Saddle Up

by A. M. Arthur

  Reyes glared, because Miles had pulled his trump card and knew it. He knew Reyes would never put his hands on Miles while he was angry or upset, like he was now, not even to gently push him away from the door. “If you really knew everything about me, you’d run away screaming.”

  “Try me.” But Miles had hesitated, and his eyes were uncertain, as if he believed Reyes’s statement deep down, but would never admit it.

  And while Reyes was angry enough to let the last of his truths fly, he wasn’t ready to lose Miles yet. Not yet. Not if he was about to lose Arthur, too. And not before Dallas was dealt with and no longer a threat. Maybe then he could risk pushing away the only person he’d ever truly loved.

  The only person who’d ever loved Reyes in return.

  And if the truth had to come out one day, Reyes would take what little time he had with Miles and treasure it. Make memories to cherish when he was alone again.

  Reyes opened his arms. Miles lurched forward and slammed into him, arms wrapping around Reyes’s shoulders in a fierce squeeze. Reyes tried to hold it back, but too many negative emotions were boiling inside of him, too many to stop or resist now that he had Miles close, so Reyes let it out.

  For the first time in his adult life, he sobbed out his anger, grief, frustration, and hatred in the arms of another man. Yes, he’d grieved for Geoff when he died, but not like this. He’d grieved his career as a firefighter, but not like this. He’d worried and fretted after Arthur’s first heart attack, but not like this. He’d raged against the abusive douchebag who’d hurt Miles, but not. Like. This.

  This was all-encompassing. This ripped out of Reyes’s chest like water from a fire hose—fast, harsh, and devastating to whatever it struck. But instead of it crushing him, Miles held him tighter. Kept him upright when Reyes wanted to fall. Held him together while the crash of emotions tried to break him into pieces.

  Miles gave back all the strength Reyes didn’t have, and he was still there when Reyes calmed. In some bizarre whirlwind of motion, they were out of their pants and in Reyes’s bed, turned so this time, Reyes was the little spoon. Accepting comfort, instead of giving it. Heads sharing a pillow, in his boyfriend’s arms, Reyes felt settled for the first time in weeks.

  “I’m terrified Arthur is going to die,” Reyes whispered in the silent room.

  “I know.” Miles threaded his fingers through Reyes’s hair in a soothing way. “No one wants to lose him.”

  “Especially Mack.”

  “Don’t diminish your feelings just because someone else is hurting worse. I used that to rationalize what Dallas did to me emotionally. The way he abused my trust. I’d tell myself it could have been worse, that he could have beaten me, too.”

  Reyes grunted. “Did he ever strike you?”

  “No. He never had to. Dallas knew how to use words as weapons. How to say exactly the right thing to make me fall at his feet. Do what he wanted. You know what I love about you, Reyes? You tell the truth, and I have never once felt manipulated by you. Not even tonight when you tried to push me away.”

  “I’m sorry I did that. Thank you for not letting me.”

  Miles kissed the back of his neck. “I’m tired of running from problems. And I meant what I said before, about partners dealing with these things together. Promise you won’t push me away again.”

  “I promise I’ll try.”

  “Close enough for now.”

  Reyes sighed, then drew Miles’s hand up to kiss the knuckles. “I was just so angry. Angry about Arthur, about Dallas, and then my horse went missing. It was too much, and I never want to risk taking my temper out on you.”

  “I can handle you getting upset.”

  “Not just that.” Reyes twisted around so they were facing each other, holding each other tight. “I told you I was in a gang once, for several years, and everything about that choice was fueled by anger. Anger at being poor, at being spit on by white folk for being brown, for not having the cool clothes, or the hottest new Walkman. I let that anger fester, until it found an outlet in the gang.

  “We were hot shit. Stealing, fencing, moving drugs, everything we could to make money. To buy status in the neighborhood. And even though my family could have eaten like kings and shopped in the mall instead of thrift stores, they wouldn’t take my money. They were ashamed of the choices I made. I was a disappointment, and I only got angrier. Then it all reached a head, and I got out.”

  A kid died because of something we did to him, and I’ve never forgiven myself for that.

