No Matter What

by Michelle Betham

  Kenny pushed a hand through his hair, unable to believe all this was happening. Michael Walsh had a lot to answer for. He’d done some shit in his time but this was something else. Did he have any idea just how much damage he could have caused?

  “Did you know about her and Ray?” Kenny asked.

  Reece leaned back against the counter top and took a sip of the hot black coffee. “No. I didn’t. I can’t believe she went through all of that and told nobody, Kenny. How must she have been feeling? And Ray ... he must have been going through it too. In his own way.” Reece sighed heavily, throwing his head back and closing his eyes for a second. “It’s such a bloody mess! Why didn’t she just tell someone?”

  “Her head was all over the place, Reece. It was a tough time for her as it was.”

  Reece stared down into his coffee. Everything just felt so surreal. He was trying his best to make everything ok for the kids because they had no idea of the dramas going on around them. But it was hard work and he was feeling the strain more than he cared to show.

  “Jesus, Reece. It’s been three days now,” Kenny said, breaking into Reece’s thoughts. “She’s been up there for three days and somebody needs to get through to her. We can’t just leave her there.”

  “Do you not think I’ve tried?” Reece was slightly agitated now. He knew all of this. He knew they couldn’t leave her there but what could he do? “I’ve tried everything, believe me. But she just won’t respond.”

  “Then I’ll kick the fucking door in.”

  Kenny started to walk out of the room but Reece ran over and grabbed his arm, stopping him in his tracks. “Is that really the best way to handle this?”

  “It seems apparent it’s the only way, Reece. If she won’t come out and talk to anyone then she’s leaving me no other choice.”

  Reece let go of his arm but Kenny stayed where he was, sighing heavily as he leaned back against the wall, kicking out at it in frustration. “Shit, Reece, this is fucking unbelievable! Are we just gonna let Michael get away with this?”

  Reece turned away and walked back over to the kitchen table. Kenny watched his body language, watched him closely as his shoulders almost tensed up.

  “Reece? What’s going on?”

  Reece didn’t turn round at first, not until Kenny asked him again.

  “What’s happening here, Reece?”

  He slowly turned around to look at Kenny. “He’s coming over here. Soon.”

  “What? Michael’s coming here? You’re letting him into this house? Are you fucking crazy? After what he’s done?”

  “He’s still Ethan’s father, Kenny, and he wants to say goodbye to him before Martha takes him back to L.A. Michael’s not going back to The States just yet and he wants to see his son. And you know how India feels about Ethan’s contact with his dad.”

  “That was then, Reece, for fucks sake, things have changed. How do you know what she’s feeling now?”

  “How can I know, Kenny, when she won’t talk to me? So I’m not stopping my grandson from seeing his father, no matter what he’s done, ok? Ethan knows nothing of the turmoil and that’s the way it stays. So yes, he’s coming here and I don’t like it any more than you do but I’m putting Ethan first. God knows his mother doesn’t want to see him so let’s give him his father at least. And as for that little girl, she needs her father too. How can India be so selfish? Has she any idea what she’s putting those babies through?”

  Kenny could see the strain in Reece’s face. Once again he was taking on everything and so far he’d handled it all extremely well, given the circumstances. Who was he to start throwing his weight about when Reece had it all as under control as it possibly could be right now?

  “I’m going to talk to her,” Kenny said, starting to walk out of the room.

  “Kenny ...”

  He turned around and looked at Reece.

  “Just be careful, Kenny. Please. She’s so unhappy right now ... she’s so fragile.”

  “I just want to make sure she’s ok. I need to do that. Don’t I?”

  Reece nodded before Kenny turned away, almost running up the winding staircase to India’s room. When he got there he started banging hard on the door.

  “India? It’s Kenny! Come on, open the door! Open the door or I’ll kick it down, and you know I will! I’ll do it! You’ve got ten seconds, babe, ten seconds then I’m kicking it down!”

