So when he got in the car, he just drove. Part of him was reliving those moments, thinking of what he should have said instead, wondering if he’d handled it okay, hoping Val wouldn’t use any of it as an excuse to refuse him the right to see his son again. The rest of him was just trying to process the raw emotion chaffing at his insides.
And he drove like that for miles and miles and miles, and it wasn’t until he heard Jenna say his name and touch his shoulder that he realized they were far outside the Denver Metro area. They were somewhere west in the low-lying foothills, but beyond that, he had no recollection of how he’d gotten them there. Jenna wasn’t just saying his name, though. She was screaming at him, panicking, and he was slamming on the brake before he realized why.
He was speeding, going close to ninety miles an hour, and on this winding road, that was a bad idea. His driving had scared her.
Well, so would the way the car was spinning around now. The car didn’t like the way he’d braked, and it turned one hundred eighty degrees before finally stopping in the middle of the road across the double yellow lines. Ethan noticed he was breathing hard, as though he’d been running for miles. As he got his bearings, he felt relief that no other car was coming, or they would have been in bad shape.
Once the car stopped, he inhaled sharply and knew he had to get it out of the way fast before another vehicle did come down the highway. He pulled to the side of the road. He looked over at Jenna. She looked a little scared, so he took her face in his hands. He had so much inside, so much he wanted to say, but he’d bottled so many things up for so long, he didn’t know how to talk about them. Honestly, he wouldn’t be able to talk about tonight anyway, not until he had a chance to process those feelings. He’d been getting better about it of late, but this was fresh, raw…and he couldn’t put his emotions into words.
This woman, though…she was beautiful inside and out, and just looking at her reminded him that there was hope. He was starting to feel something for her, something he thought he might want to embrace and never let go of. The light of the dashboard shone on the side of her face, and he thought he could see in her eyes the surge of passion he felt in himself. It was aggressive when he pressed his lips into hers with brute force. She responded, though, and he felt her tongue clashing with his. He knew then that he had to have her that very moment.
He was afraid she wouldn’t have any of it, though, but he had to try. There would be no room up front in the bucket seats to warm her up to the idea. He broke away from their kiss. “Back seat?”
He saw a flicker of hesitation in her eyes, but then she turned around and opened the passenger door. He turned off the ignition and got out his door, then opened the back door and climbed inside. Jenna almost attacked him with her mouth. God, he was glad she was feeling the same way he was. He didn’t want to wait and got the idea she felt the same way, so he placed his hands on her waist, grabbing the bottom of her shirt and pulling it up. She took it in her hands and got it up her torso faster than he could. It was dark in the car, but he knew her bare skin was right in front of him. He moved his face into that space and found the flesh below the hollow in her neck, above her cleavage and kissed there but moved lower, licking and devouring the flesh. He heard her exhale as she shoved her fingers into his hair. He loved how she did that…such a turn on. She pulled his face up to hers and kissed him hard while he felt around her back and undid the clasps on her bra.
He was beginning to feel focus again as the blood rushed from his head and his extremities straight into his cock, along with the anger and rage that he’d succumbed to. He still wasn’t completely in control of his emotions or even his thoughts, but he felt more clarity as he made Jenna his focus. He slid her bra down her arms and took one of her nipples in his mouth as she sighed and leaned her head back against the window.
Jesus…he wanted her badly. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d needed one particular woman so much. He felt like he could devour her. And it was like he blacked out again, because the next thing he knew, he heard her reminding him to put a condom on. She had his dick in her hands. Goddamn, was he hard and in need of release, and why couldn’t he remember getting to that point? She was completely naked underneath him now, and he was poised to penetrate her. He took a deep breath and blinked. He was still wearing his jeans, although they were hanging halfway down his legs. He reached for his wallet, hoping he had a condom in there. Since his first date with Jenna, he’d been carrying one or two at a time, but he couldn’t think straight now at all, didn’t know if his memory was trustworthy.