  Miles studied him with sad eyes. “That’s why you don’t speak to your family.”

  “Yes. Even though I changed back then, and I’ve changed now... I’ve disappointed them enough. And I honestly don’t think they’d understand this. Us.”

  “You loving a man?”

  Reyes nodded. His family was all Catholic, and he had no illusions they’d embrace him and Miles with open arms. Why put them through that kind of rejection and pain? “That old life is gone, swept away by time. My family is here. Now.”

  “You know I understand that completely.”

  “I do.” Reyes kissed Miles on the lips, then rubbed at his own eyes. “Ugh, why do emotional meltdowns always feel like a hangover?”

  “No idea, but I feel you. Want to call it an early night?”

  “Yeah, I’d like that.” He loved the idea of simply lying there, existing with Miles in his bed, his life, and his heart. “I love you, Miles.”

  “I love you, too, you stubborn, stubborn man.”

  Reyes basked in that love, certain that one day soon, as inevitable as the changing tide, Miles’s love would turn to fear.

  Please, God, just a little while longer. Please.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Reyes didn’t ask questions the next morning when Miles said he was driving into San Francisco with a friend, not even which friend. It probably wasn’t Wes, because he was still at the hospital with Mack, holding vigil with Arthur. Some of the hands planned on driving out to visit, and Reyes went in with the quartet who left a little after lunch.

  They all took turns going in, while the rest of them sat in the waiting room with Mack and Wes, who were both stretched and worn. Reyes brought them a hot lunch from Patrice, and a thermos of coffee to keep them going.

  “Where’s Miles?” Mack whispered.

  “Doing a personal errand,” Reyes replied. He hadn’t told Mack about the direct message videos, and now wasn’t the time. Reyes wasn’t positive that’s what Miles was dealing with, but he held on to that hope in the back of his mind. “How are you holding up?”

  “Thank God for Wes, or I’d be a puddle on the floor. You’ll be shocked to know my father visited this morning.”

  Reyes arched both eyebrows. “How did that go?”

  “As coldly as you’d expect. I think he hoped I’d let him sit with Arthur alone so he could unload on an unconscious man, but I didn’t. So he sat there in silence for five minutes and left. Bastard.”

  “He came. Even if it was only to say goodbye, he still came. Maybe not for Arthur, but for you, Mack.”

  “Doesn’t matter anymore. I’m done with that man.”

  Reyes slung his arm around Mack’s neck and squeezed. “You’ve got us. We’re your family, bud.”

  “Yeah.”

  By the time their group returned to the ranch, it was late afternoon. On the way to the barn, Reyes’s phone pinged with a text.

  Miles: Home. Riding with Tango to think. Be home in a bit.

  Interesting.

  For the first time in months, Miles wanting to be alone and think didn’t worry him the way it once had. Miles had a tendency to get caught up inside his own head, and when that happened, he needed to untangle things and get back out. It wasn’t about avoiding Reyes or not wanting to talk. Once Miles had his shit together, he’d find Reye
s—of that he had no doubt.

  So he threw himself into work, picking up a bit of the paperwork slack while Judson was distracted. Judson had known Arthur for decades, and he had to be hurting terribly. He was also extremely private, and Judson kept his emotions to himself. Most of the guests were either on a trail ride, or down at the pond swimming. Reyes did a quick sweep of the guesthouse, anyway, and chatted with a young gay couple who were playing mancala on the front porch.

  They loved the ranch, the atmosphere, found the staff accepting, and yes, they would definitely recommend the place to their friends.

  All feedback Reyes loved hearing from his guests.

  He returned to his office, and a little after five, the familiar clomp of hooves moved past the door. He looked up to see a swish of brown tail disappearing, and his pulse jumped with joy. Miles was back. Five minutes later, Miles filled the half-open doorway with a shy smile on his face.

  “Hi, honey, how was your day?” Miles asked in a teasing tone.

  “Long. Visited the hospital with some of the guys earlier, but mostly paperwork and schmoozing.”

  “And you hate schmoozing.”

  “Paperwork doesn’t care if you’re polite to it or not.”

