No Matter What

by Michelle Betham

They didn’t live together; India loved her independence far too much to give that up again so soon, but they saw each other whenever they could, spending nights at each other’s places when time allowed but it had never been more than one night at a time, up until now. Maybe this trip to Vegas would change that.

  The sex was fast and hard, over with quickly but just what both of them had needed. With JJ it could be anything she wanted it to be. It could be wild and fast or slow and beautiful, whatever India wanted she got, he was that perfect, and she was beginning to realise that she didn’t want to let him go. Maybe she never wanted to let him go. But never was such a definitive word when used in those terms, and there had been a time when she’d thought she’d never wanted to let Michael go, and yet she’d let him go so easily. Or maybe not as easily as she’d first thought.

  “Did you know Michael was here?” JJ asked, coming into the kitchen after his shower.

  India was sitting at the breakfast bar, flicking through a magazine. “Yes. I did.” She looked up at JJ. “Vince told me a couple of hours ago.”

  “Have you seen him?”

  She looked back down at the magazine, continuing to flick through it. “No. And I don’t intend to.”

  “Is that going to be possible? I mean, he’s here for the baby too, isn’t he?”

  She looked up at him again. “Is this going anywhere, Joe? Because I really don’t want to talk about it.”

  He sat down opposite her. “Do you love me, India?”

  Where the hell had that come from? India had no idea what had made him ask that now. She closed the magazine and looked at him. “What do you want me to say to that?”

  “I want to know how you feel about me.”

  He wouldn’t take his eyes off hers and she felt like she’d almost been backed into a corner.

  “You know how I feel about you, Joe.”

  He shook his head. “No, you see, I don’t. I know that you like to be with me, and I know that we have the greatest sex but it’s been almost six months now. Six months, India.”

  She couldn’t say anything for a few seconds. This had taken her so much by surprise that she couldn’t get her head around it. With Kenny, with Michael - especially with Michael - she’d rushed into saying ‘I love you’ and she hadn’t wanted to do that again. Not until she was really sure how she felt. But how did she feel? Because she wasn’t sure she knew.

  “I care about you, Joe. I really do ...”

  He stood up, pushing a hand through his hair, turning away from her for a second before spinning back round to look at her.

  “I’m falling in love with you, India, do you know that? I’m falling head over heels, crazy, stupid in love with you and I need to know what you’re feeling too or ... Jesus, I don’t know.”

  “Or what? Is this some kind of ultimatum, Joe? Tell you I love you or you’re walking away?”

  “If you like.” He sat back down, putting his head in his hands. “No, I didn’t mean it like that,” he sighed, looking at her. “I didn’t mean it like that.”

  “You know how hard it’s been for me, how difficult it’s been for me to get involved with someone again after Michael ...”

  JJ stood up again, almost kicking the stool in frustration. “And that’s where we have the problem, isn’t it? Michael. Do you still have feelings for him? Do you still love him? Is that it?”

  That question almost floored her. No-one had ever asked her that before, so she’d never had to answer it. Even though she knew what that answer would be. She looked back down at the magazine, not wanting to meet JJ’s eyes.

  “No. I don’t have feelings for him and I don’t love him. Not anymore.” Was that true? Was that really true? “But I did. I loved him like I’d never loved anyone before and getting over that took me a long time. I couldn’t just switch them off, those feelings I had for him … not just like that.” She finally looked up at JJ. “But then you came along, Joe. You came along.”

  “But you don’t love me.” His voice was quiet, resigned almost.

  “I didn’t say that.”

  “Then what are you saying, India?”

  “I’m saying … please don’t push me into a corner. Don’t do that to me.”

  He looked at her as she got up and leaned back against the counter, folding her arms.

  “I love you, India. There, I’ve said it, I love you. I want a future with you and I’m not telling you this to back you into a corner or to make you unhappy but, I need to know how you really feel. For both of us, baby. I need to know how you feel. I need to know.”

  “Joe ...”

