Xanth 30 - Stork Naked

by Piers Anthony

  Again, Surprise withheld her reaction. These two people, so completely in love, expected to break up their marriage retroactively, so that it never happened, so they could do right by the two who had loved them and died. Yet they also expected to have a kind of continuing romantic association that would be illicit in Surprise's reality but was reasonable in this one. She was beginning to get her scruples realigned, recognizing that she could not judge the folk of this reality by the standards of hers. What they were doing seemed to make sense for them.

  All she said was "What now?"

  "Now we go back," Nada said. "Thank you so much for your help."

  "We couldn't have done it without you," Dolph said.

  Surprise turned to the brooding stone. "Thank you, Punk Rock."

  There was a flare of discordant melody. The Rock was not pleased to have served.

  They walked back along the path. There was no resistance. Dolph and Nada held hands and paused frequently to kiss. They seemed sorry about having to part, yet also glad to be doing it. Surprise suspected she would never completely understand.

  They reached the covered panel. Dolph lifted up the curtain, revealing the exit to the castle, and they stepped through. Nothing seemed to have changed. The portal faded out behind them; this guilt trip was done.

  "Oh, Dolph, we've done it!" Nada said.

  "No one else will remember except Surprise," he said.

  "I won't tell," Surprise said, realizing this was expected.

  Dolph and Nada embraced and kissed once more, lingeringly. "Until the tryst," Nada murmured fondly.

  "But secret, lest it reveal the change," he said.

  "Of course. Now let's see what the search for the children has turned up."

  They left the room and went to the main chamber of the castle. There were several people there. One of them was Electra, much like the one Surprise knew, in blue jeans and crown. She came to hug Dolph. "Are you finished, dear?"

  He hesitated barely an instant. "I think so, yes."

  There was a swirl of smoke and Demon Vore appeared. "And what were you doing with the human king, you luscious reptile?" he inquired cheerfully as he swept Nada into his arms.

  "You have no idea, smoke-head," Nada said affectionately.

  Surprise recognized these as the spouses Dolph and Nada had in her own reality. This reality was now a step closer to that one.

  "What about the search?" Dolph asked.

  Two attractive teen girls appeared at the entrance and ran bouncily up to him. Surprise recognized them as Dawn and Eve, the one fair as the morning sun, the other sultry as dusk. "I checked the whole area, and nothing alive knew anything about any lost children," Dawn said.

  "I checked every nonliving thing, and they didn't know either," Eve said.

  They had gotten the suddenly restored daughters to search, Surprise realized. The daughters who had not existed in this reality before the Guilt Trip, but didn't know that they had only recently been retroactively generated. Her mind threatened to spin out of control.

  It got worse. Ten-year-old DeMonica appeared and joined her mother, Nada. "I asked Magician Humbolt about it," the girl said. "He says the children were transformed."

  "Thank you, DoMinica," Nada said. A flicker of pain crossed her face, quickly suppressed.

  Oh—this was not DeMonica One, but DoMinica Seven. But why the pained expression? Then Surprise realized that this meant that Dolph and Nada's son Donald must have disappeared along with their marriage. That was the penalty for clearing their guilt. But surely Donald remained on Ptero, the moon where all folk who ever existed or might exist dwelt. He simply had lost his entry to reality.

  "And how were they transformed?" Vore asked.

  "Not physically, exactly," DoMinica said. "They—they just don't relate well, now, Humbolt says."

  The demon blew two jets of smoke from his ears. "The Good Magician is ever the one for obscurity."

  That much hadn't changed, Surprise thought.

  "Did he say how to relate to them?" Nada asked her daughter.

  "You just have to go there and look the right way. They're there, if you look right."

  Nada faced Dolph. "Dear—I mean, oh dear, that means our search is not over."

  "We will have to mount a search party and go to the appropriate region," King Dolph said. "And try to look the right way."

  "Thank you," Surprise said. "That will surely help."

  "How come we're doing this, anyway?" DoMinica asked. "Why are we helping the humans?"

  "I have no idea," Nada said with a smile.

