Let Me Love

by Michelle Lynn

  “It is what it is.”

  “Where you racing?”

  “There’s an open track up at Speed Chasers in two weeks. You should do it too. It’s nothing crazy, I think cash prize is only like a thousand, but it’s a huge event.” I have to admit, it’s tempting, but there’s no way I’m doing it. As much as I don’t want to sound like some fucking middle aged man, it’s too dangerous.

  “We’ll see,” I tell him, but he knows that’s my decline. “Let’s get this thing going then,” I say, not wanting to allow my thoughts to drift to Kailey and the kids.

  Rob and I stay out there in the garage for another three hours. By the time we’re heading back in the house, my forearms are tight and biceps sore from all the back and forth with socket wrenches and screwdrivers. Sadie and Brady must have already gone to bed, and Dex hasn’t returned home, leaving the kitchen dark when we enter. Rob goes to the fridge and offers me another beer, but I’m finished for the night.

  “I heard about your girlfriend’s sister and brother-in-law. I’m sorry,” Rob expresses his sympathies, and I’m almost struck with shock. “Let me know if you need anything,” he continues, and I’m thinking someone else has invaded his body.

  “I’ve got it handled, but thanks,” I say, leaving the room. “The funerals tomorrow if you want to come.” I begin to tell him the details, but he stops me.

  “Sorry, man, I don’t do funerals. But—,” he trails off because it’s Rob. He doesn’t wear his heart on his sleeve and since tonight was our first conversation in the past months that didn’t include fists clenched or thrown, I’ll leave it as it is. We all know Rob has a past he doesn’t share, and I’m not about to try to figure him out.

  “If you need help with the car, just yell,” I tell him and jog up the stairs.

  It’s eight-thirty when I arrive at the funeral home the next morning. I could have been here at four this morning, since I didn’t sleep worth a shit. Sixty hours without Kailey snuggled up in my side, but who’s counting. Last night, I even stole the body pillow Jessa left behind, but it doesn’t slightly blow hot breath on my neck or sandwich its leg between mine. My hand can’t tangle through long stands of dark hair or feel its breasts up against my bare chest. So the attempt to sleep with the body pillow was useless for me.

  The director, Mr. Greyson meets me outside the office and shakes my hand. I stare at the two caskets and tears pool in my eyes for them and what they’ve left behind. It’s eerie and slightly uncomfortable with the death that encompasses the room. I’m suddenly thrown into a conversation I had with Jen a month or so ago.

  “Do you love her?” She asks me point blank.

  “Of course,” I answer honestly. A little offended she asked the question.

  “How much?” She’s sitting up in her bed eating fries. I just snuck in McDonalds for her while Kailey was picking Chloe up from pre-school. Kailey is strict with Jen’s diet, making sure everything had nutritional value. Jen had secretly sent me a text requesting I pick it up on my way over and the times Kailey wouldn’t be home.

  “With every fiber in my body,” I tell her. She pops a fry in her mouth.

  “Not good enough.” She washes the fry down with a sip of Diet Coke.

  “What do you want me to say?”

  “I can’t tell you what to say. That would be an unfair advantage.”

  “It’s not a game, Jen,” I add while sitting on the footstool at the end of their bed.

  “That’s good to hear. I need to know, Trey. Tell me what I want to hear, put my fears at rest before I leave her.”

  “Jesus, Jen, I love her. She’s all I think about, when I’m not with her. I count down the minutes until I see her again. She’s everything to me,” I start, but she still seems unsatisfied. Not sure what she’s looking for me to say. Hell, I feel sorry for Caden. I can’t imagine what he had to prove.

  “That’s a good start, but what else?”

  Standing up out of pure frustration. I throw both my hands over my head. “There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for her happiness. I’ll protect her with every inch of my skin.”

  “She’ll fight you,” she reminds me. “She’ll push.”

  “And I’ll fight right back and pull her back to me,” I say, and a smile spread across her face.

  “She’s stubborn.”

  “I’m persistent and tenacious.”

  “She’ll shut down.”

  “I’ll find my way in.”

  “She’ll use the kids.”

