Miguel's Secret Cub

by Abigail Raines

  “What else did you do today?” I said. He was already bundled up in his puffy little red jacket, his snow hat and winter boots. I headed out to the car, carrying him for fun because I was always a little aware that I wouldn’t be carrying him forever. Everything felt a little different now too because of Miguel. I kept imagining how Miguel might react to all the little things Andy did that I found adorable. Maybe I was getting my hopes up, but it was hard not to fantasize about Miguel falling hard as a rock for his son and being just as endeared to everything he did and everything he was to me.

  I let him down at the car and opened the door for him and he hopped inside. I was impatient now. I couldn’t wait for Miguel to meet him. The next Cougars game just couldn’t come fast enough.

  “I saw a magic man today,” Andy said. I was half listening as I hooked my phone up to the radio. The car was a beater but it at least had that capability. I switched on my favorite playlist; the sprawling collection of songs that I’d loved when I was pregnant with Andy and some of which had been favorites of Miguel’s. The playlist was like listening to a photo album of my life. It made me nostalgic and always brought a smile to my face. “He was a magic man like in a story, “ Andy rambled, practically bouncing in his seat. He was always a little hyper coming home from daycare. “Ooh! I like this song!”

  It was probably because I’d listened to so much Taylor Swift when I was pregnant but now, like always, it made me nearly breathless with laughter to see Andy happily singing along to “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together.” It was a good thing Middlesmark was a small town and the drive wasn’t long because I think I was a hazard to the road I was laughing so hard.

  I tousled Andy’s hair, and inwardly added that to the list of things I couldn’t wait for Miguel to see.

  The night of the game, I dressed up a lot more than I needed to. Or at least, I knew I was dressing up more than I normally would for a hockey game. It was winter so the cold weather clothes were a little limiting. But I wore a pair of shiny, black skinny jeans that made my ass look amazing and a white sweater that showed off all my curves. I spent way too long on my hair, attempting to control the frizz of my curls and wore a shade of lipstick dark enough that I couldn’t pretend I didn’t want things to ignite with Miguel. I wasn’t even sure we were heading in that direction but God, I hoped we were. We’d always been meant to be, I thought. Fated mates. We’d just needed more time than most until we were ready. At least that was what I was hoping.

  “You look pretty, mom!” Andy was hopping and down. He’d actually been a much bigger pain than usual all day. His energy was so high. I put it down to impatience about going to the game but I’d had to take a second more than once to find my patience. I’d had a day off so it had been just the two of us in the apartment all day and it was as if someone had poured sugar down his throat when I wasn’t looking, he was so hyper. I’d been tempted to take him to Alyssa’s even though I was home, but I would never actually palm off my misbehaving kid on a neighbor like that. Besides which, he’d spent half the time shifted, thinking it was very funny to race around the apartment as a little lion cub. Granted, he was totally adorable, but he’d poked holes in the couch with his sharp claws and chewed up a couple of his books.

  Shifter kids can be a bitch much sometimes.

  I wondered if I needed to take him out to the woods to run more. That would be the kind of thing that would be so nice to do with Miguel, I thought.

  Now Andy was bouncing on his toes and waving around the bright yellow foam finger that said “GO COUGARS!”

  “Are you a little calmer now?” I said, raising an eyebrow as I grabbed my keys.

  “Yes,” Andy said, suddenly standing very still. He was afraid I was going to say he couldn’t go to the game if he didn’t straighten up because I’d threatened it a couple of times. It had been an empty threat though. I wasn’t about to stand up Miguel even if Andy destroyed the apartment. “Calm. Very calm.”

  I chuckled at that and took his little hand in mine and said, “Let’s go.”

  “Yay!” Once I’d locked the door behind me, Andy was bouncing again, though I really couldn’t blame him for that and to be honest, I was excited to.

  In the car, we blasted the Taylor Swift because apparently, she really was his favorite. Andy sang gibberish versions of the lyrics as he pressed his nose up against the window, looking at the wind whipping through the snow and a couple of dogs running down the sidewalk.

