Tender as Hellfire

by Joe Meno

  I didn’t know what to say to that. I thanked her and she walked me back down to the classroom where I sat waiting another hour for the bell to ring. When it did, I grabbed my jacket and hurried outside. For some reason, my eyes felt hot with tears. I ran off, down to the culvert, hiding behind the tall, dry weeds. I don’t know why I felt like crying, but for a little while, I kind of felt happy. Happy that the test was over and happy that the lady said I was going to be all right.

  After sitting down by the irrigation pipe for a while, chasing a leopard frog, catching it, then turning it loose, I was feeling so good that I decided to walk right past my house and down the two lots to Val’s silver trailer to share the good news. I was stopped still in my tracks when I saw her screen door hanging from broken hinges. There were no records playing inside. There was just the sound of the broken door swinging in the frame. I dashed up her gray steps and pressed my face to the lopsided door and whispered her name.

  “Val?”

  Her long white legs did not appear. There was no cloud of cigarette smoke rising from the sofa, no familiar click of her high heels against the dirty floor. But her front door was almost wide open. I peeked my head in and didn’t see anybody moving inside. I glanced around at the red sofa, the Oriental screen. I looked down and saw her blue lamp broken on the floor. Two of her kitchen chairs were upturned on their sides.

  “Val?” I called again.

  But there was still no reply. I stepped on inside, trying not to breathe. My heart was pounding in my ears. I just knew that something terrible had happened. The broken vase and the chairs looked dead, lying there in their places. The door thrown off its hinges swung back and forth a little with the wind. The blue shades were drawn. I spotted one of Val’s black stockings lying alone along the middle of the floor. I spotted the other stocking a few feet away, balled up in the hallway. “Val?” I said again, but there was nothing. My whole heart felt empty. My hands were kind of shaking at my side. I listened hard and heard the sound of water dripping from her bathroom. I couldn’t hold my breath any longer. And then I saw her thin shadow moving down the hall.

  “Val?” I called once more.

  But her lips didn’t utter a sound. I gasped as my poor Val stepped into the light.

  “Oh, Dough. Don’t look at my face. Please, honey, don’t look at me right now,” she whispered.

  I felt my lips turn still and dry. All the blood in my veins went cold. It couldn’t be. It couldn’t be.

  “Please don’t stare at me, baby. Don’t stare at my face.”

  Beneath each of her eyes were two black lumps and her soft lips had been split. There was a shiny red mark on one of her cheeks which looked like it had been made by someone’s teeth. She was wearing a heavy black sweater and loose blue jeans. And none of her bare skin was showing. She was hiding in the dark, holding her hands over her face.

  “What … what happened, Val?”

  “Please, Dough.”

  “But what happened?”

  “It was that man,” she whispered. “That man came by again last night and did this to me.”

  No. My teeth rattled in my head. No.

  “The deputy?” I asked, clenching my fists at my side. I could imagine his empty gray face. I could imagine his voice and all his lies, the sight of him rearing his hand back to smack my older brother, but now it was Val he was holding.

  “Who, Mort? Of course not. Mort … he’d never do that. It was that man, Henry, that cowboy with …”

  The man with the sandy-colored Stetson hat. The cowboy with the bone-handled knife.

  “What happened?” I asked.

  “They caught him right away. They got him last night.”

  “What are those?”

  There by her feet were two yellow and black suitcases, old and worn. They looked packed up tight and ready to go.

  “I’m going away. I’m taking a trip to visit my sister. I need to … get away for a little while.” “When are you coming back?”

  “I don’t know yet. I told Mr. Letts he could rent out the trailer until I come back.”

  “But what about us? What about Pill and me?”

  Val came over and kissed my forehead with her bruised lips. “You’ll always be with me in my heart. You’ll always be with me.”

  “But we need you, Val. We don’t want you to leave.”

  “I know, I know, but I have to. I have to get away now.” Her dark eyes were twinkling with tears. She opened her mouth to mutter something else, but no words came out.

