“Kenny ... come on. Sit down. You obviously need to talk, and I’m happy to listen. Really, I am.”
Kenny turned round and sat down on the arm of the sofa. He did need to talk. He really needed to talk. For some reason.
“All these years I’ve been in love with her, Reece, but, she’s never really loved me back. Not the way I love her. And I thought, I really thought that we’d just, y’know, be together by now. I thought that, once she was over Michael, it would just happen. But it hasn’t, and I don’t think it ever will. Not now.”
Reece found himself feeling sorry for the man in front of him. For all those years he’d done nothing but love his daughter and no matter how stupid and confused his actions had been over the years as far as India was concerned, no matter how wrong some of the things they’d done had been, all he’d ever done was love her.
“You don’t know that, Kenny.”
Kenny nodded. “Yeah, I do. You don’t get as close to someone as I’ve been to India and not get to know them inside out, and I know her, Reece. I know what she’s feeling. And I know she’s never gonna love me like I want her to.”
“So why do you sleep with her? Why continue to do that when you know how she feels, when you know she could just let you go at any minute? Why continue to do that to yourself?”
“Because I can’t walk away. Not until I have to. Not until she makes it clear that she doesn’t need me anymore.”
“She’ll always need you, Kenny. Even I can see that. But you’re making life so hard for yourself, and for her too. This relationship you two have, it isn’t good for either of you.”
“But I need to be in her life, Reece. I can’t leave her alone, I can’t do it. I can’t stop being her friend.”
“I’m not saying stop being her friend, Kenny. I’m just saying, stop blurring the lines. For both your sakes.”
Kenny knew every word Reece had spoken was true, and he’d had no idea what had made him open up so much to India’s father but he was glad it was off his chest. He’d needed to talk. He’d needed to say how he really felt to make himself understand what it was he needed to do.
“She’ll fall in love again, and it’ll kill me, Reece. It’ll hurt like hell ... Jesus …” He felt tears start to blur his vision and he quickly wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. Sixteen years of wishing and hoping, of having her and letting her go and never being able to get her back, it was just all too much. The realisation that she’d never be his was just too much for Kenny to take in, even though he’d known, in the back of his mind for so many years, that this was how it was always going to be. He just hadn’t been able to face up to it, until now.
“I just can’t bear the thought of never being able to touch her like that ... never being able to hold her, make love to her ... we felt so good together, Reece. So good ...”
Reece felt a little uncomfortable listening to Kenny talk about India like that but the poor guy had obviously needed to say it, he’d needed to get it out. He just wished he could tell him something that would make him hurt less, but what could he do? What could he say?
Kenny pulled himself together, pushing a hand through his black hair as he looked at Reece. “I’ll talk to her, ok? Don’t worry.”
Reece smiled at him. When all was said and done Kenny Ross had been in his life just as long as India had, and in some strange way he felt almost like the son he’d never had. He wished he could find happiness just as much as he wished his daughter could. It seemed almost cruel that the two of them couldn’t find that happiness together.
“You’re a good man, Kenny. I’m just sorry I couldn’t have seen that sooner.”
Kenny smiled back, standing up and putting on his jacket. “If we could all turn back time there’d be a hundred things we’d change, Reece. And anyone who says otherwise is lying.”
***
India loved the fact they were in a 24 hour diner in the middle of Los Angeles at ten past one in the morning and that nobody was batting an eyelid. She loved the fact they were dressed in scruffy jeans and t-shirts eating burgers and sharing french fries and that it all felt like something ordinary people would do. But more than anything she was loving being in JJ’s company. He was so different to anyone she’d ever met before. So down-to-earth and grounded. He knew how to make her laugh and he listened as she told him all about her crazy arrival in Hollywood and her less-than-conventional family. She felt about sixteen again, and it was a great feeling.
“You’re either an amazing actor or you’re genuinely interested in my going on about Ethan,” she smiled, suddenly aware that she’d been talking about her son for the past ten minutes without letting JJ get a word in. “And I can’t imagine for one second that you’re in the least bit bothered about my soon-to-be four year old son’s reading ability.”
JJ smiled, looking at her. “I love watching you talk about him. Your whole face lights up, you become so animated, so alive.”
She felt almost shy as her eyes met his and she looked down at the table for a second. “He means the world to me, JJ. He’s the only man in my life who hasn’t lied to me in some way. To think that I never really wanted kids ... to think I might never have had him ...”
JJ reached out across the table and took her hand; an almost reflex action that he’d had no control over and she looked back up at him. But she didn’t let go of his fingers as they touched hers. Not for a few seconds, anyway.
“I’m sorry ... I didn’t mean to ...”
She smiled at him. “It’s ok. Really. I just don’t want any attention brought to us, that’s all. I’m having such a great time. I don’t want anything to spoil it.”
“Are you really? Having a great time, I mean?”
She nodded, playing with the last of the burger on her plate. “It’s been good. I haven’t had a night like this in so long. Not since me and Kenny used to hang out, back in the old days ...” She trailed off, wishing she hadn’t mentioned Kenny. She hadn’t wanted to mention Kenny. He wasn’t even on her mind.