  “So will I.” She quirks her eyebrow my way. “For good, of course.”

  “She’ll eventually relent. When you least expect it.”

  “That’s why I’ll stay determined until she surrenders.”

  “To the love you share.”

  “Yes, to our love for one another. It will be my biggest selling tool.”

  “Your body will help too,” she laughs clearly satisfied with our conversation.

  “Take care of my baby sister, Trey.”

  “With my life and heart.”

  In just the short time I knew her, she wormed her way into my heart. Her perseverance for her sister’s happiness was strong and unwavering. Walking along the wall, the pictures on top of Caden’s casket have me choking back tears. A father taken unexpectedly. He sits on the couch with all three kids around him, and I remember when Kailey took the picture. She had been trying to get more with Jen, but Jen was tired and fell asleep upstairs. Not wanting to ruin all their nice outfits, she had them pose with Caden. It’s almost fitting in a way, now they’ll have these to share.

  A loud voice and Tara’s shriek transports me out of my thoughts. When I turn around, Kailey stands outside the doors. Her mouth agape and eyes boring into mine. I pick up Tara off the ground and pull her into my arms. She looks adorable in her black dress with a puffy bottom and satin shoes. “Put me down,” she insists. When I do, she twirls around. “Look, it’s like a princess,” she tells me, and I smile down at her.

  “Yep, you’re a princess all right.”

  She flutters around the room showing Holly and Clyde how when she circles around, the skirt twirls. Kailey finally makes her way up to the caskets, and Holly nudges her head my way. I pray she’s been a little persistent gnat attached to Kailey when I’m not there.

  “Chloe still having nightmares,” I ask, coming along side of her as she stares down at her sister. The blank expression reminds me how Kailey can push things out and keep herself closed off from everyone that loves her.

  “Yeah, only one last night,” she softly says, her eyes never leaving Jen.

  “Is she sleeping with you,” I ask, and she nods.

  “Holly did it last night. I feel asleep on the couch. But it’s the only way so far. Even then she fights me sometimes. She’s so startled she flails her body around until eventually succumbing to sleep again.” Her voice is so expressionless. Where is the woman I love?

  “I could spend the night. I can sleep on the couch if you want.” At this point, I’ll take what I can.

  She turns her head, and this is the first time I’ve ever seen her eyes so empty and voice void of any inflection. She’s pushed her emotions so far inside, I don’t know if we’ll ever find them. “No,” she says and turns to exit the room.

  I’m about to chase after her until I see guests making their way to the caskets, saying their silent goodbyes. Mr. Greyson comes over, and I round up the pallbearers for him. He discusses the duties to the mixture of my friends and Caden’s relatives. It kills me that I’ll be one of them, keeping me from comforting Kailey and the kids the whole time, but at least this is one thing I can do for the man who became my friend.

  Just as I’m about to make way to them again, trying to figure out in my head how I’ll ever get her to come out from behind her wall, my mom’s voice has me turning around. Her arms wrap around me, and my dad and brother, Derek, are right behind her. “What are you doing here?”

  “Kailey needs us, you need us,” she tells
me. My family’s unyielding love never ceases to amaze me.

  “Thanks, Mom.” I bury my head into the crook of her neck, wanting to cry like a toddler. I want to tell her my problems and hope she can fix them. She quickly pushes me away, and I follow her footsteps to a very shocked Kailey. My mom mimics her previous motion and gives Kailey a big bear hug. It takes a few seconds, but eventually Kailey reacts and wraps her arms around my mom in return. Then my mom’s hands cup Kailey’s face between them, and my mom says something to her before hugging her again. Seeing Drew at her legs, my mom sweeps him up and swings an arm around Kailey’s shoulders, leading her into the other room.

  “Hey, son. Are you holding up?” My dad finally speaks after witnessing the scene between Kailey and my mom.

  “It’s okay. She’s shutting me out.” My dad and I have always had a good relationship. He was one of the ones who helped me decide about giving the baby up for adoption and made me realize that it wasn’t a selfish decision.

  “I don’t envy her position. This is hard for anyone, but a twenty-two year old.” He shakes his head. “I can’t imagine.”

