Collapse: The Tale of Waking Marissa

by Jessica L. Gaffney

  Their relationship remained inactive until she turned sixteen, a year and a half after they first started to date. But once Marissa saw the love in Sean’s eyes, she wanted to be with him as much as she could. Their bouts of passion turned into evenings of pleasure once her mom started dating. At school, most of their bedroom time came after Sean had plenty of liquor in him, while Marissa somehow managed not to get herself drunk.

  But that night Marissa was uncomfortable. The couple fell asleep after taking a shower, and Sean woke her just after midnight. She had broken curfew.

  By the time she reapplied her makeup and fixed her hair, she pleaded with God that her mother would be asleep when she got home. She didn’t nag Sean about the time but enjoyed the ride through the city streets. It made her feel like a grown up, being out late on the town. The two lovers rode home, their fingers intertwined.

  Assuming her mother was asleep; Marissa left her engagement ring on her finger and slipped quietly into the house. She took her shoes off outside and shut the door behind her. Her head was in the clouds, she remembered that. If Sean did well at tryouts, they would be married by Christmas and on their way to freedom.

  They had plans to rent an apartment near the team and she’d work right after school got out. She was so excited she washed her face and admired her smile before retiring to her room. But what Marissa found when she opened her bedroom door was a force to be reckoned with.

  Mrs. Gladstone had received a call from a family friend who spotted Marissa and Sean at the hotel. Her mother had gone to her room looking for clues about the sexual activity of her underage daughter. She found all the evidence she needed in her nightstand drawer.

  It didn’t take long for Mrs. Gladstone to phone Sean’s parents. She found brochures for apartments and directions to hotels in the vicinity of Sean’s school. Then she found the empty engagement ring box. The diamond had been on and off Marissa’s finger for months now, and her mom had never noticed.

  Mrs. Gladstone had kept digging. She read through the journals and uncovered their plans for a wedding in New York. What mother would sit back and let that happen to her daughter?

  When Marissa opened the door, her mother was sitting in the dark. Marissa shrieked when she turned on the light, the diamond flashing in the bedside mirror. “Mom, what are you doing in here?”

  Her mother stared coldly at her. “Where have you been, Marissa?”

  “Sean and I were out. We went for dinner at the Hilton.”

  “That restaurant closes at eleven.”

  She stared at the floor.

  “I asked you a question, young lady.” Her eyes shifted to Marissa’s hand, where the diamond stud sparkled. Her mother lunged forward and ripped the ring off her hand.

  “Is this what you’ve been hiding? You’re going to run away with Sean?”

  “Give it back. It’s mine.”

  “You think this makes you a grown up. Do you think sex makes him love you?”

  “Mom, give it to me. You know he loves me.”

  Her mother clutched the ring and narrowed her steel eyes. “You’re going to throw your life away on that boy, all so he can have his career and his little toy on the side? Is that what you want? Is that how you honor your father?”

  Marissa’s mind tumbled. “How dare you speak of Dad. You don’t even care that he’s gone.”

  Her mother smacked her on the cheek and their two worlds collided. Mrs. Gladstone called Sean a thief for hiding his intentions and making her daughter sneak around like some whore.

  “It’s over, Marissa.”

  “It’ll never be over. You can’t stop us!”

  “Watch me!”

  Her mother built a barricade outside her bedroom door and threatened to call the cops for statutory rape if Sean came on their property.

  Marissa had no way of knowing what was happening over at the Moffit household. Sean left in the morning and the only way she could see him was if she jumped out the window, but it was a long way down.

  Trapped, the girl dove inside her closet pounding her fists on the wood floor. The stabs of pain welled up as waves of pain escaped through screams. She closed herself in the closet, crying until she fell asleep. With the emotional swell still pulsing through her, she awoke to a sunlit morning. The house was quiet and she peeked out the window to see the time. Outside everything appeared normal. But it wasn’t.

  Her mother had left a note taped to the bathroom mirror. She had had taken the twins out for the day and removed Marissa’s wallet, keys, phone, laptop and everything else she could use to contact Sean.

