Goddamned Freaky Monsters (The Tome of Bill Book 5)

by Rick Gualtieri

  After a few seconds, I grew impatient. “Well?”

  In response, he shoved my friend off the desk, drew a silvered dagger from his hip, and raised it over his head. Shit!

  I grabbed his wrist with both hands, despite knowing he probably possessed enough power to toss me across the room like a tennis ball. “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?”

  His face swiveled and, for just a moment, annoyance replaced his mask of calm. “He turns.”

  He said something else, but reverted to his native tongue for the rest - as if that was of any help. Since his arm hadn’t dropped, though, the meaning was clear enough for me. Fuck that. Before he could skewer my friend like a shish kabob, I slammed my fist into the side of his head. He barely moved from the impact. I probably hurt my ego far more than his body, but I had a lot more where that...

  “Bill, stop!”

  I looked over to find Starlight glaring at me. In the past, I’d never heard her say anything that sounded like an order to anyone. As my eyes met hers, I could see a quick flash of her old skittishness pass over her face, but she quickly composed herself and held my gaze. “He’s not going to kill your friend. He’s trying to help.”

  “That doesn’t look like helping to me. How do you know...”

  “That’s what he said.”

  I raised a questioning eyebrow.

  “I’ve been taking an online course in Mandarin,” she explained.

  “Well, okay, that makes sense then.” I sheepishly backed up a step. “Carry on.”

  She nodded toward Monkhbat. He gently placed Dave’s right hand palm down on the floor. I was skeptical that would do much, but what did I know about homeopathic therapies?

  He raised the dagger again and plunged it through my friend’s hand, pinning it to the floor better than any nail gun could.

  What in holy Hell? Maybe I didn’t have a doctorate in medicine, but I was pretty sure that wasn’t exactly going to help.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  Ed seemed to share my feelings as he threw caution to the wind and came running in to stand by my side.

  The vampire called John, apparently letting his hunger override the orders he’d been given, bared his fangs and took a step toward my roommate. Unfortunately for him, that brought him within my reach.

  I might be a piece of shit when it came to fighting vamps like Monkhbat, but John-boy was a different story entirely. Pity he’d caught me on a really bad day.

  I grabbed him by the tie and dragged him in, his eyes widening in surprise. I got little enough respect as it was from the vamps who knew me, but these newbs didn’t need to know that. Before my disappearance, Sally had done a good job making the others fear me enough to keep their distance. Since she wasn’t there, I figured it was up to me this time.

  Before John could so much as say, “shit,” I buried my fangs into his neck. A collective gasp of surprise went through the crowd as I tore the fucker a new blowhole.

  There wasn’t much point in taking a long drink. I hardly felt the asshole’s blood hitting my system. Yep, like I’d guessed, he was barely out of diapers as far as the vampire world was concerned.

  I took one more pull, more for show than anything else - inwardly enjoying his feeble struggles against my attack. I pulled back and gave him a shove, his power added to my own, giving it just enough extra oomph to look impressive.

  He landed on his ass - the others making a hole as if afraid to touch him - then quickly scooted back, fear showing on his face. It was about fucking time.

  “Anyone else?” It was more warning than question.

  The only ones in the room who weren’t wearing an “Oh shit!” face were my roommate, Monkhbat, and Starlight. This was all old hat for them. Oh yeah, and Dave wasn’t doing much other than lying there with a freaking knife sticking out of his hand.

  I turned to Starlight, seeing as how she’d been referred to as coven master. I had a lot of questions about that, but for now, I had more immediate concerns. “So do you want to tell me exactly how that helps?” I pointed accusingly toward the pig-sticker currently bisecting my friend’s hand. I felt bad doing so, seeing her flinch slightly. She was a gentle soul - odd for a vampire. I would have never considered her cut out for leadership, but then again, I wouldn’t have thought that for myself either. Fate had a way of taking a look at our expectations and wiping its ass with them.

  “He turns,” Monkhbat repeated, rising from Dave’s side. Again, he lapsed into his native tongue.

