No Matter What

by Michelle Betham

“Come and talk to him, Michael, come on.”

  “India ... please, listen to me, baby. You’ve got to listen to me.”

  She looked up at him again and the expression on her face said it all. She knew the truth, she just didn’t want to believe it.

  She shook her head as Michael came over to her, sitting beside her, taking her hand in his. “No, Michael, don’t say it. Please don’t say it, because once you say it then it’s real and I don’t want it to be real.”

  “None of us do, sweetheart. But you have to be strong now, you have to be really strong.”

  She was staring at him, tears streaming down her face again, and it was all he could do to stay calm. She didn’t deserve this. Nobody did.

  “He’s dead, isn’t he?” she whispered, her fingers tightening around Michael’s hand as she continued to stare at him.

  He nodded. “It’s only the machine keeping him alive. It’s breathing for him. Without that ...”

  She turned back to her brother, reaching out to touch his arm as it lay motionless on the sheet. “He’s still so warm, Michael.” She looked at him again. “They want to turn the ventilator off? Is that it?”

  “When you’re ready. You take as much time as you need, you spend as much time as you want with him but, yes ... it’s time, baby.”

  She bit down on her bottom lip and Michael knew it was to try and stop herself from crying anymore. “Can I ... can I be on my own for a while?” she asked. “I want to say goodbye on my own.”

  “Of course you can, sweetheart.” He kissed her forehead gently and let go of her hand as she turned away from him, turning her attention back to her brother, and Michael watched her for a second, watched as she continued to talk to Terry before he left her to it, going back outside to Kenny and Reece.

  “Is she ok?” Kenny asked.

  Michael sat down, pushing his hands through his hair. “As ok as she can be, under the circumstances.”

  “She wants to be on her own?” Reece asked, and Michael nodded. “Does she know ...?”

  Michael nodded again. “Yes. She knows. But it’s like she’s slowly putting up a barrier, getting ready to shut everyone else out.”

  “Can you blame her?”

  Michael looked over at Kenny. He wouldn’t blame him, he couldn’t do that because in reality it wasn’t his fault, but Kenny had known how determined Terry had been to get Charley away from Jimmy Cash. Michael knew he’d been more involved in this whole situation than anyone else, so maybe he should have kept a closer eye on things, but this wasn’t the time for blame. Even if Kenny wasn’t someone Michael could ever fully trust.

  “It’s fucking hard, Kenny, to sit there and watch the person you love more than anything going through something she shouldn’t be going through when all I want to do is help her. And I can’t. I can’t do a fucking thing.”

  “It’s hard for all of us,” Reece said, sensing the friction between Michael and Kenny and he wanted to try and diffuse the situation before it had time to get any worse. This wasn’t really the time or the place. “But all we can do now is be there for India. When she needs us. And she’ll let us know when that is.”

  “I’ll go get some coffees.” Kenny stood up, leaving them to it. If the truth be told he felt more guilt than he’d dare let on and he just needed to get away for a bit and think.

  “What do I do, Reece?” Michael asked, tears starting to sting the back of his eyes. “How do I make this right for her?”

  Reece shook his head. “You can’t. Nobody can.”

  “Michael?”

  They both looked up at India, now standing in the open doorway to Terry’s room, her arms folded, her face wet with tears.

  “I’m ready,” she whispered. “To let him go. I’m ready.”

  ***

  Charley was inconsolable. She didn’t want to believe it had happened but as she watched the news, listened as they told how Terry Steven, brother of Hollywood star India Steven had died, that his life support machine had been switched off at 1.45am that morning, she just curled up into a ball and tried to shut the world out.

  It was her fault. She’d done this. If it hadn’t been for her then Terry would never have got into this situation. If she hadn’t asked for help he’d still be alive. So many ‘what if’s’ but what did any of it matter now? He was gone. She’d wanted to escape, she’d wanted to get away from Jimmy Cash and she’d done that. She was free. But look at the cost. Charley just couldn’t work out whether it had been worth it or not. What was the point of going on if there was nothing left out there for her?

