by A. Hart
Thankfully the anger overrode the hormones and I became braver. He had an ability to do that to me. He had this strange ability to make me braver, even if it was because I was pissed. I had been thinking of this man for a year, dreaming of him and honestly obsessing over him and I got a wave. What. The. Hell ...that was it... I was going to march over there and ask him where the Hell he had been. I was going to get answers and move on with my life if he wasn’t interested. God I hope he is still interested... but right then I mostly wanted to punch him in the stomach. I took a deep breath and had conversation with myself, that’s enough girl…pull it together. Let’s do this!
I mindlessly touched Sarah’s arm and whispered "I'll be right back", she gave me a look as she took a bite of her fried Oreo and yelled "where are you going weirdo?" I yelled back "Just....I'll be back." I began walking towards Cal and my shoes felt like they were filled with lead. I kept placing one foot in front of the next but it was painfully hard. Like walking through quicksand. I felt my knees get weak and my stomach turn. I tried to concentrate on looking “Sexy”….as if that was possible right now. I only had 30 minutes to take a shower, throw on a strapless turquoise cotton dress and flip flops, before Sarah rushed me out the door. I had ran my fingers through my soft hair (I was still getting used to that) and tried to remind myself that I was “cute”, even though I didn’t fully believe it, Cal had told me that once himself. I was counting on him still thinking that. Fingers crossed.
I strode towards him with a fake confidence. It felt like I was walking a mile, he felt so far as time slowed. All my anger washed out of me in a wave of emotion at his smile, damn it, that smile, it could move mountains. I was about 10 feet from him when I quirked my head to the side and smiled sarcastically, "um hi stranger". He stopped and took a deep breath and then smiled "hi...” I couldn’t help but watch his chest rise and fall. I wanted to bury my head in it. Although I was going to do something much less bold, my body must have taken over while my mind was thinking. The next thing I knew, my head was against his chest and his arms were around my waist.
I took a deep breath. I could feel his heart beating fast, his breath getting shallow, his chest, molded and hard. My whole body felt weak and I had to choke back tears. I was consumed with the relief that he was actually here and he was okay. I swallowed down my tears as he placed his chin on my head and his hand brushed my hair over my shoulder, my skin burned at his touch.
We sat there for at least a minute. Finally I built up the courage to look up at his soft blue eyes. He must have read my mind because he looked down at me at the same time. I stepped back a little and pulled my head back. He smiled as his fingers pinched the end of my frizzy hair. "I like the new addition..." I laughed quietly. “me too" I rubbed the top of his soft, fluffy head. He smiled "Yeah well I got tired of the maintenance." I laughed, body relaxed as if it remembered how comfortable I used to be with him.
I glared at him "You know I came over here to punch you in the gut and take your money..." He smiled "oh yeah? Harsh Em." I gave him a serious look but a sarcastic tone "Then I was going to go buy myself a strawberry Ice cream cone and eat it in front of you...” I smiled. He laughed as he placed his hand over his heart like I had wounded him “You know how to kick a guy while he’s down Em..." My heart skipped a beat again. I loved it when he called me that. He interrupted my moment with “but I am pretty sure you saw me devour a cone like two minutes ago.” And then a wink. Oh how he could make a girl blush with that boyish charm. The blood rushed to my head again as my fingers tingled with desire to touch him one more time.
Chapter Four
Calvin
Her arms were wrapped around my stomach and her head was pushed into my chest. It was so good to see her. To feel her. To hold her, like I did all those nights ago. My hands burned with the desire to touch her everywhere, to lift her head up and cover her mouth with mine. I was painfully aware of how much she missed me too and how her skin felt against mine.
My heart felt strong again. Like it was whole. Like the piece that had been missing was glued back in place. I felt stupid at the same time, to think that this girl, who I had only known for weeks, before not seeing her for over a year, had such an effect on me. It was crazy. I knew it was crazy and that I couldn’t say it out loud. Not yet. Not for a while. I held her there realizing that I needed to find a way to make her mine. I was leaving again and soon, but I’d be back. I'd make sure of it. I'd be damned if that’s what stopped us from being together.
