I focus on Zane's love, on the life we have a chance to live together.
Forty minutes later, when I pull up in the driveway of my house, the home we shared, I can't hold on any longer. I let out the sob that's been threatening to escape. The tears that need to fall.
My heart aches as I relive losing my husband all over again.
It's not until Harry opens my door and pulls me into his arms that I'm able to let it all go. The pain, the memories, the love we shared. I've been holding on to all of it for five years, afraid to move on, to let anyone else in.
That ends today.
On the anniversary of his death.
For better or for worse, I will always love Kevin. I will always cherish the memories we made together.
But I'm also going to live the way he would have wanted me to. Life to the fullest. I'm going to move on and find happiness because if he could see me right now, he would shake his head in disappointment.
I haven't been living, I've been surviving. And honestly, I haven't been doing very well at that either.
Day to day.
Moment to moment.
It's all I've known for years, but that ended the second my eyes connected with Zane's. I was looking ahead of me instead of behind. I was excited about life instead of dreading the nightmares and memories.
Most importantly, I stopped pointing the finger away. My eyes were opened to what life was all about again. The people who were important.
"Are you sure you're ready for this?" Harry asks as my shaking subsides.
"No, but if I'm ever going to move on, I have to."
Pulling back and holding me at arm’s length, Harry nods and heads to his car. I stare up at the house one last time and take it all in. This house was everything we ever wanted or needed in life. It's small and cozy and always felt like home.
Harry clears his throat, but I don't turn in his direction, I only nod my head once. The hammer sounds seconds later and, before I know it, goes silent again. Sucking in a deep breath, I let it out slowly as I turn.
For Sale.
It's finally real.
All of it.
And it actually doesn't hurt as much as I thought it would. The worst is yet to come, though.
Chapter Twenty-One
Flowers. He hated them, but I brought some from the garden at the house anyway. He never understood why I spent so much time planting and gardening when they all died at the end of the season.
Kevin was the only person I've ever told about my family. The verbal abuse from my parents. Their habitual drug and alcohol abuse. The shitty condition our house was always in. How I used to steal money from them so I could buy food and clothes. School supplies. Basic necessities.
To me, planting flowers was therapeutic. It brought beauty into the world, even if only for a short time. My life before Kevin was ugly. Even after I left my parents’ home. It was hard. I struggled more often than not, but I'm a fighter. I always have been.
For the most part, I fought alone.
Until Kevin. Until the fateful night I met a man who was not only willing to fight for me but for his country. The night I met him, I fell in love instantly. The way he made me feel scared me to death, and I tried to fight against those feelings like I was fighting against everything else in my life, but the pull was too powerful.
I never realized how amazing it felt to be loved. To feel worthy of love.
Kevin made my life beautiful and worth living. He was the reason I got up in the morning. He was the light in the darkness that had overshadowed everything and everyone that came before him.
Then he was gone. My flowers died when the season changed. Life went on, but there was no light. Darkness surrounded me, invaded my thoughts, and attempted to ruin my life once again.
Depression is a bitch. One I hope I never have to encounter again. But I kicked the bitch’s ass, or so I thought. What I really did was run away and pretend things were okay. Then, without even realizing it, things were. I created a new life for myself. One that wasn't filled with darkness and despair.
It wasn't real, though. It was everything I wanted it to be, yet I was still alone. I was still ignoring the nagging truth. My past was kept locked in a tiny box, hidden in the back of the closet, where no one could find it. It was unresolved and I knew it, but today of all days, I'm going to finally open that box, face my past head on, and then pick myself up and move forward.
"Hey, baby," I start as I situate the flowers in front of his gravestone. "It's been a while. Too long."
That's an understatement. I've been here once, shortly after he passed.
"I know you've been watching over me, I can feel your presence sometimes. I'm not proud of what you've seen. I'm not proud of the person I've become most days, but I'm working on changing that. I want to be better than I have been. I want to be the person you fell in love with all those years ago. Strong. Independent. Caring. Happy. That's what I really want. I want to be happy again. Not only with who I am but with the choices I make. And I think I'm doing better lately."
I pause, not sure how to transition to what comes next. The real reason I'm here. The part where I break his heart, if it was still beating, that is.
"It's been five years since you left me. That's a long time to be lonely. A long time to dream about you and mourn your loss. I'm sorry it's taken me this long to accept the facts, but to be honest, I wasn't ready to let you go yet. I didn't want this to be real.
"That first month, I would stare at the phone and pray it would ring, that your sexy voice would be on the other end of the line. All I wanted was to hear your voice one more time. For you to call me sunshine or sugar one more time. To feel your arms wrapped around me. To stare into your deep brown eyes and see all the love you had for me. Living here, with all the looks of pity, the whispers about your death, it was too much. I was surrounded by things that reminded me of you, memories we made together, and I was going crazy.”
An old man in the distance catches my attention. He’s standing over a grave just like me. I watch him for a minute, and when he falls to his knees and wraps his arms around the stone, I almost lose my shit.
