Goddamned Freaky Monsters (The Tome of Bill Book 5)

by Rick Gualtieri

  “This is the Freewill? Hah! He looks nothing like the magnificent beast your men captured.”

  Magnificent beast? I would’ve replied to that, but my windpipe was currently being crushed...although considering my assailant’s appearance, I might’ve categorized it more as autoerotic asphyxiation.

  “Go right ahead and see for yourself, though I would caution you to release him before doing so. He is more than your equal should you anger him.”

  Well, that was a load of bullshit if ever I’d heard one. Right then, my best defense would have consisted of wheezing and passing out.

  To my amazement, though, the angry hottie lowered me to the floor and let up on the pressure ever so slightly. “Very well, Alexander.”

  She turned to face me, eyes becoming as black as her dress. “ON YOUR KNEES!! LAP THE BOTTOM OF MY BOOT CLEAN LIKE THE DOG YOU ARE!!”

  The compulsion felt like a good solid kick to the head. My eyes rolled back for a moment from the force of it. Whoever this chick might be, she wasn’t anyone to mess with.

  Even so, the most powerful of compulsions might be able to knock me on my ass, but they still did shit in the way of making me obey.

  I meant to say something moderately respectful with regards to her inability to control me, but at the last second opted to be a bit more direct.

  “Fuck you, Cinderella.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  Impressed or not by my ability to resist her, Theodora hadn’t been particularly keen on my sass. She flung me across the chamber like a human Frisbee and I slammed into the far wall hard enough to mar its polished sheen.

  Laughter echoed through the room. At first, I thought it might be the blind assholes, but they were still busy sitting around their campfire circle. Theodora’s companion had been the one laughing. Glad to know I could be so entertaining.

  “I believe you have made a grim mistake, dear Thea,” Alex remarked, backing up a step.

  What the fuck? He knew I was no match for her.

  But maybe she didn’t.

  Trying my best to conceal just how rubbery my legs were, I stood up and casually dusted myself off. My eyes darkened and I extended my fangs, hoping that they hadn’t been knocked out by the impact.

  “My turn, bitch.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  It was all a bluff. Thankfully, it was one that didn’t give me cause to embarrass myself. Turns out, I didn’t have to do anything but stand there menacingly.

  The look on Theodora’s face changed ever so slightly and her eyes opened just a wee bit wider. It wasn’t quite the look of fearful shock I might’ve hoped for, but if she was as old as her power suggested, then it was probably the equivalent of pissing herself and then shivering in the corner like a little rat dog.

  The problem with some dogs, though, is that when they’re cornered, they’ll turn and bite.

  Fortunately, I didn’t have to find out if that was the case. Alex stepped between us and held up his hand. “Peace, Freewill. Know that though they have angered you, Theodora and Yehoshua are both of the First and worthy of your respect. They are one with the hands that guide you.”

  I had no idea what the fuck he meant, aside from the revelation that the bitch who’d choked me out and her laughing hyena of a boyfriend were both members of the Draculas - aka the First Coven. That was enough for me to stop and consider. I’d sooner tangle with an angry Sasquatch than any of that bunch, especially since they were well known for their mercy - as in lack thereof. On paper, I might be important to Alex’s cause, but that didn’t mean any of them wouldn’t put their egos first and shit-stomp me into my component parts.

  Trying my best to play it tough, while still waiting for my bruises to heal, I put my hands in my pockets and said, “It’s cool.” Yeah, I know. It’s amazing they didn’t all drop to their knees and proclaim me king right there.

  The ensuing silence stretched out a bit too long for my comfort, prompting me to tempt fate once more. “So, assuming nobody else is going to freak out, what were these guys doing?”

  “The oracles see clearest when their eyes are blackened,” Laughing Boy replied in accented English.

  “As elder vampires,” Alex explained, noticing my flummoxed look, “the seers’ abilities to heal are unmatched by most. Thus, once every hour, they ensure their visions will not be compromised. It is their sacrifice for us all, their sacred act of devotion to me.”

