“Hey, you,” Kenny smiled, hoping to get a smile back. But she hadn’t smiled in so long.
She went over to the window and stood in front of it, looking out. “It’s so strange being here,” she said quietly, folding her arms as she watched the Metro train in the distance carrying commuters through to their places of work in Sunderland and South Shields.
“Is it?” Kenny asked.
She didn’t turn round to look at him. “Yes. It is. I don’t feel as though I fit in anymore. This isn’t my home now, is it? I don’t belong here. But I don’t belong in L.A. either.”
“Of course you belong in L.A. That’s your home, you love it over there.”
“I don’t belong anywhere if he doesn’t love me, Kenny.”
Kenny looked at her, getting up and going over to her. “Come on. Come and have a cup of tea.”
“I don’t want a cup of tea. I want Joe.”
He turned her around, taking her cold hand in his. “You have to get stronger, India. You have to, babe, because you’re scaring me now. I don’t like seeing you like this.”
“I don’t like being like this, Kenny. I don’t like the constant pain and the uncertainty and the not knowing what I should do. I just know I can’t take the hurt anymore. I can’t do it.”
Kenny didn’t like the way she was talking. The tone of her voice, so monotone and lifeless, it was frightening. She’d almost shut back down again once Michael had left for L.A., she’d gone back into that bubble she surrounded herself with, that cocoon that nobody could penetrate. Michael had managed it, for a while, and although Kenny would never understand what had really gone on there between them, he understood that it was over. Whatever it had been, whatever had happened, it was over. She was moving on from him, but it was quite obvious she couldn’t move very far without JJ.
“India, look at me. Come on, look at me.”
She looked up at him, still holding onto his hand.
“You handled Michael, didn’t you? That whole situation, you got through it, so you must have the strength in there somewhere, you must have.”
“I’m just so tired, Kenny.”
“I know, baby, but you’ve got to start fighting. You have to.”
“My husband’s made it perfectly clear he doesn’t want me anymore. What is there to fight for?”
“India … just tell me one thing. You and Michael … what happened, do you … do you still love him?” He didn’t know why he’d asked that, he had absolutely no idea, it had just come out.
She looked at him, a look of utter, gut-wrenching sadness passing across her beautiful face. “I’ll always love him, Kenny. And no matter how many people tell me that’s crazy or wrong, I will always love him. But we can’t be together.” She looked away, her grip on his hand tightening. “Not anymore.”
Kenny felt like crying, the sheer weight of her despair was seeping through into him. He couldn’t even begin to work out what was going on in her head, all he knew was that he just wanted her to be happy again. He needed to see her pull out of this.
“JJ … he’ll come round.”
“Will he?” She looked at him again. “Because, you know, I’m not sure that he will.”
“Then fight for him, India.”
“Kenny, I can’t. I can’t do it, I’m so tired ...”
“Fight for him, India! Stop giving up, this isn’t like you. Get back to L.A. and show him how much you love him. Fight for him, for Christ’s’ sake! Staying here, making yourself ill, it’s really not helping, honey.”
“I don’t know what else to do, Kenny.” She looked at him, fresh tears streaming down her face. “I don’t know what to do.”
“Oh, baby ...”
She collapsed into his arms, sobbing like a child, and all Kenny could do was hold her. And then, almost as if someone had flicked a switch, she pulled away from him and stood up, wiping her eyes.
“I need some fresh air.” She began walking over to the door that led out into the hall.
“Hang on! You’ve had nothing to eat, not even a cup of tea. You need to rest … India …” Kenny knew she shouldn’t be going anywhere on her own. She was in no fit state.
“I don’t want anything. How many times do I have to tell you? I need to go for a walk, clear my head.”
Kenny looked at her, trying to get his head around everything she did now because her behaviour was so erratic these days. But she shouldn’t be going out alone, he knew that much.
“Come and sit down, India, please. We can call the kids. You can talk to Ethan ...”
“It’s two in the morning over there, Kenny. Nice try. I’ve got my ‘phone, you can get me on that.”
“I’ll come with you then.”
She swung round. “No, Kenny! Stop treating me like a five year old!”
“I’m worried about you, India. Have you got any idea how irrational your behaviour is these days? Can you not understand why I’m reluctant to let you out of my sight?”
“I’m fine.”
“Jesus, talk about fucking stubborn!”
But he was fast resigning himself to the fact that he couldn’t predict anything that was going on in her head anymore. It was impossible.
“Let me come with you, India. Please.”
“I don’t need babysitting.”
“Just let me come with you, Jesus …”
She went out into the hallway, putting on her jacket and hat, throwing his jacket at him as he followed her.
“I’ll take that as an ok then, will I?”
“You’re not giving me much choice.”
He took her hand again, pulling her close, stroking the hair from her eyes. “It is going to be alright you know.”
“Is it?”
He nodded. “I’ll make sure of it. Now, come on. Let’s go get some fresh air.”