  He waited, leaning back against the wall, listening for sounds of movement inside and, as soon as he heard the key turn in the lock, he immediately grabbed the handle and opened the door.

  India looked up at him as he came into the room and his heart almost broke at the sight of her. She was sitting in the centre of the huge bed, her knees drawn up to her chest, her eyes red and sore from the obvious crying she’d been doing, her face stained with tears. She was wearing a shirt that he assumed was JJ’s and she was constantly fiddling with her wedding ring, her tired and swollen eyes empty and sad. So sad. He’d never seen her look so low before and it hit him hard.

  “You look like shit, India.”

  She looked up at him again as he sat down beside her, gently touching her arm. She was cold, freezing almost.

  “You’re going to make yourself ill, do you know that?”

  “I don’t care,” she said, staring down at her wedding ring, slowly turning her wrist round to look at her JJ tattoo.

  “Well, you might like to know that the rest of us do care, and what you’re doing here could quite easily be seen as selfish. Don’t you think?”

  She slowly turned to look at him, her eyes so expressionless it was almost frightening. “I don’t care, Kenny. All I care about is Joe and he won’t even pick up the ‘phone and talk to me. He doesn’t want to know and I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can’t do anything without him. I can’t. I don’t want to.”

  “India, come on, you’re scaring me, baby. I don’t want to hear you talking like that. You’re upset ...”

  She looked at him again and this time there was a flash of anger in those dead, almost impassive eyes.

  “Yes, I’m upset, Kenny. I’m fucking upset! I love him and he won’t talk to me, he won’t listen to me and I can’t handle that, I can’t ... I can’t handle that.”

  More silent tears started falling down her already stained cheeks and Kenny felt helpless. He was out of his depth here; he didn’t know what to do. He’d never seen her like this before. Not even after Terry’s death. She’d been upset then, yes, of course she had, but she’d let people in, eventually. She’d let them be with her, she’d let them comfort her. This time she’d put up an even bigger barrier and he couldn’t get past it.

  “Your dad’s worried about you, India. He needs to know you’re ok. We all do.”

  She said nothing, she just continued to stare at her wedding ring as she turned it round and round on her finger.

  “Come on, give me something here, babe, work with me. All I want to do is help you.”

  “You can’t help me, Kenny. How can you help me?” She looked at him. “Can you make Joe come back to me? Can you make him listen to me?”

  “No ...”

  “Then you can’t help me.”

  He felt any control he had over this situation slipping away from him. She’d just shut down. She’d completely shut down.

  “And what about the kids, India? They need you.”

  “They don’t need me. Not like this. They’ll be fine with mum and dad.”

  “They’re going back to The States today, do you know that? Martha’s taking them home, India. Don’t you want to see them before they go?”

  She shook her head. Just thinking of Ellie and how much she looked like her daddy made her heart break all over again and Kenny could see the pain in her face, so strong he almost felt it too.

  “I need to be with Joe. I just need to be with him so much, Kenny, and this is killing me. I don’t know what to do. I just feel lost ...” She suddenly stopped talking, looking towards the
closed bedroom door then back at Kenny. “That’s Michael’s voice … out there, that’s Michael’s voice.”

  “India, hang on babe …”

  India jumped off the bed and Kenny ran after her, trying to grab her arm before she flung open the door but he was too late. She was face to face with her

  ex-husband and there was nothing anybody could do now.

  “You fucking bastard!” she screamed, pushing Michael so hard he stumbled backwards. “You fucking evil bastard! Do you know what you’ve done? Do you?”

  Michael regained his balance, grabbing onto the banister beside him, reaching out to India but she stepped backwards, away from him.

  “India, come on ...” Kenny said, trying to take her hand but she pushed him away.