  Starlight listened for a moment, asked one or two stilted questions back - guess that language course was still a work in progress - then turned toward me. “I think what he’s trying to say is that your friend is going to turn regardless. I’m so sorry, Bill.”

  I felt my roommate’s hand fall supportively upon my shoulder. It wasn’t a real surprise to hear those words - I had suspected as much when I’d given Dave my own once-over - but they still sucked balls nevertheless.

  “And the dagger?” Ed helpfully reminded.

  Most vamps would have either ignored or just outright killed him for daring to speak in their presence. Starlight wasn’t most vampires, though. “It’s to take his mind off the hunger.”

  “I think I get it.”

  “You do?” I asked, turning toward Ed. “Care to explain it to me?”

  “Remember Mrs. Caven?”

  I nodded. How could I forget? Jeff, the vampire who’d turned me, had kidnapped and bitten her as well - stupidly thinking she was my mother. She’d woken up as little more than a feral monster and attacked us without hesitation.

  “Well, I’m thinking this is to prevent him from waking up like that. A dagger sticking through his hand is probably going to be pretty hard to ignore. It’ll distract him from going on a rampage for blood.” He inclined his head toward Starlight. “That sound about right?”

  “In a nutshell,” she replied. “You’re Bill’s roommate, right?”

  He nodded. “Yep, I’m Ed.”

  “Sally mentioned you.”

  “She did?”

  Oh, Jesus. We were about to devolve into a high school cafeteria here.

  Fortunately, Monkhbat didn’t seem to know about that pitfall. He stood up before Ed could ask what Sally had said about him - probably something derogatory yet flattering at the same time - and gave the air around my roomie a sniff.

  “You smell wrong,” he stated flatly in broken English.

  “Well, yeah,” I replied. “We’ve both just spent the past hour refamiliarizing ourselves with the finer aspects of the Manhattan sewer system.”

  “No,” he said more forcefully. “He smells wrong.”

  I had no desire to bring a group of vamps, only one of whom I even remotely trusted, into the loop on what had happened when Grandpa Walton had sunk his fangs into Ed. I didn’t know what the fuck was going on with him, but we could discuss that further at a time when we weren’t in a position to cause a panic amongst a horde of undead monsters. “Sorry, man,” I said to Ed, “but we all wished you used Dial.”

  A chuckle rippled amongst the assembled and broke the tension for the moment. The good thing about newbs was that they were all up on their pop culture references. I could dig that.

  The show over for the time being, Starlight once more took charge - resuming what I assumed we’d interrupted, closing down shop for the day. That was good. It would thin out the ranks and allow us to talk.

  More importantly, though, it would allow us to wait. I wasn’t sure exactly how long it would take, but in a few short hours, I’d be trying to explain things to one very pissed off formerly human doctor who held the fate of my favorite character in his hands.

  Not surprisingly, I found myself wondering if it was too late to catch a plane back to Switzerland.

  Chick Fight

  After the minions had wrapped things up, Starlight dismissed them for the day. Considering the sun had risen, I figured they’d most likely take the same route we’d used - the sewers - to
go back to wherever they’d be sacking out. A few tried to stay behind, no doubt curious to see what was going on, but she shooed them away.

  Eventually, it was down to five of us: me, Star, Ed, Dave, Monkhbat, and Firebird. Following the coven’s exodus, an uncomfortable silence settled for a while. Starlight didn’t seem so pleased with Firebird’s presence for some reason. Maybe one had stolen the other’s eye shadow or something. Who knows? Personally, I was more worried about Monkhbat. He kept eyeing Ed, the look on his face unreadable.

  Any way you looked at it, this sure as shit wasn’t the homecoming I’d been expecting. How could things be so familiar yet so strange?

  There were plenty of questions on my mind. I wasn’t sure I’d like all the answers, but it definitely beat sitting around waiting for Dave to rise from his grave.

  “So, coven master Alice, is it?”