  "I caught that!" DoMinica said. "That's an Obscure Smile, mom. You know something you're not telling."

  Nada shrugged. "Maybe I do. Leave me my little secrets, child. When you come of age you'll have secrets of your own."

  "I sure hope so."

  Fortunately only Surprise saw the similarly obscure smile King Dolph made. He had not forgotten either. The two had changed from love and marriage to love without marriage, at least not to each other. Would they retain the kind of illicit passion Surprise had for Che Centaur, that would have been fine in another reality? Fortunately for them, in this reality they could have trysts, as they put it. Surprise envied them that much.

  As they organized for the search, Surprise reflected on the similarities and differences between her reality and this one. Two couples had been brought into alignment, but Dolph was not king in her reality. A portion of the history of this reality had been significantly changed, but most of its residents were unaware of that. Serious guilt had been abated, but only those who had felt that guilt remembered it. And Surprise remembered too, of course, but she would not tell. Others would not readily understand. At least they had made progress on the search for the children. If only they could figure out how to look.

  14

  Child's Play

  "Come, children," Pyra said cheerfully, her body flashing with its inherent flames. "There is a patch of candy canes growing close by, and jelly beans."

  Naturally Demon Ted and DeMonica followed her eagerly, and Woe Betide was satisfied to tag along. It was fun to get sick on candy canes and jelly beans. They followed a little path through the tangled brush. Sure enough, there was the patch, with the stripy canes standing tall and the bean plants twining around them. It was what adults called compatible gardening.

  Ted and Monica plunged ahead, eager to get started on getting sick before Surprise returned and Knew Better. Woe, smaller and slower, lagged. Thus it was that she saw what happened. She saw Pyra contemplating—well, that was too big a word for her small vocabulary, but it meant looking at—the children. The woman nodded as if satisfied with something. Then she faded out.

  Woe Betide wondered what had happened. One moment Pyra was with them, and the next she wasn't. She had simply disappeared. So Woe went to inspect the spot where the fiery woman had stood hardly a moment before. There was nothing except the faint aroma of magic.

  "Ted!" she called. "Monica!"

  "There's enough for you too, brat," Ted called back. He liked calling her that, knowing that she couldn't dissolve her form and re-form as his mother.

  "Not that. Pyra's gone."

  Both Ted and Monica looked. "Where'd she go?" Ted asked.

  "She just faded."

  "But she's supposed to be watching us," Monica said. "She knows she can't even blink without us getting into mischief."

  "She blinked out," Woe said.

  "She must be hiding," Ted decided. "To make us think we're alone, so she can catch us getting into trouble."

  They looked all around, but found no sign of Pyra. They tried making horrible faces and calling her nasty names, but the woman did not reappear. Finally they concluded that she really was gone.

  "Maybe we'd better get back," Monica said uneasily. "Just in case." She tended to be the most responsible child, being the older girl.

  They collected armfuls of canes and stuffed beans in their pockets, then sought the path they had
come on.

  There was no path.

  Now they began to get alarmed. This was more than just chance; that path had been there before.

  "She did it on purpose," Ted said, voicing the dark suspicion they had held back on.

  But Woe, being full demon instead of half demon, had more perception than they did. "She was never here. She was illusion."

  "Illusion!" Monica repeated. "Why?"

  "To get us away from the real Pyra," DeMonica said with belated insight. "To lose us. Someone wants us lost."

  Woe Betide clouded up. "We're lost!"

  Monica gave her a quick hug to stabilize her, acting motherly. "We won't stay lost, dear."

  "Who wants us lost?" Ted demanded belligerently.

  Monica considered. "Maybe that other Surprise who's got the baby."

  "Why'd she care? We're going back to our own reality soon anyway."

  "Unless she wants us to stay here, to keep the baby company. So we're lost until the real Surprise and Che and all go home."

  "Lost!" Woe repeated piteously.

  "Oh shut up, brat," Ted snapped.

  Woe felt a surge of righteous rage. "You wouldn't say that, if I could change back into your mother."

