Only Heaven Knows (Hell Yeah!)

by Sable Hunter

  Denver went completely still. He barely breathed. He hadn’t heard those words from anyone since before Louis died.

  As for Bryn, she didn’t seem to notice when he didn’t respond. In fact, she acted as if she had no expectations for him to say anything in return. After sighing with apparent happiness, she settled her head on his chest and in a few moments, her breathing quietened. She was asleep.

  Out of all the emotions he was feeling, Denver was surprised to find that this bothered him the most. Why would she confess her love, then not be surprised or offended when that sentiment wasn’t returned?

  He couldn’t fathom what she was thinking. Hell, he couldn’t fathom half of what had occurred this evening. As he lay there, holding her to him, his mind spun with the things Bryn had told him. Funny, he doubted none of it. He’d seen enough with his own two eyes to know she told the truth.

  So, what did it all mean? He gazed at her sweet face, she looked so innocent. A smile played on his lips. She wasn’t so innocent anymore. Immediately, guilt swamped him. He’d taken her innocence. He’d shown her things, done things to her that were…amazing. Still, a feeling of repentance washed over him, like he’d spoiled something sacred.

  Giving her a gentle kiss on the forehead, he wondered where the hell they could go from here.

  * * *

  If Denver closed his eyes, he wasn’t aware of it. He’d lain in the bed, holding Bryn, staring at the ceiling. He’d reviewed every moment they had spent together, analyzing every word they’d spoken, reliving every time they’d touched. Despite what she’d told him about the amazing things she could do, or maybe because of what she told him she could do, Denver knew he didn’t deserve her. He wanted her, but he didn’t deserve her. Bryn Harmon was someone special. Unique.

  And then there was this…

  I can’t believe it. You know the real me and you wanted me anyway. There is no one else like you in the whole world. I love you, Denver Bolden. I love you so much.

  Those words should have meant the world to him. Those words should have filled him with elation.

  Instead, they petrified him.

  Easing from beneath her sweet body, he rose to get dressed for the day. Glancing at her over his shoulder, Denver was struck by her loveliness. The morning sun was shining through the window, the gentle rays caressing her hair. There looked to be a halo around her head.

  As he stood there, watching her sleep, an anxiety attack slammed into him out of nowhere. He literally doubled over, unable to breathe. Denver felt as if the walls were closing in on him. With his breath coming in harsh pants, he snatched up his boots and fled from the room, leaving Bryn alone in the bed with the radio playing some sad country song about love and loss.

  Hurrying from her house, he ran to the truck and cranked the engine. A string of curse words escaping his lips, all aimed at himself. When he was far enough away, Denver sped up and peeled down the gravel road, tires squealing.

  “Fuck!”

  He was so damn angry. At himself. At Bryn. He was angry that she’d fallen for him in the first place and even more angry that she’d made him love her back.

  Because he did.

  Denver loved her so much, he couldn’t see straight.

  As he raced down the road, he remembered the dream, the one where Louis forgave him. Now, he realized Bryn had done that for him. She’d put those thoughts in his head. He had no idea whether they were real or not, whether she delivered a real message of Louis’s forgiveness, or if she’d just created some illusion in his brain to make him feel better. None of that mattered, for one simple reason – Denver couldn’t forgive himself.

  With every mile he drove, he felt the pull to turn around and go back increase. A pull he had to resist. He needed her and that need made him feel powerless. She would never understand what this feeling of helplessness did to him. Even if he were to go back to her, get on his knees, and profess his undying love, Denver would still exist in abject terror that any minute she’d come to her senses and realize he was no damn good for her. When had he ever been anything but a failure to those who depended on him?

  No, he’d never be the type of man an angel like her deserved.

  The loud honking of a horn brought Denver to his senses. He glanced around to see where he was, then pulled over to turn around and head back to his trailer. Just because he was having some sort of mental breakdown didn’t mean work was canceled. This was Sunday, his normal day off, but due to Lance being on his honeymoon, he’d volunteered to cover for him. The animals needed to eat, even on the Sabbath.

