And then she knew…Ethan had to be just like the others. Had to be. He just hadn’t shown his true colors yet. Being aware, though, was half the battle. She’d just have to find a way to remove herself from the relationship before it was too late.
* * *
Ethan looked down at his son’s placid face early Sunday morning. Chris was still asleep, having completely worn himself out the day before. Ethan wasn’t sure what to do with his son at first, so they’d gone to the park on Friday and spent several hours there. He was proud of himself, too, because he’d remembered sunscreen. It was still pretty hot out, though, so they went to McDonald’s after and ate some lunch, but then Chris wanted to go hang out in the play area there as well. Ethan thought it was just as well, because he didn’t have anything at home to entertain his son.
After they’d left, Ethan decided to pick up an Xbox 360 and some games. He knew a lot of the games would be too advanced for Chris, but he’d seen other kids play videogames, and it was like they’d been born with a controller in their hands. When they pulled into the parking lot at Walmart, he saw that Chris was fast asleep in the seat. That’s when he realized he’d forgotten about naptime. He ran to the toy aisles and grabbed a bunch of Mega Bloks too in case Chris wasn’t into games, and then he stopped by the electronics department to grab kid-friendly DVDs.
Chris fell back asleep in the shopping cart, and Ethan realized he also hadn’t planned ahead for kid food at the house, so he went to the food side of the store and picked up juice, cereal, macaroni and cheese, fish sticks, Oreos, and other stuff he thought his son might enjoy eating. On Saturday, they just played videogames until Chris got completely bored, and then Ethan opened the Mega Bloks. The kid played and played and played…and Ethan was wrecked when Chris simply called him Daddy…no Ethan after it.
After dinner, they sat together on the couch and watched a Disney movie. Ethan started feeling bored and spotted one of his guitars in the corner. He hadn’t touched it in months…but there she was, his Little Red Beauty, and she was calling his name, singing to him. He swallowed. He wanted to touch her, make music with her, and the urge was strong…stronger than it had been in months. His son was there, though, and he didn’t want to miss a moment with him.
But when the movie was over, Ethan had asked if Chris wanted to watch Daddy make music. He said he did, so Ethan took the guitar out of the stand and played. It was tinny, because he didn’t want to plug it into an amp, but Chris was fascinated. He wanted to touch the strings and try to play himself, so Ethan picked him up in his lap, and they “played” the instrument together. His son’s green eyes lit up as he touched the vibrating strings.
“Like Daddy Brad’s.”
“The guitar?”
“Yeah. Daddy Brad has black guitar.”
“Do you want a guitar?”
Chris nodded. “Red.” He smiled and Ethan smiled back.
Now, on this lovely Sunday morning, Ethan sat on the side of his bed, gazing upon his beautiful son. His hair was a light brown, close to Valerie’s hair color, but his eyes looked just like Ethan’s. Ethan didn’t care anymore if anyone accepted him, loved him, forgave him. All the redemption he’d needed came from the little boy who was soundly asleep.
He was feeling sad, though, because he had to take him back today. Val had said seven o’clock—an hour before his bedtime—was fine. Ethan was pretty sure she understood how important the visit was to him, even though she’d said, “If you have any problems or want to bring him back early, here’s my cell number.”
No…he instead wanted to call and ask if he could keep him the rest of the week. But he knew that was unrealistic. Chris needed stability, and Val could provide it better than Ethan could. Besides, during the upcoming week, Ethan had Soaring Free and two appointments—one with the psychiatrist and one with the psychologist.
When Chris got up, they ate a late breakfast/early lunch and then played until around three o’clock, and Ethan decided that he wanted to introduce his son to the woman who now consumed his thoughts when Chris wasn’t around. He hadn’t seen her since Thursday, and he missed her, ached for her. They hadn’t been together long but, for some reason, she felt right.
Chris was building yet another castle with the colorful plastic blocks while another Disney movie played in the background, and Ethan called Jenna.
