Xanth 30 - Stork Naked

by Piers Anthony

  But Ted, Monica, and Woe Betide didn't know of the ill nature of Surprise Seven. They might think this reality was more similar to their own than it was. They could run gladly up to the Gap Dragon to play—

  She shuddered. She needed to check more swiftly. She doused the X-ray vision and made herself float, using a variant spell she hadn't used before. She floated rapidly over and along the widening crack. Her best bet might be to locate the Gap Dragon and ascertain first whether the children were near him, and second whether he was dangerous to them. If neither was the case, she could move back and search the Gap offshoot crevices more carefully.

  The crevice widened into a canyon. Now the bottom was visible, a thin line way down. She cruised along and the walls retreated on either side. Then the canyon debouched into the main valley that was the Gap Chasm.

  Now the walls were far apart. There were trees here, and rivulets, and grazing animals. It was a peaceful scene, part of a land isolated by the fantastically high cliffs that bounded it. There was only one predator here: the Gap Dragon. If it appeared, the grazers would take evasive action, though there was nowhere they could really escape. They might even be resigned, and simply let the dragon take whichever ones he selected.

  That was not her concern. Her business here was only the children. If she could be sure they were not here, she would depart. She wished she could orient on their identities, but in this different reality she lacked a way to fix on them. She needed to tune in, in their presence.

  She saw a puff of steam ahead. That should be the dread Gap Dragon, a terror to all except his friends. She floated toward the steam.

  She was correct: there was the Gap Dragon, a low-slung serpentine six-legged monster with a big toothy head and small wings. He had to have been descended from a variety of flying dragon, but he couldn't fly. Instead he whomped, making vertical wriggles, one set of feet lifting and landing at a time. He was a steamer, considered by some to be a lesser threat than a fire-breather that could roast an animal where it stood, or a smoker that could stifle it in a roiling cloud. But steam, when used well, was just about as dangerous. Steamers had been known to stifle the other kinds, dousing their fires and dissipating their smoke.

  She floated before him. "Stanley Steamer," she said. "I am Surprise Golem. I know you; do you know me?"

  The dragon shot a fierce column of steam directly at her. She barely had time to conjure a protective shield. The steam bounced off it and formed a frustrated cloud.

  But when she conjured the shield, she stopped floating. She could exercise only one talent at a time. She landed on her feet with a jolt.

  The dragon whomped forward, ramming into the shield. Surprise had to levitate hastily to avoid getting flattened by the falling barrier. Which of course faded out.

  The dragon aimed his snoot upwards and fired another fierce jet of steam that would have cooked her in place had it scored. She summoned a gust of wind that blew it away—and dropped to the ground, her levitation gone.

  The dragon pounced on her. She became a tar baby that caught and held the crunching teeth. "Stop this attack, Stanley," she said. "I'm trying to talk to you. I know you can understand me."

  The dragon blew out a waft of steam that melted the tar baby, freeing his teeth. She countered by becoming a fire woman, not solid like Pyra, but made entirely of fire, her flames unaffected by the teeth. "I don't want to hurt you, I just want to talk to you."

  The dragon snapped repeatedly at the flames, getting nowhere. Then he got smart and inhaled, sucking the flame woman into himself.

  Surprise became an iron-spine cactus, impossible to swallow. "I'm warning you: desist."

  Stanley steamed the cactus, melting the spines. Surprise converted to a diamond girl, her sparkling flesh invulnerable to both steam and teeth. "You crazy beast, quit!"

  The dragon picked up a stone in his mouth and made ready to smash the diamond body to diamond dust.

  That did it. Surprise became a device, a form of demon adept at crushing things: Demon Vise. She caught the dragon's head in her square jaws and squeezed, slowly. He struggled, whomping his green body around, but was unable to break the powerful grip. "Give up?" she asked grimly.

  Instead, Stanley blew out so much steam that the ground below the vise melted and caused it to sink. Rather than get mired in forming lava, Surprise changed form again, releasing the head. This time she became a small cloud of smoke, demon-fashion, while she considered her next approach.