  “Mom, the magic man gave me a potion,” Andy said. He sat back in his seat and smiled at me, blinking innocently.

  I frowned and shook my head. I was distracted as hell. All I could think about was getting to the rink in St. Dominic, and the seemingly interminable hockey game I had to sit through after that before I could introduce Miguel to Andy.

  “What, sweetie?” I said, turning the volume on the music down a little. Andy did get fanciful notions in his head from time to time. I think his tendency to talk like that was increased just because he was a shifter kid. He talked about things like witches and werewolves and dragons like he was talking about pouring a glass of milk. It was all normal to him. The hardest part was explaining what he couldn’t say in front of humans. But being a kid, strange things he might say were dismissed anyway. He also made things up plenty, all part of whatever stories he’d heard from Alyssa or at daycare coupled with pretend games. He’d mentioned a “magic man” the other day too, I now remembered.

  “A magic man,” Andy said very gravely. “The one I saw at daycare? When I made snowballs. He gave me a potion. It was good. Tasted like apples.”

  Obviously, my first thought was that he was making up another story. But that didn’t explain why the hairs on the back of my neck were standing up. There was something wrong about this. He wasn’t saying it like he said other things he’d made up. He was saying it as if it were obviously true and I should know it.

  It’s nothing, I thought. You’re paranoid. I was often paranoid when it came to Andy. I supposed it was just part of being a single mom and a shifter on top of it.

  “Magic man,” I muttered. “Are you making things up, sweetie?”

  Andy smiled mysteriously and shrugged. Definitely making it up, I thought. That was fine. I wanted his imagination to have all the room in the world to breathe. I was the crazy one, I told myself as we pulled into the parking lot at the ice rink, already plenty crowded for another big Cougars game. I was definitely the crazy one.

  “C’mon, sweetie,” I said, when I’d locked up the car and taken his hand again. “Let’s get in line.”

  Usually I had to stand in line and buy tickets which were pretty cheap since it was minor league hockey in a small town. This time, Miguel had told me to go to will call. The really good seats were still a little more expensive so I’d never bought them. But this time apparently, Andy and I were VIPs.

  “No sugar,” I said sternly as we got in line. “Popcorn, okay? And juice.”

  Andy didn’t even look disappointed. He was all hopped up again, grinning up at me and bouncing on his toes, the hood of his jacket pulled low over his eyes. Now he pushed up back and shrieked.

  Kids can be really weird sometimes.

  “Oooh, look at our seats!” We were practically on top of the ice, right up in the front row on the Cougars side and Andy had a booster seat to sit on so he had a clear view of the game.

  The Cougar’s mascot came out in his big, fuzzy lion suit and stumbled around and danced and threw t-shirts at the crowd and skated off again as the announcer went through his intro. The announcer’s thundering voice on the loudspeaker shouted every player’s name as they skated out onto the ice and I held my breath a little as I always did before Miguel came out.

  Miguel was looking for us, I immediately saw as he sped out on the ice. At this point, to Andy, he was just another one of The Cougars. He was a fan of all of them but I admit, I did repeatedly point Miguel out to him. Andy had the impression that Miguel was the star of the team (a
nd to me he certainly was). We were always excited when he played especially well or made a goal.

  Now Miguel’s head whipped around in its helmet and finally he seemed to spot us. He was supposed to be getting into formation on the ice but the announcer was still calling out players so he broke the rules and skated right over. He looked kind of dazed. He waved at me, but his gaze was fixed on Andy.

  I held my breath. I didn’t know what to expect on any level. He had to play. It wasn’t like he was going to jump over the partition into the stands to spend the rest of the game with his son.

  But now he stopped right on the other side of the partition and stared at Andy, his eyes big. There was a sheet of plexiglass between us. Andy looked at me and blinked and I smiled and gave him an understanding nod.

  “Miguel!” Andy shouted. He waved furiously, beaming. To him, his favorite player was paying him special attention. “Miguel! Miguel!”

  Miguel pressed his hand to the glass and smiled softly. “Hi.”

