Collapse: The Tale of Waking Marissa

by Jessica L. Gaffney

  Marissa reached the counter to pay for her snacks and tapped her fingers. She scanned the lobby one more time. Running into Jeremy would bring up everything she was trying to forget. Sean had obviously moved on. Now it was her turn.

  She took a deep breath as if she were diving underwater. With her leather satchel draped across her front, she clasped the plastic bag of snacks and darted into the lobby. She stood near the Starbucks kiosk when the remnant of a prayer whispered in her ear. If it is Jeremy, he may also mention you to his brother.

  Marissa had tried desperately to forget the dark, mysterious duo. Banned from Chatham High on drug charges, Hawke snuck out of town without his parole officer’s consent, partying at the fraternity with his brother. Of course, Sean made certain Hawke stayed away from Marissa. Though Jeremy was the one with a string of women, Hawke was the elusive ladies’ man. She admitted that something about the dangerous side of him, brought out the tiger in her.

  Hawke was not the type of boy Sean would normally consider competition. He was mysterious and kept to himself. Unlike the others who played video games and drank cases of beer, Hawke usually propped himself in the corner of the makeshift kitchen, sketching in a leather book he toted everywhere. He carried a set of drumsticks in his pocket; not that she ever heard him play.

  Though they rarely spoke, she often felt his arctic eyes move over her as she squeezed by the table to get to the back bedroom. Marissa often wished he had followed her so they could be alone. She thought of him at night when Sean was beside her. There was something about him that she felt connected to. She thought about him on the weekends when Hawke wasn’t there. She missed seeing him, wondering what he was up to and how he was.

  For all their talk, Marissa had never seen Hawke take a drug or sell anything. The boys were quiet about it, but Sean made sure she kept her distance.

  Sean had not taken her breath away like Hawke had. Honestly, she was more afraid of her feelings for him than she had ever been with Sean. At first he’d frightened her, with his dark shaggy hair and body piercings, not to mention the way he stared into her soul over a smoke. She thought back to the weekend when Sean had a major hangover. She had snuck into the kitchen before dawn to get him a glass of water and some aspirin without turning on the light. She’d found her way around before, so it shouldn’t have been a problem.

  Hawke was up late drawing by the pale moonlight. With his iPod blasting he hadn’t heard her get up. Marissa jumped when she saw him in the corner. He darted off his chair and caught her by the head before she smashed into the kitchen counter.

  Scared to death, she grabbed onto him to stop her fall. He cradled her head, backed her up to the cabinets and looked in her eyes. His dark form had stretched above her; he was four inches taller than Sean. With her heart pounding, something irrational took over.

  All she wanted was to reach up and kiss him— where it led she did not care. She wanted only to act out the passion that had since died between her and Sean. It was a desire she faced, one she would not forget and never again repeat.

  Hawke stepped away and turned on the fluorescent light. He gripped the counter and brought his scruffy beard and searching eyes to her face. Studying her pupils, he took in the sight before him. His rough hands touched her cheeks as he looked her over. “Are you all right?”

  She nodded quickly and eased her breathing. Hawke backed away though her hands still gripped his forearm. Marissa looked down and let go once she realized she was holding onto him.

  The small kitchen had provided just enough room for their bodies. The kitchen had no stove, just two sets of counters with four feet of space between them.

  Hawke spoke softly. “Did you need something?” He stepped away and turned back to the table. When Marissa slid off the counter, their eyes locked.

  “I . . . didn’t think anyone was up.” The heat in her cheeks burned as she opened the refrigerator door. Trying to hide her ratty hair and runny makeup, she realized she was standing there in Sean’s Adidas T-shirt and Guinness boxers. Retrieving the Brita water filter, she turned to the counter but Hawke had already retrieved a glass. Again their gaze found each other.

  “I don’t sleep well anymore.” Her fingers slipped through his as she took the glass form his monstrous hands. She noted the worn tape wrapped around his forefingers and knuckles. “I’m sorry I spooked you.”

