Only Heaven Knows (Hell Yeah!)

by Sable Hunter

  “Oh, I don’t have anything in mind, I was just making conversation.”

  “Oh.” Holding the horse’s bridle taut, Denver was a little confused. “For a minute there, I thought you were asking me out.”

  “Nope, the only place I’m going today is the cemetery.”

  Canyon’s blunt statement took Denver by surprise.

  “Sorry,” Canyon said as he used his file to smooth a rough spot on the hoof, just above the shoe. “I shouldn’t just blurt stuff out like that. My therapist says I should share more, I guess you’re just the unlucky one I’m trying out my new attitude on.”

  “Who are you visiting?” Denver cleared his throat. “At the cemetery.”

  “My son.”

  His friends even response floored Denver. “I’m sorry.” For a split second, all he could see was the stark white headstone in the lonely Shiloh cemetery emblazoned with the name Louis Bolden. “I didn’t know.”

  “I know, I don’t talk about it enough, or so my therapist says.”

  Frankly, Denver had a hard time imagining the big blacksmith going to a therapist. “Losing someone is hard.” He knew that for a fact, but the idea of sharing his loss with anyone caused him to turn to stone. “What made you…see someone?”

  “I’m in AA, it’s one of my steps to recovery. Facing the loss of my son. I thought I’d dealt with it, you know. I worked for months on this memorial art for his grave.”

  Denver felt numb, he didn’t know how to handle his own grief, much less anyone else’s. “You can do amazing things with that welding machine. I love those life-size horses you’ve made with scrap iron and pieces of farming equipment.”

  “I plan on setting up the memorial today.”

  “Do you need me to go with you?”

  “I know I said I wasn’t issuing an invitation, but I’d appreciate the company.”

  “You got it.” There was no way he could tell the man no. “When do you want to go?”

  “Right after work, it won’t take long.”

  Denver agreed to meet Canyon when their shift ended. As he returned the freshly shod horse to its paddock, he wondered how he’d handle the task before him. Before he could give it much thought, his phone buzzed. Seeing Bryn’s name, he grinned. “Just when I needed you the most.”

  “What?” Bryn didn’t quiet catch what he was saying. “This is Bryn.”

  “Nothing, I was just mumbling as I answered the phone. How are you? Did you drive to work today?”

  “Tricia let me come in late, so I drove straight to the DMV to take the test. I passed!”

  He chuckled. “I knew you would.”

  “Uh, why I’m calling…”

  He waited, not wanting to assume anything. “Yea.”

  “I’ve been thinking and I’m ready to put my past behind me and move forward. What am I waiting for? Right?”

  Denver shuffled on his feet. “I didn’t think you had much of a past to put behind you.” Not like him.

  “We all have a past, Denver.” Bryn shut the register drawer. “Anyway, I thought about what you said, and I’d love to see you again. Could I take you out tonight? My treat? We could go to Hardbodies.”

  “Hardbodies? Are you sure?” Nothing against Isaac, but he didn’t think the bar atmosphere suited Bryn.

  “Not really, I just thought it might be something you’d like to do.”

  “I have a better idea. How about a moonlight horseback ride?”

  “Could we camp out under the stars?”

  “Spend the night together?” He grabbed onto the fence post and held it tightly.

  “Yea, it could be fun.”

  Denver smiled, pushing his hat back on his head. “I guess you did some thinking since last night.”

  Bryn nodded, then realized he couldn’t see her. “Yea, I’ve lived my life by an arcane set of rules that don’t apply to me anymore. I want to be happy.”

  Denver felt a weighty responsibility come to rest on his shoulders. “The source of happiness is as elusive as the fountain of youth, Bryn. I’ve always heard true contentment comes from within.”

  “I know, I’m not asking you for anything.”

  “I know.” Denver felt the need to explain things to her, but he didn’t know how to start. “Camping sounds like fun. I’ll get everything we need together. There’s something I have to take care of right after work. Why don’t you come to my trailer about six and we’ll go from there?”