She didn’t answer her phone until the third ring. “Hey, Ethan.” Her voice…so sweet. He hadn’t realized how much he’d missed her until she spoke.
“Jenna. How are you?”
“I’m okay.”
She sounded distant. “Anything wrong?”
She was quiet for a few seconds and then said, “No. Just… No, I’m okay.” He heard her take in a breath. “How was the visit with your son?”
“Still happening. And, uh…that’s why I was calling. I want you to meet him. I was thinking—”
“Oh, no, Ethan. I don’t want to take away your time together.”
“No…this would mean so much to me. I want you to meet each other, because you’re the two most important people in my life.” Ethan looked over at Chris. His son was talking to himself while he played. “He is without a doubt the best thing I’ve ever done in my life, the one thing I didn’t fuck up.” He smiled. “So what do you say? I’d love to pick you up, and we can all go to dinner. Then I need to take him home to his mother.”
He could hear the hesitation in Jenna’s voice. “Uh…”
“We won’t be at Val’s long. I promise.”
After a few seconds, she said, “Yeah, okay. Sure.”
He could tell she was feeling a little odd about it, but he was sure once she met Chris, she’d be glad she came along, so they made plans, and Ethan said he’d pick her up in a couple of hours. In the meantime, though, he was going to get on the floor and play blocks with his son one more time.
Chapter Twenty-seven
DINNER HAD BEEN pleasant enough. Chris was one of the cutest kids Jenna had ever seen. He had Ethan’s eyes, nose, lips, and chin, and she wondered if the kid had any of his mother’s traits. He looked a lot like his dad, with one exception—the reddish tint in Ethan’s hair wasn’t evident in his son’s hair at all. His disposition was different too. The child was happy and all smiles, whereas Ethan was introspective a lot and somber sometimes, although Jenna had seen him coming out from under that cloud more of late.
When they left the restaurant, Jenna felt herself tense up again. Yeah, Ethan was right about one thing—she felt nervous about having to meet his ex. More than that, though, she knew she was beginning to fall hard for him, but she’d already decided to back off, and here he was making it difficult for her. Well, she knew he needed her support, especially right now. This moment in time had to be hard on him, and she was going to stand by him as he walked through it. That didn’t mean she had to be with him forever.
She took a deep breath and looked out the passenger window as they drove down 6th Avenue. It hurt already, the realization that she was going to have to let Ethan go. She had begun to harbor feelings for him that were making it hard for her to do what she needed to do, but she knew it would be easier for both of them to do it now rather than wait until later. The longer she waited, the harder it would be.
So they just listened to the radio in silence, but Chris would talk once in a while, and when he did, Ethan would turn the music down low. He finally kept the volume lower so he wouldn’t have to keep adjusting it. Jenna smiled, letting him know that was fine with her.
After a while, Ethan pulled the car in front of a white one-story house in a quiet neighborhood. He shut off the engine and Jenna felt relief. The radio station had been playing Bullet for My Valentine’s “Tears Don’t Fall, Pt. 2,” and it felt like a statement directed at her…like she didn’t care, hadn’t listened to Ethan.
She clenched her jaw, knowing it was just her own guilty conscience, and then she forced a smile on her face and looked over at Ethan. She got out of the car and joined him
on the other side. Ethan already had the back passenger door open on his side and was unstrapping Chris from his car seat. “Can I help with anything?”
“Yeah, if you don’t mind. I’ll get his diaper bag out of the trunk, but you could get the car seat. You just unbuckle it and—”
“Got it.” She’d never been a mom, but she knew how car seats worked. When she was working on her CAC certification, she interned in a Child Protection office, and one of the things she did was go with caseworkers when they had to transport kids. The car seats were a staple, so she’d had plenty of experience with them. She also had plenty of time observing what the caseworkers had to deal with and knew she didn’t want to use her degree to work for Social Services. The things they had to deal with were heartbreaking, and she had enough baggage from her own childhood. She knew she wouldn’t be helpful to those children while reliving her own youth.
