"Please," Ted replied, offering her his plate.
Zane sat on the other side of me, loading his plate with mashed potatoes and gravy.
Was I the only one wondering what he was referring to?
"So, Allison," Ted started as Sylvia loaded his plate with fixings. "Do you like working for Hunter?"
"I do," I said, avoiding eye contact. I stared at my empty white plate. It was pristine, looked brand new. As did everything else in their house.
Perfection. Or as close to it as I've ever seen. It reminded me of Herman and Margoret's home, only not as flashy. It was clear they have money; they just weren’t flaunting it.
"He's a great man. We've met him on several occasions. He has his head on straight, that one. And a good wife. Beautiful and sweet. Didn't you say they just had a baby?" His question is directed at Zane. I can tell by the shift in tone.
"They're in the process of adopting," Zane clarified.
"Really?" his mom asked. "Can they not have one of their own? They would make beautiful babies. Not as pretty as yours, but beautiful none the less."
In the comfort of their own home, I was starting to see Zane's parents in a different light. There had been subtle things all week that had led me to believe they don't really approve of me, but nothing glaringly obvious. Now, as they sat here and judged Hunter and Brianna for saving the life of a baby who needed them, I was close to exploding on them.
"No, Mom. They can't. Brianna is over the moon, though. She loves Bethany as if she were her own, and soon she will be."
"Well, not really," Sylvia drawled.
"Yes, really," I stated, tossing my napkin on my plate and standing. "Who are you to judge their situation? You just sat here and thanked the Lord for all his blessings, yet you find it okay to judge his work. He's the one who gave them a child. It may not have come from them, but that child will be loved to the ends of the earth and back. She'll never doubt that they wanted her."
Zane reached over and placed his hand on my arm, but I shrugged away from him.
"You're judging me too. Every time you look at me. I hear the words you say, but I also see the contradiction in your actions. Me being married before, that's an issue for you. That's fine. It's an issue for me too. I never wanted my husband to die. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. That was the plan. It didn't work out. He was taken from me.
"Looking at me with pity doesn't make it better. It actually makes it worse. I don't talk about him because it's still painful, and it's been five years. I love him, as much as I love your son. It's not a competition. I don't compare them; there is no comparison. They are two completely different people.
"So, forgiving me of my past mistakes... well, the Lord is the one that took him, so I don't see that as my mistake. If I had my way, that night never would have happened. You can't change the past, though. You learn from it, grow, and move forward. I'm attempting to do that with your son. Accept me or not, I plan on being around for a long time to come."
Turning, I almost tripped over my own two feet as I ran toward the front door. Zane was there to stop me.
"Hey," he said, pulling me into his arms and resting his chin on my shoulder. I could feel his heart beating against my back.
"I'm sorry, but I couldn't sit there and let them discuss Bethany like that. Or me, for that matter."
"They weren't talking about you, Ally. They were talking about me. I've done a lot of things that I still need to ask for forgiveness for. Things I haven't told you about because I know you're either going to be pissed or run. Yes, the adoption comment was unnecessary, but my parents are good people. I swear to you. And they really like you, no matter what you believe."
Sure they did. Of course that's what told tell him.
"Can we just go, please?"
The ride home is tense. I didn't miss the fact that Zane has been keeping things from me. Secrets I have a feeling will be shared tonight.
Can they really be that bad? Worse than anything I've kept from him?
I doubt it.
I'm not proud of the mistakes I've made, but I'm learning to own them. I'm attempting to make amends with everyone I've ever wronged. It's not going to be easy, but I'll hopefully come out a better person once I'm done.
"Okay, let's get this over with," Zane says as we walk through his front door, a bag of greasy food in his hand.
My stomach started growling the second we pulled out of his parent’s driveway. He insisted we stop for food even though I claimed I wasn't hungry. I am, but I'm also nauseated.
"Food first?" I suggest, hoping to give myself more time to cope with what just went down.
Before we left, I quickly apologized to his parents. They accepted my apology, but when Sylvia went to hug me, I stepped out of her embrace. I didn't deserve their forgiveness or their love. Not yet. They're now on my list of people I've hurt.
Dinner is as silent as the car ride. It's not until Zane pushes the paper wrappers to the center of the table and takes my hand that either of us speaks.
"Look, I know you want to hear this about as much as I want to tell you, but it'll explain my father's prayer earlier. Just remember that I love you, more than you can possibly imagine." When he pauses, I look up from our entwined hands to find tears in his eyes. "I've never told anyone this, not even Hunter."
Holy shit! He's a serial killer or something, isn't he? Well, maybe not that, but whatever he's about to tell me is really bad. Bad enough that I'm already feeling like I want to run. He starts talking before I can plan my escape.
"The year after I came home from college, I met a girl. Her name was Alex. Things were intense from the start. She had a temper and hated it when I refused to fight with her. Against my parents’ wishes, I moved in with her. I was just starting my business, and they were worried she would cause too many problems for me. That's why my mom works for me. She wanted to be there just in case I needed her.
