He knew why. He hadn’t said he would miss her, as well. He cursed under his breath. Those words were inadequate to describe what he was feeling. Hell, he didn’t even know what he was feeling. Everything was confused. It had happened so fast. One minute he was living his life, with no concerns and no questions. A few short weeks later he was deeply involved with a woman and her daughter. He didn’t know what he was supposed to do. Should he ask her not to leave, or just forget about her? Could he risk another relationship? Would she be willing to take that chance? Was it genetics or bad luck that kept the four Haynes brothers single? Was he or was he not a duck?
The last question made him smile. He saw Elizabeth glance at him out of the corner of her eye. He drew in a deep breath to plunge into an emotional discussion, but at the last second chose something more safe.
“Mandy’s going to love everything you bought her,” he said.
“I hope so.” She brushed her hair off her shoulders. “Everything cost enough. If she doesn’t like it, I think I’ll make her get a job to pay me back for everything.”
He grinned. “We can always use another deputy.”
For the first time in almost an hour, Elizabeth grinned back. She looked at him, some of the concern leaving her eyes. “She’d love that. I suspect she’d spend her day running the siren.”
“That would be a problem.” His smile faded. “Look, I’ve been thinking about this whole money thing. I don’t want you to pay me for the rooms. You’re going to need it to get on your feet, financially.”
She turned until she was facing him. He gave her a quick glance. Her mouth pulled into a straight line and her jaw was clenched.
“I insist,” she said forcefully. “We made a deal, Travis. The money was the only thing that allowed me to accept your hospitality. It was too little to begin with, it probably didn’t even cover food. If I can’t pay you, it’s too much like lying about everything.”
He should have known she would make this more difficult than it had to be. He grabbed the steering wheel tightly, then moved into the right lane for the turnoff to Glenwood. “I don’t need the money and you do. As for covering the food bill, give me a break. You two hardly eat anything. I want to do this for you. I want to help.”
She rested her hand on his forearm. He liked the feel of her fingers brushing against his skin. It was hard not to get distracted.
“I don’t need your help anymore,” she said. “Even if I did, I can’t accept it. This isn’t about you, it’s about Sam. He paid for everything. He didn’t want me to work. When I did, after Mandy started school, he was very unhappy. He insisted that I keep my money for myself. I have almost a year’s salary saved up. It might sound silly to you. You’ve always been responsible for yourself. But for six years a man controlled my life. I don’t want that to happen again. Please don’t start changing the rules on me now.”
He drove past the sheriff’s station and the small park with the duck pond. At the corner he turned left and entered the residential section where Elizabeth was going to live. He made a right on her street, then pulled into the driveway and turned off the engine.
He understood what she was saying, but he didn’t have to like it. So much of her life was still tied up with Sam Proctor. He rubbed the bridge of his nose. Who was he to talk? So much of his life was tied up with his past and reputation.
“I don’t care about the money,” he said at last. “If you insist on paying me, at least let me use the money to buy Mandy something. A bike, maybe. Is that against the rules?”
Elizabeth shook her head. “No. That would be wonderful. I appreciate all you’ve done with her. She really cares about you.”
“I care about her. I know you don’t want the rules changed, but I don’t have a lot of choice about this one. I can’t let go of Mandy. I don’t want to lose her. I’m not saying I’m a great father figure, but I’m not as bad as I thought. I want to stay involved with her.” He shifted in his seat, turning to face her. “Can we make that work?”
He hadn’t expected tears. Her big brown eyes glistened as she blinked frantically. One tear slipped onto her cheek. She brushed it away impatiently. “You’re a damn fine man, Travis Haynes. Don’t you dare let anyone tell you otherwise.”
He could feel something uncomfortably like a blush heating his cheeks. He cleared his throat. “Yeah, well, don’t let it get around, okay? I have this reputation.”