If we weren’t together it wouldn’t be on me. It would be her call and I would respect it. I wanted her to be happy but mostly I just wanted her. All of her. All the time. I never wanted her to leave me from this moment and as I held her, the thought of her probably not wanting me back shot a pain through my chest. I wasn’t a man to cry. I was strong, capable and had faced awful things, rarely shedding a tear. But holding her here, safe, alive, breathing, after a year of praying every day, dreaming of her tortured face. Tears pushed against my eyelids and I clearedmy throat pushing them back down. I was overwhelmed with a grateful, peaceful calm.
As I looked down at her beautiful caramel eyes I thought of how she felt. She seemed to like our kiss all those nights ago and she seemed to enjoy our time together but she had been sick, vulnerable and lonely. She obviously missed me and cared for me but what if she just missed me as a person, as a friend. Who says she hadn’t moved on, who says that she hadn't realized that we weren’t meant to be or at least she didn’t think we were, because I knew in my gut that wasn’t true. I straightened up and told myself to pull it together.
She looked up at me and my heart melted. Did she understand what she was doing to me? She obviously didn’t because she shot me an adorable look that shook me. We stood talking for a little bit as she blew my mind with her cuteness.
We went back and forth with flirty banter and I caught myself searching for an engagement ring, nope, I had time. Even if there was another guy I would show her that I was the one for her but I prayed that I could just avoid that whole mess. She looked over at the group she had come from, they all looked at her whispering. She smiled at me “what are you doing right now?" I slid my hands in my pockets hoping it would hide my sweaty palms. "Spending time with you if, if that’s okay, I mean we could... “I cleared my throat trying to play it cool "we could go on some rides or get some food...unless..." I smiled calmly but panicked on the inside "Unless you have plans of course.” I shrugged my shoulders and shot her a pouty look.
She laughed "No no I don't have plans but I’ll need a ride home." I smiled like I had won a trophy, I tried to hold back my excitement. “I think I can do that."... "Ok then" she replied with a sweet smile "give me a second, let me tell my friends, they’re headed to some party" she made a sour face. "I didn’t want to go anyway...perfect excuse." I couldn’t help but watch the way she moved as she walked and even talked. I had never seen anyone be graceful and clumsy at the same time but somehow she pulled it off.
After a couple minutes she came back trotting towards me, her skin soft and glowing. “Okay let’s do this". I smiled. That’s exactly what I was just thinking except what I wanted to do was a little more "active” than she probably had in mind. Whatever she was talking about would have to do for now.
Chapter Five
Emerson
Cal and I walked around the fair, talking and laughing, waving randomly when we saw someone we knew. We grabbed some dinner from the greasy fried food booths. I got Fried pickles, a corn dog and cheesy fries. I felt like a behemoth when I turned around to see Cal with a small plate of nachos from the Mexican food booth and a lemonade. He smiled and lifted his nachos up with a quiet laugh. "Oh I didn’t realize you were getting me food...no thanks I have nachos” I elbowed his arm "very funny, I haven’t eaten since the beginning of my clinical last night...so excuse me while I shove my face." He laughed "it’s okay I would join you if I hadn’t already stopped at In-N-out on the way here from the airport, I ordered
a six by six." I laughed "Seriously...God. You pig!" I looked away shyly as my legs felt weak again at the sound of his booming laugh.
We managed to squeeze in across from each other at one of the many crowded picnic tables. We sat and ate, stealing pieces of each other’s food like old friends. He told me about some of the places he got to see during training and on his way to missions over the last year. He always veered off before telling me anything about his actual missions or where he had been during them. I know he wasn’t allowed to tell me exactly where he had been but honestly, I didn’t care, at least not at that moment. I was just glad to hear he had been busy or gone and unable to contact me and not that he chose not to.
