Analog SFF, June 2009
Page 14
User: Garden Warrior
Ha-ha. They're eating my lawn.
User: biochick'03
No they're not. Moles eat grubs and earthworms. They're just tunneling.
User: Garden Warrior
Same difference. What do you do about them?
User: donttellmymom
Get a cat?
User: simpleguy38304
Better be a big damn cat. You ever seen the claws on those things? [Link: Mole pics]
User: Hypermutt27
A dog works. Though it can do more damage than the moles.
User: Farmer John X
I had a dog that went after a raccoon once. The ‘coon damn near won. Those things drag dogs off into creeks and drown ‘em.
User: biochick'03
That's an old wives’ tale. Or whatever's the farmer equivalent.
User: Farmer John X
Tell it to my dog. The only way to get ‘em apart was to go after the coon with a garden hoe, but I missed and got the dog. $300 in stitches, and he still answers to “Zipperhead.” Must have concussed him, too. Not that he was all that bright to begin with.
User: Garden Warrior
OK, but what do I really do?
User: transportolojest
Move?
User: Farmer John X
Mole traps. A bit bloody, but they work. They've got a spike that snaps down when the mole goes through its tunnel. All you've got to do is figure out their main thoroughfares and it's shish-kebob rodent.
User: biochick'03
Moles aren't rodents. : )
User: Garden Warrior
And there's been no sign of new activity. I think they only went through once, a couple of days ago.
User: biochick'03
So what's the problem? Just stomp down the grass and forget it. The grass'll do just fine, though you might not want to play croquet for a while.
User: Garden Warrior
What if they come back? And I guess I'm curious. Where did they come from?
User: biolojest
Where does anything come from? [Link: A Parent's Guide to Childen's Questions About Sex]
User: Garden Warrior
Seriously guys. I've never had moles before. Then a whole crop of them went through a couple of nights ago.
User: linguijest
Crop?
User: Garden Warrior
What do moles come in? Phalanxes? Droves? You know how the veins pop up on the back of your hand when you hold it at your side? Well, that was my lawn, except they're all running the same direction, like rays from the sun.
User: biochick'03
And you've never had moles before? You must have done something to attract those beetles they like. Did you over-water or use too much fertilizer? I don't know what moles come in. I bet it starts with “m.” Mobs?
User: Garden Warrior
I didn't do anything. The only thing different was the meteor. You probably heard about that.
User: astroman-Fort.Worth
Holy cow (or whatever they'll let me say on this board) are you in Gilroy Center?
User: Garden Warrior
Yeah. Only it didn't really hit the town, like they reported. It was down by the river, where nobody lives. Right in the middle of the night. I thought it was a thunderbolt. The flash can be so bright it wakes you a half-second before the bang, even though your eyes are closed. Kind of exciting, once you peel yourself off the ceiling. This was like that only not quite so cool. It kind of sizzled as it went overhead. Very weird.
User: mister12
A drunk hit a telephone pole across from my house once. Big bang. Harsh blue light, sparks everywhere. Fried my TV and microwave. Made me a big believer in surge protectors.
User: Garden Warrior
Yeah, it was like that, but without the sparks. Folks from the University swarmed all over, looking for meteor chunks, but couldn't find any. Eventually, they concluded it must have been a big piece of ice that melted when it hit. There was water in the crater, but hey, down near the river any hole is going to turn into a puddle, so if it was spacewater or groundwater, who'd know? So they gave up and went home. A couple of weeks later, the water drained away and the hole filled in.
User: astroman-Fort.Worth
That's when the moles came?
User: Garden Warrior
Yeah. You know, now that I think about it, the tracks run in that direction. Do you think they were going toward it or away?
User: astroman-Fort.Worth
Away. I bet there was a nasty chemical in that ice. Cyanide or something. Cyanide's common in comets and interstellar space. Something poisonous, anyway. Living underground maybe they're more sensitive to it than you and me.