  She felt empty, drained of any kind of real emotion. But if she was feeling like this then how the hell was India feeling? What had she done to her? It was all too much for Charley as she reached for the ‘phone and dialled that all too familiar number. One more time, just one more time because she couldn’t cope without it today. One more time then she’d get her life straight. She owed it to herself to try. And, more than anything, she owed it to Terry.

  ***

  Michael had wanted to take India home, he’d wanted to get her away from the hospital and try and make her get some sleep but she hadn’t wanted to leave. She’d held onto her brother’s hand as they’d turned his ventilator off - the machine that had been keeping him alive - and then she’d lain next to him, curled up beside him as he’d taken his last breath and neither Michael, Kenny nor Reece could bear to watch. She’d stayed there for almost half an hour afterwards, just lying beside him, and she hadn’t cried, not since the first barrage of tears. That barrier was now well and truly up because she felt safer behind it, but they had to let her deal with this in whatever way she could. No matter how difficult that was for anyone else.

  “Do you know where Kenny is?” Michael asked Reece as they sat in the dimly lit private relatives’ room that the hospital had put aside for them. India was now curled up next to him although she wasn’t sleeping, but she had her eyes closed and Michael just hoped that she might be able to grab even an hour or so of rest, anything for the sake of her own health.

  Reece started to put some coffee on, spooning large amounts into the machine because strong was the order of the day as far as he was concerned. God knows he needed more than coffee but he had to keep a clear head.

  “Kenny’s outside dealing with the press. Somebody had to give them a statement and he offered.” Reece leaned back against the counter and folded his arms, sighing heavily. “And I have to say I’m glad because I just don’t think I’ve got it in me right now.” He looked over at Michael, who was gently stroking India’s hair, kissing the top of her head as she snuggled in closer to him, her eyes still closed. “Has she said anything to you? Has she talked at all?”

  Michael shook his head.

  Reece continued to look at his daughter. His beautiful, broken daughter. “She will. When she wants to.”

  Michael looked at her. Her face was stained with tears, her hair pulled up in a messy ponytail and she looked so young. So tired. But still so beautiful.

  “It’s like she’s shut down,” he said quietly. “She’s just totally shut down.”

  Reece ran his hands through his hair, sighing again. “It’s her way of coping, Michael, that’s all. It’s hard but she’ll come through it. Jesus, I should be dealing with this, as her father. I should be going out there and protecting her from all that shit outside instead of letting Kenny deal with everything. I should be out there telling the world that she’s my daughter and I’m there for her and …”

  “Is now the right time for that?”

  “I think it’s absolutely the right time. Yes. She can’t deal with this, Michael, not right now, not on her own, and if I can take that weight off her shoulders ... what is it?” Reece had noticed a sudden change in Michael’s expression. “What’s the matter?”

  “She’s bleeding, Reece ... Oh, Jesus, she’s bleeding ... no, not this, please don’t let it be this … India, baby? Are you awake? Baby, are you awake?”

&nbs
p; Reece ran over, crouching down beside her as Michael tried to rouse her, blood now pouring down her legs and Michael was really losing it now, he couldn’t deal with this, he didn’t want to think about this. Hadn’t they been through enough already?

  “Get somebody, Reece!”

  “Ok ... look, just try and stay calm and I’ll find Dr Goldman.” But he was finding it hard to stay calm himself as he ran off, crashing through the door of the room like his life depended on it, desperate for this not to be happening to his own baby. Didn’t she have enough to cope with? This was cruel beyond belief.

  India’s eyes slowly opened and she looked up at Michael, who was trying to smile at her, he was trying to smile even though he felt like breaking down.

  “Hey there you.”

  She looked down and saw the blood, just staring at it for a few seconds as though she couldn’t quite comprehend its appearance, before looking back up at Michael, her eyes wide but she said nothing. He tried to smile again, determined that she wouldn’t see the tears he was trying so hard to keep at bay, stroking her cheek with his fingers.