  “Us,” Theodora said.

  “Of course,” he replied smarmily. “Their loyalty lies with the entirety of the First.” One could practically hear the “fuck you” in his tone. Trouble in paradise, perhaps? “But do tell, dear Thea, why are you and Yehoshua here?”

  “The same reason as you, Alexander. To seek wisdom. The northern offensive begins in a fortnight. If indeed we are to secure a foothold deep within the Siberian Taiga, we must secure every advantage at our disposal - as I’m sure you realize.”

  “Of course.” His response was covered in frost. What, did this chick give him a case of the blue balls a thousand years ago or something?

  “And you, Alexander?” Yeho...whatever the fuck his name was...asked. “What wisdom do you seek?”

  “Wisdom requiring the discretion of the seers.”

  “The First hold no secrets from one-another,” Theodora said. “Or is that yet another edict which you have chosen to ignore?”

  “Your tone wounds me, dear sister. Alas, this is a personal matter. The Freewill seeks direction as the end times near. He requested that only I be present so as to help him interpret the guidance provided him.”

  I did?

  Thea and Yahoo’s eyes narrowed. They no doubt smelled a rat, and were smart to. By Alex’s own admission, however long ago in Northern Canada - the site of the war’s beginnings - he wasn’t averse to going against the other members of the Draculas. Personally, I had little doubt he’d gladly fuck them all up the ass with a wooden stake if it meant getting what he wanted.

  “Is this true, Freewill?” Thea directed to me. “No offense to you, Lord Alexander.”

  “I take no offense from my honored fellows,” he replied evenly before half turning to face me, his brown eye meeting both of mine. “Answer true to their question if you will, Freewill.”

  Although part of me wanted to scream out what a filthy fucking liar he was, I considered that potentially unwise. He’d already proven his capability to fuck up my day with no effort. It was also evident that he was the leader of the Draculas. That meant that as strong as Thea and her friend were, they might not be enough to take him down. Hell, there was no reason to expect them to even try. They might just shrug and walk away, leaving me to get several new assholes torn. Vampires can be dicks that way.

  Fuck it. Sometimes the right thing to do is also the most stupid. “Yep, that’s why we’re here. Hoping I can pick up some strategy, maybe a few lottery numbers, too. That sort of thing.”

  Alex sighed heavily, indicating that perhaps I’d gone a bit overboard with my answer. Oh well, I blame it on corporate America. If my time spent working for the middle management of Hopskotchgames had taught me anything, it was never say with one word what you could with a thousand.

  “There you have it,” Alex said brusquely. “Now, if your own business is concluded, I would ask you to give our guest his time with the seers.”

  The two other Draculas shared a quick glance before heading toward the door. Thea stopped long enough to fix me with a glare, then she turned to Alex. “He is still too insolent for my tastes.”

  Despite her comment practically begging for a response, I somehow managed to keep my mouth shut as they left. Their footsteps echoed for several seconds before fading away, leaving us in silence.

  Standing there in the smoky gloom, the world I remembered might as well have been a million miles away. I wasn’t sure what would happen next in the chamber of blind psychos, but I had a bad feeling it wasn’t going to be fun.

  While You Were Sleeping...

  Yeah, it d
efinitely wasn’t fun. Boring was more like it.

  Alex pulled the head seer up from where he sat and dragged him off to a corner, where they conversed in hushed whispers. To add insult to injury, they did so in yet another language I couldn’t understand.

  The fuck? When I got home, the first thing I was gonna do was invest in a phone with a good battery and Google Translate loaded on it. Either that or hit up Sally for the funds to hire my own translator fluent in ancient Hittite or whatever the fuck they were blathering.

  Speaking of Sally, I needed to get back to her. She wasn’t that much older than me, yet somehow, she always seemed to have a clue as to what was going on. She’d be able to tell me what had happened and how long I’d been gone for. I mean, sure, a calendar could also do that last job, but I didn’t know of any that had as sweet of an ass to look at.