  Marissa turned back but kept her eyes on the cabinet. “It’s all right.” Startled more by his manners and intense stare, she retrieved the aspirin bottle and opened it. As if the pills were for her, she popped them in her mouth and swallowed. She followed them down with water and asked, “Why can’t you sleep?”

  He looked away. “It’s sort of hard to explain. Maybe another time, when the sun’s up.”

  She swayed. “Have you been up all night?”

  “Yes.”

  Marissa forgot about Sean and his drunken state, sharing her deepest thoughts with someone other than her journal.. Hawke asked pointed questions, but he listened. She talked about her sisters and school, and what she wanted to do with her life -- things she never thought about until now.

  Sean was a part of everything she did, but she was no longer comfortable with that fact. She didn’t want Hawke to think she was as attached to Sean as she appeared to be. It wasn’t until later that day that she realized the hazel-eyed beauty had had such an effect on her.

  She’d left the fraternity before they could say goodbye, packing her things before Sean could make her stay. That was the last time Hawke came to the fraternity. Classes were out and two months later, things went bad with Sean. How many times had she fallen asleep arguing in her head over whether she’d crossed the line? Still his gentle words grew to mean something. She wore Sean’s ring, but Hawke had seen a part of her Sean did not care to know.

  She stepped up to the counter. “Welcome to Starbucks. How may I serve you?” The cashier flashed a fake smile.

  She stared at the board. “I don’t know.” She stared into the empty dessert rack, she wished she hadn’t bothered. Peeking into Burger King, she saw that Evan and his boys were already wolfing down their lunch. She stepped into line, looking towards the lobby again to make sure Jeremy was gone.

  She laughed at herself for thinking about Hawke. His brother knew every dark detail of what had happened and probably told Hawke. Why would he want anything to do with her? She swallowed hard and reached for a tray. The man behind her cleared his throat and she turned toward the row of heat lamps.

  She glanced back to check the lobby again.

  “Are you looking for someone?”

  She shrugged off his deep voice and moved with the line. “No, I’m fine.”

  The boy kept his face taut. “Anyone I know?”

  Marissa raised her head to see the unshaven olive face of the man who spoke to her. His light eyes and dimpled smile deepened as her grin widened. Terror pulsed through her body. It was Hawke.

  The stranger smiled as he removed his snowy hat and Burton gloves.

  “Hawke?”

  He dusted the remaining snow from his hair and watched her closely.

  “What are you doing here?”

  He reached for his own food tray. “I’m heading to Vermont for the weekend. What about you?”

  She stalled and moved toward the drinks area. “I’m taking some time off.”

  He tucked his gloves inside. “It’s good to see you.”

  Her limbs felt like they were on fire as she searched his face. His smooth lips and high cheekbones enthralled her. Was she drooling? “Same here.”

  Hawke took her elbow and pushed her along as the line wound in front of them. She pulled a salad from the ice chest as Hawke placed two burgers on his tray. Both took a drink from the cooler, their arms gently brushing.

  “You know, I thought I saw you earlier, by the gift shop.” His eyes drifted to hers and back to the tray. “Then my phone rang and I took the call outside.”

  She leaned closer, not sure
if she should. She was in similar company with him, the two of them nursing secrets the church group would never accept, regardless of their advertisements. Both she and Hawke had shady pasts, and had somehow survived.

  Hawke balanced his tray and unzipped his charcoal jacket. “So how come I didn’t see you at the church?”

  “What church?”

  “You’re here with St. Steven’s, right?” Hawke raised his thumb, pointing outside. “I’m driving the utility van. We stay behind the bus in case there are any problems.”

  Marissa was speechless.

  “You okay?”

  She nodded and turned around. The two stood in line like a couple that had overheard each other’s plea during Catholic confession.

  Shuffling toward the cashier, Hawke pulled out his wallet. “I’d like to buy your meal, if that’s all right.”

  “No, that’s okay.”

  His smile receded. Something inside her stirred as he walked by the cashier. She wanted to say something, but she’d just rejected his offer and that’s not what she meant. It’s just that she didn’t know what he knew about her and Sean, and after their last meeting, she was sure he had the wrong impression.