  Marissa stayed in bed all afternoon. She refused to eat in an effort to punish her mother. She had already gone into her mother’s room and demolished a few items that her Mom held dear. She smashed a porcelain vase and threw her mother’s purse in the toilet. She tossed her perfumes out the window, smashing them on the driveway.

  Her venting over, she marched back to her room and rummaged through her things to find photos of her and Sean, and anything that made her feel close to him. Reviewing the memory card in her camera, she cried at the thought that they were all she had now. Her Mom could be that angry, but she couldn’t take away the only person Marissa loved.

  The crying led to convulsions, which led to cramping. She returned to the closet where she wailed and moped until her mother came home, and then she did it all again.

  Marissa remembered her mother knocking on the door, but she refused to answer. Her mother offered her a meal and left it outside the door. But Marissa didn’t budge.

  It had been 24 hours now without a drop of water or a morsel of food. Her heaviness was enough to fill her. The ache and the tremors of being alone had ravaged her strength. She woke in the middle of the night with more pains. This time she ran to the shower, but her legs began to shake.

  Her mother burst into the bathroom to find a soaked Marissa collapsed on the floor. Marissa cried and cried but never said a word to her mother. She dragged her body up the hallway and into her bed, where her mother stroked her hair. After changing into her dry clothes, Marissa’s heart hardened. She enjoyed the pain on the inside because it gave her something to feel.

  Angry and determined, she drifted back to sleep. But the following morning, she awoke in the hospital. When Marissa came to, she was staring into the doctor’s sapphire eyes. He reminded her of Sean.

  A nurse pulled the privacy curtain around her bed and stepped in. She asked Marissa a series of questions to which she gave blank stares. She was slipping from delusion to heartbreak and back again.

  “Miss Gladstone, how far along were you?”

  Marissa rolled her head to the side, wondering what happened. Why was she there?

  Her mother stepped into the room, her face pained.

  “Miss, did you know you were pregnant?”

  Her heart started to race. Pregnant? She was pregnant? Maybe everything would be alright. The possibility filled her heart. She’d be the mother of Sean’s child. This would fix everything. It was perfect news at a very bad time.

  She and Sean could be together now. Her mother would see— she did know what love was. Sean would love being a father.

  Her smile brightened as the nurse clutched her hand. “I didn’t know,” she replied. “But I’m thrilled.”

  “Miss Gladstone.” The woman covered her soft hand with hers. “Sweetie, can you hear me?”

  Marissa smiled again. This really was the best news. If only Sean were here to celebrate.

  But something in the nurse’s demeanor wasn’t right.

  “Mrs. Gladstone, we’re going to admit your daughter while she delivers.”

  Marissa tried to scoot up . “Admit me, why?”

  The nurse looked at her mother and then back at her. Marissa’s mother began to cry. She rushed to the bed as the nurse left. “Sweetie you were pregnant. Very pregnant. About four months. But you’re not anymore.”

  Marissa turned away from her mother, her tears burning her eyes.
“What do you mean I’m not pregnant anymore? What’s happening?”

  “You miscarried. Sometime last night.”

  She couldn’t speak. But she suddenly remembered— the tremors, the cramps and the starvation. Oh God, she had killed her child. She had killed a baby. Sean’s baby.

  Her mother sat on her bed but Marissa couldn’t respond. Her eyes glazed over and she refused to speak. The details of the visit were still a blur.

  Her mother tried to help but Marissa was too depressed to care. She didn’t know if the Moffit’s knew about the baby or the hospital visit. Marissa was still banned from seeing Sean. If and when he returned from tryouts, what would she tell him? How could she look at him and say that she had killed their child?

  Marissa was paralyzed by guilt.

  And Sean was desperate for answers. He came by the house but Mrs. Gladstone wouldn’t let him in. He shouted outside Marissa’s window, yelling and pleading for her to come out. But Marissa lay silent in bed, full of sorrow. Her heart was crushed and she couldn’t bring herself to go on.