  “I’m becoming desperate, Dad.” He rests his hand on my shoulder.

  “Give her some time and space. She’ll come around.” Isn’t that everyone’s answer? But they don’t know her like me. Then I hear Jen’s words again. “She’ll eventually relent.” When god damn it? When will she finally give in?

  The director calls everyone in, and I’m about to take a seat with my parents when Chloe and Tara come over and grab each one of my hands, leading me to the couch in front of the caskets. My dad urges me to follow, so I do. They sit me right next to Kailey and hop on our laps. Holly sits in the chair next to us holding a sleepy Drew in her arms. Clyde is on the other side of her. Caden’s parents peer over at our make shift family from their own couch to the right of us.

  After the priest and the prayers, the mourners file out, and the family is given time to say good-bye. Kailey surprises me when she exits the room two seconds after the doors shut. The gang has the kids along the couch, Sadie feeding them graham crackers. Uncle Clyde and Aunt Holly, along with Caden’s parents, come out fifteen minutes later, and the despair in their eyes when they look at me. They’re just as confused to how Kailey could only spend a few minutes with them.

  “Can you take the kids?” I ask them, and they nod their heads.

  Kailey stands outside the room, talking to one of the pallbearers. Mr. Greyson comes up to her and asks if everyone has said their goodbyes, and she nods. I grab her wrist and start walking into the room again.

  “Stop it, Trey, what are you doing?” She tries to wiggle out of my grip, but I hold tight. The curious eyes over my impromptu scene does nothing to waver me.

  “Kailey, you’re going to face this,” I tell her and open the parlor doors and shut them behind us. She stands with her arms crossed over her chest, an indignation I’ve grown to love. I point to the caskets. “Say goodbye,” I instruct sternly, but she shakes her head, like a fucking two year old.

  “I already said goodbye,” she says not even willing to glance in their direction.

  I grip her hand again and force her toward the front of the room. I take the picture of Jen and Caden and shove it in her face. “You need to face this reality, Kailey,” I take both her hands in mine. “I know this hard as hell, and you’re breaking inside, but, believe me, you’ll regret it if you don’t take the time and say good-bye.”

  She says nothing, her blank green eyes peer over at Jen. “No, then it’s a reality.” Finally we’re starting getting somewhere.

  “I know, baby,” I gently speak, entwining our fingers and leading her over to her sister.

  She surprises me when she lays her hand on the casket and closes her eyes. I start to release her hand, to give her the space she needs, but she squeezes harder. “Stay, please.” Hell, if I would ever leave her when she needs me.

  I stay quiet while she whispers sweet things to her sister, and then makes her way over to Caden, telling him goodbye. After she’s done, she looks up at me and nods. It scares the hell out of me that there are no tears in her eyes, revealing that she’s still lost somewhere inside herself. I need to reach her darkness, show her our love is worth it. One step at a time I tell myself. She allows me to keep her hand in mine as we open the doors. Most everyone has departed to their cars. All the pallbearers, including my brother, who graciously filled in for me, file into the room under Mr. Greyson’s directive. Sadie and Jessa bring the kids our way, and we stand there along with family, watching the two caskets brought out on rolling carts. The gloved hands of the men resting on top, are serious and mournful, lifting the caskets into the two hearses.

  The sound of the doors being shut makes Kailey’s body jolt. I place my hand on her back, and her head drops. She grabs Drew in her arms and takes Chloe’s hand in hers. I, in turn, pick up Tara, and we leave the funeral home for a long time to come, hopefully. I don’t ask, and she doesn’t say anything when I climb into the driver’s seat of the minivan.

  The rest is a blur of activity. Driving to the church, Holly and Caden’s cousin’s eulogies, the cemetery and the caskets being lowered into the ground all runs together. Throughout the whole thing, Kailey doesn’t shed one tear, doesn’t release one sob. Polite and courteous as she sees the last guest out of the banquet room the university let her use. The catering crew makes the rounds of clearing dishes and glasses from the tables. Scooping up the tablecloths into balls and tossing them into baskets. Aunt Holly and Uncle Clyde have been lifesavers, taking the kids back to the house once again. She gathers her purse, and we walk out to my car without a word spoken. I open the door for her, she slides in, and I walk around to my side. I’m suddenly breaking inside that the one I love is shattered beyond my healing powers.

