So when Ethan had walked into Brad’s house with Valerie all those years ago, Brad had expected a girl who was more Ethan’s flavor…trashy. He’d never said anything and hated feeling judgmental, but Ethan wound up with skanky girls. Valerie…she was different. She was sweet, intelligent, friendly. But, more than that and something he couldn’t understand, he felt like they had some kind of connection. He’d been drawn to her from the moment she said hi and then stared at the beginnings of what would become a full sleeve on his right arm.
He knew they’d had…something, and for a long time both of them had just pretended it was a best friendship. And they’d finally consummated that burning, consuming need they’d always had for each other and denied. That was it, he’d thought. Finally…years later, they could be together and no one—Ethan included, the guy who’d shit all over her and pissed away any chance he should have had—could say anything about it.
Brad downed another swig of beer. Exactly how had it happened, though, that Valerie had once more wound up in his friend’s arms? But this time, they were engaged to be married. Brad had figured out that Val still loved Ethan because she hadn’t left his side, not once, while he was in that goddamned coma. She loved him in spite of the fact that the guy had jerked her around for way too long. Brad had thought Valerie was really done with his friend. She’d broken up with him, had finally had enough, had even dated a good guy who’d treated her well…a guy Brad would have hated to lose her to. No, Brad hadn’t been too happy about that one either, but at least Jet had treated Valerie with love and respect.
So he’d spent the last week watching Ethan somehow pull her back, like she was a fish with a hook in her mouth. And Brad realized then that what he’d told her all those years ago was true…that he’d wait for her, forever if need be.
What a fucking lovesick dumb ass.
While he’d been sitting in the chair earlier as his tattoo artist permanently colored his skin yet again, he looked at that arrow that he’d asked her to draw. It signified what Valerie had done to him. Somehow she’d struck him in the heart. It felt like an arrow, piercing clean through, and if he pulled it out, he’d die. He knew that. So he’d be happy just so long as she was in his life.
He’d known Karen had had a crush on him ever since he’d had her ink her first tattoo on him—one of a jaguar on his lower abdomen. Earlier tonight, she’d touched his arm more than usual, more than she’d needed to, but she’d finally given up flirting. He knew he’d been sour and quiet. But maybe he should take her up on her offer. He was considering it as he knocked back the remainder of the beer in the glass. He needed something—anything—to drown out the fresh pain he felt from losing Valerie again. Yep…Karen could maybe be just the distraction he’d need.
And he’d continue to wait.
In the meantime, he had to prepare to engage in a difficult conversation, likely to be the hardest one of his whole goddamned life.
* * *
He waited for the perfect moment. If nothing else, Brad really was a patient man. He’d always believed good things came to those who waited, and he had to keep believing it.
Several weeks later, Val was in the kitchen brewing a cup of coffee on a Saturday morning. He’d just gotten out of the shower. He leaned against the counter next to her and said, “Let’s go to Starbucks.” She started to protest. “Don’t worry—the guys will drink it.”
She considered it and nodded. “Just give me a minute.” She went into her bedroom and pulled her hair back. He wondered if she was telling Ethan what she was doing and decided not to worry about it. If Ethan needed to be a part of it, he’d get some news he wouldn’t have wanted to hear.
But Val came out alone, and they walked in silence to his car. He drove the short way to Starbucks and they went inside. She started pulling out her wallet. He knew she was working again, but he wasn’t going to invite her out and then make her pay. “I got this.”
“You sure?”
“Yeah. Mocha, right?” She nodded. They decided to sit outside where it was warm but not yet hot under the umbrella. Brad pulled his sunglasses out from where they dangled off the front of his t-shirt. He needed to hide his eyes from her. He took a deep breath. Prolonging it wouldn’t make it any easier. He and Val had always had an honest relationship, and it wasn’t going to stop now. He just had to force the words out. “Val, I don’t want you to feel bad, okay, but we need to talk.”
She nodded. “Yeah, we do.” He was glad she agreed, so he decided not to pussyfoot around the subject. He was going to hit her with the big guns.
“That night…did it mean anything to you?”
She looked pained, almost on the verge of tears. It almost made him angry. She was sad? Seriously? She spat it out, though. “Yes.”
Well, that was more than he’d hoped for. He hadn’t expected her to say that. He was expecting her to tell him it was a one-night thing, something she’d always wanted to get out of her system, and now that she had, she was free to marry the love of her life. He searched her eyes for truth, and he believed her. She meant it. But now for the harder question. “Do you love him?”
She acted like this conversation was hurting her as much as it was him, and he wanted to get on his knees and beg her, asking why? Why, if she cared so much, was she doing something so fucking stupid? But he wasn’t going to. If she wanted to marry Ethan, he didn’t need to make it harder on her. She sounded desperate. “Why? Why do you want to know?”
He had to stay cool. He couldn’t let on. “I need to know.”
“Why?”