  It was about the sweetest thing I’d ever seen. But he didn’t give anything else away. Finally, when he couldn’t wait any longer, he tossed Andy a wink and cast me a sort of astonished smile as if he couldn’t believe how beautiful his son was, and skated away.

  I spent the rest of the game on cloud nine.

  Andy was now super invested in everything Miguel did because to him, that particular Cougar had just singled him out. I couldn’t imagine what he’d think when he found out Miguel was actually his dad. We cheered and rooted for The Cougars and Miguel specifically, and the guys won. I’d never seen Andy so excited about a win before.

  I held Andy in my lap as the crowd cleared out. I was practically vibrating with anticipation, and it must have been obvious because even Andy could tell.

  “What’s wrong, mom?”

  “Nothing, baby.” I licked my lips and took the deepest breath I had. “Andy, would you like to meet Miguel? Would you like to see him?”

  “Yes!” Andy shrieked, bouncing in my lap. “Oh my Gosh! Yes! Yes!”

  I would have taken him anyway, but I was glad he was excited. I laughed as he hopped each step up the stairs of the stands and then down the short tunnel to a long, wide corridor where the player’s locker room was. People were still milling around and it was a little bit of a wait before it cleared out and a few players started to make their way out to leave. Andy’s footsteps echoed in the hall as he leapt around. He was so hyper again, I was half afraid he was going to shift right there.

  “Hey, guys.”

  Somehow Miguel appeared in the one instant that Andy and I weren’t both staring at the door to the locker room. Miguel’s voice was soft, and his eyes were fixed on his son. He was wearing an old Cougars jersey and jeans, his leather jacket folded over his arm. His hair seemed longer than it had before, falling past his shoulders in thick, dark waves.

  “Hi, Miguel!” Andy said, staring up at him, looking like a funny little elfin figure in his puffy jacket. He gaped at his dad. “You look different without your helmet!”

  “Oh, yeah.” He ran a hand through his hair and swallowed, looking to me for a little help.

  “Andy,” I said, leaning over to talk to him. “Sweetie. You know how I always said I hoped you might meet your daddy someday?”

  “Yeah…” Andy looked wary. I’d mentioned his dad plenty, mostly just saying it was someone who was a friend who’d “had to leave” and telling him stories about when Miguel and I had grown up together. But I’d been careful never to mention a name and I’d never said he played for The Cougars.

  “Miguel is your daddy, baby,” I said. Tears filled my eyes and I sniffed, wiping them away with the sleeve of my sweater. I glanced at Miguel and saw he was looking pretty glassy eyed. That surprised me. Miguel so rarely cried. I’d seen him cry maybe three times ever, and two of those times had been after very bad fights with his dad.

  “You’re my dad?” Andy said, gaping up at Miguel. He said it as if Miguel might be Superman.

  Miguel knelt down on one knee to look at him eye to eye. He seemed so nervous. “Yeah. I’m your dad and I’m really glad to see you,” he said. His voice was shaky. It was kind of adorable. “Um...do you...um… Do you want to give me a hug?”

  It was the most awkward invitation to a hug I’d ever seen and even Andy laughed, but he also lunged forward, and practically attacked Miguel with a joyful hug and then Miguel and I were both crying. He looked at me over Andy’s shoulder and mouthed “thank you” and I nodded.

  I felt like something significant had finally just locked into place after a long, long time.

  Chapter Seven: Miguel

  I was holding my son in my arms. Suddenly I had a moment that beat out any best moment from any game and even the moment I’d seen Daisy for the first time, although it was very close. This was the best moment of my life. I knew it as soon as he threw his arms around me.

  I was already crying and now I was trying not to sob. That wasn’t cool at all.

  When Miguel pulled away, he said, “Are you a lion like me? You smell like one.”

  “Yeah,” I said, nodding. If I somehow hadn’t been one, I suppose it would have just been the strange question of a little kid, but I nodded. “Yeah, I’m a lion just like you and your mom. We’re all lions.”

  “Cool.”