  But he’d gone. He was out the door, leaving her alone to think about everything he’d just said. And everything she’d just felt.

  She threw her head back, closing her eyes, sighing heavily. Did she need all of this right now? Her ex-husband practically under the same roof and now her boyfriend going all “let’s talk about our feelings” on her?

  She opened the fridge and took out a bottle of white wine, opening it and pouring herself a glass, the immediate hit of the alcohol warming her throat, instantly making her more relaxed. Sort of.

  How did she really feel about JJ? Because the thought that she might lose him over this had suddenly made her feel slightly sick. Why was she so scared of saying the words? Why did the thought of opening up to someone so completely again make her so nervous?

  The sound of the door intercom buzzing brought India back to reality and she went over to it, pressing it.

  “India, it’s Charley. I’m on my way up.”

  Charley couldn’t have timed it better. She could really do with the company right now and she smiled as her best friend came waddling in, nine months pregnant but looking amazing.

  “I’ve just seen JJ,” Charley said, kissing India quickly and sitting down straightaway. “Is everything ok?”

  “He’s just told me he’s in love with me.”

  Charley looked at her, stroking her bump. “And you didn’t reciprocate, I take it?”

  India shook her head.

  “That explains the wine then. And I take it you already know about Michael? Vince said he’d told you.”

  India nodded, sitting down opposite Charley, knocking back the rest of her wine.

  “Do you want to know how he is?” Charley asked.

  “Not particularly.”

  “India ...”

  “No, Charley. I’m not talking about him, ok?” She got up to refill her glass and get Charley some juice. “It’s been nearly four years. Can everyone please stop bugging me about this?”

  “I’m your friend, India. I’ll never stop bugging you about it.”

  India handed her a glass of pineapple juice and sat back down opposite her, taking a sip of wine.

  “Anyway ...” Charley decided to change the subject. It seemed the safer option. “JJ. What’re you going to do about him?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “How do you feel about him?”

  India sighed, sitting back and swinging her feet up onto the table in front of her. “I’m scared, Charley. I’m scared of saying those words, of committing myself again. After Michael ...” She paused for a second, looking out of the window. “... after Michael I vowed that I would never, ever let myself fall in love like that again. Never.” She looked at Charley. “But I’m scared of losing Joe. I’m really scared of losing him, Charley.”

  “When he said he loved you, what did you feel?”

  “Relief.” India couldn’t help laughing. “I felt relieved that someone as wonderful as him could love me but, I just couldn’t say it back. The words wouldn’t come out.” She put her wine down on the table beside her and sat up, leaning forward, pushing her hands through her hair, sighing again. “And the stupid thing is, I think I do love him. I just can’t tell him that.”

  “You deserve to be happy again, India. So why can’t you just go with your heart and tell him how you really feel? If you want the relationship to move forward, may
be it’s what you have to do.”

  India sat back again, picking up her ‘phone. “You’re right. I know you’re right.” She smiled as she started typing out a new message.

  “You texting JJ?”

  “Nope. Bobby. I’ve had enough hassle for one day. I need a night of partying with my gay best friend.”

  CHAPTER 58

  “Bobby, do you not think I’ve got enough glitter everywhere? I’m starting to look like something out of a seventies dance troupe.”

  “You can never have too much glitter, angel, and silver is so you. You look stunning. I could almost fancy you myself.”

  She looked in the mirror and she couldn’t help smiling. This was just what she needed, a night of escapism with the only person who knew how to do it right. Bobby could always be relied on to make her feel better when things were getting on top of her and when she’d suggested a night of clubbing he hadn’t had to be asked twice. Especially when he’d found out it was retro night in one of the Hotel’s clubs, with a 1970’s/1980’s theme.

  He’d suggested they dress all retro too, hence the glitter and India’s choice of outfit which consisted of a powder blue, off-one-shoulder chiffon dress, pulled in at the waist with a thin silver belt, and very high knee-length powder blue stiletto boots. They were in Vegas. Getting hold of anything they needed had been easy.