User: Garden Warrior
So why didn't the scientists find it?
User: astroman-Fort.Worth
Maybe they weren't looking. They were hunting for meteorite chunks, right? Maybe they found something and wrote it off as a chemical dump. My granddad was a farmer, and you wouldn't believe the things he tossed in the back forty. I bet there are thousands of farms with old trash heaps that would be Superfund sites if anyone knew about them.
User: Farmer John X
Cheery thought.
User: radiolojest
Well, if your moles start to glow in the dark at least it'll be easier to find them.
User: Garden Warrior
OK, so I went out to stomp down the mole tracks but it didn't work.
User: Farmer John X
What do you mean, “didn't work"?
User: Garden Warrior
I mean I couldn't stomp them down. There's something firm down below, like concrete or steel.
User: biochick'03
Did it turn really dry or something? Maybe the dirt's hardened. Though that's hard to imagine in ... where's Gilroy Center? Iowa?
User: Garden Warrior
Yes, and it's not like my lawn's baked to concrete. I'm going to get a shovel and see what's down there. Back in a sec.
User: biochick'03
That's really weird. Moles churn up the soil. It should be softer, not harder.
User: biochick'03
Garden Warrior? You still there? You've been offline a long time just for digging a hole.
User: biochick'03
Garden Warrior? Yoo-hoo. Did they have another thunderstorm in Iowa or something? Did he lose power?
User: donttellmymom
Nope. The weather's been fine. [Link: Weather map]
User: biochick'03
So where is he?
User: Garden Warrior
Sorry guys. I had to hunt up a camera so I could show you what I'd found. [Link: photos] As far as I can tell, these tubes are in all the tracks. Wherever I dug, anyway, and my backyard now looks like hypermutt's dog's been after it. How big is a mole, anyway? These things are about 18 inches down and a foot in diameter. I'm the closest property to the river, though the crater's a ways away. BTW, they come from that direction and seem to run fairly close to the surface until they hit the street beyond me. Then they dive down and don't come back up. At least there are no tracks in the lawn across the street or anywhere else I looked, though I only got a few blocks away.
User: donttellmymom
Those sure ain't no moles. Moles aren't that big. Not to mention not lining their tunnels with steel.
User: Garden Warrior
Not steel. More like really hard ceramic. Like drain tile, only bigger.
User: simpleguy38304
So, uh, how straight and uniform are these tubules?
User: Garden Warrior
They seem pretty consistent. They bend a bit around trees and my house, but there aren't any kinks, if that's what you mean.
User: simpleguy38304
Do you think they're hollow, or solid like roots?
User: Garden Warrior
Definitely hollow. I could hear it when my shovel hit. Let me go back out and take another look.
User: biochick'03
Be careful.
User: donttellmymom
Of what?
User: biochick'03
I don't know. When was the last time you had instant pipes in your backyard? IJS, I'm kind of glad I'm in Hawaii. We've got our ecological problems—don't ask about the idiots who brought in pigs, rats, and snakes—but at least any kind of tunneling critter is going to have to get beneath a big, deep ocean to get here on its own. Sometimes being stuck on an island gives you island fever. Sometimes it's reassuring.
User: ecolojest
Well, if pigs had wings they wouldn't need us to get to Hawaii. So maybe when moles have snorkels? Sorry, there's a joke in there somewhere; I just can't quite find it. Gotta’ get to work, anyway.
User: biochick'03
YOU have a job?
User: survivolojest
Yeah, pretty boring, but I'm addicted to calories. Not to mention a roof, bed, and all that. Happy mole hunting.
User: simpleguy38304
Oh ****. Oh ****. Oh ****, ****, ****. Oh double-****, this site's auto-censoring me. What can I say? ****. Guess not. Crap. That's too mild but at least it's still ****ing there. Who the ****ing **** wrote this software, anyway?
User: donttellmymom
Hint: try English, not Anglo-Saxon. What the “****” are you trying to say?