  “Maybe a real dinner though, sometime soon?”

  Hawke turned on his heels and smiled gently. “I’d like that.”

  Marissa watched as the boy regained his confidence. He was regal in a rough-and-tumble sort of way, not to mention kind, considerate and possibly interested in her.

  Marissa reached for her purse as the cashier motioned to the next person in line. “It’s all set, ma’am. Your meal’s been paid for.”

  Marissa looked up as the woman waved her through. She scanned the overcrowded seating, hoping to find Hawke. “Where’d he go?”

  She hoped she wasn’t hallucinating again. Her therapist had told her that her dreams were just working out the question in her heart. A lot of help that was. She was well aware of that agony during her waking hours.

  Searching again she turned toward the lobby. Where did he go?

  “Riss? Over here.”

  The familiar voice made her skin crawl. Evan stood up waving his hand like he’d won a prize. Pushing a handful of burger into his mouth, he motioned to the table. Still dazed, she stood frozen in the center of the room looking for Hawke, ignoring Evan’s shouts.

  Before she could take another step, the Swedish jock loomed in front of her. “You okay? You look lost.”

  She smiled and broke through the haze. “I’m fine. I’m just looking for somebody.”

  He led her back to his table. “Trust me: this place is packed. Just sit down and eat.”

  Marissa slid into the booth beside Jedd. She rolled her eyes as he licked his lips, staring at her chest.

  Just what she wanted, to be pestered by some pre-teen.

  Evan introduced her to his friends. “Marissa, this is Burton, and you already know Jedd.” He pointed to the blond from the bathroom and her sidekick. “This is Stephanie, my girlfriend, and Briana, her cousin.”

  Jedd batted his eyes again but Marissa didn’t care. She twisted in her seat and scanned the room.

  “You don’t go to our high school do you?” Stephanie asked.

  Evan stopped chewing to answer for her. “She did until this year. Her mom switched her to St. Claire’s to keep Sean away.”

  Marissa shook her head. What was he doing? She was waiting for Jedd to ask who Sean was, but thankfully he didn’t.

  “Who are you looking for?”

  “An old friend,” she said, loving the thoughts that ran through her mind.

  Evan rattled his empty Coke. “What’s her name?”

  “It’s not a girl. His name is Hawke.”

  Stephanie coughed and Jedd looked at Evan. The smile slid off both their faces.

  “Hawke Davies?”

  “You know Hawke?” Stephanie lunged forward.

  She looked at the anxious girl. “Yeah, why?”

  Evan interrupted. “Trust me Marissa, you don’t want to be caught talking to that guy.”

  “Why not?” Her eyes returned to the table. She felt the tension rise.

  Evan squashed his napkin in his fist and leaned over the table. His nose flared in anger. “First off, the guy is a prick. He got kicked out of school, in case you don’t remember, and he’s a freaking janitor who mixes meth in his garage apartment. He’s a far cry from Sean.”

  Marissa knew what Evan was trying to say, but half of that information was wrong. She knew about Hawke’s drug charge. Sean told her a million times to stay away from Hawke. True, he may have given her a watered-down version, but she was aware of his past. But she also knew that on the weekends they shared in the frat, she never saw him with a girl or a beer, and Hawke was street smart.

