Collapse: The Tale of Waking Marissa

by Jessica L. Gaffney

  The sea inside her settled as her words resonated deeply. She knew now that God had been waiting to rescue her. She stayed there, leaning forward for just a moment. The cave of her hair hid her face from the rest of the room. Unable to see them, she steadied herself in the peace that rested around her.

  Marissa was not alone in the moment. Her angels, the ones given to guide her from birth, stepped closer and placed their hands on her head. The pathways of her mind seemed to swell with healing. Their faces reflected the awe and joy of answering her immediate prayer. They poured a bowl of light and peace inside her, which could never be removed. A swirl of cleansing rushed through her body and carried away the darkness.

  When Rod’s prayer ended, he sent the kids to their small groups. “If no one in your small group went up, I want you to talk openly about why you didn’t go.”

  Marissa felt a twinge of regret. Why didn’t she go? She wanted to but she was too overwhelmed.

  Corbin hugged her as she fumbled her way up the aisle. Hawke stayed on stage as the groups dispersed. Her heart was heavy yet comforted; she was glad he could see her, but talking was another matter.

  Burton and Stephanie joined from the side. Both of them looked dazed. There was no sadness on their faces, only a sigh of relief and smiles she had not seen before. She wanted that for herself. Her smile met theirs as Corbin ushered them to sit along the wall.

  With her knees drawn up to her chest, she listened intently as Corbin sat in front of the group. “This is our last night, guys. While there is always time for you to rectify your life, this weekend we wanted to share that with you. Some of you know why you didn’t go up there, others may be experiencing this for the first time. Either way, no one has to miss out on this opportunity. We are setting the atmosphere for you to reach out and feel something you won’t find anywhere else.”

  Stephanie drew her knees to her chest. “I went up tonight because I’ve been holding on to something.” Her hands dropped to her lap as she pulled at the edge of the tissue. “And no matter how hard I’ve tried, I couldn’t let go.”

  She paused and took a breath. Looking up at the ceiling, she continued. “I needed God to take it from me, because I was afraid it would never leave.”

  Stephanie sniffled and smiled. “I saw the chance to let go of someone who hurt me really bad. So I took it.”

  Corbin put his hand on her shoulder. “I am so glad you did.” She leaned closer to him as he gave her a fatherly hug.

  Marissa smiled, wanting to feel that , too.

  Burton spoke up. “It’s not stupid to go up there. I know I never went before, but now I wish I did.”

  Stephanie nodded in agreement, shedding another tear. “If I knew it was that easy, I would have given things to God a long time ago.”

  Corbin looked around the group. “We all have things in our lives that brought us shame or hurt.”

  The group got quiet. Each kid seemed to reflect on his or her own experience— it was refreshing to feel that connected. If Marissa had felt this connected to the girls at school, perhaps she wouldn’t have held onto her pain for so long.

  “Sometimes pain defines us.”

  Marissa sat up. Was that her voice? Did she just speak that aloud?

  Her throat closed in embarrassment.

  Corbin added, “You’re right, Marissa.”

  Her heart fluttered as her mind raced. I cannot believe I just did that!”

  Burton fiddled with the laces of his boot. “Don’t let anyone talk you out of it. Your friends aren’t worth it. You can tell them I said that.”

  Marissa was full of questions. “How did you know if God was calling you up front? How could they stand there with all those eyes watching them as if they were on trial? What did it feel like?”

  Burton focused on her. “It’s feels like time stops. The minute you get up, you forget about everyone around you. It’s like you’re walking on clouds. You want the answer. You’re determined.”

  He looked around the group. “The adrenaline just draws you. It’s not scary; it’s like receiving an award but the only eyes on you are Heaven’s.”

  Stephanie jumped in. “That’s true. And you realize God’s been there all along, waiting for you.”

  Corbin nodded slowly. “It’s intense.”

  Marissa knew intense. The only thing she’d experienced thus far was grief. And that was growing. It started with her Dad and poured into the baby. It was magnified every time something catastrophic happened. And instead of living life waiting for something else to come around the corner, she wanted a relationship with Jesus that would advise her on making better choices. And at this point, she wanted to make better choices, even if Hawke wasn’t one of them.