User: simpleguy38304
Have you seen the ****ing news? This is bad. Very bad.
User: donttellmymom
English! English!
User: biochick'03
Never mind, check this out. [Link: Sewer Gas Afflicts Iowa Town] “Experts baffled,” they say. But then they add: “Strange fumes are emanating from sewers in the rural Iowa town of Gilroy Center. Nobody is sure what the gas is, but dozens, maybe more, have collapsed on city streets, dead or unconscious.” [Link: Video] And if you play the video, you'll see that whoever filmed it lasted maybe thirty seconds and hasn't moved since. Where are you Garden Warrior? Get out of there, now!
User: donttellmymom
Maybe he figured it out and ran.
User: simpleguy38304
Or didn't and didn't. It looks like it's spreading. The news-copters are finding bodies on neighboring farms. Not just people but livestock.
User: biochick'03
This is unreal. People don't die on message boards.
User: Garden Warrior
Hey folks, sorry to scare you. So far, my side of town's unaffected. My neighbors are all trying to drive away, but the way out starts by going downtown, so if you're into praying, you might give it a try. My sister keeps calling. Half the time she wants me to make a run for it. The other half she wants me to stay put. Any of you got any ideas on that? I'm on Eustace Drive, which is a cul-de-sac, cut off by the river. It's northeast of town and while there's not much breeze, it's definitely coming from the southwest, so I might not have much time.
User: astroman-Fort.Worth
Got it. WebMaps is great. Do you drive a blue hatchback?
User: Garden Warrior
Not any longer. Those satmaps were probably made a year ago.
User: simpleguy38304
Good thing, I guess. Who'd want to see all those bodies. Oh, hell, they're probably friends of yours. Sorry about that. For what it's worth, the news says a lot of folks got away—at least those who made up their minds fast.
User: astroman-Fort.Worth
Give me a moment. GIS was my minor in college. It's amazing what you can do with WebMaps if you know how.
User: astroman-Fort.Worth
OK, I've got two factoids. First, I wouldn't try to drive out. The death zone definitely cuts all of the roads, so if that gas is still there in sufficient concentration, you'd need a HazMat suit to get through. But if you want to swim the river and try to hike, you might get out that way. As best I can tell, the gas is expanding westward, even though that's upwind. I'd guess that means the pipes are continuing to grow in that direction. Presuming, of course, that this and your pipes are related.
User: Garden Warrior
They are. When I was out a few minutes ago, the pipes were making this hissing sound. I put an ear to one and it was really obvious. Then I got a sledgehammer and tried to break into it. [emoticon: shudder] Luckily, whatever they're made of is really tough. So it's not drifting my way?
User: astroman-Fort.Worth
Not at the moment. There's probably not yet enough to make a big, toxic plume. “Yet” being the operative word.
User: simpleguy38304
That's it. Reassure him. Nice job, astro.
User: Garden Warrior
No, that's OK. In the basement, I've got an old gas mask I bought years ago for Halloween. I also used it to march in an Earth Day parade, even though we don't have much air pollution in Iowa. Back then, it actually worked: at least, it took out the exhaust from the tractor pulling our float. And yeah, even then that seemed ironic ... the tractor, that is. Maybe the damn thing still works. If I can find it. Back in a sec.
User: donttellmymom
We've heard that before. Maybe you should try the river.
User: astroman-Fort.Worth
He'll be back. The gas is still fanning west. They're getting cases now as far as five miles out. Though nobody else is talking about pipes. When they hit Garden Warrior's street, they must have dived deep and stayed there. Do you think those things learn?
User: survivolojest
Most likely “thing,” not “things.”
User: biochick'03
Hey, joker-man, you're back!
User: survivolojest-bill
Yeah. I saw the news. My real name's William, BTW. If GW makes it through, we can joke later.
User: astroman-Fort.Worth
It might be a lot more than GW's survival that's on the line. They're seeing dead cows seven miles out. Do you think this thing's building new hubs?