  I could have sworn Firebird’s eyes momentarily flashed at my mention of that, but it was only in my periphery - her other parts being far more interesting.

  “It was Sally’s suggestion,” Starlight replied. “She thought it sounded more intimidating.”

  “Well, every little bit helps,” Firebird snidely commented.

  “Don’t you have somewhere else to be, Betty?”

  “Betty?” I asked. Who the hell was...

  Firebird stood, her fur obviously ruffled. She pointed one painted fingernail at Starlight. “You don’t get to call me that.”

  To my surprise, Star didn’t back down. “I can call you whatever I so please. I’m in charge here.”

  “Only on paper. That whore may have handed control over to you, but if you think you’re my superior in any way, you’ve got another thing coming.”

  Well, this was interesting. I turned toward Ed and mouthed, “Chick fight.”

  His look indicated he’d been thinking the same thing.

  Don’t get me wrong, I still wanted some answers. Even so, I’d be hard pressed to turn down a good floor show. I mean, we had all day to shoot the shit. If these two wanted to have a knock-down, clothes-tearing brawl in the meantime, then who was I to step in?

  Alas, Monkhbat didn’t feel the same. Firebird took one step toward Starlight and he rose to his feet, the menace clear in his eyes. She immediately backed off. I’d never seen her get into a scrap before, and I doubted she wanted to start with a Mongolian assassin.

  Oh well, so much for that. “Okay, I’m gonna assume the whore in question is Sally. So is it safe to guess that your new position isn’t a result of some challenge?”

  “Of course not, Bill,” Starlight replied, her tone somewhat wounded. “I would never challenge Sally.”

  “Like a good little lapdog,” Firebird spat.

  “Like you would?” Star fired back. “I seem to recall her clawing the eyes out of your skull before she left.”

  Firebird’s fangs descended in response, but after a moment, she regained control. “It’s late and I’m tired. I’m going to the back for a quick shower and then heading to bed.” She turned toward me and inclined her head respectfully. “It is a pleasure to have you back, oh honored Freewill.”

  I was definitely digging the tone of her voice and found myself sorely tempted to ask if she needed any company. Hell, as coven master, I could just insis...oh wait. I wasn’t coven master anymore, was I?

  Oh well. I watched her slink out of the room before turning to Starlight and forcing myself to focus again. “So how did this all come about?”

  “After you disappeared, Sally had Boston declare her the acting master in your stead. I think James backed her up on that one, so it all happened pretty quickly. Then, a couple of weeks ago, she left on what I thought was just a trip - you know, something to clear her head. A few days later, she called to tell me she was staying. Turns out she’d somehow taken control of another coven...”

  “She did? Where?”

  “Pandora Coven in Las Vegas. I hear they run...”

  “Wait? Pandora? That wouldn’t be Pandora’s Box, the strip club, would it?”

  “You know about it?”

  Hell, yeah, I knew about it. Last time I’d been out there, enjoying a free trip with my parents while they lost a ton of money at the Luxor, one of the casino guards had told me about it - said it was a wild place. Unfortunately, it was also pretty exclusive. I couldn’t get in the goddamned door. Albeit, now that I knew it was a vampire den, maybe that wasn’t such a bad thing. Who the fuck knew what might have happened...well, aside from several naked strippers grinding their crotches in my face...

  “So, you’re telling me that Sally left to manage a strip club full of vampires?”

  “More or less.”

  I had to sit down, unsure whether to laugh or be pissed off. After all we’d been through, she’d just up and ditched Village Coven - right at the start of fucking Armageddon, too. On the other hand, there was something amusing about her reverting to type. I briefly wondered if she wasn’t both the manager and star attraction. After this shit with Dave was cleared up, maybe I owed it to myself to pay a visit there...with a pocket full of singles, of course.

  “The other coven was too far away for her to run both, so she had to give up control of this one. I was as surprised as anyone when she named me as the new master.” She lowered her voice to a bare whisper. “Especially since Firebird is older. According to the usual rules...”