  The following day, Sean climbed through her bedroom window. His head fell against Marissa’s body as his cries woke her from her sleep. Marissa didn’t move. He wrapped his arms around her and kissed her head. His only promise was this: “It’s gonna be okay. I’m gonna make it all better.”

  When Mrs. Gladstone opened the door the next morning, and saw Sean in bed with her daughter, the explosives fired up again. She picked up a pan from the kitchen and swung at Sean until he ran from the house.

  That visit home had cost him everything. He’d lost his contract to play ball and his parents had shut him out of their house. From what Marissa gathered, he’d stayed with Jeremy for the last week. That’s when he’d got a call from a Chicago team. He’d sent multiple emails to all of her accounts with the message about Chicago. They’d all said the same thing. “I love you, and I’ll be back to take you with me.”

  Mrs. Gladstone and the Moffit’s worked together to keep their children apart. Mrs. G had Marissa transferred to a private all girls’ school. She gave specific instructions that Sean Moffitt was not allowed on campus or anywhere near her daughter. That was an easy request since the school had dorms and a security guard at the entrance. She threatened the Moffit’s with a restraining order and the charges of statutory rape. Those charges would wreak havoc on Sean’s career, so the Moffit’s complied.

  A month later Sean returned for Marissa. He approached the school in his baseball uniform and told the guard he was there to apply for a coaching position. They were eager to let him in.

  The guard gave the ball player directions to the main building. He waited in the parking lot for Marissa, sending her a text when he arrived. She remembered the message, which was still saved on her phone. She pushed back the iron gate and walked toward him slowly.

  Sean slid his hands in his pockets and looked at Marissa. She folded her arms around him as he buried his head in her hair. “Riss, I am so sorry this happened to you.”

  He cried on her shoulder. She could tell from his embrace that he was more broken up over losing the baby than what had happened in their absence. He held her and played with the tips of her hair as he promised to get her to Chicago. But Marissa remained silent.

  She clung to his words for strength but her heart was completely shattered. Sean told her he had only learned about the baby recently and that his parents had not told him what was wrong. He told her that he’d named the baby Kelly; this way it could be an Irish girl or boy. He said that he thought about both of them every day. And that he missed their old life, when it was all about them and not about baseball and responsibilities.

  Marissa was confused by such a statement. What did he mean? She pulled her head back from his and looked into his eyes. Sean would not look at her. “I gotta go,” he said. “My plane leaves in about an hour.”

  Without a kiss or an embrace, her arms slumped to her sides. Her heart ached as Sean walked away. She watched as he got in his car. There was no hope in his voice, no stating his intentions. Was he coming back for her? Was he going to do as he promised? Did he still love her?

  She couldn’t ask. He said nothing. And that’s what she had, a memory of, him leaving while saying nothing. And just like that Sean Moffitt walked out of her life forever.