  It would be quite a change if that was true, but she didn’t want to get hurt again. No one does.

  Corbin folded his hands and imparted his wisdom. “Some of you may be worried that you missed something at home; that coming on this trip was a waste of time, but you are wrong. Each of you is right where you need to be.” He leaned in. “God has touched the hearts and minds of some of you. And there is no other thing on earth like it. It’s an experience your friends can’t compete with. There is no drug, no girl, no party— nothing that can compare to the all-knowing, super powerful love of God touching your human mind and body.”

  Marissa’s head was spinning. She didn’t know how it was possible and didn’t really understand it. But she knew her pain was real and now some of it was gone. Her dreams and sleep had been raided for eight months and now she felt at peace. How long would it last? That she didn’t know. But she wanted it to stay forever.

  Corbin and the group held hands as he closed with a prayer. Though she listened, she pictured her father standing by her bed. As Corbin’s blessing hovered over them, she was reminded of her Dad’s abiding love and childlike prayers. A sensation of fire encircled her and she felt the little girl inside begin to mourn. She missed her daddy. But her daddy had paved the way for her being there tonight.

  Her heart was sad but smiling, and it showed on the outside. She would not conceal the peace she received. She beamed on the inside as she closed her eyes and recited this simple prayer. “God, take me in Your arms and forgive me for my sin. Keep me safe; open my mind and my heart to see You and love You. Amen.”

  17 Broken Ego

  What was happening in the parking lot resembled a riot with rogue snowballs, screaming girls and sneak attacks. Kirsten braved the conditions as she led Stephanie and Marissa to the main lodge for a cup of hot chocolate before lights out.

  Their chatter stopped halfway across the lot as they scurried by the buses and utility van. Marissa’s heart was full. She tipped her head up to the sky to say thank you, when the majesty of the northern sky lit up her face.

  “This is a sailor’s dream. It’s the perfect night,” she said.

  Stephanie huddled closer to Kirsten. “Yes, but it is cold out here.”

  By the time the girls got up to the cafeteria, Stephanie was rambling about getting married and how many children she wanted.

  Marissa didn’t want to lose her peace, so she switched gears. “How old were you when you got married?” she asked Kirsten.

  “Twenty-three, and we’re celebrating seven years this fall.”

  “Wow. That’s pretty young these days.”

  Kirsten retrieved three mugs. “Yeah it is. But I don’t regret it.”

  “Is it nice to be married?” Marissa asked.

  “Well, we don’t have any kids so I think we have an easier time than some couples, but we’re sad, too, since we can’t have children.”

  Marissa felt her moment of peace drop. “I didn’t know that. I am so sorry.”

  Kirsten dispersed the hot water and shook each packet of hot chocolate. “It’s okay. We plan to adopt someday. We just want to make sure it’s right.”

  Stephanie curled up on the cafeteria chair as if she were on a talk show. “What do you mean? If you are accepted you
will just pick a child, right?”

  “Wrong.” Marissa spoke out of turn again. What was up with her?

  Stephanie looked away, not sure what Marissa would say next.

  Placing her mug on the table, Marissa tapped its rim and looked at Kirsten— who until this point was only making small talk. “Guess I haven’t thought about that in a while.”

  Kirsten reached for her hand again. “Marissa. Is something bothering you about this?”

  Marissa spoke softly, hoping the rim of her mug would conceal her words. “I just know a couple things about adoption. I looked it up this year, at school.”

  Stephanie interrupted. “For a project or because of Sean?”

  Marissa frowned, and Kirsten looked confused. “Who’s Sean?”

  Marissa took a deep breath. “She’s talking about my ex. We were engaged last summer.”

  Kirsten was stunned. “That’s so young. What happened?”

  She put her head on her hand and rested it on the table as if she were in class. Where did she begin? Should she drop the bomb and get it over with?

  “Do you remember when our high school won the baseball state championships two years in a row? The paper did a big spread on this local athlete who was awarded scholarships to a few Ivy League schools. Well my ex-boyfriend, Sean, was the boy in the article.