  “It’s ok, angel. Reece has gone to find Dr Goldman. It’ll be ok.”

  He was frantic now as her eyes started to close again. He couldn’t believe this was happening, on top of everything else, why was this happening too?

  He looked up in desperation as Reece and Dr Goldman ran into the room, closely followed by Kenny.

  “We need to get her to obstetrics, quickly!” Dr Goldman said, holding the door open as Michael picked India up in his arms and Reece watched as his beautiful daughter went limp, lying there like a rag doll. It pulled at his heart with a force he’d never felt before and he couldn’t do a thing about it. That was what hurt the most.

  He put an arm out to stop Kenny following them out of the room. “Leave them, Kenny. Let them get her up there first. We’ll follow in a minute.”

  “Is she losing the baby, Reece?”

  Kenny had been the first one to actually speak the words they’d all been thinking but were too afraid to say out loud.

  “I don’t know. I hope not, I really hope not. But I don’t know.”

  Kenny leaned back against the wall and kicked it hard with his boot, frustration and anger now taking over. The lack of control, the not being able to help in any way was the worst thing and he was having a hard time dealing with that. Reece knew it too, he knew that Kenny loved her just as much as everyone else, probably more so in his own way, and he knew how bad that frustration felt. He knew there wasn’t a thing anyone could do to help and that was a pain that wouldn’t go away.

  “What do we do now?” Kenny asked, pacing the floor, his hands shoved deep in his pockets. “This is going to be common knowledge, we can’t stop that, but that’s even more shit for India to deal with and we can’t protect her from it, can we? We can’t stop it from happening.”

  “No,” Reece sighed. “No, we can’t. But we can take the weight. We can make sure she gets the space she needs.”

  Kenny eventually stopped pacing, leaning back against the kitchen counter, his hands still in his pockets. “It’s a nightmare. This is a fucking nightmare!”

  Reece looked at the young actor; all the bravado and front had been knocked out of him with everything that had happened. His ex-son-in-law. His daughter’s best friend.

  “I know.” He walked over to Kenny, putting a hand on his shoulder. “I know it is. Come on. Let’s go and see what’s happening. We can’t settle down here.” Reece walked towards the door, stopping for a second and looking at Kenny. “Promise me one thing, Kenny. Be there for her, ok? Just ... just be there.”

  CHAPTER 28

  India lay in the hospital bed, staring at the ceiling. She felt numb. There was no other way to describe it. She just felt numb, and empty. She kept closing her eyes in the hope that the next time she opened them Terry would be standing there, laughing, telling her it had all been one big bad dream and he wasn’t really gone, but every time she opened her eyes that same painful, overwhelming feeling of loss was still there. And she couldn’t make it go away.

  She’d passed out down in the relative’s room, and all she remembered was seeing blood and then nothing. She remembered nothing until she’d woken up here, with people running around and Michael looking worried as he’d talked to Dr Goldman, but she hadn’t been listening. She was tired. So very tired but she couldn’t sleep. She needed to know if her baby was safe, she needed to know that before she could even think of letting sleep take over. She’d already lost her brother. She couldn’t lose her baby too.

  Michael walked back into the room and she couldn’t help but notice how exhausted he looked. She pulled herself up into a sitting position as he sat down on the bed next to her, taking her hand and he’d been crying, she could see that, it was obvious, and for the second time in a matter of hours she felt the fear rise up in her again as she looked at him. The fear that he was going to tell her something she didn’t want to hear or have to get used to. But she knew that’s what was going to happen.

  “Our baby ... Michael, please, tell me our baby’s ok. Please.”

  He wished he could, he wished with all of his heart that he could but instead he had to hit her with this as well. After everything that had happened she had to go through this too. He shook his head, feeling her fingers tighten around his as she started to crumble again.

  “I can’t do that, India.”

  “I’ve lost it?”

