That I can do." He flipped more pages, found the name, and tapped on it with a feather. A small pattern of dots flew out and disappeared. "There will be a brief delay. In the interim I must identify the other members of your party for our records."

  "I am Che Centaur," Che said.

  "Of course; you are generally known. But who are the children? Kindly name them with their ages for ready verification." He had his list poised.

  Surprise established an adult Glare to keep the children from making smart-bottom remarks as she identified them. "Demon Ted, age ten." She paused as the stork checked the list, which was evidently comprehensive. "DeMonica, age ten." Pause. "Woe Betide, age five."

  Stifle's feathers stiffened. "Who?"

  "Woe Betide. She is—"

  "We have no record of ever delivering that child."

  "That's because I was never delivered, your Storkship," Woe piped up. "I am the child aspect of the demoness Metria."

  "The perpetual word-tangling mischief maker! We don't want your kind here."

  "She is locked into the child mode," Che said quickly. "Woe Betide is sweet and innocent."

  "I find that hard to believe."

  "So do we," Che said with a smile. "But it seems to be so."

  "Very well, I suppose. I will make a special note." Then the stork did a double take. "Demon Ted: there is an asterisk by that name."

  "What did you call me, feather-head?" Ted demanded.

  "Asterisk is not a bad word," Che said. "It simply means there is an additional note about you."

  "And what a note," Stifle said. "You are notorious. In one of the alternate realms you discovered a stork resting after a delivery and slipped a sliver of reverse wood in among its feathers. Thereafter that stork delivered several babies to the wrong parents. It became a huge mess. When we tried to correct it, some parents were attached to their wrong babies and refused to give them up. Finally the demon Xanth had to intervene, and the Stork Works got a black mark." He paused, for Ted and Monica were rolling on the floor laughing.

  "But that wasn't in this reality," Surprise said quickly. "He wouldn't do that here."

  "Sure I would," Ted said gleefully. "What a great joke."

  "He didn't do that here," Surprise said, wasting another glare on the unpenitent boy. "It was surely a fluke."

  "Hardly that," Stifle said grimly. "In another alternate he participated in a hostile takeover of the Stork Works. That truly smells."

  "But not this reality," Surprise repeated.

  "Perhaps true," Stifle agreed dubiously. "But he is banned from those realities where he committed those crimes."

  "Aw, who cares?" Ted asked.

  "We do," Che said severely. "If the reality we need turns out to be one of the banned ones."

  "Hey, you forgot me," the peeve said.

  "A talking bird!" the stork said, startled.

  "You talk, baby-brain!"

  "We don't deliver birds, so you are not listed."

  "Then how do you get baby storks, pinhead?"

  "We summon the Man who brings the incipient egg, of course."

  Then another stork flew to the office. This was Stymy; Surprise recognized him by the marks of the spectacles he wore when reading. "You summoned me?"

  "Talk with these folk," the office stork said. "So they will go away."

  "Where did you take my baby?" Surprise demanded.

  Stymy blinked. "I don't deliver centaurs."

  "I am Surprise Golem, transformed for now to centaur form. It's my talent. The supervisor will review my case and verify that I am really eighteen years old. Meanwhile, we have to recover my baby. Where did you take it?"

  "I'm not sure I am allowed to divulge such information."

  Surprise glanced at the office stork. "Tell him to cooperate with us."

  A fluorescent bulb flashed over the office stork's head, the kind that denoted a quirky but effective notion. "I will do better than that. I will assign him to your mission so you will all go away."

  "All we need is the information," Che said.

  "I can't tell you," Stymy said. "I will have to show you."

  "Why can't you tell me?"

  "Because the fissure closed up and there is no longer a direct route there. But I will know it when I see it."

  "Good enough," Stifle Stork said. "Go away with them. Don't come back until they are satisfied, if then."

  "But it's in another reality."

  "They will doubtless get there," Stifle said. "Stay with them until they are satisfied."

  "I'm not sure about this," Surprise said. "How can we go there if the fissure closed?"