He fished out his wallet and balanced himself on his knee, and she pulled his head so she could meet his lips with hers. God, this woman was so sweet, so in tune to him, he couldn’t feel any closer to anyone. It was as though she could read his mind, like she knew which way he was going to move or what he was going to say, because in that moment he had wanted to taste her again, and she simply obliged.
Condom on, he plunged inside her and she gasped. Her fingers curved into his neck, her nails digging into the flesh. It felt like fire, burning hot. He couldn’t see her eyes in the dark, but he imagined them black, full of passion, her red hair flowing around her pale face, her lips red with desire. He kissed her again, but she only half kissed him back, so he knew she was close. He forced himself to slow down, get his bearings, because the adrenaline was still coursing through his body, shadowing his brain.
He changed his angle to adjust to the way she was tilting her pelvis, tried to make sure he was hitting her sweet spot. She sucked in a deep breath of air and then let out a low groan. Her thighs clenched around him and she moaned again. She cut loose then and a few seconds later, he knew it would be okay for him to let go. Those few brief seconds of pure ecstasy, followed by a calm that would wash over him, were one of few moments in his life where none of the bullshit mattered.
He rested his head on the glass in the passenger window. Without the air conditioning on, the car had become stuffy fast…and it smelled like sex. That part didn’t bother him. What did bother him was the feeling that something was wrong…and in his previous state, he hadn’t sensed it. He was certain things were amiss when they redressed in complete silence. Things just didn’t feel right.
Chapter Twenty-nine
OH…SHE WAS going to miss that about Ethan. He was hot, yes, but he was also a fantastic lover. Jenna didn’t know that she’d ever been with someone who cared so much about her experience as much as his own. And she was going to miss that part of him terribly.
Well, that wasn’t the only part she’d miss, but she had to stop thinking about it. She knew her feelings for him had grown roots in her heart.
It didn’t change the fact that she had to end it, and it had to be like pulling off a Band-Aid—quick and as painless as possible. If she ripped them apart now, they’d both survive.
Maybe.
She worried about Ethan, even without being a potential love interest who was about to dump him.
He sat up, zipping up his jeans while she felt around for her clothes. She hadn’t seen a single car drive by while they were getting down and dirty (not that she’d been paying attention) and for that she was grateful, but she couldn’t see anything in the dark. She’d already found her jeans and t-shirt, but she was having to feel for everything else. Her bra she found on the floor. Ethan said, “I think I found your panties.” He placed the tiny lacy things in her hand. Yep, that was them, all right. She got dressed in the dark without saying another word.
She wasn’t sure how Ethan knew she was done dressing, but when she was done, he opened his door on the passenger side and got out. The dome light was almost blinding, but it went out as soon as he closed the door. She waited for a few seconds to let her eyes readjust to the dark. Then she reached for the handle and opened the door. As she stepped out, she saw Ethan there next to the car. The air outside, while warm, felt fresh. She took in a deep breath and wondered why he was on this side of the car.
; “Can we talk for a few minutes?”
“Sure.” She looked around her and all was dark. She didn’t know the last time she’d been out of the city at night. She’d forgotten how brilliant the stars looked away from light pollution. There were more dots of light than she’d remembered. It was beautiful.
“Did I say something to piss you off?”
Oh, God. That was going to make it harder. “No. Why?”
Ethan cleared his throat. She could make out that he had turned toward her—she could feel it. She couldn’t bear facing him, even if she wouldn’t be able to read his expression. “You just felt…cold all of a sudden.” He looked up at the stars where her eyes had gone. There was no moon tonight. “What did I do?”
She let out a slow breath. Well, like it or not, no better time than the present. She turned to him, leaning against the car. “You didn’t do anything, Ethan. I just…you and me? We’re a bad idea.” She didn’t want to tell him she thought he was just another in a long line of bad choices. That wouldn’t make him feel good about himself, and she knew she had a fine line to walk.