  More than that, in the five minutes they’d spent together in line, she’d come back to life.

  ~~~

  After the meal, Marissa headed outside. The Canadian air was blowing in a cold front. Rubbing her arms and wrapping her scarf around her neck, she scanned the parking lot for Hawke. It was a three-day weekend, so there had to be time to run into him.

  She was glad there was no homework that weekend— not that she’d do it. College and all other prospects had gone out the door with Sean that fall. She was patient in waiting for him but once Christmas had come and gone, she’d accepted it. He was gone and they were really over.

  Marissa pushed the notion of the bright-eyed Irishman out of her mind. Hawke was a head taller, a bit leaner and so dashing with those German cheekbones and Native American skin.

  “Hey, Riss,” Evan called as he, Burton and Jedd came out of the rest stop. She hurried toward the bus as flurries floated to the ground. Maybe they’d leave her alone if she headed to the charter bus.

  She ducked behind a row of parked cars just beside the bus, hunching low to conceal herself. She peered through the car’s back window and watched Evan take a swing at Jedd. He was swift little sucker who tucked his head and played it off as if they were sparring, but she knew better. Evan had a temper; a big one.

  When they boarded the bus, she rounded the back of the car and snuck deeper into the parking lot. Again and again she skimmed the aisles hoping to find the handsome boy. Then she heard Evan’s voice: “ Hawke is a convicted felon; you should stay away.”

  He’s not a felon, she told herself. Sean said he’d plead guilty but he really wasn’t. And she believed him. She pulled out her phone and pretended to be on a call. Truth was, maybe Hawke didn’t want to find her. Maybe he was already in the van or on the phone with his girlfriend. Oh God, was he dating someone? Why were the good guys always taken?

  Wait, if he was taken, then why did he ask her out? He did ask her out, right? This was stupid. She huffed and turned around. It was twenty degrees and she was outside on a fake phone call for a guy with a drug problem. She was clearly desperate.

  Then a third thought ran through her nervous mind. Maybe he thought she was a complete joke. Why else would a girl stand out in the cold? Oh God, what if he thought she was stalking him? She pushed herself up on her tiptoes and looked again. Maybe he took off already? What if he heard their conversation at the table and didn’t want to speak to her? Not that she would blame him.

  Evan talked about Hawke as if he were some stray dog. He was no angel himself. In fact, she thought they’d hung out a few years earlier. What happened?

  She blew on her hands and pressed them under her arms. The sky was cloudy and the snow began to crumble as if God were dousing a cake with powdered sugar. She stared up at the gray cover, admiring his work. “I know I can’t see You, but You’re up there. Please let me find him.”

  Marissa folded her arms and ducked her head.

  “Are you looking for someone?”

  She stopped mid-stride. Caught with her hand in the cookie jar, Marissa turned slowly.

  Their eyes met as her smile flattened. Hawke adjusted his hat and leaned against the bus. “The door’s on the other
side, little lady.”

  “I know,” she sassed.

  “Then what are you doing over here? It’s freezing.”

  She waved her phone. “Trying to send a text, but there’s no reception out here.”

  Hawke chuckled. “I didn’t even bring mine. Now get on the bus before Rod starts looking for you. He’s rather time- efficient.”

  “Thanks for the meal. I tried to find you in there to tell you.”

  “You’re welcome.”

  She lingered. “I still think about what you did.” She looked away. “That morning in the kitchen…”

  “I didn’t forget.”

  “I am lucky you were there.” She tingled all over just knowing he remembered.

  Hawke’s eyes glistened. “I don’t think luck had anything to do with it.”

  “You don’t?”

  “Nope.”

  Pastor Rod rounded the bus and clapped his hands. “Time to go, you guys. We’re running late.”

  As Rod left, Hawke leaned toward her. “We can catch up tomorrow if you like. I’ll be busy most of tonight unloading the van.”

  “Sounds good.”

  He stepped away from her, “Why don’t you meet me for breakfast tomorrow? Rod will fill you in on the schedule.”

  She accepted and tried to keep her excitement in check. She waved goodnight to Hawke and slipped around the bus. Her smile was electric. Something inside her started to melt.

  4 The Thing About Ice

  The bus arrived at the Campo Station Lodge at 10:30 a.m. All campers had exactly half an hour to unpack, find their room assignments and meet in the main hall. Rod stood at the front of the bus with a microphone in hand. “There are three rules for unloading people. There are two buildings on the property. One’s called the Little Lodge, which is where we’ll stay, and there’s the main lodge across the parking lot. It houses a cafeteria, larger groups, vending machines and a gift shop.”

  He looked around the bus cabin. “Girls will exit the bus first. Boys will each carry four pieces of luggage into the main hall of the lodge.” He rubbed a hand over his chin and continued, “Don’t test me, either.”