  He couldn’t bear to see her eyes filling with fresh tears, her face a mask of fear and pain; it was an agony he could barely handle anymore. He wouldn’t wish what they’d had to go through tonight on anyone.

  But he didn’t need to answer her question. He couldn’t anyway, he couldn’t speak as she just fell into his arms and clung onto him, that barrier she’d put up before well and truly coming down now as she started to cry like she’d never cried before, sobs so loud they racked her whole body and all Michael could do was hold her close, trying desperately to stay strong for her, burying his face in her hair as she cried. He felt every tear, every child-like sob breaking his heart. He’d never experienced a pain like it before. It was something so physically agonising he felt like he was literally being ripped apart inside, and he could only imagine what India must be going through if he was hurting this much. She’d lost her brother and her child in a matter of hours and he couldn’t take that pain away. He could try, but he couldn’t do it.

  They sat together for what seemed like an eternity, just holding each other long after the tears had dried up. How could one night turn itself on it’s head so horrifically? They’d started out celebrating, with everything to look forward to and now - now he didn’t know what was going to happen. Just getting through the next few days was going to be tough enough without even beginning to think about the future beyond that.

  “Michael ...”

  He looked at her, stroking the hair away from her eyes, wiping away stray tears.

  “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

  “What have you got to be sorry for, angel? What in the world have you got to be sorry for?”

  “I lost the baby. Me. I lost our baby.”

  “No, India, this isn’t your fault, it’s nobody’s fault. The immense stress you’ve been under in such a short space of time ...”

  “Is that what they said? Is that what they think caused it?”

  “They don’t know for sure, sweetheart. It could be. Or it could just be that our baby wasn’t strong enough.”

  It was hard for him to even say the words without breaking down, such was his own grief. She looked at him with eyes that were scared and confused and he just wanted to make it better, he wanted to make it all better. But how could he even begin to do that?

  “To lose them both, to ... to lose them both in one night ...” Tears started to fall from her already red and worn out eyes again and it was all Michael could do to stop himself from screaming out loud with the unfairness of it all. “
Michael?”

  He touched her face again, brushing away the fresh tears. “What is it, baby?”

  “I want my dad.”

  He swallowed hard, fighting back his own tears, looking up at the ceiling for a second as he blinked them back. Then he looked at her, forcing a smile, determined to stay strong for her because that was his job now. He had to be strong to get her through this.

  “Ok sweetheart.”

  He looked out of the small window that faced out onto the private waiting area, where Kenny and Reece were talking to Dr Goldman. Reece caught the look that Michael gave him and excused himself, slowly pushing open the door to India’s room and she looked up at him, whispering the one word Reece had longed to hear her say. He just wished the circumstances could have been different.

  “Dad.”

  “Oh, darling.”

  He walked to her over and sat down in the space left behind by Michael, wrapping his arms around her as she fell apart again.

  “It’s ok,” Reece said to Michael. “We’ll be fine. You go get some rest, you look shattered.”

  “I don’t know what to do, Reece. I’ve never felt so helpless. I just don’t know what to do.”

  “We’ll get through this, Michael. We all will. Somehow.”

  “I don’t want to leave her.”

  “You need a break. Go on. Five minutes. She’ll be fine with me.”

  Michael looked at his broken, beautiful girl as she sobbed in the arms of her father, backing out of the room, not taking his eyes off her until he had to. But Reece was right. He needed some time alone, just to get his head together because he couldn’t fall apart, he didn’t have the time. India needed him and she needed him strong. But he’d just lost his child too, and it was a pain he hadn’t thought was possible.

  Reece watched Michael leave, his heart breaking for him as well as India. He’d just found his child whereas they’d just lost theirs. It wasn’t right and it wasn’t fair and he was as angry as hell.

  “You cry it all out, baby,” Reece whispered, rocking her in his arms, thinking of all the times when she’d needed him and he hadn’t been there, and only glad that, at a time when she needed him more than she’d ever needed him before, he was here. “You cry it all out.”