No Matter What

by Michelle Betham

  India smiled, thinking he was right. Bobby might be practically married to Miguel but he still harboured that little crush on Kenny.

  “You guys can have some time alone. Ok?” He squeezed her hand. “It’s the right thing to do, India, trying to keep this whole situation as much in control as it possibly can be. For now.”

  She leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. “Thank you, Kenny. For listening. I know that by telling you all this I’m putting everything on your shoulders too and I’m sorry for that …”

  He smiled at her, squeezing her hand. “That’s what I’m here for, babe. I’ll go call Ray.”

  It took just ten minutes for Ray to come over from the main house.

  “You weren’t busy were you?” India asked, taking him into the living room and sitting down on the sofa.

  He shook his head. “No. I was just watching some TV.”

  “Is Joe wondering where I am?”

  “He just thinks you’re here going over the script with Kenny. He’s ok. Last time I saw him he was playing football with Ethan in the hallway.”

  “Is Ellie asleep?”

  Ray sat down next to her. “I read her a bedtime story and she’s fine. Yes, she’s asleep.”

  India felt the tears start again, just thinking about her baby girl. Thinking about the baby that never was. The baby that had never had a chance.

  “But you didn’t get me over here for small talk, did you?”

  She looked at him, shaking her head. “No. Ray ... I want to talk. About what happened, but ... but there’s something you need to know first.”

  She told him about Michael, told him what he knew.

  “He’s a dangerous man, Ray. I just never realised how dangerous he could be, until now.”

  “Is he going to tell JJ?”

  India shrugged. “I really don’t know. I don’t know what he’s going to do anymore.”

  Ray ran a hand through his hair, sighing heavily. “Maybe we should tell JJ.”

  India looked at him, a cold shiver running right through her. “No, Ray. No. I don’t want him to know. He can’t know.”

  “Wouldn’t it be better for everyone if he hears it from us rather than Michael?”

  She shook her head, desperately trying to keep the tears at bay. She was tired of crying. She’d cried far too much and it was time to get strong.

  “Please, Ray. I’m not even sure I’ve got my head around everything that happened myself. I can’t tell him. I can’t.”

  “Ok ... ok. But you’ve told Kenny?”

  She pulled her knees up and hugged them to her chest, resting her chin on them. “I had to tell someone.”

  “You could have come to me.”

  She looked at him again. “You’re here now, aren’t you?”

  He stood up for a second, taking his jacket off and throwing it over the back of the sofa, walking over to the table where the whisky bottle was. “Do you mind if I ...?”

  She shook her head.

  “Do you want one?”

  “No, I’m fine. I’ve got one here.”

  He got himself a drink and sat back down beside her, his eyes meeting hers, a sense of vulnerability emanating out of her as he looked at her. She seemed lost, tired, lonely.

  “What we did ... what I did, I didn’t give you a chance to tell me how you felt, did I? Not really. It was all about me when … when there was two of us involved.”

  He took a drink and put the glass down, clasping his hands between his slightly open knees, looking down at them.

  “Everything was a mess, India. It was an unexpected mess and nobody’s to blame.” He looked at her. “Nobody, India.”

  “Do you ever wonder though, Ray? What that baby would have been like? What might have happened if ...”

  She started crying again, huge, silent tears streaming down her face and he instinctively moved forwards to hold her. They’d been through this together, on opposite sides of The Atlantic but they’d gone through it together and he didn’t want to see her like this, hurting so much. She didn’t deserve it.

  “Come on, it’s alright, it’s ok. It’s ok.” He gently tilted up her chin and looked at her, his heart breaking at the pain in her eyes. “And yes. Yes, I do sometimes wonder but it does no good. Really, it doesn’t. We need to talk about this then put it behind us because it does no good to keep thinking about it, I know that now.”

  She moved away from him slightly, hugging her knees back up to her chest. “The timing just wasn’t right, Ray. I was going through the divorce and that was messing with my head so much. I guess you could say that’s what I was when we ... when we had that night together - messed up. My head was all over the place. All I’d wanted was one night to exorcise all those demons inside me ... an outlet to get rid of all the pain and frustration Michael had put me through. There wasn’t supposed to be a baby. Something so innocent just got in the way and I don’t like what I did but ... but it was the right thing to do. Wasn’t it?”

  Ray nodded, although he hadn’t thought so at the time. He’d wanted to go to L.A., he’d wanted to tell her they could make a go of it, he’d wanted her to know that, but in hindsight he knew she was right. They’d made the only decision they could have made at the time. She’d been going through a high profile divorce and he’d been married. There was nothing else they could have done.

  “I still wish you’d have let me come over to L.A. I could have been with you. You shouldn’t have gone through that alone.”

  “I was ok. It was fine. I have an extremely caring and discreet doctor, he took care of everything. He took care of me. If you’d have come over it would only have attracted attention that we didn’t need.”

  Ray was aware he was wringing his hands and he stopped, noticing she was looking at him doing it. But he had to say it. He had to get it out there. He had to let her know.

  “I would have come for you, India. I would have left my wife and I would have come for you because ... because I shouldn’t have let you get into my head but I did. I did, and if you’d just said the word I would have been there.”

