No Matter What

by Michelle Betham

  “India ... I didn’t mean it like that, babe. Really. I didn’t mean ...”

  “It’s ok,” she said quietly. “You’re right. None of this was Ethan or Ellie’s fault and I shut them out. They didn’t deserve that ... my own kids ...”

  Reece went over to her, cuddling her close as she started crying again.

  “I completely ignored my own kid’s, dad. I didn’t even say goodbye to them. How did that make them feel? Their own mother and I didn’t even say goodbye and now they’re thousands of miles away ...”

  Reece looked over at Kenny, beckoning at him to come over. He took India in his arms as Reece went outside to get Michael.

  He stroked her hair, kissing the top of her head gently as she held onto him. “I’m sorry, India. That came out all wrong and I shouldn’t have said it. We’ll call them later, ok? We’ll call them and you can talk to them later.”

  She looked up at him, letting him wipe away her tears. The best friend she’d ever had, and yet, for most of that time, she’d been anything but fair to him and still he stood by her. He’d never left her side and she loved him so much. She’d love him forever.

  “I just wish he’d talk to me, Kenny. I wish Joe would just talk to me. I’m so miserable without him. I’m so tired ...”

  “I know, baby. I know.” He wanted to say that surely what she was doing with Michael wasn’t helping anything but he knew that was a bad idea, so he just kissed her quickly, hugging her close, looking up as Michael walked into the room, followed closely by Reece.

  Reece looked over at Kenny, indicating to him to leave them alone but Kenny was reluctant. He didn’t like the idea of leaving her on her own with a man who had such a powerful hold over her it was unbelievable. But she wanted to do this on her own and he had to respect that. Even if he didn’t think she was in any fit state to handle it right.

  “We’ll be next door,” Kenny said, letting go of India, staring at Michael as he walked past. “If you need us.”

  Michael watched Reece and Kenny leave, the door closing behind them as he turned to look at India. She still looked so fragile yet she hadn’t lost any of the beauty she’d carried with her throughout her whole life. Even now, as she stood there in front of him with no make-up, her hair pulled back from her tear stained face, even now she was stunning. But an air of sadness was all around her, and it pulled at his heart.

  She looked at him briefly, moving over to the sofa at the back of the kitchen, sitting down on it, tucking her legs up underneath her, and he watched as she looked down at her left hand, twisting her wedding ring round her third finger.

  “I need to say I’m sorry,” he said quietly, sitting down in the chair opposite her. “All of this, it should never have got this far. Everything that happened …”

  “He still won’t talk to me, Michael.” She continued to fiddle with her wedding ring. “He doesn’t understand. He won’t give me a chance to explain.” She slowly looked up at him, and his heart broke at the pain in her eyes. “I love him so much, and being without him like this ... it’s so painful. So painful …”

  More silent tears started streaming down her face and Michael just wanted to hold her, to comfort her. He’d been able to make everything better once upon a time but this time - this time he’d caused the pain. This time he couldn’t hold her and tell her it would all be alright. This time everything was his fault. She was right. He’d done this to her and it was killing him.

  “India, you have to believe me ...”

  “Don’t say you’re sorry, Michael. Please. Just, don’t say it again. I know you are. It just ... it doesn’t make things any easier. Nothing makes it any easier.”

  He looked down at his clasped hands. How had it all come to this? How had he let it get this bad? Why couldn’t he have just trusted her? She’d always come back to him. Always. He could have been happy with that; he could have still had her by his side if he’d just been happy with that. Making love to her again, even in these heartbreaking circumstances, had made him realise how much his life still revolved around her and every day the pain got worse because he’d felt it, every time he’d touched her, he’d felt her slipping further and further away from him and he couldn’t handle it. But he was going to have to get used to it.

  He took a deep breath before he spoke again. “I’m ... I’m going to ask Layla to move in with me. I thought you should know.”

  She looked up at him, and for a split second - the briefest of seconds - she felt a stab of something she could only describe as jealousy.

  “I thought you should know, because of Ethan.”

  Just hearing Ethan’s name made the tears fall again and she looked away, out of the window. They were on it now, the road to goodbye. And there was no turning back.

  “Have you told him yet?”

  “No. I wanted to talk to you first.”

  She turned to look at him again. “It’s really got nothing to do with me, what you do anymore, Michael. I don’t care.”

  And those three words cut through him like a knife. She didn’t care. They cut through his very soul because it gave him the answer, an answer he’d already known but had never had the strength to face up to before. He’d always buried himself in false hope because the truth hadn’t been what he’d wanted to hear, but now he knew. She wasn’t coming back to him. He didn’t love Layla. Not really. Well, maybe he loved her but he’d never been in love with her, because he would always be in love with the woman here in front of him. It was pointless fighting that anymore. But she was never coming back to him, and he was lonely. Layla loved him, he knew that. She loved him and she wanted to be with him and that was good enough for him. It had to be. It was all he had.

  “I can’t bear to see you like this, India.”

  She didn’t say anything, just looked down at her hands again.

  “I want you to be happy,” he went on, and this time she did look up at him.

