Collapse: The Tale of Waking Marissa

by Jessica L. Gaffney

  Marissa toppled into the other couple as she lunged toward Evan. “You shut your mouth.”

  Her defenses flared. “I mean it. You say one more thing and I’ll tell everybody what you did to Mrs. Gorski two summers ago.”

  Evan jolted his chin up, “Keep your girlfriend away from me Hawke, before she gets hurt.”

  “Keep talking.” She whirled her finger in the air. “Show everybody here what a dumb jock you are.”

  Evan kept jesting. “What’s the matter Hawke? You gotta have your girlfriend defend you?”

  Corbin and Kirsten came up the stairs as the tension flared.

  “What’s the matter? You afraid to fight?” Evan pushed his way out of line as the other kids stared.

  Corbin stepped in. “That’s enough, Evan.”

  Hawke cupped Marissa’s hands in his, but inside her blood ran like fire. Evan had never embarrassed her so badly nor had she ever seen him so out of control and pretentious. And to think that Hawke put up with it for two years!

  The line moved and Marissa and Hawke took their distance from Evan. Something was obviously bothering him. Kirsten thought it may have to do with Stephanie and however she’d reacted to Evan last night.

  The morning meal was enjoyable, but Marissa was more interested in the man beside her than anything else. So far Hawke was so attentive she thought she was the star of a Disney fairy tale. He pulled her chair out, unwrapped the silverware, poured her a glass of juice, salted her eggs and was now stirring in the creamer for her morning coffee.

  “Would you like creamer?” The spoon was dwarfed in his hand as he scooped two sugars into her mug. Watching him stir the cream, she observed the bulging veins in his hands and knuckles he had taped together.

  She was just about to ask about the tape when a stranger slunk down in the chair across from them. “Are these seats taken?”

  “No.” Hawke chewed as he answered.

  The young boy reached across the table. “I’m Jared.”

  Hawke scooted back and shook the boy’s hand. “I’m Hawke, this is Marissa.”

  The boys gelled immediately. Some other guys sat down.

  “Are you hitting the pipes today?”

  “Yeah, are you?”

  “Of course. They don’t have anything like this in Jersey.”

  “That’s where we’re from. What city?”

  Marissa listened intently as someone other than a St. Steven’s attendee spoke with Hawke. She’d never seen him outside his usual environment. It was exciting to see him talk it up with this kid like they’d known each other for years.

  “How long you been boarding?” Jared asked.

  “Since I was ten, how about you?”

  “I started at thirteen. This is my third season. If you have time later, maybe you could show me and my buddy some tricks?”

  Hawke looked to Marissa for approval. “It’s fine by me. What do you think?”

  His syrupy smile was darling. She agreed. “I’d love to watch you. Let’s do it.”

  She continued to listen as someone other than Corbin interacted with Hawke. The boys told jokes and balanced their cups in a pyramid. It took skill to drink all that water and juice to pile them two and half feet high.

  As the jokes went on, Hawke got lost in the laughter. Marissa let down her guard and just laughed for all it was worth. And to her surprise, she hadn’t even noticed the group of girls admiring Hawke from the adjoining table. Hawke didn’t pay attention either. In fact, without her even asking, he made his own statement to the giddy onlookers. He took a sip of Marissa’s water, smiled her way and rested his arm behind her chair. She immersed herself in his devotion. Sean would have smiled back and encouraged the flirting, telling Marissa it was just his way.

  When the table cleared, Hawke helped Marissa with her jacket and led her out to the bus. The charters for both groups were parked side by side. The boys walked out with the couple and made tentative plans to meet up around 1 p.m. at the cafeteria nearest the half pipe.

  Marissa was somewhat jealous of the time restraint but it was nice to be around people who didn’t shove Hawke’s past in his face. That was important. Besides, the way things were going, she was not the weekend fling she first thought she was. Things were developing quickly and maybe today would make things official.

  Hawke babied her as they got on the bus. He made sure she had a hat, gloves, sunglasses, a water bottle for the ride, two hand warmers and sunscreen.