  India looked at him. “Ray ... I had no idea. I didn’t know you felt anything ... I didn’t know ...”

  “Why would you? I was married, I didn’t tell you how I really felt.” He looked at her. “Would it have made any difference?”

  She stared at him for a second. He was so different to JJ. He was older, obviously, but that wasn’t the only thing that made him different. His whole demeanour, the way he acted, everything he did was almost the complete opposite of his younger brother. Ray was the perfect English gentleman with his Home Counties accent and mannerisms whereas JJ was the archetypal California boy. Something drew her to both of them but it was JJ she’d fallen in love with. She’d never had those feelings for Ray.

  She shook her head and reached out, taking his hand. “It was the wrong time. I wasn’t ready to let anyone in, not while I was going through that divorce.”

  “But if things had been different?”

  She stroked his fingers with her thumb, looking down as she did so. “Maybe. I don’t know.” She looked back up. “Maybe.”

  “Did it ... the abortion … how … how did you get through that?”

  “It was very quick, Ray. I was only a few weeks gone. I suppose some people would say you couldn’t even call it a baby at that time but ...” She squeezed his hand as she remembered the empty feeling in her stomach afterwards as she’d lain there crying. A strange and lonely empty feeling. “It was over in minutes.”

  She let go of his hand and stood up, walking around the room, suddenly feeling the need to stretch her legs.

  “India. About JJ ...”

  She stood still and looked at Ray. “What about him?”

  “What if Michael tells him?”

  She leaned back against the wall beside the fire and folded her arms. “He won’t.”

  “Can you be sure of that?”

  She looked down at the floor. “No
. I can’t be sure. Not where Michael’s concerned. I can’t be sure of anything anymore.”

  He came over to her, reaching out and gently tucking a strand of hair behind her ear as she looked up at him.

  “I don’t want to complicate things any more than they already are, India, but, I just want you to know that I ... I cared. I wanted to love you, I wanted you in my life and I know that wasn’t the plan, but, the plan messed up anyway, didn’t it?”

  He put a hand to the side of her face, his thumb gently stroking her cheek and she put her hand over his as they looked at each other.

  “What we did together, some of those things ... you were and always will be my favourite fantasy. I’ll never forget that night.”

  “Ray ...”

  “We could re-live it, all over again, couldn’t we? Right now, right here, one more time, to put an end to it all ...”

  She let go of his hand and walked away from him, pushing a hand through her hair. “I think you need to go now, Ray.”

  “Come on, India; don’t tell me you never once thought about it? You never once thought about doing all of that just one more time? To get it out of your system?”

  “It’s not in my system, Ray, not anymore. I love your brother, ok? And right now I want to be with him, so this conversation’s over. We’re done here.”

  “I’m sorry. I don’t know why I did that, I’m sorry.”

  She turned round to look at him. “It’s been an emotional night. People say things they don’t mean, things they don’t mean to say out loud.”

  “Maybe.” He picked up his jacket, turning to leave. “Are we … are we ok, India?”

  She looked at him, folding her arms against herself, giving him a small but tired smile. “Yeah. We’re ok.”

  She watched him leave. Another complication on her already growing list. The mess was only getting more widespread and she really didn’t know what to do next. All she could hope for was that people didn’t act on what they knew. She had to hope that was the case, because, if it wasn’t, who could predict how it was all going to end.

  CHAPTER 68

  March 2010

  It was a bright, cold and typically Northern late winter day, and location filming on a beach at this time of year in the North East of England wasn’t something anyone would choose to do, but that’s what was happening today. The saving grace was that at least the sun was out.

  Shooting on India, Kenny and Ray’s movie was about to wrap. Today was the last day of filming and, for the most part, it had been ok. At times it had almost been fun, but there’d always been that nagging doubt at the back of India’s mind, that fear that Michael would say something to JJ. So far he’d kept his mouth shut but India wasn’t comfortable. She didn’t like the way he looked at her sometimes, the way he’d watch JJ when he thought she couldn’t see him. It put her on edge. He was playing games, she knew that. Whenever she and Ray had had a scene together he’d made them do it far more times than had been necessary and she couldn’t say anything to him, she couldn’t face up to him on set because if she did she was scared he’d do his worst and she couldn’t risk that. He was sometimes childish and unfair but he was always subtle, and that made her more nervous than anything else.

  But, despite all of that, she’d loved being back in her native North East. She’d loved showing her kids the places she’d used to come to when she’d been young, and the days her and JJ, Ethan and Ellie had spent just wandering around the small Northumberland market towns like a normal everyday family had been some of the best days of her life. It had felt right, it had felt real, so different from the days out back home in L.A. when there was never a member of the paparazzi that far away.

  She wanted more days like that. She wanted her life with JJ to be the life she’d always wanted, and that meant making sure that Michael never told her husband what he knew.

  She stood outside on the cold sand, her jacket wrapped tight around her, her hands warmed by the tea she was holding as she looked out at the vast expanse of the North Sea. At that second she felt an almost magnetic pull back towards the country in which she’d been born. It was a million miles away from the life she knew now but when she was here she was somebody else. She wasn’t India Walsh the movie star. She was just India. And she liked that.