  Her blonde hair had been put into huge heated rollers and now fell over her shoulders in a style more than reminiscent of Farrah Fawcett in her ‘Charlie’s Angels’ days, and it sparkled with the glitter that Bobby had liberally sprinkled throughout it. Glitter had also been sprinkled all over her shoulders, collarbone and cheeks and her make-up gave more than a nod to the seventies. She did, as Bobby had said, look stunning.

  “Here we go, princess, a little cocktail straight from the very creative mind of my Miguel.”

  She took it from him and looked at it. “What’s in it, Bobby? I know Miguel is a master of the cocktail but some of them he knocks up can be bloody lethal and I’m wearing four inch heels here. I’m not going to look very elegant if I fall flat on my arse within five minutes of entering the club.”

  “Vodka, pineapple juice, gin and brandy.”

  “All Puerto Rican measures too I bet,” she said, sniffing it. “Jesus, Bobby, that’s pure alcohol in there!”

  “You said you wanted some Dutch courage. Incase you bump into Mr Handsome.”

  “There’s a difference between Dutch courage and being knocked out senseless.” She took a sip and felt it go straight to her head, making her giggle immediately. “That’s quite nice, actually.”

  “Told you. My Miguel is an artist with a cocktail shaker and some ice. His wrist action is second to none.”

  “I’m sure it is.” She took another sip and put the drink down. “That’s all I’m having otherwise I’ll be dancing on tables again and that’s never pretty.”

  “No, but at least you’re wearing underwear this time, angel.”

  She stuck her tongue out at him. “That was your fault.”

  “I don’t remember shoving the drinks down your neck that night, missy.”

  She sat down and looked in the mirror again, running her fingers through her hair. “Christ, I’m starting to look like Layla. Without the pumped up tits, of course.”

  “Don’t be ridiculous. You look nothing like her. You look like a beautiful seventies starlet and you are going to have heads turning the second we walk into that club.”

  She turned round and smiled at him. “I love you, Bobby Castle.”

  “I love you too, angel.” He pulled her to her feet, fussing about with her hair. “And what are we going to do if Mr Handsome is around this evening?”

  “I don’t know. I hadn’t really thought about it.”

  “We’re going to show him just what he’s fallen in love with, aren’t we?”

  “Are we?”

  “Yes, we are. Then you’re going to tell him that you love him too, because you do.”

  “I do?”

  “Yes, you do.”

  She smiled, looking at her JJ tattoo. “Yeah. I think I do.”

  “Good. That’s settled then. Can we go now?”

  She took one more look in the mirror, applied one last coat of lip gloss and took Bobby’s hand.

  “Come on then. Let’s hit that club and get partying!”

  ***

  The music was thumping and JJ leaned back against the wall, holding his beer, watching everyone in the club around him as he tried to blend into the background.

  He’d been out most of the afternoon, just walking around and thinking. Maybe he had come on too strong with India. She was right, she’d been through a lot and here he was, six months into the best relationship he’d ever had pressuring the most important person in his life. He couldn’t believe he’d been so stupid and he’d kicked himself so many times for bringing it up now. And why he’d come into this club he didn’t know, he’d just felt like escaping for a while. Or running away. He hadn’t worked out which yet.

  He took a swig of beer and moved further back into the shadows. He didn’t want any attention and he certainly didn’t want any female attention. Not unless it was coming from the only woman he wanted it to come from, and he didn’t even know if she still wanted him anymore.