  As they climbed up the steps he whispered from behind. “Are you ready for Neverland?”

  She felt the hair on the back of her neck stand up. It was only supposed to do that in the movies.

  His eyes radiated a flint of passion as he stared down at her. Her stomach was already swirling and they hadn’t even been alone yet.

  Hawke led her to the back of the bus. Even in her fitted pants she did not feel him staring at her. It’s like he was in love with her and respected her both as a person and a woman. How refreshing.

  Marissa was not a sex kitten but Sean liked to make her feel that way. She’d only been with him but after a few years of that behavior she learned things are better left for marriage. At least that’s what her mother told her. “You will never get over the shame if you make yourself a toy to some boy and your relationship ends,” her mother had said. “The memories don’t leave you.”

  She held onto that statement. Keeping her hands off Hawke was already hard and this was not even 48 hours into seeing him. They were taking off like a rocket. She had to slow it down.

  “Looks like someone has a crush.” She pointed to Burton as he sat down by Brianna.

  Hawke smiled, looking only at her. “He’s not the only one.”

  She nudged him. “You are a flirt!”

  His eyes didn’t move. “Actually, I am nothing of the sort. Honest.”

  Marissa could barely stand it. Yesterday he was so reserved. Today he took every chance to tell her he was smitten. She tucked her hair behind her ear and read his serious grin. Everything in her wanted to jump Hawke. What else was she supposed to do with the wave of hormones that crashed over her?

  She repeated the statement to herself again. No toy to a boy.

  Marissa sat beside him trying to resist his cologne, but he had sprayed another fragrance on their way out of the lodge. This one was even better than yesterday.

  Together they watched the rest of the group board the bus. Jedd stormed up the steps with an announcement. “Ladies, I’m here for your bidding, massage or any other dirty deeds you need.”

  He smiled big and waited for the offers, to which no one replied. The bus was unusually quiet on the ride. Where was Evan? Stephanie was missing too.

  “Where’s my nemesis?”

  Hawke read her lips. “Your who?”

  “Stephanie and Evan. Where are they?”

  “Not everyone skis. So two of the chaperones stay behind while everyone else hits the slopes.”

  Her heart lightened. “So we don’t have to deal with them all day?”

  “Right.” He tapped the tip of her nose.

  The bumpy ride tossed Marissa back and forth like a buoy in the water. When they arrived at the ski resort, Hawke attached the lift pass to her jacket and searched beneath the bus for his gear.

  He dropped three quarters in her hand. “Here, get us a locker and I’ll go get your stuff.”

  “But my form -- I need to fill it out.”

  “I’ll do it. I just need your shoe size.”

  “A seven,” she said, watching him walk away. She turned back and stared at the wall of pale gray compartments. She needed a number she could remember. But not one associated with Sean. “Ah ha!” She dropped the quarters in number 220 and voila ¾ it opened.

  February twentieth was Friday’s date. That was the first time she’d seen Hawke since last spring. It was a day she would remember.

  Hawke returned with her rental gear and Marissa had everything stored. She slid her Nordic boots over h
er wool socks and stood up. “I’m ready.”

  She shut the locker and clobbered up behind him as they headed for the slopes.

  14 Bring on the Snow

  Marissa was no match for Hawke on her first run down the hill. She bobbed and weaved while he soared side to side, barely finishing in a close second. “Not bad, Missy. Not bad at all.”

  She gloated at her speed and accuracy. “Well I am just getting warmed up, you just wait.”

  Her face tightened. “What did you just call me?”

  “Missy.” He flipped up his shades. “Would you mind if I called you that? It sort of fits.”

  “It really fits.” And it had a nice ring to it. “I love it.”

  Hawke freed his leg and shimmied to the next lift. “You ready to head to the top?”

  “One more practice run,” she said. “But this time, let’s race for real.”

  “Ooh,” he taunted. “Competitive are we?”

  “You have no idea,” she laughed. “And no cheating.”