  “Leave it, Kenny!” She looked at Michael again, feeling nothing but hate as she stared at the man who’d wrecked her life with one selfish act. “Have you any idea what you’ve done? You made him go, you made him leave and I hate you for that, I fucking hate you!” Her voice was still raised and she ran at him again, lashing out with her arms and fists, stopping only when Kenny pulled her away, tears still streaming down her face and Michael just looked at her. He’d done this and it wasn’t what he’d wanted to do. He hadn’t wanted to see her in this much pain, he really hadn’t. But he hadn’t been thinking straight, he hadn’t been in a good place, and seeing her like this was a punishment he didn’t want to have to go through, it was too painful.

  She was looking at him now, Kenny holding her back whilst her father watched on with the sad and tired eyes of a man who couldn’t bear to see his daughter go through all of this, and Michael felt like the bastard she’d told him he was. How could he be anything else when he’d done this to her? To the woman he still loved so much.

  As she spoke to him again her voice was quieter, but the tone of sadness mixed with hate was still very much there. “You took the one thing I love and you ripped him away from me. You tore the centre out of my world and I will never, ever forgive you. He’s gone, are you happy about that? Is that what you wanted, Michael? Is it?”

  “India, please ...”

  “I wouldn’t sleep with you so you told him and now he’s gone and he won’t even talk to me. He won’t let me explain and you did that, Michael. You did that and I’m in so much fucking pain I can’t even describe it. I hurt like I’ve never hurt before and you did that so I hope you’re fucking proud.” She shook Kenny’s hands off her arms, still staring at Michael. “You got what you wanted. You got the result you were after. So go and say goodbye to Ethan and get out of this house.”

  “India, I’m sorry ...”

  “Sorry? You’re sorry? You think sorry is going to bring my husband back? Do you? Do you think being sorry will make it all ok again?” She turned away from him and Kenny took her in his arms, holding her tight as she let more silent tears fall down her face. She wanted to shut the world out again, she wanted to close her eyes and not open them until JJ was back in her life because when she closed her eyes the pain eased a little. When she was asleep it didn’t hurt so much.

  “Come on, Michael,” Reece said, knowing he had to stay strong here. He had to handle this carefully so as not to scare Ethan, despite the fact he wanted Michael as far away from his daughter as possible. Seeing her like that had shaken him but he had to handle this very carefully. “Ethan’s down in the playroom. You can say goodbye, then I think it’s best that you leave.”

  “I need to see she’s ok, Reece.” Michael hadn’t been prepared for what he’d just seen. He knew he’d hurt her. The second he’d told JJ what he knew he’d hurt her. But he hadn’t expected her to be quite so out of it. He hadn’t expected to see her like that and it scared him.

  “Does she fucking look ok?” Kenny shouted, knowing that if he wasn’t holding India he’d have laid him out.

  “Ok, Kenny. I’ve got this,” Reece said, hearing Ethan’s excited voice out in the hallway downstairs. “Ethan’s down in the hall now so let’s just keep it calm, alright? Just look after India, and I’ll take care of this. Come on, Michael.”

  Michael looked at the broken image of his ex-wife. She looked so small and vulnerable as she stood in the arms of her closest friend, someone who, for eighteen years, had been willing to fight for this beautiful woman, and it looked like he always would be.

  “I didn’t want to hurt you, India. You have to believe that. I didn’t want to hurt you.”

  She turned to look at him, still holding onto Kenny. “No. You never do, do you?”

  She walked back into the bedroom, away from a man she didn’t even want to look at anymore, going into the en-suite bathroom and looking in the mirror. The image staring back at her shocked her. Her eyes were red, her face tired and drawn and pale. She had to pull herself together, she knew that, but she just didn’t have the energy. She didn’t have the will or the fight. She just wanted her husband back and he wasn’t here, so what was there left to go on for?

  She ran the cold tap, splashing the icy water over her face but none of it made her feel any better.

  “Are you ok?” Kenny asked, leaning against the doorpost, his arms folded as he looked at her.