  When we get to the house, it’s darker than last night. I’m not surprised the kids aren’t already crashed in their beds. I swallow hard, wanting desperately to beg her. Let me come in, hold you tonight, and begin this new life with you; be together and face this as a team, I can be her savior, her knight. “Thank you, Trey. Goodnight.” She hurries out of the car, just like last night.

  Needing to give her some time, I back out of the driveway to return to my lonely bed, racking my brain on how I’ll convince Kailey to see what everyone else does.

  Chapter 20

  Kailey

  It’s been two weeks since we buried Jen and Caden. Aunt Holly and Uncle Clyde are staying for the summer to help everyone get adjusted. Their help is great, since I was in the middle of summer school. Now that they’re retired they volunteered to move here permanently, or us to Colorado, but I declined the offer. Chloe still has nightmares, but they’re only a few times a week. Tara and Drew don’t completely understand, mostly asking where their mom and dad are right before bed or a nap. We’re hanging on, mostly to each other for the life support we need to carry on.

  Trey stops by every day, either taking the kids to the park or just to hang out for a few hours. I try to make myself scarce, but occasionally I just sneak up to my bedroom until I hear the roar of his muffler disappear down the street. My body begs me to stay where he is, waiting for his fingers to brush against mine, to feel that electric shock, but it will just make the inevitable harder. Trey won’t be able to stay in this caged life. He should be out there living, instead of nailed down with three kids and a pseudo wife. His tenacious side is really shining, and I’m waiting for the day he doesn’t show up, the day he finally chalks it up and forgets us.

  Uncle Clyde continues to do his silent encouraging, and Aunt Holly furthers her bluntness to informing me what a stubborn ass I’m being. But they don’t understand, I saw the toll it took on Caden when he took me on as well as Jen. Not to say we weren’t happy, we were, but it wasn’t easy. I can’t help thinking Caden wouldn’t have minded dating Jen without having to worry about a babysitter or a little sister tagging along. Those teenage years, when I was outspoken and downright
mean. The fights we had when I disrespected Jen. I love Trey. I wish everyone would understand, I’m putting us both through hell for him.

  That doesn’t mean I’m not mourning Trey in a way as well. My heart practically shatters every time I see him, my feet desperately want to disobey me and run toward him. It would be easier for me to jump into his arms and allow him to wipe away all my worries. So, I keep repeating to myself, it’s for his own good. I just wish he’d give up already because I’m starting to waiver the more he comes around.

  Especially since when I came back from class this afternoon, I found suitcases by the door. “Aunt Hol,” I yell, “what’s with the suitcases?”

  She doesn’t bother even turning around from the sink. “We’re going somewhere,” she says, continuing to clean the dishes.

  “Where, and who is we?” I make my way to the fridge to grab a Diet Coke.

  “All of us. Well, you probably won’t want to go, so you can stay here. But me, Clyde, and the kids.” She’s been giving the cold shoulder for the past week.

  “Where would you be going? It’s Fourth of July, I thought we could—,”

  “We’ve been invited to Trey’s family’s house. I think it would do some good for the kids to get away.”

  “You can’t just take them,” I spout. She turns around and raises her eyebrows at me.

  “Okay, Kailey, can we take the kids to Trey’s for the long weekend?” She sighs and purses her lips.

  “No,” I answer, shaking my head.

  “Too bad.” she shrugs her shoulders.

  “I said no. I’m their guardian.”

  “Kailey, they need a change. They need something to look forward to. To get out of this house and not be reminded of everything they lost. Maybe you want to continue to wallow in grief, but it’s not fair to them.”

  Taken back, I cock my head, surprised she’s pointing the finger at me. I wasn’t the driver who smashed into the ambulance. I’m not the one who gave Jen cancer. All I’ve done is continued our normal schedule. The kids do everything like they did before their parents died. It’s not like I lay in my bed all day feeling sorry for myself. Well, maybe a little.