Shaking my head and looking to the sky in an attempt to pull myself together, I kneel in front of Kevin’s headstone and continue.
"I ran. I'm sure you could have predicted that. It was my MO before I met you. If something was too hard, I'd pick up and run. If I hadn't been like that, I never would have met you, though. It was the best decision I ever made, to run that day. I ran right into you and never wanted to leave. You made me feel safe and loved, both things I needed.
"This time, I didn't want to feel safe or loved. I wanted to blend in, to disappear in the crowd. I did, and it worked. I got a job I enjoyed, made a few friends, and enjoyed the fact that no one knew about my past. I kept it hidden from them. I didn't want to see the pity in their eyes if I told them about you. I didn't want people talking about me or us or what happened. The memory of that night was too real. It still is some days.”
Pausing as I remember that night, images flashing through my mind of the hours after the police left my front porch, I trace the letters on his gravestone with my fingers.
Kevin Michael Parker
"I figured if I pointed the finger in the other direction and was standoffish to most people, they wouldn’t talk about me. I spread awful, hateful rumors about people I care about. All to make sure no one was looking in my direction. I regret it and can see how stupid it was now. Thankfully my friends are amazing people and have forgiven me.
"I wish they could have known you. You would have gotten along with everyone so well. The guys would have you laughing, and the girls would make you roll your eyes. You know, that signature eye roll you have when something is stupid but funny and you don't want to admit it. There's one person you would have liked especially and probably been best friends with. His name is Zane."
Here we go. My big confession.
"He's kind and sweet and
cares a lot about me. He treats me like a princess, even when I don't deserve it. He keeps me safe and makes me feel loved. And I love him. Not the way I loved you, and not with that part of my heart, but I do love him. My heartbeat quickens when he walks in the room or even when he calls.
"I’m sure this is hard to hear. Honestly, it's hard to admit. Not to myself, but to you. I've come to terms with the fact that I've fallen in love with a man that's not my husband. Trust me, it wasn't easy at first. I wanted to fight it, just like I wanted to fight against loving you at first. But then I told him about you, and he looked at me with pride in his eyes. He was proud of how strong I was after everything that happened.
"I've been talking about you a lot lately, actually. I've opened the box to my past, and I'm starting to get a handle on reality. You're gone, Kevin. It's hard to say, but it's the truth. I've held on to you, to your memory, for the last five years. Not in hopes that you'll come back to me but because I was afraid to let you go. I still am, but I've also learned that I can let you go and not forget you. All the memories we made, the moments we shared, the love we had for each other... all of that is right here in my heart. It's not going anywhere."
Clearing my throat, I take a moment to compose myself and wipe away the tears that have started to fall. Thinking about Kevin has never been easy. Talking about him, even now, is hard. Talking to him... he was my husband. This should feel natural, and a part of it does, but at the same time, this may be the hardest thing I've ever done.
"I'm selling the house," I blurt out, hanging my head in shame. "Your father thinks it's time. He's been keeping it up for the last few years while I've been hiding out. I'm also going to sell your truck. It's been sitting in the garage since that night. And while I'm leaving town again and going back home, I want you to know that I still love you. I always will, but it's time for me to move on with my life. I've been living day by day, surviving the best I can since you left me. I want to look forward, toward my future, not live in the past anymore. I want to do more than survive; I want to thrive. The only way I can do that is if I have closure.
"I guess what I'm saying is I'm closing the book on our story. I'll never forget you; I'll always miss you and love you, but it's time for me to write another story."
Standing, I reach into my purse and pull out my wedding ring. I always keep it on me, hidden in a little pocket on the inside. It's the only piece of jewelry Kevin ever gave me.
"Your ring is something I'll always hold on to. No matter what happens in my life, this is a symbol of the love we shared for each other. Of the promise we made to take care of each other, to love one another until death parted us. You may not be here, walking the earth anymore, but my love for you knows no bounds. I will love you until the day I die and we're reunited. Nothing will ever change that. I love you, baby."
Even after I'm done, all my sins confessed, I can't bring myself to walk away from his grave. So I stand there, staring down at the lettering on his headstone. I think about what our life would be like right now had he not been killed that night. Had he walked through the front door, swept me off my feet like he always did, and carried me to bed.
Would we still be married?
Would there be children in the picture now? He always wanted two, a boy and a girl.
There are so many possibilities. We were robbed of our future together, I truly believe that. Yet, no matter how much I dream about what could have been, I'm stuck with what actually is.
Honestly, it's not a bad place to be right now.
I'm happy. In love. Cared for. I have an amazing group of friends. A job I love and enjoy.
Life is good.
My future is bright.
Blowing Kevin a kiss, I finally turn to walk away. My heart feels lighter than it has in years. All the pain and sorrow of losing him is fading. I'll always miss my husband; I'll always want him to hold me one last time, but accepting what happened, dealing with reality, as hard as I knew it would be, has healed me in a way.
"What's he say?" Harry jokes when I reach the car.