  At the very least, I needed to get back to people I could trust. That certainly didn’t include my present company.

  I resolved to pay better attention...at least until I was home and could go back to vegging in front of Eve Online.

  Eventually, that gong sounded again and the old seer disengaged from Alex, mid-sentence from the looks of it. He returned to his buddies so they could all make sure they were masters at Blind-man’s Bluff.

  This time, I made it a point to zip it as they proceeded to cauterize their eye-sockets. Goddamn, what a bunch of weirdos. Once they were finished, Alex stepped over and directed me back toward the chamber door.

  “That was most disturbing,” he said as we left, once more stepping into the thick smoke of the hallway.

  “You’re telling me. I’m sorry, but you couldn’t pay me enough to sit there all day poking out my eyes, no matter how stoned that burning shit got me.”

  “You should speak not of that which you do not understand. The elder seers are a priceless treasure to our people. They see much, and their honor dictates they keep the secrets they are told, even from others of my circle.”

  “And what secret are they keeping, if I may be so bold to ask?”

  “That is an interesting choice of words, Freewill. Outside of the First, you are indeed perhaps the boldest of our kind I have met in some time, at least in your speech.”

  I opted for silence rather than acknowledging the dig. Besides, I had no interest in being the bravest of them all. Leave that shit to the heroes. I just wanted to get back to my life, my friends, and...

  The thought trailed off. I’m sure I meant to add Sheila to that list, but a memory stirred within me again, reminding me that there were pieces of the puzzle that I was still missing...potentially dark pieces.

  “The seers are at a loss to explain what has happened to you, other than to confirm your claims.”

  “You mean that I can’t go all murderous demon-beast?”

  “Precisely. It is unprecedented in our history. None of the Freewills of days past were ever known to have suffered from...”

  “The Mr. Hyde equivalent of erectile dysfunction?” I silently thanked fate that my roommates weren’t present to hear that.

  “This is no laughing matter.” He quickened his pace down the long subterranean hallway.

  “Did they say anything else?”

  “Nothing that made any sense...” His tone seemed to waver a bit, but he quickly covered it up. “That is not uncommon, though. The mists of time are not always clear. What matters most at the moment is that all of my efforts to hone you to a fine edge may be in jeopardy.”

  “Does that have anything to do with me waking up to find you standing there naked?”

  He merely chuckled in response - which was highly preferable to putting me through a wall. “Know that I have never once in over two millennia shied away from testing my own mettle, Freewill - not against you, and not against others of your kind.”

  “Um, okay. So that whole honing me to a sharp edge thing...”

  “Yes?”

  “Well, what’s been going on? How did I get here? When did I get here?”

  “You really do not remember much when you are in that state?”

  “Not a thing.”

  “Very well.” He continued to retrace our steps through the bowels of wherever we were. Various vamps along the way snapped to attention as we passed, but he paid them not the slightest heed. “I suppose it would not hurt to tell you. You were tracked to the marshes south of your coven some three months ago.”

  “Three months?”

  “Yes.”

  “Oh, I am so fired.”

  “Excuse me?”

  “Uh, never mind.” It’s not like my paycheck meant a whole lot in this hell of endless catacombs. “Marshes...do you mean close to the Meadowlands?”

  “I believe that is what they call the arenas there, yes.”

  “So how did you find me?”

  “Remington, of course.”

  Colin had sent that douchebag to assist in tracking down and killing Sheila. I specifically remembered him being a massive dick, more or less trying to take charge the second he walked in. Then there was that fight up in Westchester where Gan had made her sudden, and unwanted, reappearance. I had a vague memory of a battle atop a building too, but its conclusion was all fuzzy in my mind. Judging by Alex’s remarks, though, I was forced to assume I had lost that one. “So he found me?”

  “Remington is dead. He and his men were slain by the Icon, or so we were told.”

  Way to go, Sheila!

  “A pity,” I lied.