  It was all her fault.

  ~~~

  The rustle of a piece of paper woke Marissa from her nap. She rolled over only to hear it crinkle beneath her. She sat up and wiped her eyes. What time was it?

  She batted the sleep from her eyes and gazed at the wall clock. It read 12:05 p.m.

  She patted the bed for the paper. She turned it around, trying to focus. It was wrinkled from end to end. An immediate swell rose within her, as if a giant hand had scooped her up. She ran her fingers over the initials in the corner. Hawke had drawn a picture.

  He’d captured a likeness of Marissa as if he were sitting beside her while she slept. Her eyes were closed in the rendering but she knew the face was hers. There was a father’s hand reaching towards the forehead in the drawing, showing the peace and love she’d felt from her father. The picture reminded her of his attentive ways when she was home sick. He was a gentle man, usually keeping eye contact and placing his hand on her cheek and forehead to take her temperature. Oh how she missed that loving touch.

  She’d give anything to have had her Dad there when she lost the baby. He would have understood. He wouldn’t have ostracized her the way her mother had. He would have talked with Sean too, and not just banned him from the house.

  The drawing was a gift. It was a healing reminder that although she missed her father terribly, he was right there in her memory for all time.

  She felt his arms around her when Hawke held her close that morning. She gushed with emotion just thinking about it. Hawke was right. She needed to find the parts of her heart that were broken and put them back together. She wanted to feel like the girl in the picture. She wanted that peace and assurance that he spoke of that morning.

  9 Closer

  The afternoon flew by. Marissa enjoyed a small lunch, sitting next to her new favorite person. She was so wrapped up in the drawing and Hawke’s invitation to go skating, that she forgot all about Stephanie, Evan— and even Sean.

  She was confident now that yes, she wanted to start a new page in her life, one that may include God. She noticed how the band seemed to calm her, rather than upset her as it did before.

  Hawke kept his eyes on her while he played the drums. She watched him maneuver the sticks and used them as a guide to somehow connect with the songs and understand them in a deeper way.

  When Rod got up to speak, the hush in the room reminded her of the drawing. She wanted Hawke to guide her through the message but Rod made it easy. “God gives life. And He has a purpose for each one of you.”

  Marissa leaned forward, absorbing every sentence. “I’m not here to persuade you. But I’ve been there. I want you to stop looking in the mirror and comparing yourself to others. Stop declaring what you hate, what you are not and what you won’t ever be. Switch your focus. Take hold of the things you want. Ask Jesus to remove the beliefs and memories that have hurt you.”

  She wasn’t sure what God could do, since she didn’t know Him. But Rod was sure of Him and so was Hawke. And regardless of how loony it sounded, they had something she didn’t— which was emotional freedom. And that is exactly what she wanted.

  The truth weighed on her. Sitting in her seat, she could not deny the attraction she felt for Hawke. An attraction she never shared with Sean. As she began to compare the two boys, she considered Sean and all his faults. Was he really what she wanted? Was he possibly just a safety net? A net that collapsed and trapped her here, in search of the real healing.

  Her therapist had told her that this depressed state was just an emotional shield. Marissa thought the woman was wrong. It wasn’t her escape; she’d been through so much. She couldn’t handle anymore. But if she were depre
ssed, why did it lift when she came to Campo Station?

  Was it because of Hawke? Was it the music? What was it? The truth spread as she repeated it. I am not depressed, I am not lonely. I am free.

  Rod closed his sermon with six little words that altered Marissa’s world. “So let go and grab God.”

  When the meeting closed in prayer, all heads were bowed. Instead of looking around, Marissa closed her eyes and whispered her first sentence to heaven. “God, I’m here. Please fix me.”

  ~~~

  Hawke asked Marissa to meet him down by the skating pond. With her new boots laced up and her sunglasses atop her head, she trailed out of the lodge and into the bright sun. The birds serenaded her as she waltzed along the property line to the water. There was a steep incline between the main house and the fields below.

  The laughter from the pond echoed up the trail as the snow crunched beneath her boots. The hurts that surfaced that morning were no longer there. She adjusted to the lack of guilt that normally escorted her and actually felt her cheeks spread into a warm smile. The sounds of teasing and gleeful screams echoed up the hill, the giddy commotion reminding her of the fun she and Sean had had during her freshman year.

  But those memories didn’t linger. She found herself wanting to make new ones. She watched a group of kids circle the ice like a flock of seagulls. Each one wobbled and laughed as the boys teased the girls and chased them to the edge. Her smile deepened at the innocence and glee of the moment.

  She may have been at the brink of adulthood, but her life wasn’t over. She could still go to design school. The applications were in her drawer at home. Her new attitude would certainly help to make things more positive. Maybe if she stopped thinking about how bad life was she’d feel the way she did now. And if times got tough she could remember this moment, and the beauty and promise that surrounded her.

  Marissa took a mental picture of the camp. Nature was the best medicine. The mountain air, the footprints of deer ¾ it was the perfect place to put her heart at ease. In one way she was glad she didn’t see Hawke yet. He seemed to distract her from all this beauty. Maybe they could relish it together.