"About a year into our relationship, Alex and I had the first fight where I actually fought back. We were in my office, yelling, and my mother stepped in, asked her to leave. She didn't like that; cussed my mother out and slammed the door in her face. I think that upset me more than what we were fighting about. I kicked her out myself; told her to move out of our place and that I never wanted to see her again.
"Well, on her way back to our place, her car crashed into a brick wall. It wasn't an accident; it was suicide. There were no skid marks, no signs that she had tried to stop. They estimate she was going close to sixty miles an hour when she hit the wall and wasn't wearing her seat belt. She did it on purpose.
"I blamed myself for a long time after that. For her suicide. For the fight that never should have happened. For everything. It wasn't until about two years ago when her brother paid me a visit that everything started to make sense. Alex was bi-polar, manic-depressive, and had stopped taking her medication. Her brother said she had attempted suicide five times before she moved to Miami. They didn't even know where she was until I contacted them about her death.
"Still, it shook me up. I took a hard look in the mirror at the person I was when we met. I wanted to settle down, fall in love, and have someone by my side. I was willing to overlook so many things so I could have what I thought was my perfect future. To have what my parents have."
"That's why my accident freaked you out so much."
"Yeah, but that's not where this story ends, unfortunately." For real? "After she died, I went a little crazy myself. I refused to let myself get tied down. I went from girl to girl, making poor choices. I dabbled in drugs, drank way too much alcohol, and started racing cars. A bad combination. Thankfully I made it out alive. My parents pulled me away from that lifestyle, helped me get clean and back on the straight and narrow. Still, it wasn't until I met you that the idea of a relationship even crossed my mind.
"I was scared to lose someone again. I loved Alex in many ways. I can see now that it was more of a physical attraction than love, but when she died, it felt like I lost a
part of myself. I know you understand that. When Kevin died, a piece of your heart died with it. A piece I would never ask you to give up.
"So that's what the prayer was about. Forgiving ourselves for our past mistakes. My past mistakes. The times I made poor choices. The mistake of sending Alex away that day instead of talking to her. I have a lifetime of regrets, painful memories, and things I wish I could change. You do, too, but nothing about you or this or us is anything I'll ever regret. Even if you want to walk out that door right now and never look back. I love you, Allison. Like I've never loved anyone before in my life. I only hope you still love me."
We all have regrets. Scars. Things in life that have changed us, some for the better and others for the worst. I'm not proud of some of the things I've done in the past, but even after hearing Zane tell me about Alex, there's no place I'd rather be, no person I'd rather be with.
Moving on has a lot to do with forgiveness. Forgiving yourself and forgiving others.
Chapter Twenty
My last day in Miami is spent on the beach, with Zane and his small group of friends. It's a great way to end my vacation, relax, and clear my head. My flight leaves early tomorrow morning, and I'm back to work the next day.
I'm actually looking forward to it. There's so much I want to accomplish right now, personally and professionally, and the only way to get started is to jump back in the saddle. Get back to my life.
First thing on my agenda, close up shop.
The rumor mill was created by my hand, and it will die the same way. That means I need to let all parties involved know. Before they can start talking about anyone else.
Right now, I'm the subject of the gossip.
I knew it was bound to happen. Before the accident, people had already started talking thanks to Zane's announcement at Justine and Devon's reception. I can only imagine what they're saying now.
Justine refused to tell me. She said it didn't matter.
I'll find out one way or another, but she has a point. It shouldn't matter what they have to say. It's all speculation.
Still, being on the other side of the rumors, unable to control the gossip, it's a feeling I enjoy. Once I shut it down, the current rumors and the mill entirely, I'm hoping things will settle down at work a little. People are always going to talk; there's nothing I can do about that. My hope is that there will be fewer rumors, less drama, and fewer people hurt by what's said.
I know one thing for sure. I won't be the one spreading things anymore. I won't be at the center of it all, controlling the gossip.
Or maybe I should be?
It would give me a chance to keep people from getting hurt. To keep my life private.
Catching sight of Zane as he runs toward me, sand flying behind him as his feet propel him toward me, I shake away the thoughts.
No. I'm done with that part of my life. The new me wants nothing to do with the gossip.
"Hey, you coming in the water or not?" he asks, coming to a stop at the end of the blanket. I feel a sprinkle of sand fall on my legs, sticking immediately to the sunscreen I lathered myself in.
"Maybe in a while. I want to soak up the sun a bit more," I lie.
I've been in the ocean before. It scared me then, and it scares me now. It's massive. The water goes on as far as the eye can see. Aside from a few boats that look like tiny dots in the distance, there's nothing out there.
Nothing except a lot of water that can pull me under and take me away from the comfort of the beach.
"Ally, it was your idea to come to the beach. You've been begging me all week. Come in the water with me," he pleads.
I haven't shared my fear of the ocean with Zane. Mainly because it seems silly to be afraid of something like water. But, for someone who never learned how to swim, the fear is real. All it takes is one wave and I'm gone forever.
Zane crinkles up his nose when I don't reply. He's assessing me, assessing the situation, and when everything clicks, I can see it in his eyes. He knows. It all makes sense to him and he's smiling at me.