She looked up at JJ again. “You’re like a breath of fresh air, Joe. You really are. I’ve needed something like this, something different ... something real ...”
She looked down again, aware she was rambling but the long night was starting to catch up with her. Looking up at him, she smiled. “I needed this. And, thank you. I mean that. Thank you. It’s been a really lovely night.”
He looked down at his hand as he fiddled with the napkin by the side of his plate. “It doesn’t have to end just yet.” He looked up at her, their eyes meeting, and a jolt of electricity shot through him that almost made him jump. “Does it?”
She didn’t know what to do. She knew what was happening here, it was all too obvious now, but she didn’t know what to do about it. She knew that her stomach was doing those little flips, and that her heart had started beating faster and that just looking at him was making her feel light headed, but she didn’t know what to do next. She didn’t know if she was ready.
He looked back down at the table, and suddenly India knew exactly what she was going to do. She was going to follow her heart, and ignore her head. Just like she’d always done, because she needed someone like JJ. She needed someone.
“No. It doesn’t have to end,” she whispered, reaching out for his hand across the table and sliding her fingers between his, smiling as he looked up at her. So he was younger than her, so what? He was also very different to either Kenny or Michael and that’s what she needed more than anything. Two men – that’s all she’d ever really had in her life, those two men, and it was time to break that cycle. It was finally time to move forward.
They drove back to JJ’s house - a modest detached place close to Beverly Hills and, once inside, India found it hard to believe that he lived alone, it was so tidy and clean and she couldn’t help thinking how messy and cluttered her beach house was with Ethan around. But she wouldn’t want it any other way.
JJ noticed her looking around and smiled. �
�I’m not here that much, that’s why it’s so tidy. By the time I get home all I want to do is watch a bit of TV or listen to some music and then go to sleep. You’ll notice the living room and bedroom are in a very different state to the rest of the house ...” He stopped, realising what he’d said, and looked at India. “I don’t mean that you ... the bedroom, I don’t mean that you have to ... Jesus, I’m sorry.”
She couldn’t help laughing. He was back to being that tongue-tied schoolboy and it was quite endearing. It made him so much more real.
“It’s ok ... listen, do you have something to drink? Beer or wine?”
He pushed a hand through his hair and looked at her, smiling an almost shy smile. “Yeah. Sure. The kitchen’s this way.”
She followed him into a large and very modern room filled with stainless steel appliances, white units and lots of big windows that lined two sides of the walls, looking out onto a small swimming pool and patio area surrounded by palm trees and masses of pink and purple bougainvillea.
There was an island in the middle of the room with a six-ring hob in the centre and a huge cooker hood over the top. It was quite obvious not much cooking was done in this kitchen, though, judging by how spotless it was. India’s looked like it had catered for the five thousand most of the time.
A long breakfast bar was at one end of the room, with stools lined along it, and a huge LCD TV was fixed to the wall opposite that. It was very much a man’s kitchen. Nothing like India’s family-orientated room back at the beach house.
“I’ve got white wine, only opened yesterday so it should be ok. And plenty of beer,” JJ said, opening the fridge.
“Beer would be great,” India smiled.
He took two bottles from the fridge and handed her one, kicking the door shut.
“Come on. We’ll go into the living room, as long as you don’t mind the mess.”
“I’ve got a three year old, Joe. I live in mess.”
They walked into a modest sized room with dark brown walls, beige carpet and two huge oversized chocolate coloured sofa’s that were covered with lots of cream and coffee scatter cushions. An enormous TV dominated one end of the room, mounted on the wall above a large open fireplace. It was a cosy room. India instantly felt comfortable in it.
JJ began running around, picking up CD’s and DVD’s from the floor and tidying up magazines and newspapers on the huge wooden coffee table.
“Joe, will you stop that? Please? Just leave them, I don’t care about mess. Let’s just sit down, ok? Come on.”
He stopped what he was doing and put the magazines back down on the table, sitting down next to India on the sofa facing the fire.
“I guess I’m a bit nervous,” he said, sitting forward, clasping his hands together between his open knees.
“Of me?” India curled her legs up underneath her.
He looked at her and smiled that shy, boyish smile of his. “Yeah. A little.”
“Why?” she laughed. “How am I making you nervous?”
He sat back, putting his hands behind his head. “You’re such a big star, India, and I’m such a fan of yours ...” He looked at her, suddenly serious. “I can’t believe I’m working with you. And I can’t believe you’re here.”
She looked down at her hands, aware that she was fiddling with her clothes, which meant that she was a bit nervous herself. Of what, though? Of JJ? She knew that wasn’t true. She was nervous of something else altogether. Even though she knew it was probably going to happen anyway.
“I’m just a girl from North East England who got lucky, Joe. That’s all.”
He shook his head. “No. No, you’re much more than that.”
She smiled, looking down again because meeting his eyes made her nervous. She didn’t know if it was right, and all of a sudden she didn’t know what to say. It was almost like being back in school, she felt so shy. This was supposed to have just been friends getting to know each other, that’s all it was supposed to have been yet it was fast turning into something else altogether. But she’d known that the minute they’d left the diner. They both had.