  "Tough beans, brat. Now make yourself useful: light a match and wish us unlost."

  A match! Of course. Woe opened her matchbox and brought out a magic match. She struck it and it flared brightly. And doused itself.

  "What happened?" Ted asked.

  "Nothing happened," Monica said. "That's the problem."

  "What did you wish for, brat?" Ted demanded.

  "The matches don't grant wishes, dum-dum," Monica said. "They grant folk their heart's desire."

  "Same thing, harebrain."

  "No it isn't, crazy-face. A person can make a wish, but can't change her real heart's desire."

  "So what's her real heart's desire?"

  "To change to Metria and spank your insolent butt," Woe said boldly. "But Humfrey's stasis spell balked it."

  "Why you little bleep!" Ted grabbed for Woe's little arm, but his hand passed through her flesh as if it were mist. She was a child, but she was also a full demon, and could dematerialize at will. He couldn't touch her, literally.

  "Ted!" Monica said. "You said 'bleep'!"

  "And I'll say it again," he said nastily.

  Then both paused. Woe saw the problem: how could Ted have violated the Adult Conspiracy and said a bad word? How had Monica been able to repeat it?

  Then a little bulb flashed over Monica's head. "This is a different reality. No Adult Conspiracy here!"

  "Oh, wow!" Ted said, delighted. "Bleep, bleep, BLEEP!"

  "Just because you can, doesn't mean you have to," Monica reproved him. "Anyway, all you have is one word."

  "Well, I haven't had time to learn any more," he said defensively.

  "We're still lost."

  "Because the brat's heart's desire isn't what it should be," he retorted.

  "That's readily solved. She can light a match for one of us."

  "Me first," Ted said. "Do it, brat, or I'll really cuss you out."

  Cowed by the threat, Woe took out another match, struck it, and held it before him. This one was not stifled; it flared brilliantly.

  "$$$$! ####! ****!!" Ted exclaimed zestfully. The air shimmered and the grass around his feet wilted.

  "Ted!" Monica cried, covering her ears.

  "Well, I got my heart's desire," he said. "To be adult enough to handle really bad words."

  "You were supposed to want to be unlost."

  "&&&& it," he said unrepentantly.

  Monica gave up on him. "Woe, please light a match for me. Maybe my heart's desire is what it should be."

  Woe lit a third match. It flared.

  Monica changed. Her hair grew longer and her lips turned bright red. Her eyes became huge and dark, and her hips developed a certain subtle sway.

  "You sick all a sudden?" Ted asked.

  "No, I have become alluring, in the manner of a big girl, with the power to daze men with a single glance and half a smile. I didn't realize that was my fondest heart's desire; I thought it was, oh, maybe third or fourth on the list."

  "Alluring! You?! What a laugh!"

  Monica batted her long eyelashes at him and let out a quarter-smile. Ted's laugh stalled as he stumbled back, dazed. Woe realized that the match had indeed granted her desire, and this reality's lack of the Adult Conspiracy had allowed it to be granted. That was dangerous.

  Monica turned away, and Ted slowly recovered. "Just be thankful I didn't flash my panties at you," she said.

  "Aw, I'm too young to freak."

  She casually lifted a section of her skirt, giving him a half-reared glimpse of panty. He fell to the ground, totally freaked out, and lay there staring at the sky. "You forget: no Adult Conspiracy here. If you can cuss, you can freak."

  Woe nodded. Indeed he could; Monica had proved it. Their age of ten was no longer any barrier to adult behavior. That was doubly dangerous. The two half-demons often acted like brother and sister, but they were unrelated. If Woe could change back to being Ted's mother, she would nearly freak out with dismay at the potential for mischief. As it was, she was merely concerned about a situation she did not understand.

  That made her realize something: there might be no Adult Conspiracy in this reality, but she remained bound by it. Apparently the Good Magician's stasis spell had locked her into the nature as well as the substance of childhood. The older children might revel in breaking the Conspiracy rules, but Woe herself was unable to. She was forever locked into her innocence.