  Miles chuckled. “No, it doesn’t. You up for a walk with me?”

  “Definitely.” Reyes tidied up his desk, then pulled the door shut behind them. “Any particular direction?”

  “Yup.”

  He followed Miles around the barn, toward the path they usually rode to Mack and Wes’s place. Movie night was cancelled for obvious reasons, but it was a familiar place and meaningful to them both. Once they were past the view of the barn, Miles took his left hand and held it tight while they walked in companionable silence.

  About halfway there, the path crossed a narrow creek of brown stone and gently babbling mountain water. Miles paused there to crouch and trail his fingers in the stream. “I went to see the police today,” he said. “About Dallas.”

  Reyes’s entire body jolted. “You did? Alone?”

  “No, with the friend I drove in with. Shawn, actually.”

  “Your pastry chef?”

  “Yeah.” Miles looked up, squinting against the dimming evening light. “We talked yesterday. Or actually, I may have lost it at work and vented everything to him. Shawn went through something similar—but way different—with an ex, and he was really supportive. I know you would have gone if I’d asked, but I needed to do this on my own.”

  “On your own with Shawn?”

  “Yes?”

  Reyes sat on the hard ground next to him so Miles didn’t have to keep straining his neck. “First of all, I’m so proud of you for going to the police and standing up for yourself.”

  “Thank you. I’m proud of me, too, actually. Honestly, at first I was just going to report Dallas for breaching the no-contact order, but once I explained how I thought it happened, their cybercrimes unit got involved. If they can connect those user names to Dallas, he’ll be arrested.”

  “What about the video and your birthday?”

  “I reported what I knew. The detective I spoke to is taking me seriously, but without any blood tests showing I was drugged, it’s a hard case to prove. However, in California, it’s illegal to create hidden video recordings of people, so if they find the whole video, there might be something more damning on it. He promised to bring Dallas in for questioning and to try and identify the second man in the video.”

  “That’s great news.” A terrible thought made Reyes’s stomach hurt. “Do you think Dallas will try to retaliate?”

  “I don’t know how he could. He’d be an idiot to try and reach out to me directly, and even dumber to get at me through Wes, considering Mack. Even if he posted the whole smutty sex tape online, who cares? I left Miles Arlington behind in San Francisco six months ago. I’m a different person here, a better person. And I’m tired of being Dallas Ward’s fucking doormat.”

  Reyes nearly burst with the force of all the pride he felt in that moment. So. Much. Pride. For someone who’d been as abused and tormented as Miles to finally say, Enough! I’m done.

  “Your strength never stops amazing me,” Reyes said. “I mean that. You stood up to me last night, and you’re standing up to Dallas now. You are the head chef of your own successful restaurant. You are truly taking control of your life.”

  Miles’s smile went shy. “I wasn’t this strong before I met you.”

  His heart tripped. “Yes, you were. Strength like this is part of a person. It had just been stomped on so much and beaten down, that you needed time and patience and love to discover it again. You did have strength before me.”

  And you’ll need to take it with you after me, too, my heart.

  “You always know the perfect thing to say,” Miles said. “Are you sure you don’t read romance novels on the sly?”

  Reyes laughed. “Cross my heart.” He dipped his own fingers in the cold creek water, watching the shapes it made. “Don’t forget, I’ve got a decade’s worth of life experience on you.”

  “Trust me, I feel older than twenty-five some days.” Miles flicked water at his face. “But you will always be the old man in this relationship.”

  “Old man?” With a pretend growl, Reyes tackled Miles to the ground and kissed him, keeping it playful, but also full of meaning. “How’s that for an old man?”

  “Hmm. I might need another one for a quick comparison?”

  Reyes dipped his hand and shoved cold, wet fingers under Miles’s shirt, right onto his belly. Miles squealed and laughed as Reyes tickled, enjoying the genuine humor in Miles’s gleaming eyes and big grin. He kissed Miles again, then nipped his bottom lip. Pushed a thigh between Miles’s legs and ground a bit, until Miles gasped. Rubbed his own leg into Reyes’s crotch.