  "Okay, no more Miss Nice Girl," she said. "I'm going to make you pay attention."

  Stanley charged the cloud, revving up a new head of steam. Surprise transformed into a female gap dragon, with six legs and long eyelashes. "What are you up to, steam-for-brains?" she inquired in steam pulses.

  This did get his attention. "Who are you?" he demanded in the same language.

  "I am Surprise Golem, as I said. You don't remember me?"

  "If I had encountered you before, I would have steamed and eaten you. You're a shape-changer?"

  "Not exactly. My magic is to have any talent once. When I studied the matter, I discovered that I actually borrow each talent from someone else, but thereafter that person resists losing the talent again, so I can't take it twice. Eventually I might be able to, but it doesn't matter, because there are so many talents that I can simply take a similar one next time. Did you notice that I never repeated?"

  "No. What I noticed was that you didn't know my name."

  "It's not Stanley?"

  "It is Stefan Steamer. So I knew you were an impostor."

  Surprise took stock. No wonder the dragon had been determined to steam her! "I apologize. In my reality you are Stanley."

  "Your what?"

  "I come from a different reality. It's hard to explain. Things are like this, only not quite. Like your name being different. Like myself being different. The Surprise Golem of this reality is a soulless creature who doesn't care whom she hurts."

  "What do you want with me? I doubt it was to smooch."

  "I am looking for three lost children. I need to know if you have seen them. I hope you didn't eat them."

  "If I had seen them I would have eaten them," Stefan agreed. "But I didn't. Are they bouncy delectable sweet-tasting children?"

  "No, they're part demons."

  Stefan blew out a discolored wad of steam. "Yuck!"

  So demons didn't taste good. "That's all I needed to know," she said. "I must find those children."

  "Hold up two moments, Golem. You're really from a different reality?"

  "Yes, where you are named Stanley and are friends with Princess Ivy."

  "Ivy?"

  "Evidently not the case here. She has three daughters, triplets, who like to play with you."

  "They wouldn't last longer than the time to steam them."

  "They are Sorceresses."

  He considered. "That would make a difference. Queen Ivy does not have triplets here. I would know."

  "Queen Ivy?"

  "Queen of the Naga folk, because her husband Naldo Naga is their king. He and I get along. Therefore I tolerate Ivy; Naldo would be annoyed if I steamed her."

  "Then who governs the human folk of Xanth?"

  "King Dolph, of course. And his wife Nada Naga. I get along with her too."

  Surprise realized that this was another marital realignment. In her reality, Dolph had loved Nada but married Electra, and they now had twin daughters. So what had happened to Electra, here? She decided not to inquire. "In this reality I am married to a different person than I am in my own. I can't say I like the person I am here."

  "As it happens, I do know of that Surprise. I understand she's talentless."

  That might explain why Surprise Seven was so ready to make an ugly deal with the Sorceress, and even signal the stork with a man she detested. Surprise's talent was attached to her soul. When the Demons took her soul, that deprived her of it. Fortunately in her own reality they had returned her soul, or enough of it so that her body
regenerated the rest. "That should establish my foreign nature."

  "Yes. I thought that the Sorceress was with you. But she couldn't do what you're doing now."

  "I certainly hope she couldn't. She has my baby. I must recover my baby girl."

  Stefan evidently made a decision. "I will summon Nada."

  "I'm not sure I want to meet her in this reality, unless she has information on the lost children."

  "She may. She can find out, if she chooses."

  There was something skew about this. "If she chooses?"

  "She has a problem. Maybe you can help her with it."

  "She would want to bargain?" Surprise asked distastefully. "Over the lives of children?"

  "Isn't that what you humans do? Make deals?"

  "Sometimes," she agreed grudgingly.

  The dragon lifted a foreleg. On it was a thin golden chain supporting a ring in the form of a snake biting its own tail. Stefan gently steamed the ring, and it seemed to wriggle. It was surely an amulet.