  “Okay.” Bryn smiled, thrilled to her bones. “I’m excited, Denver. I can’t wait to see you.”

  “Me either.”

  “How about food? Should I cook? This date was my idea, after all.”

  “Just pack some sandwiches, whatever you have on hand will be fine.”

  Bryn giggled. “This isn’t about the food, is it?”

  “No,” Denver admitted, feeling his blood begin to heat in his veins. “This isn’t about the food.”

  * * *

  “Hold on, I’ve got it, Canyon.” He steadied the metal sculpture as Canyon pulled the tarp it was resting on to the edge of the pick-up bed. “This is heavy.”

  “Yea, about six hundred pounds. Once we get it set up, it isn’t going anywhere, that’s for sure.” He positioned a portable dolly at the rear of the truck, so they could ease the piece of artwork down on it safely. “My boy loved horses.”

  Denver felt for the man. As much as he mourned Louis, the loss of a child would be even worse.

  “Hey, hold on, let me help you.” Canyon made a grab for the heavy load when Denver seemed to lose his grip.

  “Sorry. I slipped.” He hadn’t slipped, he’d almost let go when he’d connected Canyon’s loss of his child with his parent’s loss of Louis. Suddenly, he understood their actions a little better.

  “No problem. We’ve got it.” They both strained to position the sculpture, so it wouldn’t topple over as they moved it into the cemetery.

  “This is amazing, Canyon,” Denver said and meant it. The large rocking horse was made from discarded pieces of equipment – everything from gear boxes to coils of pipe. Giant wings adorned the horse, making him think of Pegasus, the winged horse of the gods.

  They moved the horse through the country cemetery’s gates, through a maze of graves – many recent, some very old. Finally, they came to a very small grave, its miniature size made even more poignant by the white stones that outlined it on the ground. “My little boy’s an angel now, I like to think about him having toys to play with up there.”

  “I don’t know how heaven works, but I’m sure there are plenty of angels to take care of him.”

  “Thanks, Denver, I needed to hear that.” Denver was silent as the giant of a man wiped his cheeks with the palm of his hand. “Cancer’s a bitch, isn’t it?”

  “Yea, anything that will separate us from those we love is a bitch.” He thought about telling Canyon about his own loss, about Louis. He didn’t, the words wouldn’t come. There was no disease to blame his brother’s death on. If he confessed the role he played, he would most likely lose the big man’s respect. Clamping his jaw tight, he kept his sorrows to himself.

  Once they placed the sculpture where Canyon wanted it, the men bowed to offer a silent prayer. “I sure appreciate you taking the time to do this for me. It would’ve been hard to handle it by myself. My friend, Bull Redford, is down in Mexico at his wife’s ranch and I wanted to get this out here for Tommy’s birthday.” He pointed to the tomb and Denver could see the date of his birth was today.

  “I’m glad to help.”

  “Well, let’s head back. I know you probably have plans of your own.”

  As they walked out of the cemetery, Denver felt his heart lighten when he thought of Bryn. “I do, actually. I’m taking my girl for a horseback ride.”

  “Good for you. I haven’t dated anyone since my wife left me,” Canyon confessed. “I need to open my heart and look for someone. Loneliness will get to you after a while, the nights are the worst.”


  “The darkness magnifies everything, I guess.” Denver knew this was true from personal experience.

  “You won’t be alone tonight.” Canyon clapped him on the shoulder as he started the engine. “Lucky guy.”

  “Yea, I am,” he acknowledged the fact with a smile. “A very lucky man.”

  * * *

  “Let’s see, did I bring everything?” Bryn glanced over the pile as she began carting everything to the steps of Denver’s trailer. His truck was nowhere to be seen, so she guessed she’d beat him home. “Sandwiches, brownies, chips, a change of clothes, and one edible arrangement made of assorted candy bars with a strong emphasis on chocolate.” She smiled at the colorful bouquet. On the way home, she’d washed the car, picked up a birth control prescription, and bought a box of condoms – just in case. Her cheeks were still hot from the look the store clerk had given her when she marched up to the counter brave as could be with the box of Trojans XL with added gel for her pleasure. “That’s right, for my pleasure.”