  “What do you think?” She pushed past him and went back into the bedroom, sitting down on the edge of the bed, a sudden wave of emptiness washing over her that made her clutch her stomach as yet more tears started streaming down her face.

  “India …” Kenny sat down next to her, taking her hand.

  “I don’t even know what I’m crying for anymore, Kenny. I don’t know what’s going on in my head, I’m so confused … seeing Michael …”

  She closed her eyes and let the tears fall, feeling Kenny’s fingers tighten around her hand.

  “You should get some rest, India.”

  “Like I’m going to be able to sleep.”

  “I’ll stay with you.”

  She looked at him. She didn’t know what she’d do if he wasn’t here.

  “Come on, lie down. You look shattered.”

  She lay back on the bed and he lay down beside her, pulling her into his arms as she snuggled in against him. He felt safe and familiar and warm and she needed that right now. She needed to feel safe.

  “Close your eyes, baby, come on.”

  He stroked her hair, kissing her gently as she closed her eyes and all he wanted to do was keep her protected, shield her away from everything that could hurt her because he loved this woman. He’d loved her for over eighteen years and that was never going to change. If only things had been different all those years ago; if only they’d all known then what they knew now. But he had a feeling that, no matter what, there was one thing she would never change. And he knew, in his heart of hearts, that that one thing was Michael Walsh.

  CHAPTER 71

  India drove through the Northumbrian countryside which, even in the cold March sunshine, looked stunning, peaceful and calm, something she’d been herself for the past couple of days. Calm. And she didn’t know why, considering everything was falling apart around her.

  She listened as the satellite navigation system told her to turn left at the next junction and she made her way along the narrow winding private road that led up to a modest-sized barn conversion. Parking the car she got out and leaned back against it for a second, closing her eyes as she took a long, deep breath, running her hands through her hair and walking towards the front door, ringing the bell, taking a step back as she waited for it to be answered.

  When it opened she moved forward again, waiting for the second he looked at her.

  “India!”

  “Can I come in?”

  “Yeah … yeah, of course you can.” He stood aside and she walked past him into the large, cosy living room. “I didn’t …”

  “Expect to see me? No. I can’t imagine you did.”

  “Are you … I was going to ask if you were ok but, that’s a stupid question really, isn’t it.”

  She said nothing, just looked around the roo
m, her hands in her pockets. “Layla not with you?”

  “She had to go back to The States.”

  “You must miss her.”

  He didn’t reply. “India …”

  She swung round to look at him. He looked tired. She could see his face much clearer now he’d lost the beard and he looked exhausted.

  “I shouldn’t be here,” she whispered. “I wasn’t even sure I could look at you again. I didn’t want to … you hurt me so much and I still miss my husband like crazy but, I had to know …” She turned away from him, taking her coat off and throwing it over the back of a chair.

  Michael watched her as she walked around the room. She seemed lost, and so alone. He’d never wanted this for her; he’d never wanted to see her like this, yet this was what he’d done. All his own work. Nothing to be proud of. He’d destroyed her life and at the same time destroyed his own. Great job.

  She turned back round to look at him. “You know, I should hate you. I told you I hated you and I should mean that. I should want to hurt you like you hurt me, I should want to put you through as much pain as you put me through. I should want to kill you, that’s what I should be feeling. But, do you know what, Michael? Do you know what the cruellest, most insane thing is?” She shook her head. “I don’t feel any of that. Not really. I hate what you did. I hate that you had to go there and do that and make Joe leave like he did, I hate that you did that. But I don’t hate you, and God help me I should. But I can’t …” She felt sick and so tired but she had to do this. Even though it was hurting like hell. “I can’t because I look at you and I know – I know that you’re in there somewhere, the man I fell in love with, you’re in there, and that man never meant to hurt me.” Tears were stinging the back of her eyes and she looked up at the ceiling, blinking them back as she bit down on her bottom lip, but she couldn’t stop them from falling. Six years of pain were suddenly being unleashed and she couldn’t stop it.