Zane grunt, a deep, manly grunt. "Never. I'm going to be thinking dirty thoughts about you anyway. Next time, I'll lock my door first before I whip him out, that's all."
I can't help but laugh. The image of Zane stroking himself turns me on at the same time.
"You know, we're not at work right now. We're both home. Alone. Doors are locked. No one is going to interrupt us. Anything you can think you might want to do right now?"
"Besides slip inside you all the sudden," he quickly retorts.
"Well, you're a little far away for that."
"Webcam," he suggests.
"Hell, no. You never know who might hack into that and see what we're up to. I don't trust the people in this apartment building. But," I say, putting a little rumble in my voice, "I bet I can get you off just talking to you."
"Babe, I'm almost there already. The sound of your voice, when you get all sultry and shit, goes straight to my dick. I'm about to blow a load in my pants."
"We don't want that. You should take your pants off and I'll walk you through exactly what I want you to do."
Zane's all too eager to follow my directions. As I describe in vivid detail his every action, I picture it in my mind. His eyes are closed. He's resting his head against the back of the couch. His hand is wrapped around his thick, bulging—
Knock. Knock. Knock.
Who the hell is at my door?
"Zane—"
"Hold on, baby. I'm so close. Tell me how much you want me."
"You have no idea. But—"
"Oh, God."
He's not going to listen to me. I'm going to have to get him there before I answer the door.
Knock. Knock. Knock.
"Harder, Zane. Faster. Faster."
I keep making demands until I hear him let go. Then I head for the door, looking through the peephole to find Brianna standing on the other side.
"Babe, I gotta let you go. Brianna's here."
"But I didn't get to repay the favor."
"Don't worry. I'll call you back in a bit. If you don't hear from me, I'm dead in a ditch somewhere."
Zane doesn't laugh. Instead, he makes me promise to call or text him every thirty minutes so he knows I'm okay. We both know Brianna isn't dangerous, but she's not exactly my biggest fan right now either.
When I finally open the door, Brianna blows past me without waiting for an invitation.
"I can't do this," she says. "I have too much on my plate right now with the baby and Hunter finally back to work. I just, I can't."
"Calm down. What's going on?" I ask, offering her a glass of wine, but she shakes her head.
"Keeping your secret is killing me."
"So tell everyone," I reply flippantly. "I don't care if people know. They were bound to find out eventually."
That's a lie. Every last word. No one would have ever found out if Helen hadn't slipped up. My secret would still be under wraps.
And I do care if people know I'm behind the rumors. I went through a lot of trouble to make sure if something like this did happen, no one could trace things back to me. Now everything points to me, and that means trouble when people find out.
But, if she thinks I don't care, maybe that will take the pressure off her and she'll stop freaking the fuck out.
"I don't care about anyone other than my husband. He's going to be pissed. I don't think you get it. He tried to warn you, tried to get you to listen, but you purposely went behind his back anyway."
"He's not my father," I spit out before realization hits me.
She's not talking about the rumors. She's not referring to me being the source.
She's talking about Zane.
"He's your boss. That should mean something. He's also your friend. He cares about you, and Zane."
A friend.
Yes, Hunter is great. He's a fantastic boss. I wouldn't want to work for anyone else. We grew really close the years I spent as his assistant. I know he cares about me. That's what's so frustrating.
"If he cares about me, about us, he should be happy for us. We like each other. A lot. We make each other happy. Whether this lasts two more days or two more years, he should want to support our relationship, not keep us apart. What would you have done if your best friend started dating someone you didn't want her to? Would you have tried to keep them apart even if they were great together? No, you wouldn't have. You would have sucked it up, supported her, and been there for her if she needed you. That's what he should do.
"I get that things probably shouldn't have started when they did. It was your wedding. We both brought other people with us. Neither of us wanted to ruin anything for you, but at the end of the day, we couldn't stay away from each other. And we didn't want to. We're grown adults, Brianna. We can make decisions for ourselves. Whether this blows up in our faces or we turn into you and Hunter ten years down the road, the only way to find out is to try.
"So that's what we're doing. And to be honest with you, the more I think about it, the less I care what anyone thinks. The less I care that it looks bad we met the way we did. The less I care if Hunter approves or not. The only thing I should care about is how I feel about him and how he feels about me. So that's what I'm going to focus on. If you want to tell him, go right ahead. Zane is going to be here this weekend, and he was planning on telling him then. In person. Man to man. I'd prefer you let them talk this out but do what you have to do."
The blank stare she has on her face causes my stomach to churn. My meatloaf is threatening to come up, and my hands are shaking. I'm angry, but I'm content at the same time. I spoke my mind; I let my feelings free.
Why should I have to hide my happiness so it doesn't upset someone else? I shouldn't, and I don't plan to anymore.
"I'm sorry," Brianna finally says, clutching her purse to her chest. "I didn't give you enough credit. After finding out about the whole rumor mill stuff and then Zane, I think I may have judged you wrong. Honestly, I thought you were using him. Not for sex but to get under Hunter's skin. But that's not the case at all, is it? You love him, and you're right. You can make your own decisions. You're secret is safe with me."