  “You’re on.”

  Marissa took a hard turn when Hawke leapt off a jump. She tucked low to gain speed and whizzed in front of him. He skirted to the left, setting up another jump about forty yards ahead. Marissa made her move. She soared ahead while he got some air off the side. She turned to see if he was gaining on her but didn’t keep her eyes on the tracks ahead. She screamed as the pine trees stood before her like a massive army.

  “Missy, turn!”

  She threw her weight to the side and slid over the snow into the wall of ice. “That was graceful,” she joked as he stopped thirty feet ahead of her.

  “You alright?”

  “Yeah,” She pushed herself up. “These bindings sure are loose.”

  He trudged up toward her. “Yeah, well they do that for reckless riders.” He helped her steady as she clipped her boot back on the ski. “I didn’t think we were really racing.”

  “Well I did,” she scoffed. “So much for that.”

  He gripped her arm. “Let’s take it slow.”

  Hawke escorted Marissa down the slope and over to a different lift. The ride to the top gave them plenty of time to talk. She folded her hands in her lap and took a deep breath before asking. “You don’t have to answer this if you don’t want to, but I‘ve been wondering about your story. How’d you get into all that mess?”

  “You mean dealing drugs?”

  She shifted in her seat. “Yeah. It’s just not something I can see you doing.”

  Hawke tried to smile but she knew he was embarrassed. “You don’t have to answer me. It’s not a big deal.”

  “Well, it’s a long story. But you deserve to know.”

  Marissa prepared herself for the facts. Good or bad she promised not to judge him. She wanted to know the story and he trusted her, so she needed to give him some respect and let him tell the whole ordeal.

  “I was clean when we met— you know that.”

  She nodded.

  “I guess the whole thing started back when I needed money for boarding. My parents were volatile and I wanted out of the house. No one would drive me to a job and Jeremy was always boarding on the weekends. He had a job.”

  “So one weekend he and his buddies let me tag along. I think I was fourteen. Some of the kids were high when I got in the van. Others tried it once we settled into the motel they rented. Before I knew it, they wanted me to pick up the stuff for them. They were so high that I decided to tell them it was more money when I got there. I kept the difference.”

  “Next thing I knew, I was dealing to them. At first they made me do the runs to pay for my expenses.”

  “So why’d you keep doing it?” Marissa interrupted. “I mean, didn’t your brother stick up for you?”

  “Jeremy’s a mean drunk. He would have locked me out of the hotel if I said no. And it wasn’t worth the hassle to tell my parents. They wouldn’t believe me anyway.”

  “So when did you get hooked? Or did you get hooked?”

  “Oh I got bit all right. But it was after my arrest. It happened so fast. I was already convicted, so nothing mattered to me. A lot of pressure built up on me. I was living in the house alone; I had no food and no money.”

  “For how long?”

  “I dabbled for a few weeks, then the next thing you know I was on everything I could swallow. From over-the-counters to meth and some hard stuff I took up at Jer’s frat. I woke up a few mornings and didn’t even know where I was.”

  “Oh God. Then why’d you keep going up to your brother’s when you got clean?”

  “Cause I cared about him. I didn’t want to be one of those people who had to avoid the party scene just to stay clean. I found the answer to my problems and wanted Jeremy to do the same.”

  “So most of the stuff Sean told me was a lie. You weren’t dealing up there.”

  “No. Only a few times but it was to keep someone safe. You can buy stuff that will kill you if you don’t know what’s out there.”

  Marissa sighed. “It can all kill you.”

  “You’re right. But at the time, I didn’t care about that either.”

  She put her hand on his knee. “I’m glad you aren’t living like that anymore. It must have been awful.”

  “St. Steven’s, Rod and Corbin saved my life. They stayed by me when my parents left. Kirsten and Corbin took me into their home.”

  Her eyes widened. That was some commitment they made. They couldn’t do that for everybody. “Wow.”

  “How about you?” he asked. “What happened with you?”