She didn’t realize Ethan had been waiting for her until she pulled the seat out of the car and closed the door, turning around. Both of them walked up the sidewalk together toward the house. Chris was getting drowsy. Jenna could tell, because his eyelids were getting droopy.
Before they made it to the steps, a tall man opened the door. Jenna recognized him as the other guitarist and vocalist of Fully Automatic, Brad Payne. From everything she’d read and heard over the years, Brad was the driving force behind the band, and knowing what she knew of Ethan, she could believe it. The way Ethan had told it, Ethan himself was often present in body only, not just for shows and recording sessions but every waking moment. Jenna couldn’t imagine functioning that way, and yet she knew so many people did.
Brad smiled and asked, “Was he good for you?” He got close to Jenna and as an aside said, “Here, I can take that.”
As Jenna handed the car seat to Brad, Ethan said, “Yeah, but I didn’t expect otherwise.”
Brad nodded. “He’s a great kid.” He leaned over and grinned at Chris. “But you know that, don’t you, buddy?” He touched him on the nose with his index finger and then turned around, setting the car seat on the porch.
“Brad, this is Jenna McCormick. She’s a drug and alcohol counselor,” he said and then looked at her out of the corner of his eye and added, “and my girlfriend.”
Jenna considered protesting. Lovers might have been a good term or even saying they were dating might have been appropriate, but girlfriend? That seemed a little rushed…and yet a small part of her liked how that word felt.
No. No, she couldn’t go there. She’d already promised herself.
Brad nodded. “Nice to meet you.” He shoved his hands in his jeans. “Ethan’s like a brother to me.”
She smiled, unable to help herself. Brad had a charisma that made her feel instantly relaxed, like they’d known each other for years. “He’s said the same about you.”
A striking woman walked out of the house then. She was about Jenna’s height with long brown hair, but it was her visible tattoos and piercings that caught Jenna’s eye. This had to be Valerie. She was beautiful, and now Jenna could tell which features of hers Chris had inherited. Her influence on his looks was more subtle than Ethan’s, but she was clearly this child’s mother. Like Brad, Jenna could sense her presence before she even said a word. Chris said, “Mama.”
Valerie flashed a white smile. “My baby! How are you, baby boy?”
Chris reached for her, and she pulled him into her arms. She closed her eyes and pressed him into her, tousling his hair before kissing him on the cheek. “Did you have fun with Daddy Ethan?”
“Yes.”
Jenna thought that was strange—why not just daddy? She tried not to be obvious when she looked over at Ethan. He was taking that odd address with amazing calmness. “Uh, I was wanting to ask about that…to see when I can have him again. Could we maybe work something out before all the legal paperwork gets done?”
“Uh, yeah. Can I talk to you about that in private?”
Jenna didn’t think that sounded good. Great. He was going to get a hell of a blow. There was no way she was going to be able to call off their relationship tonight. Ethan was still fragile, and she knew he could only deal with one setback at a time. Shit. Well, that’s what happened when you let your hormones rule your head.
Again, though, when she looked over at Ethan, he was cool. He was maintaining it. She was impressed.
She thought it was pretty rude that this woman didn’t even acknowledge her, though. What a bitch. Maybe there was more to their relationship than Ethan had ever let on. Well, good riddance for Ethan. And the poor kid.
But her degree in psychology made her drop the defensive stance her mind had taken. She knew what it was like to deal with addictive personalities enmeshed in your life. His ex was probably so tuned in to what she had to do, she hadn’t given Jenna two thoughts. She couldn’t take it personally, and that didn’t make his ex a bitch.
“Yeah, sure,” Ethan replied.
Valerie’s blue-green eyes met Jenna’s when she said, “Please excuse us for a moment.” Well, that was better than nothing. Valerie handed Chris over to Brad, then pulled Ethan by the upper arm to lead him to the side of the house. Jenna thought that was another odd move. Why not just invite him in the house where they could talk behind a closed door? She was sure the woman had her reasons, again probably having to do with being burned in the past, but she thought it was strange. Ethan had been the epitome of good behavior. Once more, though, Jenna realized that could have been a pattern Valerie was familiar with. It reminded her that she really hadn’t known Ethan very long and therefore didn’t necessarily have the best judgment.