  Kirsten shook her head. “That doesn’t sounds familiar, but maybe Corbin knows him.”

  “Either way,” she fiddled with the mug handle, “he was the one who saved me from drowning in a lake near my house.”

  “Wow,” she replied. “What happened with you guys?”

  “Can’t say, really. One day we were celebrating, the next day our parents forbid us to see each other. I was devastated.”

  “Do you guys still talk?”

  Marissa shook her head. “I haven’t seen or heard from him in six months.”

  Kirsten sat back. Marissa knew what she was thinking. Kids fall in love too early and get their hearts broken. She was right. Marissa understood that now. But no one can stop themselves from falling in love, or at least puppy love. It just happens.

  Stephanie excused herself for the night and Marissa felt the moment approach. She wanted Kirsten to hear it from her and not from Hawke, or during a dinner conversation at their house. She pushed her mug away and scooted forward. Leaning on the table, she breathed deeply and began to tell her tale.

  “Sean and I were together for three years. He was the one who told me about my Dad. It was a terrible time. But just having him there made me feel better. I think I thought I could fight off the sadness by keeping him around.”

  She nodded. “Yeah, I could see that. But what’d your Mom say? She must have tried to help you.”

  “My Mom’s been too busy raising my twin sisters.”

  “Oh, Marissa.” Kirsten scooted closer. She felt the motherly embrace of this kind woman and let her arms pull tightly against her. It felt good to have someone care, to have a maternal figure in her life— even if it didn’t last.

  Marissa hugged her harder and let the tears fall. “It feels like everybody leaves. Sean promised to come back for me but he never did. And my Dad -- I never got to say goodbye.”

  Kirsten pushed back Marissa’s hair. “I am so sorry. Hawke said you had been through a lot in your life. He wasn’t kidding.”

  Marissa clasped her hands together. “He knows all this dirt and I know he has his own, but that’s what seems to bring us together.”

  Kirsten’s smile lifted her spirits as she continued. “We’re both screwed up and it feels good to admit it.”

  Marissa leaned in. Talking about Hawke was so easy.

  Kirsten handed her a tissue and looked into her starry eyes. “So how did you and Hawke meet?”

  Marissa laughed. “Actually, Hawke’s brother Jeremy was Sean’s roommate. So we were together quite often.”

  Kirsten tipped her head back. “You’re kidding.”

  “I’m not.”

  “God certainly has a funny way of bringing people together, doesn’t He?”

  Marissa let those words linger. Maybe God did predestine relationships. She wasn’t quite sure that was a good thing. “Do you think God brought me here to see Hawke again?”

  “I don’t know,” Kirsten said softly. “It’s possible.”

  The back door swung open and Marissa heard the thunder of heavy steps plodding toward them. A strange voice called into the lodge. “There’s a fight. We need help.”

  Marissa darted for the door with Kirsten trailing behind. The chants and roar of a crowd came from the side parking lot. They leapt off the steps and charged toward the noise. It was coming from the utility van.

  Marissa could make out the taller boy: it was Hawke. Her heart was on fire. If he hit someone, he could go to jail. “Please God, no. Don’t take him away.”

  She picked up the pace and raced over the icy ground. With a skid she burst into the crowd and pushed her way forward. Everyone was shouting as the two boys danced around with their fists raised.

  The crowd jeered as Evan threatened to end Hawke’s life. The boys stood five feet from each other, anger distorting Evan’s face. What was he doing?

  Hawke kept his hand in front of his face to defend himself. Everyone could see that Evan was trying to draw him out. Evan jabbed to the right but missed. He swung again and Hawke darted back.

  Stephanie yelled to Marissa. “What are they doing? How did this start?”

  “I don’t know,” she sputtered. “I just left the lodge when Brianna came screaming around the corner.”

  Evan pulled his fist back and threw a punch, but Hawke caught his arm. He locked it up behind his back and used it as leverage to run him to the van. “Are you sure you want to do this?”

  He let Evan go and shuffled to the side.