  “Then make my husband love me again.”

  Those words almost crushed him. They were hard to hear because he’d caused all the pain she was going through. It was because of him that she was in this state, her marriage in ruins, and he couldn’t make it better. He couldn’t do that.

  “India ... everything I did was because I loved you. You need to know that. I want you to know that, and I need you to listen to me because it’s the truth. It’s the truth and you have to believe that. Everything I did, every stupid, stupid thing I did was because I loved you so much.” He took a deep breath as she looked up at him again. “I was obsessed with you. I mean, really obsessed. From the second Vince showed me a photograph of you almost nineteen years ago, before I’d even met you, from the second I saw your picture you were under my skin and I wanted you. I wanted you so bad.”

  She stared at him, letting him speak.

  “And when I finally met you, at the screen test, I knew then I had to have you. It kicked in big time, India, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I was so jealous of Kenny Ross, I always was, I always craved the relationship he had with you because I wanted to be that close to you. I wanted to be with you all the time. You were in my head constantly. You were the first thing I thought of when I woke up in the morning and the last thing I thought about before I went to sleep. I used to dream about what it would be like to touch you ... to kiss you, to make love to you. It was all I wanted. You were all I wanted.” He looked down at his hands again, hands that were now balled into fists as he spoke. “That obsession was the thing that killed us in the end, though.” He looked back up at her, his eyes meeting hers. “It killed us, didn’t it?”

  She was still staring at him. “I had no idea ...”

  “I couldn’t have you find out how much you’d got to me. I was afraid you’d back off, get scared. I was like a kid with a teenage crush. I had pictures of you everywhere, I watched your movies all the time, and then, before I’d even had time to get used to the idea, you were mine. You were finally mine. My dream had come true and ye
t still ... still I couldn’t lose that obsession. I was obsessed with getting you, and then once I’d got you I was obsessed that I’d lose you, and I did. I lost you because of my own inability to love you the way you deserved to be loved. But even then, even after I’d lost you I was still obsessed. It was like I’d come full circle and once again I was obsessed with getting you back and I realise now how dangerous that became. You didn’t deserve any of it, India. You didn’t deserve me.”

  All those years he’d felt that way. All those years and she’d had no idea just how deep his feelings had really gone – until now. She felt like she’d been winded slightly.

  “I loved you, Michael. I really loved you. You should have just been happy with that.”

  He looked at her, her blue eyes so sad and unhappy. “I know,” he whispered. “And if I could turn back the clock ...”

  “Don’t, Michael. Please. Don’t.”

  She stood up, walking over to the window, looking out at the blanket of snow that covered the huge garden at the back of the house.

  “Out of all that mess came our baby, Michael, and he needs us. He needs us as his mum and dad.”

  She felt him walk up behind her, gently touching her waist and she closed her eyes. For a brief second she was back to the time when he’d been her life. She was back to the time when she couldn’t bear to be away from him, when a touch like this had sent her heart skipping and set a million butterflies loose in her stomach so she didn’t push him away. The fight had gone; the hate had subsided because she was right. Ethan needed them, and he needed them as parents. He didn’t need them fighting each other. And they didn’t need this messed up relationship they were in the middle of right now.

  “I will always love you, India,” he whispered, his mouth close to her ear as he stood behind her. “Always. Remember that.”

  She slowly turned around, his hand still resting lightly on her hip as she looked up at him, and it was with an almost instinctive reaction that she reached out and touched his mouth, her fingertips gently running over it.

  He looked at her, looked into her eyes, watched her face, and what he felt was almost like a bereavement. He was losing her, he knew that. What was happening here was a goodbye to any hope he’d once had that she was coming home to him and it was painful, but at the same time he needed it to happen. They both did.

  “India...”

  Her eyes met his again and he felt his heart shatter into a thousand pieces. He wanted to go back and put everything right, more than anything he wanted that. He wanted to go back and make all those bad times go away, make sure they never happened. He wanted to love her again, but he couldn’t. He wanted her to love him back but that was never going to happen. Not anymore. He only wished he’d realised that earlier.

  “I will always, always love you,” he whispered again, his eyes clouding over with tears he didn’t deserve to cry.

  She was crying too. Huge, silent tears falling down her beautiful face and he lowered his mouth down onto hers in a kiss that signalled the end. A goodbye kiss, and she didn’t stop him. She didn’t push him away. She closed her eyes and kissed him back, remembering the days when all she’d wanted to do was kiss this man. She closed her eyes and lost herself in him one last time and it was ok. It was fine. It was getting rid of the ghosts, closing the door on a painful past she could now move on from. If only JJ would come back to her.

  The thought of her husband made her pull away from Michael, letting go of him, turning around to look out of the window again.

  “We’re going to be ok,” she whispered, and she meant it. They were. All that hate and anger, all those years of resenting him, all the confusion of the past few weeks, it was all over. She’d finally forgiven him. For the sake of their son she’d forgiven him, and it felt ok. It really did. They’d taken a crazy and dangerous route to get here but they’d finally made it.