  I nodded, feeling oddly flustered. It was as if I was just dying to impress this tiny child. So far at least, I seemed to be doing a pretty good job. He grabbed his mother’s hand and we made our way out. The plan was for me to come over to Daisy’s place and have dinner. I’d been nervous about it for two days, though I’d managed to take my extraneous energy out on the ice. We’d won the game because of me, if I do say so myself.

  Andy was smiling up at me, looking so excited. He was happy I was his dad and it blew my mind a little. Sure, I was a hockey player and all that but I’d never imagined any kid being happy I was his dad. My heart felt huge in my chest and I nudged Daisy as we walked out into the bright, crisp cold Minnesota winter.

  “I’ve never felt like this before,” I said to her.

  She nodded and hooked her arm through mine. But all she said was, “Good.”

  We were crossing the parking lot when I saw a dark figure who stood out among the other fans wearing bright yellow Cougars sweatshirts.

  Haldo.

  You’re losing your mind, I thought.

  There was absolutely no legitimate reason to think that Haldo was suddenly following me around. This was just like when I’d thought I saw him in the woods. They were stupid reasons though. Reasons like, I’d screwed him over and left him alive and I’d always been afraid he would come after me again and now that I had so much worth losing and potentially a real future with an actual family I’d always wanted and been afraid of...wasn’t that the perfect time for the spectre of Haldo to suddenly make an appearance?

  I thought I’d seen him, tall and lean and all in black, standing under a barren tree on the sidewalk. I blinked and he was gone. I must have imagined it, I thought. I looked down at Andy, my son (my son!) walking along in the snow and humming to himself. He was fine. We were fine.

  There was no Haldo.

  My phone buzzed in my pocket and I whipped it out as we arrived at the car and Andy dutifully took the backseat.

  Dylan wanted to know how things were going.

  I didn’t even know where to begin. I didn’t really have a good description for what it felt like to meet my son that I could fit into one word, so I only said: Really good.

  Dylan sent me a thumbs up. In the car, Daisy muttered about how her heat didn’t work and I made a mental note. She definitely needed a good car. I could already tell as she pulled out of the lot that the brakes were just slightly sticky. I wasn’t rich but I definitely had more money than I needed and I was going to make damn sure that Daisy and Andy had a decent car, especially in the kind of weather they had to get around in.

  Andy had his seatbelt on, but he kept trying to lean in
to the front seat to ask me questions. I felt a little like I was at a very silly job interview. He wanted to know how long I’d played hockey, how I’d started playing hockey, if I could teach him to play hockey-

  “Does he have skates?” I said to Daisy. The thought of teaching my son to play hockey was way too exciting. Daisy only shook her head, but she was practically beaming when I said, “I’ll take him out to get skates.” I smiled back at him and said, “‘Course I can teach you how to play hockey.”

  “Yesss!” Andy high-fived me and I sat back in my seat, secretly smiling to myself.

  “You need a new car,” I announced as we made our way inside. Daisy opened her mouth, probably to tell me her antiquated old Mazda was the best she could do and I shook my head. “I’m on it. Don’t worry.”

  “You don’t have to fix everything,” Daisy said, nudging me as we made our way up the front walk of her building.

  “No, but I can try,” I said, shrugging. “That’s what alphas do.”

  “I think that went pretty well,” Daisy said later, once she’d put Andy to bed.

  I thought it had too. In fact, my face hurt from smiling, I thought it had gone so well. I had to get used to the energy of a little kid. They loved to repeat things and ask a million questions and when Andy had wanted to do nothing more than jump up and down instead of sitting down to eat, Daisy had shaken her head, summing up her patience before getting him to stop. Apparently, he was more hyper than usual lately.

  He tired himself out eventually. He hadn’t wanted to go to bed, but eventually he’d fallen asleep right on my lap.

  “I just realized, I have no idea how to discipline a kid the good way,” I said, as Daisy sat down next to me. We were sipping cheap beer now that Andy was asleep. “I only know what not to do. I mean how do you know what to do? You make him sit in a corner or something? Use the mom voice?”