  Checking both ways, he whipped his truck around. As he did, he noticed his hands were shaking. Bryn would be waking up soon to find he’d walked out on her while she slept. God, he dreaded talking to her, but he had to, he couldn’t just ghost his way out of her life. Denver shuddered with the thought of facing her again. Maybe he wouldn’t have to say a word, she probably could read the truth on his face.

  Denver slammed his hand on the steering wheel. He felt like he was walking a high wire, only to notice the cable was about to snap. There wasn’t enough time to go forward and he couldn’t turn around. There was nowhere to go but down, which was exactly what would happen when Bryn discovered the truth – that he wasn’t good enough to be loved.

  What had he been thinking to let himself fall for her?

  To allow himself to need her?

  Why would he think for even one moment he could survive the loss of her? Denver knew in his heart, that no matter what he did, love would never be enough to protect her from his own personal brand of poison.

  The realization that everything they shared was for naught cut through his heart like a knife. He rubbed his aching chest, certain the organ had stopped beating. The anxiety attack returned full forced as his throat closed, and he couldn’t catch his breath.

  Pulling his truck over to the side of the road, Denver put it in park and leaned his head on the steering wheel, trying to regain control. What was he going to do? What could he say? Denver reasoned with himself. “You’re a grown man. You still have control. You can stop this from happening.”

  “You can end things first.”

  Once he came to this sad conclusion, he calmed. His breath slowly returned to normal. What he needed to do would hurt Bryn, but in the long run, he’d be doing her a favor. She would be so much better off with someone else, someone worthy of her love.

  * * *

  “Denver?”

  Bryn sat up in the bed rubbing her eyes. “Denver?” She rolled over and grabbed the clock to bring it closer to her face. “Seven. Oh, no!” It took her a few panicked heartbeats to remember today was Sunday, she didn’t have to go to the shop.

  Lying back on the bed, she smiled and touched the pillow where he’d laid his head. She was sure Denver had left for work and had wanted to let her sleep. “He’s so sweet.”

  Feeling satisfied, she stretched, raising her arms over her head. Her body was a bit sore, for a very good reason. Bryn grinned, remembering how he’d loved on her. She closed her eyes, savoring the memories. “I love him so much.” Yes, she’d told him. Voiced the fact loud and clear. Talk about a confession, this was the most important one of her life. Even though he hadn’t responded, Bryn felt no regrets. Denver had feelings for her, she believed this with all her heart. He might not say the words aloud, but he showed her his emotions with every touch, with every kiss. Rolling over, she buried her face in the pillow and squealed her happiness. Being in love was the most wonderful thing in the world!

  As she lay there, Bryn counted her blessings. Not only was she in love with an incredible man, he accepted her for what she was – faults and all. He’d been more concerned over her hiding the past, than he was about her strange abilities. She knew she needed to curtail her impulses, not everyone would be as understanding as Denver. The last thing she wanted was to end up in a lab somewhere, being dissected by a scientist trying to determine the source of her powers.

  With a
sigh, Bryn struggled once more with her identity. All her life, she’d held onto Sister Mary Estelle’s assessment. God is good. You do good. The good you do comes from God. She had no proof this was true, but she clung to it with all her heart.

  Knowing she needed to ice the cupcakes and get them to church after lunch, she rose from the bed and started her day. Denver would be calling soon, and she couldn’t wait to hear from him. They hadn’t made any plans for later in the day, but they would. After all, they were a couple.

  …Hours later, Bryn was experiencing a serious case of déjà vu. She’d puttered around the house, finished the cupcakes, and waited for Denver to call.

  He hadn’t, no phone call. She’d checked the cell he’d given her a thousand times.

  When she gave in and tried to reach him, her call went to voice mail.

  All her former confidence flew out the window.

  Did she make a mistake being honest with him?