  "The storks have access to all realities," Che said. "I believe it is a particular spell they do not share with others. They even have access to parts of Mundania, to deliver to conservative families."

  "Then why hasn't the Simurgh gone to the Stork Works in that reality to return herself?"

  "That remains a mystery I mean to solve." Che looked around. "But first we need to obtain the Mask."

  "Mask?"

  "The Reality Mask. It sifts and sorts realities according to parameters we can select, so that we can reduce the number of Xanths to check. With Stymy Stork along, we should be able to zero in on the right one fairly efficiently, then go to where he delivered your baby." He paused. "However, it may not be easy to obtain the Mask."

  "Nothing is ever easy," Surprise muttered. "Let's get on it. Where is the Mask?"

  "A fiery nymph has charge of it, on Lion Mountain. It is a fair flight there from here."

  "Then by all means get started." She looked at Stymy. "Follow us, wherever we may go."

  Stymy nodded glumly.

  The children mounted the centaurs, who spread their wings and took off. The peeve and Stymy followed.

  As they achieved cruising altitude, Surprise tried to befriend the stork flying beside her, knowing that they would be dependent on him to locate her baby. "I realize that you were just doing your job as you saw it," she said carefully. "I can see that the Stork Authority is very strict. Do you care to tell us how you got put on probation?"

  "It's no secret," Stymy said glumly. "I am cursed by bad luck, whether I'm working the Gold Coast, the Silver Coast, the Copper Coast, or the extinct Ivory Coast. I do the best I can, but things go wrong."

  "I know the feeling," Surprise said sympathetically. She really did feel it, now that she was coming to know the stork. He had evidently been around, but was obviously very low in the stork hierarchy.

  "First I flew through an invisible forget whorl that wasn't on the chart. I suffered only a glancing blow, but it was enough to lose the baby's name. I delivered the little girl safely, but she never knew her name until she grew up and quested for it. I got a reprimand for that, but I don't see how anyone could have known that whorl was there."

  "Forget whorls are always mischief," Che said, flying close enough to join the dialogue.

  "And there was the time a boy kissed a girl so ardently it half-summoned the stork. I got struck by the signal, and almost put in the order before realizing that it was incomplete. That was a close call."

  "Just how are stork signals handled?" Che asked. He glanced back at the children, who were listening intently. "I don't mean how the signals are made, but once they are on their way. There must be a great deal of information encoded in those three dots of the ellipsis."<
br />
  "There is," Stymy agreed. "One dot identifies the parents, their species, ages, state of marriage, and such; you'd be surprised how some try to send illicit signals when they don't qualify."

  "Not necessarily," Surprise said grimly. "Remember, I was balked on an age error."

  "Yes. Some thirteen-year-old girls—well, never mind. The second dot describes the baby in general terms: species, gender, appearance, potential, preference. The third dot powers the connection, locating the nearest stork and identifying the spot where the signal was made, which serves as a reference for delivery. It is all very efficient."

  "Efficient?" Surprise repeated. "A nine-month delay is efficient?"

  "It takes forever to catch up on the paperwork. Even so, there can be problems. Once the address dot was incomplete and I had to leave the baby in the flowers."

  "You left a baby by itself?" Surprise asked, shocked.

  "I had no choice. The parents met at a love spring, had a brief but intense session, then separated and never returned. Nine months later I brought little Azalea to the designated coordinates, but had no information where either parent had gone. I couldn't take her back to the Stork Works; they have a no-return policy. There was nothing to do but leave her in the flowers and hope for the best. As it turned out, local flower fairies discovered her and raised her. She had a talent of conversing with flowers. That was fifteen years ago; as far as I know, she's fine. I check on her every so often, just to be sure."

  "I should hope so," Surprise said severely. "I thought it was bad when I was delivered five years late, but to leave a baby like that—" She broke off, lest she say something unkind. She was not an unkind person.

  "Then I ran afoul of the stork-eating monster," Stymy continued. "I had to make a wide detour around it, and that made me late delivering. In fact there was a backlog, and another black mark."