  “You should be in make-up, angel,” Bobby said, walking up next to her.

  “I’m thinking, Bobby.”

  “Yes, well, don’t do that for too long will you; you need energy for the rest of the day.”

  She looked at him and smiled, nudging him playfully. “Shut up.”

  He nudged her back. “What’re you thinking about, anyway?”

  She sighed, taking a sip of tea. “I’m thinking about buying a place over here, Bobby. A nice little hideaway where me, Joe and the kids can come and just get away from it all. Nobody’s really bothered us here and that’s been great. The villages and towns around here have welcomed us all and I’ve loved that. It’s made me feel normal again.”

  “Oh, you’ve never been normal, princess. I’m almost sure of that.”

  She laughed, kicking him gently. “Bugger off to make-up and tell Scott I’ll be there in a minute. I’ve got something to do first.”

  “Like what?”

  “Like never you mind. Go on. I won’t be long.”

  He kissed her cheek and smiled, squeezing her hand before heading off to hair and make-up.

  She waited until he’d gone, finishing her tea and discarding the empty carton in a nearby bin before making her way over to Michael’s trailer. She needed to know what his next move was going to be, or if he was even going to make any move at all. He was that unpredictable. So she needed to know, she needed to have some idea.

  He opened the door and she looked at him. He looked tired and she hoped it was the sleepless nights caused by guilt that was doing it.

  “It’s not a good time, India,” he sighed, looking back over his shoulder into the trailer.

  “This whole movie hasn’t exactly been a good time for me, Michael, so guess what? Life’s a bastard sometimes.”

  She pushed past him, going inside, giving a cynical laugh as she came face to face with Layla Boyd. She folded her arms and looked at her.

  “Well well. If it isn’t the future fifth Mrs Walsh.”

  Layla stood up, a defiant look on her face.

  India just smiled at her. “Oh, don’t worry, Barbie. I haven’t come to fight you for him, you’re welcome to him. Just, not right now. I need to talk to him.”

  “You can’t just walk in here demanding to see him, who the hell do you think you are?”

  India moved a step closer to Layla, looking her right in the eye. “I’m the mother of his child, sweetheart. You’re only sleeping with him.” She turned to look at Michael. “Get her out of here.”

  “India, come on ...”

  “Get her out of here, Michael!”

  He sighed again, walking over to Layla, gently touching her arm. “I’m sorry, baby. Just give me five minutes, ok?”

  She looked at him, then at India. “Ok. Five minutes.”

  India watched her leave, waiting until the door closed behind her before she turned back to look at Michael.

  “You’ve got no right to speak to her like that, India.”

  “I’ve got every fucking right after what you’ve done to me.”

  “None of it’s her fault.”

  “Isn’t it? So, that DVD of you fucking her that she gave me six years ago was just a figment of my imagination was it?”

  He looked at her. She was so cold, so hard and that was his fault. He knew that. He’d handled this all wrong but he couldn’t take it back now. He couldn’t change what had happened, no matter how much he wanted to. Had he ruined it all over again by doing what he’d done?

  “Are you going to tell JJ?”

  “Tell him what?”

  “Stop playing games, Michael. You know what. Are you going to tell him about me and Ray?”
/>   “I don’t know.”

  She looked at him, right into those blue eyes she’d once loved, eyes that had lied to her so many times and she had to fight with her emotions to forget how much he’d once meant to her. Because that man was still in there somewhere, he had to be. She refused to believe he’d never been there at all.

  “Did you ever really love me?” she asked, her voice quiet.

  “Too much,” he whispered. “I loved you too much. I still do.”

  “How can you? How can you love me if you’re doing this? If you’re letting this threat hang over my head? How can you possibly love me? What is it, huh? If you can’t have me then why should anyone else?”

  He didn’t say anything to that and she stared at him.

  “Oh, my God. That’s it, isn’t it? That’s really it.”

  “India ...”

  “You’d do that to me? You’d actually do that to me?”

  “I don’t know. Everything’s such a mess ...”

  “Quite an understatement there, Michael.”

  He looked at her, her face still so beautiful despite the hardness that was now there, a coldness he hadn’t seen when they’d been together.

  “Sleep with me, India. Sleep with me again and I’ll tell JJ nothing. I won’t mention a thing, it’ll be our secret.”

  She couldn’t believe what she’d just heard. Had he actually just said that?

  “You’ve got to be kidding me. Are you kidding me?”

  He continued to look at her, not taking his eyes away from hers. “I’m serious, India. If you don’t want JJ to know about you and his brother then all you have to do is sleep with me one more time. It’s only sex, after all. Isn’t that what it was between you and Ray Foster? Just sex?”

  “Who the hell are you, Michael? Because I don’t recognise you anymore.”

  “Just once. That’s all you have to do. One quick fuck and your secret’s safe.”

  She moved forward and slapped him hard, so hard her hand stung.

  “Don’t you ever think about your son?” she asked quietly.

  He put a hand to the side of his face, turning to look at her again. “I’m always thinking of him.”