I told him about my last couple months of Chemo. About my recovery and all the great people I met, about nursing school and my volunteer work at the nursing home. He asked me questions sometimes, wearing that sweet look of concern that made my soul dance. Mostly he let me talk. Sometimes he added in stories of his experiences as a paramedic before the army and the things he had seen recently while he traveled, like the Eiffel tower, and how he thought of me. His voice got quiet and raspy when he said it and his face almost sad looking. My heart sped up when he said he thought of me...I wanted to say "yeah that’s all I do. Think of you."
We must have been talking for a while because the sun was almost all the way down before I looked away from his gorgeous face. We had been out of food for a while and I was pushing around the pickle crumbs on my paper basket. Cal cleared his throat and looked at me as his hand fell on mine. My heart dropped. I stared at his lips as he took a deep breath and said "Em..." My eyes shot up to his and I choked back the tears again with a hard swallow. "Em...I...." He traced my face with his eyes, my lips to my jaw and back up to my eyes again, studying me. "I'm so sorry about how I left...." I pulled my hand away, afraid if I didn’t I was going to do something stupid and pour my heart out onto the table.
He adjusted his body to my pull and straightened up, clearly surprised by my quick withdraw. I smiled and looked at him. I opened my mouth to talk but he cut me off as he slid his hands onto the table, clenching his fingertips “I didn’t want to leave you, not like that...I just couldn’t bear saying good bye...” He took a deep breath as his hands slid back nervously. "You were asleep, I hadn’t seen you so peaceful since I met you. I didn’t want to take that from you... I’m sorry...If I could take it back…." His voice trailed off as I looked up at him with a tear in my eye. Damn it, hold it in Emerson...right now. Pull it the hell together! “Honestly Cal...It’s okay." But I couldn’t hold back the memory any longer, my mind flashed back to that night...
September 2nd 2011
I shot up gasping. The force pulled at my IV and I winced at the pain as I adjusted the cords. I sat holding my stomach with my free arm, not because of my chemo or the fact that my arm was on fire from all the pricks I had gotten that day. This was different. I had a pain in my gut. An awful feeling. My face felt hot and my mind foggy. I could feel my heart beating in my eyes. I calmed my breathing and told myself it was just a nightmare. I looked around as the nurses hustled down the hall, the sound of their white shoes squeaking against the shiny floors.
It was dark outside and in my room but the light from the hall pierced through my curtain. It was probably early morning. I looked at the clock, 2 am. I looked around for Cal anxiously. He had fallen asleep on my bed with me, holding me, after we had stayed up watching cheesy 90’s movies. He usually stayed each night, until mid-day when he would go see his family and then came back in the evening. He had two more days until he left. The thought of him leaving made me feel weaker than I ever had. He made me strong and over the past 3 weeks he had taught me so many things. I sat up and prepared my IV to walk with me. I grabbed my sweater and threw it on with the IV and cords hanging out of my sleeve. I put on my slippers and braced myself against the bed bar to stand up. I walked towards my door and looked around the hall. He wasn't there....Oh my God. He wasn’t there.
Panic washed over me. He would never leave without telling me. I told myself to calm down. I’m sure he just stepped out for a moment and I'd see him walking down the hall towards me with a box of donuts that he somehow sneaked in. I walked up to the nurse’s desk and put on my calm face. “Darcy have you seen Cal?” She turned her head and looked at me confused. "Ms. Emerson...Mr. Cal left 2 hours ago....he got a work call...he had to leave...he has a flight. I thought for sure he had woken you to tell you..."I looked at her. There the pain was again. I wrapped my free hand around my waist as I shook my head at her. My eyes welled up with tears. I held myself steady against the IV tower but my world was crashing around me and my vision was going blurry. I stared forward in shock. I spoke but it was like someone else was speaking “No he didn’t”
He was gone.