Without another word, Brianna lets herself out. Leaving me with only my thoughts, her words spin over and over again through my mind.
Wait, that's the room spinning. And that's my stomach lurching.
Bolting down the hall, my head is over the toilet as I expel the only meal I've eaten today.
Love.
I don't love him. That's not possible.
The thought causes me to puke again before collapsing on the floor, repeating Brianna's words over and over again.
You love him.
Chapter Six
I let the realization of my situation sink in as I push myself off the bathroom floor. Making my way to the living room and flopping onto the couch, I then turn on the television for background noise as I stare at pictures of me and Zane from last weekend on my phone.
This was supposed to be fun. A dangerous hookup. A dirty secret no one knew about but us.
Then Brianna found out and ruined everything.
Putting stupid ideas in my head. Spinning our situation in a direction it's not headed.
I'm not in love with Zane. That's impossible.
Sure, I like him. He's great. Funny. Sweet. Sexy as hell. He understands me and accepts me for who I am. We have a lot in common. We’re both wild and free, and we like it that way.
Most of all, he keeps me on my toes.
I never seem to know what's going to happen next. Even if I tried to figure it out, he'd surprise me.
One joke, one look, can lead us in a direction I never thought possible. I'd assume we'd end up in bed. Instead, we'd end up on the roof, looking up at the stars. Cuddle in each other’s arms. A half-empty bottle of wine sitting on the blanket next to us.
I expect hot and sexy. He gives me sweet and classy. And vice versa.
Like tonight, on the phone. A simple conversation led us down a path w
here he's getting off from the sound of my voice. I didn't see that coming. Just like every other conversation or interaction we have, I still enjoyed it.
And again, Brianna ruined it for me.
Showing up unannounced.
Which reminds me. I need to text him.
ME: She just left. All is well. Talk to you tomorrow.
ZANE: Tomorrow? I thought we were going to finish what we started before she showed up...
ME: I'm exhausted. I'm gonna call it a night. I'll call you tomorrow.
ZANE: Are you sure you're okay?
Of course I am. That's what I want to say, but it would be a total lie. I'm far from okay at the moment. In fact, I don't really know what I am, how I feel, or what I want.
I'm scared of this. Of what Brianna insinuated. Of the idea Zane might be the person I've wanted all this time. Because that's not shit we talk about with each other. We keep it light, fun, casual, to a degree.
We're not sleeping with other people, but we're not exactly exclusive or anything.
He has his life; I have mine.
It has to be that way when you live two thousand miles away from each other. When weekends are the only times you get to see each other. When phone sex and sexting are how you keep the spark alive the other five days of the week.
That's not a relationship.
Hell, that's barely a booty call.
But before I can tell him any of this, I need to figure out what I want from him. If I want anything at all. If this is worth pursuing because the thought of getting hurt makes me want to vomit. Again.
ME: Yeah, just tired. Good night.
ZANE: Ally, I feel like there's something you're not telling me.
There's a lot of shit I'm not telling him.
ZANE: What did Bri say?
ME: She wanted to tell Hunter because it was bothering her, keeping it from him, but I promised her you would tell him this weekend.
ZANE: I'm going to try and come up Thursday if I can. I'll let you know. Get some rest. We'll figure out a plan tomorrow.
ME: Night.
Knowing he's going to reply and I'll be forced to respond, I turn my phone off.
It's never one more text. One more minute on the phone. It’s hours. It's endless. I could listen to the sound of his voice all night. Every night.
Except tonight.
Tonight I need space. I need time to think. To overanalyze is more accurate.
I need someone to talk to. Someone who's been through this or something similar. And there's only one person I can think of who I trust to keep my secret and give me great advice.
ME: You up for a nightcap? I need some advice.
MEGAN: Does this have to do with your mystery man?
ME: You know it does.
MEGAN: Are you going to tell me who he is?
ME: I don't think I have a choice. He's part of the problem.
MEGAN: It's too soon for trouble in paradise. This must be big. The bar or your place?
ME: I have wine.
MEGAN: On my way.
Before Megan moved in with Vinnie, she lived almost an hour away. I hated always waiting on her when I needed her. Not because it was inconvenient but because the distance she had to travel gave me extra time to overthink whatever was on my mind.
Thankfully, she's only a short ten-minute drive from me now, so by the time she knocks on my door, I haven't already dug myself a hole I can't get out of.
"Wine first," I state as I shut the door behind her.
"It can't be that bad." Megan's voice is filled with hope.
I like her like this. Happy. In love. Positive. It all looks good on her.
Even when she was happy with Ryder, she was never like this. This is different. Vinnie has changed her, in a good way. Underneath it all, though, my best friend is still feisty, a fighter, and better at keeping secrets than anyone I know.
Hell, she kept her own secret for almost an entire year before coming clean and clearing her name.
Megan takes a seat at the dining room table as she begins peppering me for details while she waits for her glass of wine.