  She’d told him so much about herself, even pouring out her heart about being in love with him. Bryn pressed a hand to her stomach, she was so nervous, she felt ill.

  When one o’clock rolled around, she couldn’t sit still any longer. She packed the cupcakes into her car and drove them into town. Yes, she’d be a little early, but maybe there would be someone at the church to accept them. As she drove by the Tebow sign, Bryn fought off the impulse to run by the ranch to check on him.

  No, she’d wait.

  Denver would call. Bryn had faith in him.

  He was probably planning to surprise her later.

  Yea, that sounded good.

  She smiled to herself. Everything would be okay.

  * * *

  Denver felt like he’d been dragged behind a runaway bronc. Sick. Disgusted with himself. All he wanted to do was find a cave and crawl inside, and stay there until Bryn forgot his name.

  He went through the motions at work, putting out hay for the cattle, giving the horses their oats. When Nathan showed up in the barn, Denver made sure to apologize to the boy, breaking one of his cardinal rules by telling him about Louis. Nathan understood. All was forgiven.

  Well, not all. Bryn would never forgive him for what he was about to do. A dozen times today, he’d reexamined his decision. There was nothing else to be done. He couldn’t let things go on, getting deeper involved with her by the day. When he’d first met Bryn, the attraction had been so complete and so instantaneous that he couldn’t resist her. In his lame-ass head, he thought they could keep things casual. Enjoy one another, then call it a day. How could he have ever thought a woman like Bryn would accept so little from a man? She deserved everything good life could grant her.

  Sadly, that wasn’t him.

  One cowpoke he knew broke up with his girl via text. Denver considered his actions to be cowardly. Unfortunately, he wasn’t much better. If he were any kind of a man, he’d go see her in person to explain things. Bryn was smart. Surely, she’d see the wisdom of his decision. But she’d cry. He knew she’d cry. And if she did, he was very afraid he’d fold like a house of cards and tell her how he really felt. So, he opted to do the next worst thing. Write her a note, slip it under her door, then run like hell.

  Remembering what she’d told him about delivering the cupcakes to the church by two, he intended to be at her house a few minutes after to deliver his apologies and regrets. God, he was the biggest fool in the world.

  …As planned, at two-ten, he rode Bay up to Bryn’s house and tied her to the porch railing. Everywhere he looked, there were reminders of what they’d shared. He could see the new boards in the porch that he’d installed to keep her safe. The marks in the grass where she regularly parked the old car he’d bought for her were clearly visible. His eyes moved to the window of her bedroom and he groaned at the memory of how good it had felt to love her. Denver felt crushed by the weight of the mistakes he’d made in his life. And they all stemmed from the day when he’d failed his brother.

  When he stood at her door, Denver fished the note from his pocket. He opened it, read the weak words one more time, then squatted down to slip it under the door. The only problem, it wasn’t as easy as he thought it would be. He shook his head, remembering the day he’d adjusted all the doors that wouldn’t close properly. This was one of them and he’d even put a little extra insulation under the door to keep the temperature even in her house. Again, he poked the piece of paper through the narrow opening. And again. Denver was just about to give up when it finally slipped through. Relieved, he stood to his feet…just in time to hear tires crunch on the gravel.

  Dammit.

  “Denver! You’re here!” Bryn was so excited and relieved. She bounded from her car and ran straight to him, not even noticing he didn’t open his arms in welcome. Instead, she threw her arms about him, kissing Denver soundly on the lips. “I’m so happy to see you!”

  He was so shocked, he did nothing to stop her from opening the door. But when she saw the note, she asked. “What’s this?”

  He tried to take it from her. “Nothing, don’t open it. Give it here.”

  Convinced he’d dropped her off a love note, she danced away from him with the small piece of paper in her hand. “No, I want to see. I love surprises.”

  Denver groaned as she began to read.

  Dear Bryn,

  I’m so sorry. I wish there were some way we could make this work, but there’s not. I just can’t do this anymore. I can never be what you need or deserve. You’ll be so much better off without me. You’ll see. Good luck and goodbye.