Looking back up at him she knew she had to make a decision. She had to do something but it was late and she was tired, and her thinking was all over the place. She felt slightly confused.
“I should probably go home, Joe.”
But she didn’t move. She stayed exactly where she was.
He looked at her, and those deep, dark eyes of his had her mesmerised. “I don’t want you to go,” he said quietly. “I want you to stay. I don’t think you should drive back to Malibu now. It’s too late.”
It was late alright. It was almost three 0’clock in the morning and they both had to be back on set in just over five hours time so she knew that going back to Malibu was pointless. She knew that.
“Stay, India. Please.”
She looked right at him, right into those dark and captivating eyes and she could feel herself being dragged under by the second. She was falling fast and she needed a bit more time to get her head around what was happening here. Just a few more seconds.
She stood up, walking over to her bag, rummaging inside it for her ‘phone before realising she was almost thirty-nine years old. Who did she need to tell that she was staying out all night? She didn’t need to tell anyone. She was just looking for distractions from an inevitable outcome.
He walked up behind her and gently took the ‘phone out of her hand, putting it down on the table, his fingers brushing against hers as he did so and she felt a spark between them as he touched her - that flip of her stomach, that feeling of something new about to happen that you couldn’t control.
“Who’s nervous now?” he asked quietly.
She turned round to look up at him. His handsome face was so close to hers, making her heart beat so loud she was sure he could hear it.
She stayed looking up at him as his fingers lightly touched hers again, sending a shiver right through her, like a tiny electric shock.
“I can make up a room for you. I’ve got three spare ones,” he said, not breaking his gaze, his fingers still holding onto hers. “If that’s what you want.”
“What do you want?” she asked, frightened to look away because now this moment was here, she wasn’t sure she wanted it to end.
“I want you,” he whispered.
Oh, Jesus, she wanted him too. No matter how fast this was happening or how much she knew she should step back a bit first and look at the situation, she wanted him too.
So she closed her eyes and let it happen. She felt his mouth touch hers, gently at first, a touch so light it made her gasp out loud, her grip around his fingers tightening as their mouths touched again in a harder, longer kiss, his arm sliding around her waist, pulling her against him. And that’s when she felt her stomach turn somersaults; her head had started spinning and although she knew this was happening way too fast, she couldn’t stop it. For the first time in years she was feeling awake, alive; she’d found someone who was making her feel as though she could finally move on from Michael and that sense of freedom was overwhelming. It was as if a huge weight had been lifted off her shoulders. This young and incredible man had been sent to help her, to help her move on, she was sure of that now. He’d been sent to give her back her life. In what way that was meant to happen, exactly, she couldn’t possibly have any idea right now; she just knew that she wanted to be with him. That was all she knew.
“So, do we need the spare room?” he asked, stroking her cheek with his thumb.
She shook her head. “No. I don’t think we do.”
“Are you sure?”
She wrapped her fingers around his. “Yeah. I’m sure.”
She felt almost breathless as he led her upstairs, a child-like excitement building up at the thought of being with him, this new and different man, someone who’d walked into her life and was set to change it almost overnight. She hadn’t felt this way in so long she’d almost forgotten how excited it could make her feel – the an
ticipation of a brand new body, a whole new person.
But, as he closed the bedroom door behind them, the nerves took over again; she felt shy and it was stupid, at her age, but that’s what she felt.
“Are you ok?” he asked, picking up on her feelings immediately.
She looked at him. Oh God! There went the somersaults and the butterflies again. Such wonderful feelings that signalled the start of something fresh and exciting and she should just let go and enjoy that, shouldn’t she?
“Maybe we shouldn’t do this,” she said, even though she wanted to, and she didn’t know why she’d said that. Because she really, really wanted to do this. But she’d made so many mistakes in the past. She didn’t want him to be one of them. “I’ve got so much baggage, Joe. So many things you don’t need to be a part of.”
He came over to her, taking her hand and bringing it up to his mouth, kissing her fingers. “Let me be the judge of that, ok?” He pulled her close, tilting her chin up to look at him, and smiled. “Ok?”
She nodded, closing her eyes again as he kissed her slowly, his mouth moving in perfect rhythm with hers. It was a beautiful, special kiss because it marked the beginning of a brand new chapter in her life. A brand new man.
She pulled away slightly, smiling, touching his lips with her fingertips.
“Give me two minutes. I’ll be right back.”
He slowly let her go and she went into the bathroom, closing the door and leaning against it, closing her eyes as she tried to catch her breath. Could she do this? Should she do this? Was it right to bring this man into her complicated and messed-up life? Did he deserve that? But then, didn’t she deserve a new start? For the first time in so long she’d gone hours without giving Michael a second thought, and it had taken over three years for that to happen. It had taken JJ to make it a possibility she’d never thought could ever be real. He’d chased away ghosts and given her hope that there was life after her ex-husband. Michael Walsh. A man she was still trying so hard to forget.
No Matter What Page 65