  “JJ ... he should know what an amazing woman he has. He should know that. He needs to know that, because if I thought you loved me like you so obviously love him, I’d be at your side in a heartbeat. In a heartbeat, India.”

  She turned round to look at him as he started to walk out of the room. He had to go before he had the chance to do anything he was going to regret because, when he’d said he’d always love her, he’d been telling the truth. He would always, always love her. It was something he was going to carry with him for the rest of his life, but at least she was in his life, and he knew he was lucky that she was. It was more than he deserved.

  “Michael?”

  Her voice made him turn around and he looked at her. He wanted to look at her forever. That’s all he wanted to do.

  “I do still love you, Michael. I want you to know that. I love you, so much. But we can’t … it wouldn’t work.”

  “I know,” he said quietly. “I know.”

  She watched him walk out the door, and as it closed behind him she sank to the floor and cried. Cried for the days when he’d made her so happy, and the days when he’d hurt her so much. She cried for the husband Michael had once been and the new husband she needed back. She cried until she thought she could cry no more, and she knew that if JJ didn’t come back to her she’d be crying like this every day and she’d rather die than do that. The pain was too great, it hurt too much. She’d rather die than go through this anymore. She’d rather die.

  CHAPTER 73

  The view across the River Tyne was one India hadn’t realised she’d missed until she found herself looking at it. It was almost as if she’d come full circle from that night back in November 1991 when Reece had approached her at that charity dinner. When she’d still been a legal secretary and had no idea that the man standing there in front of her was her father. When she’d had no idea of the life that had lain ahead of her.

  She stood at the window of the rented apartment she was sharing with Kenny on the banks of the famous North East river, watching as the sun started to rise, shedding it’s early morning glow across her home city. There were new buildings in place now, like the one she was currently living in, they’d sprung up all over the banks of The Tyne, on both sides of the river. The whole area had changed in the years she’d been away but the view of the Tyne Bridge, that landmark of the city of Newcastle-upon-Tyne, that would always stay the same. It always screamed home to India. It pulled her towards this place, a place she’d once been reluctant to leave, but she’d leave it now. If JJ told her to. All he had to do was say the word and she’d be on a ‘plane back to L.A. but so far - so far he hadn’t wanted to talk to her at all. And that meant that every day she woke up with a heart that ached and a body that missed her husband so much it was a physical pain she was unable to take for too long.

  She’d withdrawn from the world almost. She spoke to Ethan and Ellie on the telephone, trying not to cry as her little boy talked about what he was doing, asking when she was coming home and she couldn’t tell him. She couldn’t tell him because she didn’t know. She spoke to Reece, who was now back in L.A. and looking after the kids, although she knew from talking to him that JJ had Ellie at home most of the time. Their home. Their once perfect, happy family home. But the only person she really wanted to speak to was JJ. His was the only voice she wanted to hear, and she hadn’t heard it for so long. Too long.

  Kenny was being the best friend he’d always proved himself to be and she couldn’t be more grateful. He just hadn’t been willing to leave her alone. That final meeting with Michael before he’d left for L.A. had floored her completely and she’d needed him after that, she really had. She knew he was putting everything on hold - he’d delayed work on a new movie to be with her - and she knew this was affecting his life as well as hers but there was still a part of her that couldn’t function rationally. There was still a part of her that just wasn’t working and she couldn’t get herself together. She just couldn’t do it, and the fact that he was still here, still waiting while she tried to get herself back on track, well, it spoke volumes. He was a very special man
.

  She walked back into her bedroom and sat down on the bed, crossing her legs underneath her. The morning sun broke through the gap in the curtains but she didn’t feel like opening them. She just wanted to sit in the darkened room for a little while longer, letting the endless thoughts race round her head, so fast they made her dizzy. And once again that familiar, agonising pain – like someone twisting a knife through her heart – hit her as it always did every morning when she woke up to find that JJ wasn’t there. It had never subsided, never gone away, never eased. Not since the day he’d left her. It was with her constantly. Oh, there was always those few seconds when she first woke up when she thought everything was fine, but then she’d turn over and see he wasn’t there and the pain would cascade over her with a speed so intense it was breathtaking. It knocked her sideways every single day and she was tired of feeling like that. She was tired of being unhappy.

  She grabbed some clothes from the wardrobe and went into the bathroom, splashing cold water on her face and quickly cleaning her teeth. Every day she woke up hoping to feel a little better, a little more alive but those feelings never came. She needed JJ to function properly. She needed him in her life so that she could carry on because, without him, there was nothing. Everything was pointless and she just felt numb. She was stumbling through day after day and it was exhausting.

  She dressed quickly and went back out into the living room, where Kenny was now sitting on the sofa by the window, looking out at the cold but sunny city as it started it’s busy working day, the traffic streaming across the Tyne Bridge as rush hour got into full swing. India remembered it well; running to the bus stop every morning because her and Charley had usually slept through their alarm. It had always been hectic; they’d always been in a panic every time they’d left the flat, worried they were going to miss the bus, but never a day had gone by when they hadn’t laughed over something or someone on their way to work. Those days had been so easy and carefree when she thought back to them. Look at what they’d both been through since then.