  There was a sound beyond the rim of the great canyon. A huge bird appeared, flying swiftly toward them. It was a roc.

  Surprise looked for cover. "Even you can't handle a roc," she warned the dragon. Rocs ate dragons, and anything else they chose.

  "That's King Dolph in bird form. He's carrying Nada."

  Now she saw that the monstrous bird carried a large snake in its talons. That would be Nada Naga in her serpent form. She could move rapidly in that form, but not nearly as swiftly as a roc bird could.

  The roc came in for a landing, shaking the ground. The snake dropped down just before that, slithering out of the way. It became a serpent with a human head: a naga. The naga slithered up to the dragon and they touched noses with no harsh steam issued.

  Then Nada Naga faced Surprise. "You are human?"

  Surprise changed back to her natural form. "I am Surprise Golem, daughter of Grundy Golem and Rapunzel Elf. I am from another reality."

  Nada became lushly human, in the form of the serpent woman Surprise knew in her own reality. She lacked clothing, but in a moment the roc became the man Dolph, who brought her a royal robe. She donned it, and then a small gold crown. "I am Queen Nada Naga, now Nada Human. What is your business here?"

  Surprise tried to condense it. "I have to recover my lost baby from my alternate self here. The Sorceress Morgan le Fey hid the children who accompanied me and wants to make me give up my baby to recover them. So now I need to find them."

  "Why not just let the Sorceress have your baby?"

  "I couldn't!" Surprise said in anguish.

  "Why not?"

  "She's my baby! I'm her mother. I can't give her up."

  "Then why not let the children go?"

  Did the queen truly not understand? "My conscience won't let me. One of them is your daughter, in my reality."

  Nada turned to the dragon. "Thank you, Stefan. You were right to summon me." She turned back to Surprise. "Come with us."

  "Will you help me search for the children?"

  "We may. First we must talk."

  "I have hardly two hours. I can't take time off."

  "You don't have a choice. Dolph will carry us back to Castle Rockbound."

  "I can't go there," Surprise said, appalled by the woman's indifference. "I realize that you don't have the same children here, but I can't leave them to whatever fate the Sorceress has in mind. I must do my utmost to rescue them."

  "Pick her up," Nada said to Dolph.

  The man became the roc. One giant claw reached to enclose Surprise.

  She changed to roc form herself. "No!" she squawked in bird talk.

  Nada nodded. "You do have a conscience."

  "Of course I have a conscience!" she snapped in squawk talk. "Don't you?"

  "Yes. But you are going to have to trust me. You must accompany us to the castle. We will help you if we can."

  That seemed to be the best she could hope for. Surprise returned to her natural form.

  The roc enclosed them both in the talons without squeezing; the foot formed a kind of barred cage. Then the big bird took off.

  "Here is the situation," Nada said as they traveled. "The Surprise of this reality is without soul or conscience. She can't be trusted. Any deal you may have with her is suspect. I had to be sure of your status."

  "Because I look just like her," Surprise said, realizing. "I am her—only with my soul."

  "And with your full talent, near Sorceress caliber. You could be dangerous."

  "I'm not trying to threaten you or anyone in this reality. I realize that things are not the same here, with different marriages and different kings and queens. I accept that. I just have to do what I came to do: save the children in my care, and recover my baby."

  "And if the Sorceress offers you all of that, if you help her overthrow the present king so she can be installed as the new ruler?"

  Surprise stared at her with horror. Could that be what Morgan le Fey had in mind? No wonder Nada was nervous!

  She tried to answer honestly: "I don't know. I don't want to have to choose between the children and the baby. I would hate even more to have to choose between all of them together and what I know is right."

  "It is fairly easy to choose between right and wrong, when you know which is which," Nada said. "It is harder to choose between wrong and wrong, or between mixed situations."

  "Yes!"

  The roc squawked. "Yes, dear," Nada called. "That's a good point; I'll tell her." She focused again on Surprise. "He reminds me that knowing which is which can be difficult, because what is right to one person may be wrong to another. So we wonder at times whether there is any such thing as inherent right and wrong."