  She pulled her hand away. “I don’t know. I miss my Dad; He was my everything. My Mom and I never really got along. I always thought she was jealous of the time my Dad spent with me. He wanted a son, so rather than lob me off, he did everything I wanted to do. Then they had the twins and life became all about her. My dad was gone and because of my mom’s age, the responsibility fell on me. My Dad traveled a lot; he was a commercial truck driver. When I was little, he took me on a few trips along the coast.”

  “Really? Did you go anywhere special?”

  She smiled. “Yes, he took me to Maine. I loved that. I got to sit up front and play with the CB radio. It was cool. And I didn’t have my mom telling me what to do.”

  “Look at you,” he squeezed her hand. “You should talk about him more often. You’re lit up like a Christmas tree.”

  “You think?”

  “I know.” He said regally.

  “Well let me tell you, the lights were off for a very long time.”

  Hawke pulled her close to him and kissed the top of her head. “That makes them even brighter when they come back on.”

  She leaned into his arm and studied the tree tops in the wind. He nuzzled her head, and she took in the moment of solace. “You’re amazing and you don’t even know it.”

  She nuzzled even closer to him. “I wish none of our life happened until right now.”

  Their conversation ended as the gondola reached the top. Marissa followed Hawke, unsure what trail he would choose. But whichever one it was, she would surely follow.

  Hawke was just as attentive at the rental shop as he had been at breakfast and with her skis.

  She sat on the wooden bench in front of the lockers and waited for him to return with her gear. She was on cloud nine and climbing.

  He laced up her boots, changed out her hand warmers and rechecked everything again. “You ready?”

  She was beaming. “Yeah, I’m ready.” But she was referring to more than snowboarding.

  He slipped on his gloves and smiled. “You do know you’re gonna fall? A lot.”

  She shook her head. “Any chance you got some Advil before we start?”

  “No,” he laughed. “But that’s a good idea.”

  After his brief lesson on the terms, skate, heel slide, and steps, Hawke showed Marissa how to get on and off the lift. He had her practice walking with it on one foot, and then keeping momentum. “This is not like skiing. We’re not g
onna make it down and be happy. You have to learn to move.”

  She felt like an idiot.

  Hawke promised to show her more once they got to the top of the bunny slope— well, bunny bump, as she called it.

  She steadied herself by clutching onto his wrist. Thank God her gloves were on or she’d dig into his arm with her nails. “This is totally different.”

  “Yep. Your leg’s going to be sore too, from the weight of the board.”

  She could see that. But it was a small price to pay for spending the day with Hawke and his favorite sport. “This is your favorite thing to do, right?”

  “Used to be. Now it’s drumming.”

  She was puzzled. “Seems kind of boring compared to this.”

  He shook his head. “I’m chasing a whole new adrenaline on those skins. Trust me. I’ll fill you in later.”

  Her eyes were glued to the approaching landing. “Okay now glide off, straight.”

  There was a slow whoosh to her movement as she stepped off the lift. Hawke moved her to the right and out of harm’s way. He stopped a few feet in front of her. “Now, keep your shoulders over the deck. This is your neutral balance position.”

  She took a few steps with the board. “How’s that feel?”

  “Kind of like a skate board.”

  “A slow skate board, I hope. Now, if you want to turn left, do it with your shoulder like I showed you.”

  Her boot was not strapped in, so she felt a bit unsafe. But with his hands on her back he stood up, trying to give her just enough momentum to get going. “Just like this. Let your body pull you down the hill. You ready to try this?”

  “I’m ready,” she stammered, wishing she still had her ski poles.

  “Alright. Stay close to me. We’ll take it nice and steady.”

  She made the sign of the cross and kissed her fingers before she trailed down behind him. Side to side, she did it. The other skiers maneuvered around the newcomer.

  “Watch me.” He raised his shoulders to turn left and right.

  “That’s good.”

  She wobbled. “This is weird.”

  He turned on his board and started down. “You’ll be fine.

  Just stay loose.”