***
It was a bright but cold morning as they walked along the beach. They’d driven to Tynemouth, just a mile or so away from the coastal town of Whitley Bay where India had been born, because she’d felt a need to be there again. She just wanted to walk around places where the memories were happy; places that made her feel safe. They’d been here back in ‘97, just after Michael had proposed. She always seemed to come here when she had things to think about - when she needed a dose of reality.
At this time of year and at this time of day it was so peaceful, calm even. The morning sun was casting a glow across the vast expanse of The North Sea, making it feel warmer than it actually was and India dug her hands deeper into her pockets as they walked. The sun was low in the sky, as it always was this time of year in this part of the world, and she’d covered her red and sore eyes with large wrap-a-round sunglasses to shield them from the sunlight, pulling her hat farther down. She wasn’t deliberately trying to disguise herself but at the same time she didn’t really want people to see her in this state, because she knew the paparazzi were out and about, even here in this small and insignificant seaside town. After all, she was one of the biggest stars to come out of the North East of England in a long time and people were obviously curious as to what was going on in her life, and just why she was spending so much time back in her place of birth. They wanted to know about her and JJ but she was saying nothing. She didn’t know what to say anyway. She didn’t know what she could tell them when she had no idea what was happening herself.
“It’s very quiet here,” Kenny said, looking around him. The only other people about were dog walkers and the last of the morning traffic.
India said nothing and Kenny tried to take her hand but she pulled it away.
“No, Kenny.”
He held his hands up in surrender, putting them back in his pockets.
“You know, we really should think about going back to L.A.”
She looked at him. “I don’t want to go back yet, ok? I know the kids are over there and I miss them more than I can tell you but, I just can’t go back there yet. I can’t be where he is if he doesn’t want me. It hurt
s too much.”
“What if he never comes back, India?”
She stopped walking and looked at him, feeling yet more tears prick at the back of her eyes as he said those words. “I can’t think like that, Kenny. I can’t do that.”
“India, baby, I didn’t mean to upset you ...”
“Then why say it? Why say that?”
“Because you have to start to face up to reality. You have to. You can’t carry on like this, it isn’t healthy. You have to start thinking of others, there are people worried sick about you, including me. India …”
She turned round and started running back up the stairs away from the beach. Kenny ran after her, trying to catch up with her.
“India ... come on! Wait!”
But she carried on running, across the still fairly busy road to the lake on the other side, a place where she’d used to come with Terry as a child. A place where they’d gone fishing for tadpoles on Sunday mornings, fed the ducks or gone out on the boats. It was quiet today; just a young mum with a pushchair throwing bread at the ducks and for a second India’s heart ached for her own baby girl, who was about the same age as the one she was looking at now. Part of her just wanted to be able to do normal things like this with her kids. What was so wrong with wanting that? She wasn’t ungrateful for the fame she had and the life it had given her but sometimes she just wanted to be India again. India the mum. India the wife. With JJ at her side. That’s all she wanted, and she’d give up all the fame, all the money, if only he would come back to her.
Kenny caught up with her as she sat down on a bench overlooking the lake and the sea out beyond that, the sound of birds and the shouts of the excited little girl at the other side of the lake being the only sounds they could hear, interrupted by the odd Metro train that ran along the back of the lake at frequent intervals.
“They’ve let this place go, really,” she said, looking out ahead of her. “It hasn’t been taken care of like it used to be when me and Terry were kids.”
Kenny sat down next to her. “You still miss him, don’t you?”
She nodded, still staring straight ahead of her. “Every day. He never saw his niece or nephew, he’ll never know them, Kenny, and he never got the chance to be really happy. That’s what makes me so sad.”
“And you think he’d want you to be this unhappy?”
She looked down at her clasped hands, covered by thick black gloves. “No. He wouldn’t want me to be this unhappy.”
“Then get stronger. For him.”
She looked up and out to sea again, the sun skipping off the water, the sky unusually blue for this part of the country at this time of year.
“I can’t go on if Joe isn’t with me, Kenny. I can’t find a reason to do anything anymore.”
“There’s always a reason, India. You’ve got those beautiful kids, think of them.”
She turned to look at him, and he knew that behind those dark glasses she was crying again.
“He’s Ellie’s daddy, Kenny. He’s always going to be a part of her life, but if he doesn’t want to be a part of mine then I don’t know how to handle that. I fell in love with him far harder than I thought I really had and I just can’t think of him not being there. It terrifies me.”
“India ...”
“I’m scared of a life without him, Kenny. I’m scared of what might happen.”
He reached out and took her hand and this time she let him. “You’ve got to be strong, baby. You have to be. This will pass, believe me, it will.”
She shook her head. “No, it won’t. It’ll never pass.”
“You sound like you’ve given up.” Kenny couldn’t help feeling a cold shiver run through him. The way she was speaking, it was like it was coming from someone else.
“That’s what he’s done. Isn’t it?”
Kenny looked down at their joined hands. He could make her so happy. He knew he could. Everything he’d ever felt for her had never gone away. He could give her everything she deserved, but he also knew that she’d never really love him like he wanted her to. He’d accepted that now.
India let go of his hand and stood up, pulling her scarf tighter around her neck.