She leaned forward and touched her hand to his cheek. “I’m beginning to think your reputation is all talk. You’re far too decent to be any kind of a heartbreaker. I would like it very much if you would continue to see Mandy. I’ll work around your schedule or whatever it takes. She adores you.”
In the close confines of the Bronco, the scent of her body—the sweetness of her woman’s fragrance and the spicy temptation of her perfume—mingled together in a seductive aroma designed to drive him crazy. Her face was so near his, he could see the individual lashes framing her dark brown eyes. A few curling hairs drifted onto her cheek. The red lipstick she’d put on that morning had long since worn away, leaving her mouth soft and rose-colored.
This conversation was supposed to be about Mandy, but all he could think about was Elizabeth. Even as his mind screamed at him to just let her go, his heart protested the parting. He was torn between what he believed and what he wanted. Could he fight the legacy of his father? He and his brothers were so terrified of falling in love, of failing. Was it circumstance or destiny? He’d chosen to become involved with Mandy. Could he choose to become involved with Elizabeth? Could he choose to love her? Could he make it work?
He’d tried once, and failed. Julie had been his wife. But he’d never felt these powerful emotions before. He’d never needed her the way he needed Elizabeth. Was it enough?
“Travis?”
He had to let her go. It was the only sensible decision to make. Everything in his past warned him that he would fail if he tried again. Yet his heart begged for one more chance. What if everyone was wrong? What if he could do it? Making it work with Elizabeth would be worth anything. What did he have without her?
He took her hands in his. Her fingers were small and delicate, yet capable. She stared at him, her eyes concerned yet trusting.
They hadn’t been together long enough.
She was moving out; he didn’t have any more time.
“Don’t go,” he said.
Chapter Fourteen
“What did you say?” Elizabeth asked, sure she must have heard him incorrectly.
“Don’t go. I want you and Mandy to stay with me.”
“Are you crazy?”
“Maybe. But stay anyway.”
“No,” she said loudly. “No, I can’t. I won’t. Don’t ask me. Dammit, Travis. What are you doing?”
She didn’t wait to hear the answer. After undoing her seat belt, she opened the truck door and jumped down to the ground. She moved to the back of the Bronco and started grabbing her packages. He stood and watched her.
“I care about you. I don’t want to lose you.”
Each word was a blow to her heart. Her chest tightened and her breathing became labored. “I asked you not to change the rules. Why are you doing this?”
“Why are you angry?” His voice was low and quiet. She could hear the pain in each word.
The anger would keep her strong, but she couldn’t tell him that. When she’d collected as much as she could carry, she walked past him to the front door. After fumbling with the key, she stepped inside and dropped her bags on the ugly gold sofa.
The house still smelled musty. The small dark rooms would never be more than what they already were: a temporary escape from her life, from her past and the shame that haunted her.
She stood in the center of the living room and fought the tears. Pain clawed at her stomach. She folded her arms over her belly and tried to hold it all inside. Not now, she prayed. Not like this. Not Travis. Didn’t he know how much she’d grown to need and trust him? He could
n’t change now. It wasn’t right. It wasn’t fair.
She heard him behind her. He set several boxes on the floor.
“Elizabeth.”
“Don’t say anything.” She turned to face him. “I don’t want to hear it. We had everything planned. We were going to be friends. Travis, I desperately need you in my life, but only as my friend. I can’t do more. It’s too dangerous. I’ve made that mistake before and I’m never going to do it again.”
He was tall and powerful standing there in the darkened room. His white, long-sleeved shirt emphasized his strength and good looks. She studied the lines of his face, the sadness in his dark eyes. His arms hung loose at his side, but his hands were clenched into fists.
“You don’t understand,” he said.
He was right, she thought. She didn’t understand and she didn’t want to.
“I love you.”
His words hit her with the force of a lightning bolt, and she nearly went down. Her legs trembled and her breathing stopped. She stared at him, then gasped in a breath. He loved her?
“You can’t,” she said.