Extending his hand, he urges me to take it, so I finally do. Not because I want him to pull me in the water but because I love the way my tiny hand feels wrapped in his. The sense of security I get when he holds me. I'm safe with Zane, even in the water. I know this, but my heart still pounds against my chest, my pulse quickening, with every step we take toward the ocean.
The sand becomes damp beneath my feet. The water's rushing to the shore, and even though I know it'll only be a light splash against my toes, I curl them into the sand and brace myself for impact.
The water never comes.
We're not close enough.
"Come on," Zane says, tugging my hand.
I stopped walking when I saw the water, but he didn't.
"I'm scared," I confess.
"I know, but trust me. I won't let anything happen to you."
His words ooze confidence, and I take a step toward him, keeping my eyes locked on his. When the water laps over my feet, I resist the urge to jump back.
Not only is it colder than I expected, but it hit higher than I thought it would, coming up to my ankles. That's when I realize that the closer I walked to Zane, the further into the ocean he went.
He pulls me into his arms as the water hits my knees and kisses me deeply, causing a few of his buddies to rib him.
Get a room!
They've been picking on him all day. Poking fun at how whipped he is. All Zane does is smile at them and pull me closer. It doesn't help his cause at all.
His buddies are nice, but they also make me miss my friends. Watching them interact reminds me of the Dixon brothers. They may poke at each other, but you can tell it's because they care. And they're funny as hell.
His closest friend is my favorite so far. His name is Taylor, which is funny because he reminds me a lot of Tyler in looks and personality. He's very go with the flow, laid back, but you better watch out. He's also a prankster. He's been ribbing Zane the hardest.
Taylor's girlfriend, Sophia, is sweet. She's been lying on the blanket with me most of the afternoon. About an hour ago, she got called into work. I was sad to see her go since she was the only other girl, but at the same time, it gave me a moment of silence to put my life in perspective.
Until Zane came over and dragged me into the water, that is.
"You okay?"
"Yeah. Just don't let me go," I plead.
"Never, Ally. I'm never going to let you go. Which is something I've been meaning to talk to you about."
Did he just segue to what I think he did? No. Not right now.
This isn't the time or place for this to happen.
We've haven't been together long enough. I'm not ready yet. There's still one thing I have to do before he asks.
"I was thinking—"
"Wait," I interrupt.
"What?"
"If you're going to ask me what I think you're going to ask me, I want you to wait." The panic in my voice is real, and it has nothing to do with the water anymore.
Zane stares at me for a minute before bursting into laughter.
"Ally, I would never ask you to marry me here. Not like this."
Oh, thank god.
Wait...
"Well, if that's not what you were going to ask, what, then?"
"I was going to say I think it's time to live in the same city. Have a normal relationship. I was going to ask if you wanted to move down here."
Still not a step I'm ready to take but a much smaller step to consider than marriage.
"I, um, I don't know. My entire life is in Sunnyside. I'll have to think about it."
"If you don't want to live here, I can always move up there."
"I would never ask you to do that. Not yet. We're still figuring us out."
"I know what I want, Ally. I don't care where I live as long as it's with you. And yes, I do plan on asking you to marry me, as soon as I'm certain you'd say yes. Not a moment sooner."
Well, at leas
t one of us knows where this is headed.
Zane bends down, presses a kiss to my lips, and pulls me tighter against him. Standing in the water, with my head resting against his chest, I listen to the beat of his heart and the sound of the water rushing past our legs.
Both sounds bring me peace. A peace I haven't felt in a long time. And with that peace comes the resolve to hold onto the way I'm feeling right now.
Saying goodbye to Zane when I'm the one leaving is odd. I'm used to putting him on a plane, starting my countdown until he returns, and driving home in a daze.
Instead, I'm sitting in a hard plastic chair, waiting for my flight to start boarding. My thoughts are still the same, though. Dazed. Filled with highlights from the week. Zane's smile and his laugh. The variety of looks he gives me depending on his mood and our actions.
My favorite is the devious smirk he gets every time we crawl in bed. Or there's the look of pride that I saw when he introduced me to his parents and friends.
This man makes me feel special; there's no doubt about that. He deserves so much better than me, yet somehow I'm the lucky winner.
When a vision of the look on his face when he was telling me about Alex pops in my head, I try to push it away. That was a long night. We talked for hours, about Alex, about Kevin. Our shared pain. The loss. How we've both climbed from the depths of despair yet are still attempting to forgive ourselves for something we know wasn't our fault.
We bonded more that night than I've ever bonded with anyone. Even Kevin.
That was the night I realized I was ready to move on. I was ready to face my past and put it behind me. There will always be a piece of my heart that aches for Kevin, for the life we had, and the future we were robbed of, but the rest of my heart belongs to Zane.
That's what I'm choosing to focus on.
Because anything else will hold me back from what I need to do next.
And as my plane lands back in Sunnyside, I do everything I can to keep my focus. Even when I get lost in the parking garage attempting to locate my new car. Even when I turn the wrong way out of the airport and head toward my apartment.
Rumors: Allison & Zane Page 13