  “Sally must have had her reasons.” The truth was she probably didn’t have many other choices. Of our former coven, only Starlight, Firebird, and Sally’s hairdresser Alfonso remained. Star at least had the advantage of knowing all the administrative aspects of how things were run. Speaking of the others, though... “Where’s Alfonso?”

  “Sally flew him out to be with her.”

  “Of course.”

  “But she left Monkhbat here with me. He’s been a godsend. None of the others want to mess with him.”

  She threw him a look of gratitude, to which he simply replied, “I humbly serve.”

  What the fuck was he doing here anyway? That was definitely my next order of business. I figured it wouldn’t hurt to be a little respectful first, though. “I’m sorry about your master.”

  He raised a brow quizzically. Maybe he didn’t understand what I was saying.

  I made it a point to speak slower. “I am sorry about what happened to Gansetseg.”

  When I still didn’t get any sense of comprehension out of him, I turned to Starlight. “Can you please tell him that I’m sorry that Gan got killed?”

  “Oh, Gan isn’t dead.”

  My eyeballs practically shot out of my skull at that revelation. “She isn’t?!”

  “No. She’s the one who left Monkhbat behind to help us rebuild.”

  Oh shit. Whatever guilt I’d felt over Gan’s death was immediately replaced with that basest of emotions...raw fucking fear. “You mean she’s fine?”

  “Yes.”

  “Is she here?”

  “No. She flew back to her home, but she left him to be her eyes and ears.”

  That didn’t quite ease the sensation of my skin crawling. I turned to Monkhbat and forced a friendly smile. “I don’t suppose you could keep my return a secret?”

  His response was to match my expression. “The princess will be pleased.”

  “Need any help reserving the reception hall?” Ed asked.

  “Bite me, asshole.”

  “I think she’ll be doing that soon enough.”

  I faced him, ready to say several rude things about his lineage, when a sharp intake of breath interrupted my train of thought.

  It hadn’t come from anyone partaking in the conversation. That meant only one thing.

  I looked down to see a pair of black eyes staring up at me. Newly grown fangs protruded from the mouth below them.

  Dave was awake.

  I’m Walking on Sunshine

  Dave looked around for a moment, confusion evident on his face, then he hissed at us all. There was no doubt he’d woken up
hungry. I worried for a moment that he might do something stupid, but then his expression changed as sparks flew from his skewered hand.

  “Holy fucking shit!”

  Being stabbed sucks. Trust me, I know. Being stabbed with silver sucks infinitely more when you’re a vampire. Something about it reacts badly with our blood, explosively so. It also tends to retard our healing. Thus, I felt safe bending down to wrench it from his hand. The wound would be hard for him to ignore for some time.

  I turned to Starlight, ready to bark out an order, but then remembered I was no longer in charge. Oddly enough, it felt pretty damned liberating to be relieved of command. “Star, do you think maybe I could get a towel and a few pints of blood?” My stomach rumbled, reminding me that my sampling of John had been the first real sustenance I’d gotten since returning to the states. I wasn’t sure what would happen if I got too hungry, but it was potentially a bad idea to try and find out. “Maybe a few extra for me as well?”

  Rather than tell me to go fuck myself as most vamps - Sally included - would probably do, she gave a quick nod and walked toward the back.

  “A few Band-Aids while you’re at it,” Ed yelled after her.

  “Goddamn, this hurts.”

  I turned back to where Dave sat, cradling his hand. The blood from the wound had stained his shirt, but at least it wasn’t combusting anymore.

  “Doctors make the worst patients,” I quipped, handing the dagger back to its owner.

  Dave’s eyes had returned to normal and recognition flashed in them at the sight of me. “What the hell is going on, Bill? I feel...”

  “Sorta off?”

  “That’s an understatement. Why am I here? And why is my hand bleeding like a stuck pig?”

  “Calm down.”

  “Don’t tell me to calm down. What you can do is get me something to clean this wound out with and then start explaining.”