  "Yes," Surprise agreed again. It was clear that the king and queen had really thought about this. "Just as there may be no such thing as a natural order of things in Xanth. I have seen several realities, and what one rejects, another accepts. Like the Adult Conspiracy."

  "The what?" Nada asked blankly.

  "Never mind; it would be complicated to explain, and maybe irrelevant. It is a particular convention in my reality that applies mainly to children."

  "At any rate," Nada continued, "Dolph and I have a problem, and you may be able to help us handle it. I realize that you don't want to take time off from your search for the children, or to make any unethical bargains, but perhaps you will consider this as a convenient package: we will put the resources of the kingdom into a swift search for the children, and hope that you will help us while we await the result. Both can be accomplished within the two-hour period you require. Does this seem fair?"

  "Yes," Surprise agreed, relieved.

  They arrived at Castle Rockbound, which seemed much the same as the one she knew at home, Castle Roogna. Dolph landed and reverted to human form, and they walked through the orchard.

  "We had better pick some fresh pies," Nada said. "So we won't have to delay for a separate meal."

  Surprise picked a sweetie pie and a milkweed pod; that was the extent of her appetite at the moment.

  The moat monster lifted its head, eying Surprise, plainly knowing who was new here. It was not one he recognized.

  "It's all right, Sourdough," Nada called. "This isn't who she looks like."

  The monster shook his head.

  Nada turned to Surprise. "He thinks you're soulless. Would you mind showing your talent briefly?"

  Surprise conjured a junior porcupine, which looked like a cross between a pig and a pine tree, except that it was covered with quilts.

  "What is that?" Nada asked, startled.

  "A real porcupine from Mundania is covered with sharp quills, which it slaps into the nose of whatever tries to bite it. This variety is child safe because the quilts are soft."

  "Quill to quilt," Nada agreed. "So small a shift." Then she faced the moat monster. "Could the soulless Surprise do that? The talent attaches to the soul."

  The monster agreed that Surprise was different. Meanwhile the porcupine wande
red toward the zombie graveyard. It would surely find a welcome there, as the zombies liked soft covers.

  "Dear, tell the staff to organize a search for three children," Nada told Dolph. "Use magic. We need them within two hours."

  Surprise gave the descriptions of the children, and the king departed on his errand. "He's such a dear," Nada remarked.

  "It's hard to believe he is the king of Xanth. He acts like your servant."

  "It's love. He's loved me since he was eight years old, and I have loved him since I was about twenty, when I took love elixir. He is really quite kingly when not with me. We also have a fine son, Donald."

  Surprise realized that the name derived from DOlph and NADA or her brother NALDo. "A son instead of two daughters."

  "He can change his own and others' forms, temporarily," Nada said proudly.

  Soon Dolph rejoined them and they went to a private chamber and closed the door. "No one will disturb us here," Nada said. "Now as we finish eating, Dolph and I will explain our situation." She went and kissed him. "Are you up to it, dear?"

  "Yes, if there's a chance of fixing it."

  Nada nodded. "You see, we have a spell we received as a wedding gift, that could really do us some good, but we lack the ability to invoke it completely. We think you may be able to do it for us."

  "I'm not sure I could do better than you could. Doesn't a spell work for whoever invokes it?"

  "To a degree. You see, this is a Guilt Trip."

  "A guilt trip? I don't understand."

  "The spell conjures a path you can take that leads to your greatest guilt. At the end is a stone you can tap to alleviate guilt. But a person can't alleviate her own guilt, only that of someone else. That's because the stone is a Punk Rock, with a very bad attitude. So Dolph and I have tried to take that trip together, and abate each other's guilt. But we have not been able to make it to the end. Our guilts cripple us, and we have to turn back. You, in contrast, seem to have little to feel guilty about; you should be able to reach the stone and ask it to ease our guilts."

  "But couldn't anyone here do that?"

  Dolph grimaced. "We prefer that others not know our guilt. You are from elsewhere, where things are different; you won't be spreading it about as gossip."