  He took another drink and looked around him again. That’s when he noticed a group of people looking towards the entrance of the club, heads turning as somebody walked in. Somebody that was obviously drawing a lot of attention and he craned his neck to try and get a better look, his heart hammering away in his chest as he caught sight of the person who’d just made her incredible entrance. His beautiful girlfriend, holding hands with her gay P.A., every male eye in the place directed towards her. With good reason too because she looked amazing. She looked like the ultimate movie star and he couldn’t take his eyes off her. She was laughing at something Bobby was saying and suddenly JJ wasn’t sorry that he’d told her he loved her because he’d meant it. He loved her like crazy. Just watching her now was making him ache for her, but he didn’t move. He stayed right where he was, watching her from the sidelines as she went straight to the bar, still smiling and laughing, talking to everyone around her. She commanded attention without asking for it, it just followed her wherever she went because that was the kind of person she was. Men almost automatically couldn’t help but look at her and she put women half her age to shame. She was still as stunning now as she had been all those years ago when JJ had first watched her up there on the big screen. If not more so in his eyes. She’d grown up, and everything she’d been through had only made her more beautiful. Jesus, he just wanted to go over to her, he wanted to know what was going through her head and what future, if any, they had together, but he couldn’t move. Part of him just wanted to stand there and watch her, even though it was killing him.

  ***

  India loved the music, she loved it’s loudness, loved the fact it reminded her of her teenage years and the nights out she and Charley had had back in the old days, way before their American adventures had begun. She really needed tonight. She needed to cut loose and do what she hadn’t done in a very long time. She needed to party.

  They headed straight for the bar, Bobby ordering some champagne to start with but she knew they’d be on the cocktails before too long. She hadn’t got drunk in a long time either. Maybe it was time to experience that again too.

  “Oh God, Bobby, I love this song!” India screeched, as a Kylie Minogue track filled the room. She grabbed his hand and pulled him out onto the dance floor. “Me and Charley used to dance round our handbags to this one down our local pub in Newcastle most Friday’s. They had the best disco nights there at weekends.”

  “Sounds very classy, angel.”

  “Hey, it was all we could afford back then, mister. A couple of vodka’s and a bit of a flirt with Dave the DJ was our idea of entertainment, believe me.”

  “Yes, well, I bet Dave the DJ’s kicking himself now,
” Bobby said, twirling India round to the music as she laughed.

  And then it happened. She turned around and her eyes locked with his. She’d seen him, and all she could do was stand there, looking at him, neither of them wanting to break the stare. It was like everybody else in the place had just disappeared and they were the only two people left, this white hot burst of intensity filling the room around them.

  “He’s here,” India said, still clinging onto Bobby’s hand. “Joe’s here.”

  She couldn’t stop staring at him as her heart started to beat hard and fast. He was so handsome, so perfect and she couldn’t believe he was hers. If she wanted him. And she wanted him so much.

  “Ok, princess. Remember what we talked about.”

  She gave Bobby’s hand a squeeze, finally breaking the stare between her and JJ as she turned back to face Bobby.

  “I’ll be over there, in that corridor leading to the toilets. If he comes looking for me let him know where I am.”

  “You want him to follow you?”

  She smiled. “Yeah. Of course I want him to follow me.”

  “He’d be crazy not to, angel. Go on, get going.”

  ***

  JJ tried to catch his breath, his heart still beating ten to the dozen and the only thought going through his head was how much he wanted her. When she’d smiled that beautiful, warm smile he knew without a doubt that it was all going to be alright. It had to be. This was his future, this beautiful woman was his and he wanted to shout it from the rooftops.

  She broke the stare first, turning to say something to Bobby before walking away from him and JJ didn’t know whether to follow her or just wait and see what she did next, but he couldn’t just stand there anymore. He put his empty bottle down and started pushing through the crowd, trying to see where she’d gone, trying to find her in this mass of people, ignoring anyone who tried to stop him and talk to him. Tonight he wasn’t in the mood for that. He just wanted to get to India.

  He got to Bobby first, who just indicated over in the direction of the toilets and JJ ran off along the thankfully much quieter corridor, only slowing down when he saw her. She was leaning back against the wall, looking at him, the glitter in her hair sparkling under the lights and he walked over to her, slowly sliding his fingers between hers, his heart still beating like a drum, so loud he could hear it above the music.