  She’d studied the joy book, as she called it, last night. “I never knew there was so much to know about sex.” Of course, head knowledge was nothing compared to hands-on experience. “Tonight, I’m going to put to practice what I’ve been studying.” Hopefully, she wouldn’t make a fool out of herself.

  The sound of tires approaching sent a thrill of anticipation through Bryn’s whole body. “Hey!” She waved at him. “I’ve been waiting for you.”

  Denver parked, barely getting the door open in time to catch her as she launched herself into his arms. “Sorry I’m late.”

  “Forgiven.” She framed his face and kissed him hard. “Are you ready to begin our adventure?”

  “I am,” he said as she pulled him toward his trailer. “Let me load this up and we’ll be off. I told Jacob we’d be camping out next to the river.”

  “Good. I want to give you this before we go.” She pointed to the candy bouquet arrangement. “I thought you might want to take part of it with you and leave the rest here, it’s pretty big.”

  “I’d say so!” He laughed aloud at the sight of at least a hundred candy bars fitted onto wooden skewers and arranged into a large wooden basket. “You’re going to make me fat.”

  “This is to say thank you. I’m not trying to repay you with this gesture, I’m just telling you how much I appreciate how good you are to me.” She took both of his hands in hers. “And whatever we do tonight, has nothing to do with your gifts. I want to be with you because I’m happier with you than with anyone else in the world.” Bryn looked up into his eyes. “I want you, Denver Bolden. Do you still want me?”

  CHAPTER SIX

  “Do, I still want you?” Denver gathered her beautiful hair in his palm and wound it around his fist. “I’ve never stopped wanting you. I just feel incredibly protective of you.” He gazed down at the strands as they fanned around his fingers. “I love this color, it’s like holding fire in my hand.”

  Bryn looked guilty. “I hate to disappoint you, but my hair isn’t really this color.” At his inquisitive expression, she confessed. “When I moved here, I wanted to start fresh. Be a different me. Different clothes. New start. Sexier hair.”

  “What’s your true hair color?” he asked softly, gazing into her pretty eyes.

  “The mousiest of mousy browns, totally forgettable.”

  “Oh, I doubt that. You don’t have to hide from me, Bryn. I can promise I’ll like the real you just fine.” His voice dropped in pitch, his eyes darkening with passion.

  Hiding the full truth about herself was second nature. She couldn’t help but wonder if Denver hid things from her as well. Perhaps they didn’t know one another as well as she felt like they did. Stop it, she told herself. You want this. Pushing aside her doubts, Bryn stepped near enough to rest her head on his chest. “I love being close to you like this.”

  “Me too.” Denver knew she could hear his heart pounding in his chest. “Just don’t fall in love with me, okay? You deserve so much more than I could ever give you.”

  Bryn closed her eyes as a shaft of pain lanced through her. Denver’s assessment of his worth broke her heart. “You are the best of men.” As she was about to continue the debate of his value as a person, she was hit by the realization that this might be his way of setting limitations on their relationship, not because of his suitability – but because of hers. Bryn licked her lips and steeled herself, pushing aside the hurt. “What I deserve is debatable, but you don’t have to worry. Like you, I just want to have fun with someone I trust.” Another lie to add to her list of sins, this one not so blatant, but equally false. She had deep feelings for Denver. She also harbored a secret so powerful that anyone who learned it would be appalled. Whatever his reasons were for cautioning her against falling for him, he was right to do so.

  “Having fun is definitely on the agenda.” He kissed her on the top of the head. “Let me go saddle up the horses and I’ll be right back.” He handed her a key. “If you would, put my candy bouquet inside and get a couple bottles of water out of the fridge for the trip. We’ll be camping near a spring where we can refill them.” He started off, the turned back. “Oh, and get a roll of toilet paper too. We’ll need it.”