  Evan shook out his arm. “I’m not afraid of you, Davies. You can’t take me down.”

  It looked like Evan was more interested in a good show than a fight. He rallied the onlookers with hype but Hawke stayed focused on the fight. He had told Marissa he could hold his own, and of that she was sure. She’d never seen a fight like this.

  “I’m giving you one more chance to walk away.”

  Evan held his fists up, ready to move in. “You’re a thug and a dealer and a liar. This has been coming your way for a long time.”

  Hawke rolled his shoulders. “I was. But not anymore.”

  Evan grimaced and Hawke stood back. He positioned himself by the van door.

  Evan cocked his closed fist and ran full force toward Hawke. With one step, Hawke slid out of dodge. Evan plowed his hand into the metal door. There was a loud snap and Evan dropped to the ground, writhing in pain.

  The adults scurried out from the lodge, yelling in protest. As the commotion died down, one of the kids from the other church leaned down and retrieved a miniature bag from the ice. “Looks like you dropped something.”

  Hawke wiped his nose as the crowd stared. He cast his eyes on Evan as the boy held out the bag. Hawke snatched it and stared down at Evan. “Did you bring this from home?”

  All eyes were on him.

  One of the kids from the other group spoke up, pinning Hawke as the culprit. “How do you know it’s his? That could have been in your pocket for all we know.”

  “No!” Marissa shouted. “It came out of Evan’s coat. We all saw it.”

  “I suggest you come clean, Evan. I’m through lying for you.” Hawke stepped over his limp body and forced his way out of the crowd.

  Corbin yelled. “Everybody inside now!”

  Jedd backed out of the group and headed for the main lodge.

  Kirsten put her hands on Marissa’s shoulders. Hawke walked toward her and uncurled his hand. She examined the bag but even Marissa knew what it was.

  Hawke’s voice quivered as they entered the lobby. His face was taut and his eyes red. “You know that’s not mine.”

  She pressed the bag into her hand and nodded. “I k
now, Hawke. We all know.”

  Marissa clung to his jacket but he removed her hold. “I need a minute,” he said, heading back outside.

  She looked at Kirsten and then followed him.

  Hawke crossed the parking lot with his shoulders down and his arms crossed. Marissa sped up, trying to maintain his pace. “Hawke, where are you going?”

  “Leave me alone.”

  Marissa didn’t understand. “No. I’m coming with you.”

  “No, you’re not.”

  “Hawke, please.”

  His voice was cold and empty. “Go inside, Marissa. This doesn’t concern you.”

  “Yes it does. It absolutely does.”

  Hawke spun on his heels and pointed to the lodge door. “I don’t want you following me. Didn’t you hear what I said? I want to be alone.”

  The motion light from the lodge glared at her as he crossed the walkway leading down to the fields and skating pond. “Please tell me where you are going,” she said. “It’s too dark down there.”

  He didn’t respond. She followed but he only picked up his pace. He was pulling away and she didn’t know what to do. “Hawke, why are you doing this? Why are you running away?”

  Hawke gripped the railing heading down to the pond. The motion light overhead kicked on and he looked back at her. Tears were streaming down his face. “Is that what you think I am doing?”

  Her heart tore. What did she say?

  He pulled his eyes from hers and crossed the roadway that led down to the pond. “Just let me be.”

  “But I want to help you,” she pleaded.

  He stared at her like a soldier leaving for war. “You can’t help me.” Then he turned into the shadows as his words plunged into her heart.

  She couldn’t let him leave. What was he thinking? “This isn’t your fault,” she insisted. “I’m not giving up on you.”

  The cold began to bite at her as frost formed on her fingers. A gust of northern wind blew through the campus. She gripped her own shoulders as Hawke moved away. With a steady pace he strolled away, just like Sean had that fall.

  She sucked in the night air as her lips began to tremble, emitting piercing sobs. Every fiber of her being wanted to run to Hawke and hold him. She wanted to break through his pain the way that God had done for her the day before. She wanted to bring him to that place where her frenzy of hurts spilled out and her cries exhausted her into a state of peace.