  “But we love you …” I cried.

  “I know. I love you too …” Val’s face crinkled up into tears. “I … I’ll miss you both.” She covered her eyes and turned, disappearing into her bathroom.

  As clear as a skull wound, there it was. Val was moving. My poor, sweet Val was already gone. I glanced around at her nice red sofa and the black screen and those lacy stockings lying there by themselves, and then I felt myself getting ill, so I ran to our trailer and straight to my room and laid down in my bed, feeling the tears I had been fighting against all day burning along my face.

  “How was your test, honey?” my mother called from the kitchen.

  I lifted my face from the slippery pillow and let out a cry. “I find out next week …”

  I could hear my mother stepping down the hall toward me and my brother’s room, then she was stopped by French’s soft voice.

  “Give the man a little time alone to just sit and think,” he said. I could hear my mother place her ear against the bedroom door. I could nearly feel her lips on my cheek. I prayed to God that she wouldn’t come in. After a moment or two, she walked quietly away, though I could still hear her whispering to French out there, maybe starting to cry, but then I just buried my head under my pillow, laying there, hoping I might die so I could just end all this grief once and for all.

  About an hour later, though, my mother did come in. I looked up and saw the pleasant shape of her face. In the half-light, her eyes were blue and bright. I wiped the tears from my eyes and tried not to look upset.

  “Dough, honey, are you okay?”

  “I’m fine,” I lied as best as I could.

  “Val said you came by and were pretty upset.”

  “I said I’m fine.”

  She patted me on my head. “Do you want to talk about it at all?”

  “No. I don’t wanna talk about it ever again.”

  “Okay, darling. Okay. Dinner’s ready if you wanna come out. French and I aren’t going anywhere tonight. We’ll be right out there if you want to talk, okay?”

  I nodded and turned back on my side. I suddenly imagined all the lousy things that had already happened in my life: My dad dying. Us leaving our home. Moving here. Getting in trouble in school for things I never did. The Chief looking right through me. El Rey’s moving away. Getting caught for starting that fire. Snitching on my brother. Lottie’s old man. Her sister’s baby dying. That glass eye. Taking that awful test. Having to see Val all like that.

  I sat up and looked out my window and I realized the worst part of it all was how lonely I felt without my older brother, Pill, because he still wasn’t really talking to me and he had always been there to help me get through it all, to tell me some dirty old joke or punch me on the arm and let me know that I wasn’t alone. But now I was.

  I looked out my window and stared at the night setting in. My older brother would be coming home from work soon. He’d be walking right across the road by himself, maybe whistling, smoking a cigarette, hating the way the trailer park looked, with the mobile homes stacked so tight beside one another, the exact same way I hated it seeing it every day I came home. It made me very worried suddenly, thinking about him. It made me very scared that he’d never forgive me and I’d go on being lonely forever.

  I decided I had something I had to tell him. I had to tell him about Val. And how sorry I was. I wanted to say how awful I felt for ratting him out, and for some reason I just couldn’t wait any longer. I had
to find a way to make him want to talk to me again.

  I pulled myself out of my bed and stepped into the hall, then put on my older brother’s hooded sweatshirt and made for the front screen door. There was my mother and French curled up beside one another on the sofa.

  “Whatcha doing there, pal?” French smiled, tapping the silver top of a beer can. I shrugged my shoulders and found the dog’s brown leash.

  “I’m gonna go take Shilo for a walk and wait outside for my brother to come home.”

  He stared at me and nodded. “That’s sounds awful nice of you.” He winked at me, then turned his head back around to watch the TV. My mother smiled, resting her cheek against his square shoulder.

  I stepped outside, snapping the leash onto Shilo’s collar. The night was cool and the sky was becoming black. I looked back through the front window and saw my mother’s and French’s heads resting beside one another, then I smiled to myself. Seeing the two of them like that made it seem like everything might be okay.