He was kind enough to drive me over in case I wasn't able to drive myself back home. At least, that's what he said. I think he was concerned I’d actually make it here if someone didn't bring me.
"Funny," I reply dryly as I slide in the passenger seat.
"Too soon?"
He's full of jokes today.
"Don't you ever get tired of making everything a joke?"
"Not really. Life is too hard. People take everything so seriously. I just try and lighten the mood. Judging by the smile on your face, it's working."
He's right. I am smiling. Not at his corny jokes, though. I'm smiling because it's a beautiful day. Because I just talked to my husband, and now I feel his presence. I'm smiling because, right now, as I sit in the front seat of Harry's car, listening to him joke about anything and everything as we head back to the house I once shared with his son, I can feel Kevin's arms wrapped around me.
Then, as we turn into the driveway and the feeling of his arms fade, I swear I hear him whisper that he loves me, that he'll always love me.
A single tear falls, but my smile remains.
This chapter of my life is officially over, and Kevin is the one who closed the book on us.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Monday morning. Usually, it's my least favorite day of the week. Today, I'm looking forward to going back to work. To getting back into my routine. Not to mention, now that I've dealt with my past, every day seems like I'm one step closer to my future.
As I walk off the elevator and Helen greets me with a smile, I'm feeling good. I'm pumped. Excited to see my friends and co-workers. Excited for...
Who the hell is sitting at my desk?
The better question is why.
And where is my picture that hangs on the wall? Why is she typing away on my computer?
Am I lost?
In an alternate universe?
Did they replace me and forget to tell me?
"Allison," I hear Hunter call. "Welcome back."
Turning toward the sound of his voice, I find Hunter leaning against his office door, a smile on his face.
"Come talk to me really quick, will you?"
This is bad. I am fired. Maybe they didn't forgive me for the rumors. Was it all an act? Were they just feeling sorry for me when I was in the hospital? I mean, Hunter did agree to give me all of last week off when Zane asked. It didn't even sound like he had to twist his arm or anything.
I guess I'll pack up and move to Miami. That'll solve the distance issue Zane and I were talking about. I know he's willing to move up here, but it doesn't sound like that will be necessary. Maybe I can be his secretary. I can take over for his mom.
"Have a seat," he suggests after I slide past him so he can close his door.
My mouth pops open to object, to ask about the brunette who's currently in my chair, but I close it just as quickly and plop down in front of his desk, the cushion letting out a whoosh of air.
"You look nice this morning. Refreshed. How are you feeling?" he asks, positioning himself on the edge of his desk instead of behind it.
"Good. Ready to get back to work," I state, attempting to sound strong and sure and not the least bit concerned about what I saw before being pulled into his office.
"I'm happy to hear that," he starts, moving to take a seat behind his desk. "There's been a lot happening around here the last few weeks. We're all excited to have you back. You're an integral part of the team, and you've been missed."
"Really?" I say, unable to erase the doubt I'm feeling from my voice before speaking.
"Of course. Let's get you caught up and then I'll introduce you to Sara."
Sara? I'm assuming she's the one currently occupying my desk. Before I can ask for clarification, Hunter continues. The look on his face tells me he did it on purpose. He took away my chance to ask who she was.
"Let's start with your accident. That afternoon, shortly after you left
, Vinnie got a call from one of our clients, offering him a position at their firm. They wanted him to handle a special project for them. Since his background is in international marketing, they tried to recruit him out from under us. Of course, we didn't want that to happen, but instead of dropping the client, we made a strategic move instead. Vinnie is now head of the national division of Dixon Advertising. He'll be handling any type of marketing, advertising, or promotion that is more than an hour outside the city."
Why didn't Megan tell me this? Have I really been that lost in my own world lately?
"Obviously that left a hole here in the office we needed to fill. Tyler and Ryder didn't want to transition over into market research, so we decided to promote from within instead. When we all sat down, there was only one person we thought could handle the promotion. One person who knew that division better than anyone else and that's who we chose.
"The first change you'll notice is that Ryder is now in Vinnie's office. Vinnie is going to be traveling more, so he'll be mainly working from home or the road. When he is here, he'll be at the other end of the hall across from Emerson and Justine. It's a small space but since he won't be meeting with clients, it's all he'll need. As far as assistants go, Macie is sticking with Tyler, Kimmie is going to be Ryder's new assistant, and Sara is going to be yours."
When Hunter stops talking abruptly, I look over my shoulder, expecting to see someone has walked in his office. Why did he stop? I'm was keeping up just fine with all the changes. Nothing is really that different except—
"What?"
Did he just say what I think he said? That can't be right. I've been gone for a little over two weeks, and when I come back, I'm promoted and have my own office and an assistant.
"Sara is your new assistant. I think you'll like her. Kimmie's been working with her the last week or so getting her caught up on everything you need from her on a daily basis. She fits in nicely, and she's driven, a lot like you when you first started here."
Pressing a button on his phone, Helen's voice comes on the line.
Rumors: Allison & Zane Page 14