Before she could say another word, he said, “What’s so bad about us?”
She let out a long, slow breath. He wasn’t making this easy. “Okay, I guess it’s not us. It’s just me.”
His eyes were boring into the side of her head; she could sense it, and it made it that much harder. Why did he have to question her? Why couldn’t he just accept it? “I need to understand this, Jenna. What is it about you? Your answer better be good enough to scare my ass away…and I don’t scare easy.”
Her breath escaped her. She could sense his strength, his power, and she knew he was without a doubt one of the most courageous souls she’d ever known. That he’d continued living when he thought there was nothing left to live for, that he’d pressed on without hope…that took courage the likes of which she’d never known. Yes, she was a fighter when given the choice between it and flight, but Ethan was a whole other level. She swallowed, hoping he’d understand. “I’m not trying to scare you, Ethan. I just…don’t think we’re compatible.”
“Why?”
“It’s a feeling.”
“Wait a second.” He stood in front of her, and even in the dark, she could see the outline of his features, catch the glint of his eyes. “You told me about that son of a bitch who raped you. Do you think I’d ever do that to you? Ever?”
No, she didn’t think that. Ethan didn’t seem that type. She shook her head. “No.”
“What about us feels incompatible?”
She gave it some thought. It had been a quick, lame reason, something she’d said to try to get him off her back. Instead, she went over everything she knew about Ethan and knew that the opposite was true. He seemed to understand her in and out, and she felt like she understood him. They both loved the same things—music, books, movies. They’d both had rough childhoods and shaky adulthoods, but the two of them wanted something better. So she gave another lame answer, but it was all she could think of. “You’re a guitar player for a metal band. I’m a drug and alcohol counselor. Our lives are completely different, Ethan. It would never work.”
He didn’t hesitate. “Bullshit.”
Her defenses were weakening, but she had to try again. She had to protect herself. “I saw what happened back there. I am not putting myself in the middle of that.”
“What, Valerie’s overreaction? Come on, Jenna. You can do better than that.”
“Damn it, Ethan. Stop arguing with me.”
“Then stop trying to break up with me for no good fucking reason.”
Before she could even protest, his lips were on hers, warm and demanding, and she melted into him. She felt a tear drop from her eye, but she realized then that she was glad he wasn’t just going to let her walk away without a fight.
* * *
Jenna let the walls crumble over the following weeks and opened her heart to Ethan. She didn’t know that she’d ever been this happy in her life, and she kept waiting for something bad to happen. She couldn’t help feeling that way. If she expected it, then she could prepare for it.
Summer faded into fall, quietly and with little notice, and things were still going well. Her feelings for Ethan grew stronger every day. She didn’t go with Ethan to pick up or drop off Chris again because she didn’t want to be put in an uncomfortable position again, but she spent time with them whenever Ethan invited her.
By October, she and Ethan rarely spent time apart. If she wasn’t as his apartment, he was at hers. They both discovered they had an intense love of Chinese food, especially Kung Pao Chicken. They also shared a guilty pleasure—they loved anything Jackass, whether it was the movies or old TV series.
One thing Jenna had noticed, though, and it concerned her was the fact that Ethan had yet to pick up his guitar when she was around. Maybe, she thought, he just played it and wrote in private. Ethan tended to be guarded about a lot of things, so it wouldn’t have surprised her. When she asked about the band and his future in music, though, he was noncommittal and wouldn’t say much save giving her a blow off answer. So she realized it was still a sensitive subject, and she didn’t want to push too hard.
Ethan grew quieter, though, as the weather grew colder, and by the time the first light snow fell in November, she was beginning to worry about him. He was sleeping…a lot…and he’d lost interest in a lot of things, including sex. The bedroom really was where they were most compatible, and so it was strange that he wasn’t kissing her or grabbing her or pulling her back to the bedroom while she giggled. He never said no when she initiated it, but he wasn’t as eager as he’d been in the past.