"Ms. Emerson, you ok?" Darcy asked me. I shook my head again and I felt my knees buckle. She rushed to my side and dark spots danced in front of my eyes, my hearing became distorted, like everyone was wearing those stupid synthesizer things that the bad guys wear in action movies. The nurses all rushed to my side, lifting me up and placing me back on my bed. I sat there bawling as they nudged and prodded me. Checking my heart rate, blood pressure. Finally I screamed in agony. The pain was unbearable. I had had surgeries, chemo and many painful spurts of cancer just being a bitch. I had always taken it like a champ but this took the cake. I couldn’t take it. My heart ached and my stomach felt like it was going to explode.
The nurses whispered as they tried to figure out how to help me. They asked each other if they should give me morphine. I saw enough through the waves of tears to see Darcy’s look of concern. I heard her say. "No...Unfortunately there is no pain meds for this...it’s a broken heart...” I think she said it so I could hear it on purpose, so I knew she knew. So I knew I wasn’t alone. The nurses shook their heads with sadness as they walked away. I heard the younger male nurse say "He left a girl with cancer without saying goodbye...that’s fucked up." and then I heard him gasp, probably from the elbow I saw Darcy fling in his direction. Darcy came over rubbed my arm and said "It’s going to be okay sweetie. You call me if you need anything, I’m just out the door." I nodded my head. I laid there, through the night...staring. Just staring....
After a couple days, the pain was bearable. I didn’t want to scream or cry. I just wanted to sit there and stare. The light was shining through the curtains from outside and I could hear chatter in the halls. Darcy brought me breakfast and laid it on the tray in front of me. I glanced down at it long enough to see that she had added a couple extra pieces of bacon than usual and a muffin. I wanted to smile at her but it just did nothing for me this time. I glanced at her and said softly "Thanks Darce." It took everything in me to talk.
I sat there almost the whole day. Just staring. I heard some of the nurses outside of my curtain talking. They worried that I was going to give up. That my broken heart was going to weaken me and I would regress. They may be right but I wasn’t suicidal. I was heartbroken but I wanted to live, if not to heal my heart and feel this way again. I wanted more. I knew that for sure. No, I wasn't done and I wasn't going to give up. Cal left but I know he wouldn’t want me to quit and the thought of him being disappointed in me sparked the pain again. I couldn’t bear the thought. I swallowed as I realized I had to shake this off like I did everything else and fight on. He taught me that. That I had to fight to stay alive, I had to fight off the dark so the light could shine. I knew this could happen but I thought he would at least say goodbye.
I sat up and reached over to grab my plate that had been replaced from breakfast to lunch and now to dinner. Darcy had brought me extra mashed potatoes and gravy and two biscuits verses the usual one. I decided it was time to fight and feeding myself was step one. I didn’t have the luxury to starve myself. I swung the tray over my bed and pressed the button to lift myself up. I looked around my room for the first time since that night and reached for the remote in the drawer. As I reached my hand in,
I felt a piece of paper. I grabbed it and pulled it out. As I opened it slowly my hands began to shake.
Laying there so peaceful.
Heavenly, like an angel brought to earth to lift me up
Eyes shut but soul awakened
I will never forget this sight
Surely it will haunt my dreams
The thought of her smile and the taste of her skin
The evil I've seen, all forgotten with the beam of her light
It shines
Conquers
Awakens
She is the sun and I am the northern star
Different stars made for one purpose
So much alike yet never able to be present at the same time
Missing each other ...by only a days’ time
No I will never forget this sight. Yes...Her beauty will surely haunt my dreams.
~Cal
My heart Sank. Tears dropped from my eyes. He did say goodbye. Just in his own way and Damn... I had to give it to him. It was pretty damn romantic. I would have preferred a long drawn out make out session but this was just as sweet. This must have been what he was working on the other night when I was begging him to tell me. He didn’t break, not even when I threw my spare pillows at him. Cal had just laughed and told me I'd find out soon enough. My mind wished to see him one more time but I knew that wasn’t possible. He was probably on a plane half across the world. I placed the letter face up on my night stand so I could glance at it randomly. I turned on the TV to the cooking channel and began feeding my naturally starving body.