  I walked down past the end of the lots to the field, then laid down on my back, staring up at the dark blue sky, holding that dumb dog close, watching the gray road for my brother’s shadow. I knew that sooner or later it would come shrugging from out of the blackness and straight into the circles of light, and then I would apologize and he would say it was all right. I laid there a long time, running my fingers under Shilo’s neck, scratching its soft white fur, searching for chiggers or fleas or ticks. Its skin was smooth and soft and nearly pink. That dog just rested beside me, breathing against my face, looking at me with its one blue-black eye. We laid there together waiting for a long time.

  It was getting late as hell.

  It made me worry that my older brother wasn’t ever coming home.

  About a half hour later, I caught sight of him, an awkward shape, grinning like a fool to himself. I crept out of the tall brown grass and met him just beside the culvert. His face was all red and glowing. He patted me on the back and just kept smiling as we walked together toward home.

  “What are you smiling at?” I asked. It felt like I hadn’t seen him smile in a long time.

  “I don’t know. I just feel like smiling.”

  “Did something funny happen at work?”

  “You could say that.” He winked at me, and almost at once I knew.

  “You weren’t at work, were you?”

  “Nope.”

  “Where were you then?”

  “I was with Lula Getty.”

  “Lula Getty? From Sunday school?”

  “The one and the same.”

  “What were you doing?”

  Pill-Bug winked at me once more. “I’ll just say it’s been the greatest night of my life.” And then, unable to stop himself from bragging, he added, “We did it.”

  “You did it?”

  Pill-Bug nodded.

  “But how?” I asked.

  “She works at the Pig Pen. A couple of weeks ago, I was out back, smoking near the loading docks, and she was there smoking too, and we just started talking, and it turns out we have a lot in common.”

  “Like what?”

  “Like we both like wolves.”

  “Since when do you like wolves?”

  “Since Lula Getty said she did. I took twenty bucks from my work money and went and bought her a ceramic statue of a wolf from the filling station. I gave it to her tonight.”

  “At work? In front of everybody?”

  “No, jerk-wad. I went over to where she was babysitting. Then I gave it to her.”

  “Then you had sex?”

  Pill nodded, winking at me again. I didn’t think I had ever seen him so happy. I was glad he was talking to me, but the closer we got to the trailer park, the worse I was beginning to feel.

  Shilo hopped along by my side, rattling his metal tags like tiny chimes. There in the distance were the lights of the trailers, a glow rising over the square blocks of mobile homes. The whole place looked empty all of a sudden, now that Val was gone. I felt like everything was ending. I wanted to tell my brother what had happened, how Val had been beat up and was gone already, so that he could explain to me that somehow everything was still going to be okay, because I sure didn’t feel that way. I needed him to muss up my hair or to hear him laugh. I needed to know he was still my friend.

  I turned then and just blurted it all out in one gulp. “Pill, Val … Val … she’s gone.”

  He stopped in his tracks and stared in my face. “What?”

  “She left today. She’s gone. Moved out.”

  “But what the hell for?”

  “Someone beat her up. Someone broke down her goddamn screen door and tore up her whole place.”

  Pill went still. His face became stiff and gray. All the glow that had been in his eyes disappeared from his face. He didn’t punch my arm. He didn’t say a dirty joke or a goddamn word. He just turned and looked over his shoulder down the lonesome dark road.

  All of a sudden, a pair of shining yellow lights appeared.

  It was a swerving car, and it was coming right at us.

  Headlights flashed right in our eyes, as the white car with the red lights on top roared to a stop right up beside us.

  There he was, grinning like a drunken lunatic behind the steering wheel.

  “Hell,” Pill murmured, spying over his shoulder.

  I caught sight of the deputy’s greasy smile, and I was almost sure that I saw him give us a cold little wink.

  He slowly rolled his window down. “What you boys doing out here by yourselves tonight?” The deputy nodded to himself, leaning back in his seat.