Something was wrong.
Jenna called Ethan late one afternoon before she left the office. She wanted to ask him if he wanted her to pick up some takeout and a DVD, but he wasn’t answering his phone. The second time she tried calling, she went straight to voicemail. That’s when she knew something was seriously wrong…and she hoped it wasn’t too late to fix whatever it was.
Chapter Thirty
THE WORLD WAS dark. It was cold and cruel, and it was a place Ethan didn’t want to inhabit anymore.
Sure, he’d hung on for a long time. He’d held onto Chris and Jenna as reasons to stay and be part of it—he’d even tried clinging to the idea that his mother would be devastated if something happened to him. Really, though, he knew they would all be better off without him. He didn’t want to cause them any more pain or heartache.
As far as his son went, Chris had Valerie, a mother who would do anything for him, and Brad, a stepfather beyond all others. Brad had gladly assumed the role, and as pissed as it made Ethan sometimes, he knew his friend was doing an excellent job. His son loved the guy.
Jenna? As much as he loved her and wanted her, he knew she could do a thousand times better than him. He was a fucking loser and no good for anybody.
Mom? She had a boyfriend who treated her like gold, so she didn’t need a son anymore.
And Ethan was just plain tired of the fucking struggle. It wasn’t worth it any longer.
He’d written a letter to each of them—Chris, Jenna, his mother, Valerie, Brad, and even short notes to Zane and Nick—telling them he was sorry but asking them to understand. If they loved him, they would…they’d at least try.
So he got out of bed at three that afternoon, before Jenna would come over. She hadn’t noticed him sleeping later and later, because he made sure he was out of bed and showered before she came by, and he was pretty sure he was doing a good job putting on a happy face.
But he was fucking miserable.
He’d called an old friend and set up a meeting. Jenna called when he was walking up the stairs to that old friend’s place, so he set his phone to send all calls to voicemail. He couldn’t bear talking to her. He needed the resolve to see it through and that would be difficult if he had to talk to her.
When he had everything he needed, he left, thanking his friend by leaving him a tip for the stuf
f. Ethan considered just shooting up in the truck, but he didn’t want to do it out in public. If someone caught him, he’d be just as likely to be arrested, and then he’d have no relief. No. He had to go home and do it there. He’d have to lock his door too so Jenna wouldn’t come in. She’d have to get the landlord to unlock the door or get the cops to bust the door down. By then, it would be too late. He apologized in the note for that too, because he knew she’d be the reason why he’d be found in the first place. No one else gave enough of a shit.
As he started walking up the stairs to his place, he heard steps behind him. “Ethan.”
Oh, fuck no. It was Jenna. Well, he’d never go through with it if she was around.
He couldn’t look at her. “Go home, Jenna.” He hoped his voice was as cold as he was trying to make it.
“No.”
She sounded serious, and he felt her hand on his arm. “I said go home.” He shook her arm off and continued trudging up the steps. She didn’t say another word but continued following him. Maybe if he ignored her, she’d take the hint and go away.
“Ethan…” When he got to the top of the stairs, he kept walking toward his apartment. He could hear her behind him, but she didn’t say anything else. He pulled the keys out of his pocket, careful to leave the sandwich bag of product there until she was gone, and slid the key into the lock. “Ethan.”
This time he looked at her, hoping his eyes looked distant and angry. Looking upon her beauty, he didn’t know that he could pull it off, but he had to try. “Go the fuck home, Jenna. I don’t want you here.” He turned and walked into the apartment, pushing the door closed hard, but she wedged her boot against the door jamb and then came inside.
She grabbed his arm. “Ethan, I know what you’re going through. Now is the worst time to shut me out.”
Hearing that, his anger was genuine. He kept his voice low and looked her in the eyes. “You have no fucking idea what I’m going through.”
Bullet Series Box Set Books 1-8 Page 66