“I’ve got to get out of here. If I sit still for too long I think too much and I’m tired of thinking.”
“India, please, sit down. You need to talk about things ...”
“I’ve done all the talking I can do, Kenny. I don’t know what’s left to talk about. Joe doesn’t love me and how do I get over that one, huh? How do I live with that?”
Kenny got up, following her, trying to keep up because she was walking so fast. “You’re not a quitter, India. You’ve been through much worse than this and you’ve come through it all. You can come through this too.”
She turned around, walking backwards as she spoke to him. “No, you see, you don’t understand, Kenny. Everything else had a solution; everything else had a way out, a light at the end of the tunnel, but not this. This hasn’t got that, I can’t see it, I can’t find it, and I can’t live with this pain anymore. I can’t live with the things I’ve done, I can’t live knowing I’m going to have to see Joe because of Ellie and knowing I can’t be with him. I can’t bear seeing him with another woman, I can’t bear the thought of him touching someone else the way I want him to touch me so don’t tell me I’ll come through this because I won’t.” She shook her head, still walking backwards as they headed towards the road. “I won’t ever come through this because all I want is Joe. He’s all I want. Or I don’t want to carry on.”
“You don’t mean that, India.”
“Without him I’m nothing, Kenny. Without him there’s nothing left. I gave up so much for him and I have to get him back or it’s all been a waste of time.”
“India!”
Kenny tried to warn her as she stepped out into the road but it was too late. She hadn’t seen the car and the car hadn’t seen her, hitting her with a sickening thud that Kenny felt somewhere deep in the pit of his stomach.
But India had felt nothing. Just the peaceful darkness that welcomed her. For her, the world was perfect again. Because all the pain had gone.
***
“Hollywood star India Walsh’s life hangs in the balance after a near fatal road accident in her native North East England.
The Geordie actress had just finished shooting a movie in Northumberland, directed by her ex-husband Michael Walsh, and it was thought she was staying on in Britain after her shock split from new husband and ‘Covert One’ co-star JJ Foster, who is thought to be back in Los Angeles with their eighteen month old daughter.
She was walking along the coast at Tynemouth, not far from the once popular seaside town of Whitley Bay where she was born, with her best friend and co-star Kenny Ross when the accident happened. It’s understood she just stepped out into the road when the car hit her.
She was rushed to an undisclosed private North East hospital where it’s thought she’s on a life support machine with suspected head injuries. No other details have yet been released until they contact her family, which include her Hollywood actor father Reece Brogan.
Kenny Ross is thought to be at her bedside...”
CHAPTER 74
India tried to open her eyes. She felt groggy, a little bit light headed, and she ached all over. She was aware of voices in the room as she once more tried to open her eyes but she couldn’t make out who they were or what they were saying. She was aware of someone holding her hand as she finally opened her eyes, looking up at the stark white ceiling. Her throat hurt and her eyes stung and she blinked several times to try and focus properly as the person holding her hand squeezed it tighter, stroking her fingers.
“India, baby, it’s me. It’s JJ. Baby, it’s Joe.”
She closed her eyes again. It hurt to keep them open for too long, and she was so tired. She just felt so tired.
“India ...”
It was JJ’s voice. She was sure she could hear JJ’s voice but he sounded distant
. Was she dreaming? She felt as though this was a dream. The grogginess didn’t seem to want to go away and her head felt like cotton wool. She couldn’t think straight. Where was she? Something had happened but she was too tired to try and work out what.
“Is she ok? Can somebody come and look at her, please?”
JJ’s voice again. He sounded worried.
“Joe?” she whispered. Her eyes were still closed but she found the strength from somewhere to squeeze his hand. She was sure it was his hand holding hers. She was sure.
“Yes, baby, it’s me, it’s Joe. I’m here. I’m right here. India, can you look at me? Can you look at me, baby?”
She slowly opened her eyes again, turning her head until she saw him. He was there, he was really there, but he looked tired. He looked so tired.
“Hello, you,” he smiled, squeezing her hand again. “You had me scared for a while you know. You had me so scared.”
He was crying and she suddenly found herself crying too because she had no idea what was going on. She was totally confused. She didn’t know where she was or how she’d got there. All she remembered was that JJ had left her, and now he was here beside her, holding her hand and smiling at her.
He gently stroked her hair, his fingers brushing away the tears from her eyes, bringing her hand up to his mouth and kissing it.
“You were in an accident,” he whispered. “You ran out into the road, do you remember? When you were with Kenny?”
“Kenny?” She closed her eyes again, trying to remember, but everything seemed so fuzzy and unclear.
“You were hit by a car, India. You’ve been in a coma for over a week. Over a week, baby.” He wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. He couldn’t stop the tears of relief streaming down his face.
He could still remember the ‘phone call from Reece in the early hours of that morning, almost a fortnight ago, telling him what had happened. He could still remember the shock hitting him, knocking him sideways. He’d been so far away and all he’d wanted was to be with her. The past few months had just vanished into nothing. Whatever she’d done, whatever had happened, none of it had mattered because he’d thought he’d lost her.
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