"I'm going to need a name for starters. What he does for a living. How you two met. Everything. I want day one details until today. What he did to piss you off. Why you look like you might throw up. Wait—"
A look of shock crosses her face as I hand her her wine glass.
"You're not pregnant, are you?" she whispers, her face relaxing into a look of concern.
"Oh my God, Megan. No!"
"Thank, God. I wasn't sure how we were going to handle that one."
"Well, let's not even think about that. I have enough on my plate to deal with as it is already."
"Tell me what's going on. I've never seen you look like this before."
Starting from the beginning, I fill Megan in on the last few weeks. The moment I tell her it's Zane, her eyes bulge but she says nothing. She's silent; nodding when she feels it's appropriate is her only form of communication.
The first time we met, before we realized who the other person was. The night at the bar. How upset Hunter was when he found out. The way things transpired after that night, with Chris and with Cammie. Our sneaking around in the Bahamas and here. Why I was making up excuses to not hang out. Our weekend 'indoor' adventures.
I give her every detail right up until Brianna walked into my apartment an hour ago.
The only thing I leave out is the first half of my conversation with Brianna in the bathroom last night. I'm not ready to confess to Megan that I'm behind the rumors. I need her in my life, and if she knows, she might hate me forever.
"So are you?" she asks after I finish my story, draining two glasses of wine in the process.
"Am I what?"
"In love with him."
"Come on, Megan. I can't be in love with him. I've known him less than a month. People don't fall in love that fast," I protest.
"I did."
"That was different."
"How so? I met Vinnie at Tyler's wedding, and a month later, I was moving in with him. Despite what people said. Despite how quick it was. I love him. I knew it after only a few weeks. And not because the sex was so amazing. It was the way he made me feel. How close he held me after we made love. The smile that forms on his face when I walk in a room.
"Falling in love with him was the best thing that ever happened to me. I tried to fight it, you know that. I didn't want a relationship. I didn't even want to invite him in that night. The fact is, I did, and there was a reason for that. In the end, I saw the big picture. Ryder was only a part of my journey. Vinnie was my destination. Maybe Zane is yours."
She sounds like a damn Hallmark card. Sappy and sweet. Full of positivity and shit.
"Doubtful."
"I have to be honest, when you told me it was Zane, I was surprised. Not because it was him but because you were able to keep it a secret all this time. The rumor mill must be on vacation if no one knows about this yet."
Something like that.
"I suppose. Although, if they were talking about me, I wouldn't be the first to hear, would I?"
"Probably not. How do you think Hunter's going to react?"
"I can't imagine it's going to be good. I'm just glad Zane is telling him and not me."
"You don't think he'll fire you, do you?"
See... I'm not the only one who thinks like that. Hunter may be nice and caring and a great boss, but firing me seems like an option. Thankfully, it's illegal.
"No, Zane said it would be illegal for him to fire me for that. And since he's not really the type to get revenge or payback or anything like that, I'm guessing he's not going to go looking for a reason to fire me. He'll most likely be pissed, probably ride my ass at work for a few weeks, and then hopefully get over it. For Zane, I'm not sure what the consequences will be. I hope they'll still be friends. I'd feel awful if Hunter shut him out. Especially now that they have baby Bethany. I know Zane is looking forward to meeting her."
"Just remember what I said. It's not the path you travel to get there, it's the destination. The road is going to be bumpy. That's what makes the journey worth it."
"Zane is not my destination," I say, using my finger to make air quotes. "If anything, he's Mr. Right Now. This isn't supposed to be a serious thing. We set out to have fun. There was a spark between us, that's all. We pursued it, it's been fun, but maybe our fun had come to an end."
Megan bites her bottom lip, but I can still see her smile.
"Are you laughing at me?"
"I'm trying not to. Are you listening to yourself? Do you hear the way you're talking?"
"I'm trying to be realistic, Megan. I invited you over here to help me figure this out, not make fun of me."
"Listen, Ally, I get it. This scares the shit out of you. It should. Love is scary. If it wasn't, people wouldn't take it as seriously as they do. It's delicate and needs to be handled with care."
Megan continues as I pour myself another glass of wine, emptying the bottle. That's when I realize she hasn't touched hers. Cautiously eying her, I only half listen to the promises of happiness she makes me.
Let love in, it's the best thing that you'll ever experience.
It makes you feel things you've never felt before. Want things you never thought you'd want. Dream bigger and appreciate the small things in life.
She's so beyond in love with Vinnie it's sickening. I never want to feel like that. Like I owe all my happiness to another person. That I can't be happy by myself. Because I can.
I am.
I have been for years.
And I will be long after Zane is a distant memory.
"I get it," I finally interrupt, unable to listen to another sickly sweet remark about how great life is when you're with your one true love.
"No, you don't. Because until you admit that you love him, you won't allow yourself to feel like this. Let go of whatever’s holding you back, Ally. That's the only way you can move forward. If you don't, you'll lose him. I promise you that."
Let go, huh?
Easier said than done.
Rumors: Allison & Zane Page 4