Watching them walk to the side of the house, though, she felt more than awkward, standing next to a guy she didn’t even know and a toddler she barely knew any more than that. She knew the smile on her face was weak, but she waved and gave a halfhearted smile. “Uh, nice to meet you.” She nodded toward the street. “I’m, uh…just gonna go head back to the car.” Chris looked at her, so she said, “Nice to meet you, Chris.”
She turned around and made her way toward the white car Ethan had parked at the curb. The sun had gone down a while ago and dusk had descended slowly, but the sky was dark blue, almost black, and Jenna knew she’d be able to see a star or two soon.
She hoped, almost prayed, that Valerie was going easy on Ethan. She’d understand if the woman wasn’t, but it worried her. Ethan was stronger than anyone would ever believe, but Jenna knew he was vulnerable when it came to his ex and his child. She didn’t want to see his progress set back. She could help him through it, though…as his counselor, not his girlfriend. Yeah, and what had that been all about? It was as she had warned him before, that his need for counseling had made him overly dependent upon her, and she should have known better. She had known better and had done it anyway. Stupid.
When Ethan and Valerie walked back out, though, Ethan said a civil goodbye to them and gave Chris a kiss on the forehead before walking back to the car. He seemed okay, and Jenna breathed a sigh of relief.
He got in the car and waved to them the three of them again. “Ready?” he asked Jenna.
She nodded and buckled her seatbelt, but it wasn’t until they were on the road that she noticed Ethan was not okay…not by a long shot.
Chapter Twenty-eight
ETHAN’S WORLD WAS was red. Pure blood red. He couldn’t even think straight.
Goddammit, he was pissed at Valerie. The fucking nerve. Yeah, he was thrilled that she was as good a mom as ever, but he couldn’t believe the words that had come out of her mouth.
Her voice had been low, but she’d looked like a rattlesnake ready to strike. “I can’t believe you had the gall to bring one of your heroin whores to my house…and you had her around my son. You asshole. You haven’t changed a bit.”
How he’d kept his cool, he’d never know. “Whoa, Val. You got it all wrong.”
“Do I?” She arched her eyebrows in disbelief, something he’d seen her do hundreds of times before.
“Yeah, Miss Perfect. If you’d given me one fucking second to introduce you to her, you’d know that Jenna is my goddamned drug and alcohol counselor. She’s not a fucking junkie. Does she even look like a junkie to you?”
The look on her face was classic. It almost made up for the fact that she couldn’t accept that he’d actually made it out of the hole he’d been in. Her nostrils quit flaring, and even though it was almost all the way dark outside, Ethan thought he could see a bit of a blush wash over her cheeks. “Oh. Oh, God, Ethan. I’m really sorry.”
It was childish, he knew, but it was the first time since he and Valerie had gotten together that he had a legitimate reason to be smug. “Well, it’s a little late. I get it, Val. I get it. It’s not going to be easy to trust me. I understand that. But when I’m standing right in front of you and you can see the changes I’ve made, why can’t you accept them? Can you just once give me the benefit of the doubt?” He felt a cold chill descend over his heart. “Or do I just need to expect this kind of reaction from now on? Do I need to give you a full report every fucking time I see you?” He felt his blood pressure rising, more because he was containing himself. He wanted to explode and yell at her, but he knew that would accomplish nothing. He’d look like a bastard to Jenna, and he’d probably scare Chris. That would undo all the bonding they’d done over the past three days. And Brad…well, Brad would rush right over to play shining white knight to Val just like he always had…even though this time she was completely in the wrong.
But he was good at keeping it in. He had no idea how many times as a kid he’d had to mask fear from his father. He could contain his anger, but he knew one thing. It was gonna blow soon, and he had to get out of there.
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