  Miles reached around to palm Reyes’s ass, and their kiss deepened. Arousal surged through his veins, and Reyes wanted. Needed. He’d never ached for something so badly in his life, and it had everything to do with Miles. Miles’s bravery and strength was a huge turn-on, and more than that, Reyes wanted Miles to claim him.

  “Want you,” Reyes panted between kisses.

  “Here? On the ground?”

  “On the ground, against a tree, don’t care.” Reyes tugged Miles’s hand into the crease of his jeans. “I need you in me, Miles.”

  Miles’s lips parted, eyebrows winging up. Reyes had never bottomed before, never felt the urge to let another man enter him. But he wanted it with Miles so badly his entire body clenched with need. Miles massaged his crease as he studied Reyes’s face. “I don’t have a condom on me. Or lube.”

  “Don’t want a condom, Miles. Want to feel you.”

  Bewilderment widened Miles’s eyes even more, and he pushed until Reyes reluctantly sat up. “Okay, you can’t just drop going bare on me like that. Not without a conversation.”

  “You’re right.” Reyes pushed his arousal down and tried to be rational. “I haven’t been with anyone but you since my last test, and I know you’re the same.”

  “True, but it isn’t just about our status. Ditching condoms is a huge step, and I’m not sure I’m mentally ready to go there with you, you know, in me, like we usually make love.”

  “And I understand that completely, mi alma.” Reyes squeezed both of Miles’s hands. “I would never pressure you into anything sexual, and maybe me asking was in the moment, but I don’t regret it. I’ve never gone there with another man, and I want to with you. I want you inside me. To mark me. I’ve never wanted anything so badly.”

  “Oh, Reyes.” Miles’s eyes went liquid. “I’d love to give that to you. But not in the dirt with no lube. In a bed, with plenty of time and preparation.” He winked. “Maybe we’ll do the dirt sex some other time.”

  “I recall you mentioning sex against a wall once.”

  Miles laughed.
“Yeah, that’s on the bucket list, too.”

  A bit of Reyes’s excitement died at the “bucket list” comment. A bucket list was something you did before you died, and it made Reyes remember how fleeting this relationship was. And that every new thing they did together could potentially be the last, too. It helped calm his raging boner enough that walking back to the cabin wouldn’t be too uncomfortable.

  Reyes stood and helped Miles up, where he pulled him into a hug. “How about we walk home and make love?”

  “That sounds absolutely perfect to me.”

  * * *

  On the long, leisurely walk home, Miles marveled at the complete one-eighty his life had taken in the past few weeks. From terrified of his ex to taking his life into his own hands. Nervous about sex to openly loving his boyfriend. Hiding from the past to confronting it head-on and hoping for an arrest warrant or two.

  He was done sitting down; it was time to resist.

  And Reyes, bless him, was by Miles’s side no matter what. Yes, a small part of Miles worried over this dark secret Reyes had yet to share, but only a small one. The vast majority of him loved Reyes wholeheartedly, no matter his past or flaws, because Reyes loved him the same way. And when Miles tried to give Reyes the credit for Miles’s newfound strength, Reyes only boosted Miles, instead of taking that credit.

  They walked hand in hand, in no hurry, despite knowing what would happen when they got to the cabin. Colt was lounging on their porch when they arrived, but he took one look at them and scampered away. Miles laughed.

  Once inside, Miles’s heart flipped at the enormity of what Reyes wanted. Yes, he’d topped Kevin a handful of times, but he much preferred bottoming. Obviously, Reyes preferred to top if he’d never bottomed before now, and it did make Miles wonder why now? Maybe it was all the stress in their lives this week, and Miles could live with that. But only if Reyes could live with it, too.

  Reyes yanked his work polo off and dropped it to the floor. He reached for Miles’s shirt, but Miles grabbed his wrist. “Are you one hundred percent sure you want to do this?” Miles asked.

  “Yes.” Reyes cupped his chin with his free hand. “I will never ask for something sexually I’m not sure I want, just as I promise I’ll never do anything I’m not sure you want. So if you’d rather make love the usual way...?”