User: biochick'03
Wouldn't surprise me. What is it? An alien invasion?
User: astroman-Fort.Worth
For all we know, it's space kudzu. Maybe you really are safe out in Hawaii, biochick.
User: simpleguy38304
I wouldn't count on it. I bet when it gets bigger it can go deeper.
User: mister12
Maybe it's some kind of nanotechnology. A terraforming gadget and we're the terra to be formed.
User: geolojest-bill
Wouldn't that be “astroforming?” Sorry. Old habits ... Anyway, it's staying underground, at least for the moment. What doesn't it like on the surface? The sun? Wind? Rain? Air? Us?
User: astroman-Fort.Worth
Whatever this thing is, it's killing plants as well as people. [Link: AP photos]
User: biochick'03
What if plants are the primary targets? What would aliens—nanotech, space kudzu, or little green man—probably see as the most toxic gas on Earth?
User: donttellmymom
Phosgene? I don't know. Probably something I've never heard of. Can that polonium stuff be a gas?
User: biochick'03
I meant the most toxic COMMON gas. It's oxygen. We need it to live, but back in evolutionary history the first photosynthetic bacteria nearly poisoned the planet with it before everything else either adapted or went underground.
User: astroman-Fort.Worth
So you're saying oxygen's a weapon?
User: biochick'03
Maybe. Or maybe I'm wrong and we're all dead. Any better ideas?
User: Garden Warrior
Not from me. I found the gas mask and it seems to work. Or maybe it's just going through the motions. If there's a way to check these things out, I don't know it.
User: biochick'03
You also have to worry about dermal toxicity. Lots of poisons can go through the skin. Wear long sleeves, gloves, etc. I can't promise they'll work, but they can't hurt.
User: Garden Warrior
Already doing it. So have you guys come up with a plan?
Yeah, swim, then run.
User: mister12
Why not just call the cops?
User: astroman-Fort.Worth
I've been trying to do just that, but can't get through. GW, 12's right: it's not your job to save the world. Or Iowa or however far this stuff might spread.
User: geolojest-bill
I'm betting it's going for the world. IJS whether it's astroforming us or just trying to make a kudzu plantation, it's going to need to change more than a corner of Iowa.
User: Garden Warrior
When I was a kid, my dad used to take me camping. Before we'd go home, he'd insist on cleaning up all the trash, even if it wasn't ours. “If we don't, nobody else will,” he'd say. Well, I don't think anyone else is going to get to this in time. I just switched on CNN. Every third word is “terrorist.” Even if we could reach FEMA or Homeland Security, I doubt they'd take us seriously. So, to do it ourselves, what do we need?
User: biochick'03
Oxygen, lots of it. Some way to break into the pipes. Then a way to blow the oxygen into them, preferably without dying first. Sure you don't want to run?
User: Garden Warrior
Nope. Let's see what I can scrounge up. We've got a hospital, a high school that's presumably got a chem lab, and a couple of hardware stores. I doubt any of that's locked, but I'll take a crowbar, just in case. Wish me luck.
User: biochick'03
Good luck! Here's my cell phone number if you need it. [Link: Personal side-note] I should have thought of that before.
User: astroman-Fort.Worth
As one of the old-timers here, I'm going to suggest a moratorium on chatter until GW gets back. Time's going to be vital, so let's not make folks wade through 101 useless posts. Only post if you've got something important to say.
User: donttellmymom
Sounds good to me.
User: simpleguy38304
Me too. But who died and made you king?
User: biochick'03
Shhh.
User: Mister12
One question. Why did GW get bypassed? Why didn't it gas him as it was tunneling by?
User: astroman-Fort.Worth
Who knows? Maybe it figured it made more sense to start in the middle of town. If “figuring” plays any role in its behavior. Maybe it's genetic. Or programmed.
User: simpleguy38304
The stuff's continuing to spread. Ten miles now. He better get back soon.
User: biochick'03