  “Indeed. He would have potentially been a great asset to our war effort.”

  “So then how does he play into my being found?”

  “His blood, of course.”

  My reply to that was to stare at him in utter confusion.

  “Before going out into the field, it is standard protocol for strike teams such as his to consume a radioactive isotope. It allows them to be tracked in case their retrieval becomes necessary.”

  Interesting and far more high-tech than I expected. For all of their traditional bullshit, I needed to remember that there were some parts of the vampire nation that were up to snuff with technology.

  Alex grinned smugly as he spoke. “My fellows were at a loss as to how to track you. Our intelligence suggested that even your scent had changed along with your physical appearance. I, however, was willing to make the assumption that perhaps some of his team’s blood had made its way to your person.”

  Uh oh. Sally and I had worked against Remington from the very start. We had operated under the assumption that his ego wouldn’t allow him to call in backup. It had seemed a safe bet - assuming we were able to kill each and every one of his team. From the sound of things, we’d succeeded, but apparently Alex had been smart enough to consider that some underhanded shit might have gone down.

  “How so?” I stammered, losing yet another opportunity to play it cool.

  “Considering the Icon’s power, I would think it logical to assume you would have partaken of their blood to increase your own strength in the conflict.”

  “Oh...okay. I mean, yeah, that’s what happened.”

  He glanced at me sidelong with his mismatched eyes. “As I had surmised, the isotope signature led my recovery team straight to your location - as it did the second and third teams sent to secure you.”

  “Second and Third teams?”

  “Your alternate appearance can be marvelously uncooperative.”

  Translation: I fucked them up. Maybe I needed to cut Dr. Death a little slack after all.

  “Finally, you were sedated and I had you secretly airlifted back here. We’ve been training you ever since.”

  “Training?”

  “A constantly changing regimen designed to add a modicum of discipline. If you are to lead our forces in the coming conflict, it will be a necessity to have control.”

  “And how successful were you?”

  “Needless to say, that is another aspect where you are unique compared to...”

  Another vamp rounded a corner
and raced up to us. “Lord Alexander, sir!” He skidded to a halt and stood at attention. Although the newcomer’s face was unreadable, annoyance clearly shown on Alex’s.

  “And your reason for disturbing me?”

  “You wished to be informed once Druaga had returned.”

  Alex’s expression softened to one of neutrality again. I guessed that the underling’s excuse was good enough to let him live to see another night. “I am afraid we shall have to cut our tour short, Freewill. Druaga will be expecting a demonstration of your powers.”

  “But, I can’t...”

  “Oh yes, you can.” His odd eyes twinkled as he spoke and he laid a hand on my shoulder. “Trust me. I always plan for contingencies.”

  That’s what I was afraid of.

  Escape from Alcatraz

  Alex descended a hidden stairwell - one that I made a note to remember. Sadly, our destination was my holding cell. Rampaging monster or not, it seemed I was still expected to call this place home.

  Of course, that was assuming there was still a me left after whatever demonstration he had planned.

  Two vampire guards waited outside the open door of my rocky prison. One breathed a noticeable sigh of relief once we were in sight. They must’ve been unlucky enough to have been assigned as Druaga’s minders. One could only imagine what they’d be forced to do if he demanded a night out on the town.

  Waiting just inside, impatiently tapping several claws on a rocky outcropping, stood Druaga’s monstrous form - looking even uglier than before, if that was possible.

  You were not here when I returned. Why is this?

  “I needed to be taken for a walk and a belly rub,” I replied without thinking. Goddamnit, I really needed to stop doing that.

  Druaga cocked his head to the side, momentarily looking ridiculously idiotic for a reptilian demon-god.

  “Our apologies, mighty one,” Alex said, stepping in. “These are trying times, requiring my attention. No offense was intended.”

  “Uh yeah, what he said,” I added.

  Alex guided me past Godzuki and then we turned to face him.

  So be it. You will now proceed to show me the Freewill’s power.