He shrugged. “All my life I’ve been told I couldn’t be a good husband or father. My dad made a mess of both. My uncles are all failures in that department, as well. Every time I tried to make it work, I couldn’t. After a while I gave up trying. If it looks like a duck and walks like a duck and sounds like a duck, it’s probably a duck.”
She remembered the small stuffed yellow duck he’d brought her when he’d gone shopping with Mandy. Even then he’d been wrestling with his feelings for her. She should have known. But what difference would it have made? Would she have left him? She wanted to say yes, of course she would have, but she wasn’t sure it was true. Her time with Travis had been magical. Would she have willingly cut it short?
“What I have figured out,” he said, continuing, “is that everyone has choices. Earl and his brothers didn’t try hard enough. They could have made it work if they wanted to. I could have made it work with Julie. I cared about her. The marriage failed because of a lack of chemistry or each of us being lazy, not because I’m incapable of making a relationship last.”
“I don’t want to hear this.” She started toward the hallway.
He grabbed her arm as she passed him. “You have to listen. It’s important. This thing between us isn’t going to go away. I’m willing to take a chance, Elizabeth. I know you’ve been burned. I have, too. I know it’s frightening. It’s too soon, we don’t know each other well enough. But I can’t risk losing you and Mandy. I love you both. I never thought I’d ever say those words again, but I believe them to be true with all my being. Trust me. Trust us.”
She tried to pull away, but he wouldn’t let her go. She was forced to look up at him, at the fire flaring in his eyes. These flames frightened her more than the fire of desire. His gaze burned with the heat of conviction. He did believe what he told her, that he loved her. That they had a chance. She wanted to weep from the sadness of it all. Couldn’t he see that this was all a cruel joke? It would never work out; she wouldn’t let it.
Oh, but she wanted to believe. Her heart had leapt when he’d said he loved her. For a single heartbeat, joy had filled her. Reality was too powerful, though, and couldn’t be ignored.
“I don’t want to hear this,” she said and looked away from him. “I don’t believe you. Even if I did, it doesn’t change anything.”
He was stunned. She could tell by the way he stiffened. He released her instantly and stepped back. “Why?”
She closed her eyes against his suffering and against the temptation he offered. If only she had never met Sam, she might have been able to respond to the gift Travis offered. But she had met Sam and he had changed her.
“Love isn’t enough. I loved Sam and look what happened. In his own twisted way, he might have even loved me.”
“I don’t appreciate the comparison. I’m not a bigamist. I don’t have a secret past. I’m not going to destroy your life, I’m going to make it better.”
“I like my life just the way it is. Mandy and I don’t need anyone. Sam disappeared, never bothering to say why he’d done it. He barely apologized. He signed over custody of his daughter as if she meant less to him than a car. I’m never going to risk that again. Never.” She knew she was practically shouting, but she couldn’t help herself. He wanted too much. She wouldn’t take a chance, she couldn’t. “I know. The loving doesn’t keep you safe.”
Travis moved close and placed his hands on her shoulders. “I am not Sam,” he said, speaking slowly as if she couldn’t make out the words clearly. “I would never do that to you. What I do is a part of who I am. The ideals of my job are here—” He touched his chest, then brushed hers, just above her left breast. “And here. You know that, Elizabeth. You’ve always known you could trust me. That’s why you came home with me. That’s why you’re afraid now. You don’t want to believe, but I’m not going to give you another choice in the matter. I’m not Sam Proctor. I won’t leave you or lie to you. I’ll take care of you and Mandy. I’ll be here every night to protect you.”
His words were like quicksand. The more she struggled, the deeper she sank. Soon she would be swallowed whole into his world. She fought against his spell. “I don’t need rescuing. I’m fine on my own. Why won’t you believe that?”
Suddenly she was free. He jerked away from her and the quicksand disappeared into nothing. His emotional bonds had snapped. She was alone, as she had requested.
He walked to the window and stared out at her front yard. The pain radiated out from him. Waves and waves crashed over her, making her want to weep for both of them.