  Denver

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  As tears gathered in Bryn’s eyes, she read the words one more time – just to make sure. Something so important, should be checked twice.

  Dear Bryn

  I’m so sorry. I wish there were some way we could make this work, but there’s not. I just can’t do this anymore. I can never be what you need or deserve. You’ll be so much better off without me. You’ll see. Good luck and goodbye.

  Denver

  “You’re breaking up with me?”

  Bryn didn’t wait for Denver to respond, she answered her own query. “We were never really going together, were we? I made all of this up in my head. Wishful thinking.” She sniffed. “I guess I’ve picked up too many romantic notions since leaving the convent.”

  Bryn turned away from him in shame.

  Denver wanted to say something. Anything. For the first time in years, he found he really wanted – needed – a drink. Something to numb the pain of seeing Bryn fall apart.

  “So, what prompted this? Was it the confession of my love or finding out I’m a freak?”

  When Bryn whirled around, Denver mirrored her action, unable to look her in the face. “Neither. I’m the problem here, not you.”

  This struck Bryn as funny. “Oh, Denver, even I’ve heard that saying. You’re not using the old ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ thing, are you?” She paused a moment. “Turn around, cowboy. If you’re so set on breaking my heart, at least have the decency to look me in the eye.”

  Feeling cornered, Denver slowly turned around. The sight of her tear-streaked face tore at his guts. “I’m sorry, Bryn.”

  “You’re sorry?” Bryn wadded up the piece of paper, throwing it across the room. “Sorry for what? Being nice to me? Showing me the time of my life? Making me fall in love with you? For which one, all of them?”

  Denver felt his heart seize up in his chest. This was worse than what he’d expected. “I can’t do this, it was a mistake.”

  “A mistake.” Bryn thought she might die from the pain. “Are you sure it’s not because I’m…bad?”

  Her self-condemnation eviscerated him. “I’m just no good for you.”

  Bryn stared at Denver, trying to read his face. He looked terrible. His skin was pale, his eyes were red, and his hands kept moving restlessly. There was every indication that he didn’t mean what he was saying or if he did, he hated saying it. “Bull.”

  Even though she didn�
��t add the second half of the disparaging word, he was shocked to hear her say that much. Her forceful exclamation made him know she meant what she said. “I don’t believe you. I think you’re scared. I think when I told you I loved you, you panicked.”

  “Oh, so you’re adding soothsayer to your list of sins?”

  As soon as he used the word, he felt sorry for it.

  Sins.

  A tidal wave of humiliation slammed into her. “Oh.” A million thoughts ran through her head. “I’m so sorry. I could stop. I need to stop.” Bryn was devastated, but not surprised. Everyone had turned their back on her when they learned the truth.

  “Don’t change yourself for me.” Denver took his hat in his hands. “I need to go.” He started for the door and Bryn rushed to him, taking him by the arm, making him turn to look at her once more.

  “Tell me, Denver. Say the words.”

  “I can’t say them,” he hissed low.

  “No, not the way you mean. Don’t tell me you love me, tell me you don’t. Tell me you don’t love me,” she repeated.

  Denver closed his eyes as his soul was ripped into a million pieces.

  To her surprise, he repeated his own phrase again.

  “I can’t say them.”

  As Bryn stood, frozen in place, he lifted his head to stare at her. He wanted to grab her and kiss her so badly he could taste it.

  “Stay.”

  One word, she offered one word. She wanted to beg him, make him promises, give him gifts. Conjure up his every desire out of thin air. But she wouldn’t, she just said the one word.

  “Stay.”

  Denver was tempted. Beyond bearing, he was tempted. But he’d reconciled himself to how life was going to be, and then Bryn had come along and brought the sunlight with her. She’d dispelled all the shadows…but in doing so, she’d exposed the hopelessness of his life. The emptiness that he was too afraid to fill.