  But that was the lesser problem at the moment. "How are we going to get unlost?" Woe asked plaintively as Ted recovered from his freak-out.

  Now the two older children turned serious. "That's right," Ted said. "All the cusswords and all the glances in Xanth won't be any good if there's no one to use them on."

  "And we don't want to be stranded here when the others go home," Monica said. "So we'd better focus on finding where we are and how to get back to rejoin the others."

  Ted looked around. "This looks pretty much like regular Xanth."

  "Then maybe if we just walk, we'll get somewhere."

  They walked. Soon they found a path and followed it. But Woe was nervous about it. She looked back, and saw no path. "Monica!" she cried. "Look!"

  Monica turned. "Oh, no! It's a one-way path. Just tangled brambles behind."

  "One way," Ted said. "That explains why we couldn't go back before. We were on it all along."

  "Led by a fake Pyra," Monica agreed. "It didn't take much to lose us."

  "Well, we're children. But we'll be smarter next time."

  Woe hoped his confidence was justified. There was certainly something strange going on. If someone had wanted to be rid of them, why hadn't they been led into the clutches of a hungry tangle tree? Why go to the trouble of putting them on a one-way path? Where did it lead?

  "Maybe we'd better get smarter sooner," Monica said uneasily. "If we follow this path, we're going right where someone wants us to go."

  "Right," Ted agreed. "Might as well make some trouble for him." He looked to the sides. "It's pretty thick and brambly."

  "To keep us on the path," Monica said.

  "I'll forge through and make a new path." Ted stepped off, into the foliage.

  But immediately he fell back, looking ill. "Oooh," he groaned.

  "What happened?" Monica asked, steadying him.

  "I think I'm gonna—" He shut his mouth.

  "You are going to what?" Monica asked, concerned.

  The boy's mouth reluctantly opened. His belly heaved. Half-digested candy cane and jelly beans flowed out and spattered on the ground. "Puke," he said belatedly.

  "But you didn't eat enough candy to get sick," Monica protested.

  "I was fine until just now. But when I touched those leaves—"

  Woe inspected the leaves. She raided the stored memories of her adult self; th
ose that did not relate to Conspiracy matters were open to her. "Sick Leaves!" she said.

  "No wonder," Monica said. "Those always make you sick when you get near them."

  Ted seemed recovered, but a bit wan. "Let's not cut across the brush."

  "We'll follow the path," Monica agreed.

  Woe saw no way to avoid it, but she didn't like it. They had been put on this path by an illusion, and it did not let them go back; the sick leaves were filling in behind as they progressed. The trap was still springing. She doubted they would like where this path led.

  They came to an intersection. Their path joined a larger path at right angles. The new one was two-way; they could go in either direction. They consulted, and decided to explore both ways. Ted went left and Monica went right. The path they had been on faded out; now there was only the two-way track.

  "But what about me?" Woe asked woefully. "I'm tired." Actually demons did not get tired the way fleshly creatures did, but it was appropriate for her age.

  "You sit there, brat," Ted said. "We'll come back for you after we find the best route." He paused. "If we don't forget."

  Woe burst into tears.

  Monica hurried to console her, and to reprove him. "Do that again, Demon Ted, and I'll freak you out so bad you'll still be lying here by nightfall," she said fiercely.

  "Aw, I'm real scared," he said derisively.

  She put her hand to her skirt.

  "Okay, okay. I'm on my way." He hurried along the path.

  "He was just teasing, honey," Monica said. "We won't forget you. I promise."

  "Okay," Woe said bravely. "I'll wait."

  Monica went to the right, and soon disappeared around a curve. Woe remained alone, nervously reminding herself that it was just for a little while.

  She looked around, and saw something lying near where the one-way path had been. She picked it up. It was an eating utensil, a small fork with five dull tines. Someone must have dropped it and not missed it. There wasn't much use for it here, where pies and fruits could be best eaten by hand. But it was well made, with little runes along its sides. She decided to keep it.

  Ted appeared on the right. Then Monica arrived from the left. But they had gone the opposite ways. Woe found this confusing.