  Me, I didn’t say a goddamn word. I froze in my tracks. My older brother shrugged his shoulders a little, then elbowed me to keep on walking. But I couldn’t move. The lights of the trailer park now seemed so far away. And we were out here all alone. Here was that bastard’s smiling white teeth. Somewhere beside his belt was his shiny silver gun. I suddenly imagined the deputy putting bullets in the both of us and kicking us down into the culvert. I swore I saw him wink again. And there was no way I could make a single move after that. Pill gave me a little shove but the deputy noticed quick.

  “Stand where you are,” he barked. He took out his flashlight and shined it right in our eyes, still sitting there in the driver’s seat with his awful smile. “I asked you boys what it was you were doing out here tonight.”

  Shilo, by my side, gave a little yelp. I held its brown leash tight.

  “I was just coming home from work,” Pill said with a frown, gritting his teeth. He looked that bastard straight in his black eyes, then turned away.

  The deputy nodded once, still grinning like mad. “And what about you, son?”

  “Meeting my brother to go on home,” I mumbled.

  “Is that so?” The deputy shortened his smile. He let out a muffled laugh and shook his head. “Do you boys take me for some kind of goddamn fool?”

  There, right there, with those words, I could feel my teeth turn to dust in my mouth. It was like seeing myself drifting toward the end of the world, then slipping closer and closer and falling right over. We were going to be in some sort of trouble again all right. The deputy’s eyes were wild and bright, his lips twitching a little as he threw the damn car into park. I could hear the engine slide into neutral. Then the snap of the deputy’s seat belt.

  Pill just stood there, still gritting his teeth. Then all the lights around us went completely dim.

  “Run!” my brother shouted, and pulled me by my sleeve. He ran straight off the side of the road and down into the culvert, towing me the whole way. Our dumb dog, Shilo, barked once then followed, hopping down the side of the road, moving quick through the wet brown grass on its three legs as fast as it could. My heart was beating right in my ears. All I could feel was my brother’s hand on my sleeve, pulling me ahead, pulling straight through the dark. Our feet were moving fast, crossing over the wet grass, the dog howling along behind us.

  That pair of headlights
suddenly turned right on us.

  “Jesus!” Pill screamed, stopping just for a second to watch the deputy drive his car off the road and down, down, down into the muddy ditch. But the damn thing didn’t get stuck. It rolled slowly through the mud and straight onto the field, that pair of headlights staring right at us. “Run for the barn!” my brother shouted, still pulling on my sleeve.

  Of course, it hit me hard, like a full slap to my jaw: There right ahead was the Furnham barn, standing still and red and quiet and haunted as all hell. The dog was howling and moving right in our tracks, trying to stay out of the deputy’s lights. That damn barn was just ahead.

  Pill stopped and turned again, fighting for breath, just as the deputy’s squad car sank into a patch of dirt. Its shiny silver wheels turned and turned, throwing mud into the air. Behind the glow of the windshield, we could both see the deputy’s face all hot and red and full of hate. He pounded the steering wheel with his hand about three times, then kicked open the goddamn door.

  My older brother felt around in the dark for the barn door latch. Me, I held the dog right by my side, watching as that deputy’s drunken form moved toward us. He was wobbling a little, losing his footing in the slippery mud, cursing to himself in grunts.

  “Don’t move!” the deputy hollered. “Don’t make a goddamn move.”

  All that darkness had fallen around us. All the cold night air was coming down over our heads and I could still feel that red heat burning from behind the deputy’s eyes. He stopped then and reached down and drew his sidearm. I could see it glimmer in the squad car’s headlights. The gun. The gun. My heart pumped blood straight to my brain. I gripped the dog’s leash tight as I could, hoping somehow that this gesture alone would keep me safe, hiding in the black shadows cast by my older brother and the barn, making all the prayers I could think of, watching as my brother swore to himself, his fingers fumbling along the barn door.

  “Let me be home in bed,” I kept mumbling. “Let me be home in bed.”

  “Stay where you are, I said!” the deputy shouted, still wobbling toward us through the dirt. Then he pointed his gun toward the sky and squeezed off a round.