  His suggestion made her face turn red. “Oh, my goodness, I’m glad you thought of that, I would’ve hated to have to use leaves.”

  When he was gone, she carried the edible arrangement inside and placed it on the dining room table. Next, she took four bottles of water from his refrigerator and noted how empty it was of staples. There was just some lunchmeat and take-out Chinese. This bothered her a little, then she remembered how he’d subtly warned her off before. Obviously, Denver enjoyed his bachelor existence. When she went into his bathroom to find the toilet paper, Bryn couldn’t resist peeking into his bedroom to see where he slept. Just the sight of his bed gave her shivers, both the good kind and the bad. She was torn between wanting him beyond reason and being nervous to take this huge step. A step that was forbidden to her not so long ago. Plus, what if she was bad at it? “Oh, fudgesicle, maybe this was a horrible idea.” She was on the verge of talking herself out of going on their date when her eyes fell on a photograph of Denver and a younger boy lying on his dresser. She moved closer and picked it up, noticing how worn it was, realizing how often Denver must handle the picture for it to be in such a state. Turning it over in her hand, she read two names on the back – Denver and Louis. There was no denying they were related, their features were almost identical, Denver just being a little older and a little taller than the one called Louis. Bringing it nearer to her face, she could see stains on the photo. Tear stains? Quickly, she placed it down, feeling as if she’d just intruded on his privacy. Was this his brother? He’d never mentioned a brother. Of course, she hadn’t shared much of her life with Denver either. Again, she was struck by the idea that they didn’t really know one another very well at all. Was she making a mistake?

  The sound of the front door opening and his voice calling her name, startled Bryn.

  “Bryn! Are you ready?”

  “Be right there.” She rushed into his bathroom, found an extra roll of toilet paper under the sink and returned to the kitchen. Even though she knew it wasn’t too late to change her mind, the happy and peaceful look on his face quelled her reservations. “I’m ready now.”

  “Good, let’s get going. I’d like to get to our campsite before the sun goes down.” As he helped gather the items, he bent to claim a kiss. “Smile. We’ll have a good time.”

  “I know. I’m just a little nervous,” she confessed before she thought better of it.

  Denver stopped walking. “Don’t be. Nothing will happen unless you want it to. You are in absolute control.”

  His pledge eased her worries. “Okay, thank you.” She gave him a bright smile.

  Once they were on the trail, Bryn took a deep breath. “It’s so peaceful out here,” she marveled, craning her neck to look around at the peaceful landscape. The Guadalupe was serene,
only the ripples from a duck landing on the water gave away the fact that the surface wasn’t actually glass.

  “I sleep out here often, sometimes I can’t rest indoors. The quiet gets to me and turning on the television or the radio just muddles my mind. The noises of the night are soothing. Crickets. Frogs. Night birds.”

  “I understand. Any pain or worry is magnified at night. Sometimes it’s hard to turn my brain off, I remember every harsh word, every agonizing moment,” Bryn spoke softly, commiserating with Denver, her concerns mirroring his own.

  “Who hurt you, baby?”

  Denver’s question jerked Bryn back to attention. “Oh, let’s not talk about sad things. Okay?”

  “For now.” He wanted to press her for more information, but he decided to table the discussion until another time. “There’s our spot, up ahead. Let’s unpack, then I’ll see to the horses. We’re near Aron’s hunting cabin, so there’s a small corral in that copse of trees, our mounts will be fine for the night.”

  “This is going to be great, Denver. The closest I’ve ever come to camping out was sneaking out back of the convent to hide under the grape arbor.”

  He chuckled as they dismounted, his eyes rarely straying from her lithe, graceful form. Denver had no assurance of what the night would bring, but his neglected manhood was holding out hope. “Did you get caught?”

  “I did.” She scoffed at the memory. “I ate so many grapes I took a stomach ache. When I went to the infirmary, the nurse busted me, and Sister Carmen took away my recess privileges for a month.”