“Why?” he asked, without looking at her.
She had no answer because she didn’t understand the question. Did he ask why she couldn’t love him back, or why he had loved her at all? She didn’t want to know which. He had come to the end of his journey, had shed the false covering learned from his family and had finally seen the true man inside. To what end? She was the last woman in the world to be able to give him what he needed. She would carry that guilt with her forever.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered. “So very sorry. I want to be what you need, what you want, but I can’t be. If it was just me, I might take the chance again. But I have to think about Mandy. I won’t risk either of our hearts.”
“Why won’t you listen?” he asked, still staring out the window. “I’m not Sam.”
“I know. I just wish it was enough.”
He turned then. Anguish filled his face, drawing his mouth straight and tightening his jaw. “Have you considered the fact that it might be too late?”
She fought the urge to step back. Too late? Too late because she had already fallen in love with him? “It’s not.” It couldn’t be.
He smiled then, a cold smile without humor. “You’d better pray that you’re right.”
“Please don’t be angry with me. I wish I could explain.”
“No!” He crossed the room in two strides and grabbed her. This time his grip was hard and bruising. Before she could start to fight, he pulled her up against him. “I’m the one who has to explain. Why can’t I find the words?”
“Because there’s nothing you can say.”
“You’re wrong.”
She expected a verbal assault. Instead he began another campaign, one much more deadly to her peace of mind.
He kissed her. Not the hot ravishing kiss she might have expected. Despite his firm hold on her shoulders, his mouth was tender against hers. Familiar warmth curled through her, starting at her toes and working its way up to her breasts. The fingers on her shoulders began to knead her tense muscles, soothing them, relaxing her to the point of weakness.
He used his body to speak for him. His chest pressed against hers, offering strength and a place to rest. Long, powerful legs brushed her own. His arousal spoke of passion and perhaps even love if she was foolish enough to believe.
She told herself to push him a
way, to be cruel to be kind. Better for both of them. She raised her hands to his arms to give herself the leverage necessary to walk away; then she felt the sweet brush of his tongue on her lips.
Instantly her body responded to the caress. Her breasts swelled. Already puckered nipples sought the relief of his touch. Between her thighs the ache deepened as moisture dampened her panties. One last time. One last moment of passion. One last embrace. One last chance to lean on him, to accept his strength and his comfort. While his love frightened her, she could understand and accept the solace of his body. When he knew what she had done—willingly come to him, knowing it was never going to be more than this moment—he wouldn’t forgive her. She wouldn’t have to bother with sending him away. He would go on his own, hating her.
He was her weakness and her greatest strength. She would be with him, fully knowing that each moment of pleasure would cause her to die a little.
She opened her mouth to him, accepting him inside. He swept over and around, touching, tasting. She stroked his shoulders and back, then moved up to slip her fingers through his curly hair. When he stepped away from her, she murmured a protest. He picked her up in his arms and carried her toward her bedroom. She clung to him, kissing his neck, tracing the line where his afternoon stubble met smooth skin, wrinkling her nose at the slightly bitter taste of his after-shave.
The king-size bed had no sheets or covers. He placed her in the center, then bent over her. Before he could touch her, she began to unbutton his shirt. She worked quickly, while she was able, then pulled the loose ends free of his jeans. She crushed the still-warm fabric in her hands, savoring the feel of his body heat. He sat up and shrugged out of the shirt.
His chest was broad and tanned, with a faint sprinkling of dark hair between his flat nipples. Slipping free of his long legs, she, too, sat up, mimicking his position and pulled her own shirt over her head. Their eyes locked. A smile tugged at the corner of his mouth. She caught the spirit of their game and reached for her shoes and socks.
Her athletic shoes hit the floor the same time as his boots. She settled back on the bed, kneeling in front of him. He reached for the first button on his fly. She did the same. As he unbuttoned, she unzipped.
The Best Bride Page 19