He couldn’t tell her, no, but he didn’t have to lie to her. He had to know her answer, though. So he took a deep breath. How he managed to keep his voice steady and calm, he would never know. All he could figure was it was due to all those years of playing the diplomat, keeping peace amongst his friends and bandmates. And he heard himself as though he were listening to someone else. The words echoed in his head as they escaped his throat. “If you love him, I’ll support your decision, and I’ll never say anything about that night again. Ever.” He took off his sunglasses then and stared her down. This was the most vulnerable she would ever see him and, based on her answer, she might not ever see this part of him again. Because if she loved Ethan, really loved him, then Brad had no business being in the picture at all…and he’d make damned sure he wasn’t. And before he could stop them, his heart made one last bid for hers. “But if you tell me you don’t, I’ll fight for you.”
She inhaled sharply and stared at him, her mouth open, her eyes watery. It took her some time to get the words out, but when she did, it felt like a sledgehammer slamming into his heart. “I love Ethan.”
He nodded and looked out on the traffic. He had to process, but he couldn’t let her see what he was feeling. He sucked more air into his lungs and sipped at his cup of coffee. He didn’t trust himself to say a goddamned word.
Val, smart girl that she was, kept her trap shut. She knew it was heavy. She looked down at the table and said nothing.
She’d just set him on the path he’d follow for the rest of his life. It even sounded melodramatic in his head, but he knew—he knew he’d never love another woman like he loved Valerie. She was the perfect woman in his mind, but her heart would never belong to him. He’d been fucking stupid to ever even hope she could love him. No, she was hopelessly addicted to Ethan. But he couldn’t point a finger, because he was hooked on her just the same.
It was something he had to accept, though. And he’d survive. He always had.
More than that, though, he didn’t want to hurt Val anymore. She’d told him the truth, and he appreciated it. He couldn’t torment her over it. If he really loved her, he’d let her go and let her try to pursue happiness however she needed.
So he took another deep breath and slid his sunglasses back on. “Thanks for being honest with me, Valerie.” He stuck out his hand to shake hers. “Friends?”
She put her hand in his. “Of course. Forever.”
/>
And Brad then knew he had to find a way to live out the rest of his life. Fully Automatic. That was it, all he had left, and he was going to make it if it killed him. He didn’t need a woman.
He hoped it wouldn’t take the rest of his life to convince himself of it.
Chapter Forty-nine
WHEN HE WASN’T driving Fully Automatic forward, he spent the next few months trying to fuck Valerie out of his brain. He’d had more mindless sex in the last three months than he’d ever had before. He was still discreet about it; he couldn’t help but be. Unlike Nick who “didn’t give a fuck where (or who) he fucked,” Brad didn’t need it plastered on a billboard.
He did, however, hope it would do the trick.
After those few months, though, he started feeling hollow, and it bothered him that he’d gone on a path of self-destruction. Sure, he knew it could have been much worse, but he would have derived just as much satisfaction from jerking off in the shower. And some of the women actually made it more difficult, because they didn’t want a one-time thing. He didn’t either, but none of them fit the bill.
None of them would ever fit the bill, and when he realized that, he decided to stop.
It wasn’t fixing a goddamn thing.
He knew, too, that in the back of his mind, he was expecting the next big Valerie-Ethan breakup. Only it never came. This time, there was no arguing, no screaming and yelling matches, no loud, obnoxious fights. And, for the first time ever, he saw Ethan trying to be sober. He was going to classes and staying clean.
As much as Brad wanted to deny it, he knew Valerie was responsible.
It was hard making the transition back to friends only with Valerie. He knew he had to find a way to do it, but it was difficult. The woman didn’t realize how much she’d broken his heart.
By November, his fire had died back to the slow burn it had always been. There was no way to cool it off any further.
One day, he got a text from Jet asking when he had time to talk. He texted back Now, and it was minutes later that Jet was calling him.
“What’s up, man? How you doing?” In a way, he felt like Jet was a better friend today than ever before, because they now had something else in common. But at least Jet hadn’t been dumped so Val could run back to Ethan.
Jesus…he had to stop doing that to himself.
Jet said, “Great. We just finished recording our first album. It’s in post right now, and in a month or so, our first single is going to hit the airwaves.”
“That’s great, man. I can’t think of another band who deserves it more.” Aside from Fully Automatic, of course, but he wasn’t going to piss on Jet’s good news. Brad wondered why he was calling, but knew he’d get around to it in good time. Jet was a lot of things, including cocky, but he wasn’t the kind of guy to flaunt shit in other people’s faces. Brad knew he wasn’t calling just to brag.
“Thanks, Brad. That means a lot coming from you.” Brad heard him take a deep breath. “That’s why I’m calling. I’m sure you know I don’t have a lot of pull, but if you guys are game, I’m going to see if you can play one or two shows with us when we’re around your area. Kind of like the opening act to the opening act?” Jet chuckled.
Brad smiled. “Yeah, we’d definitely be up for that shit. We play all the time anyway.”
“Don’t I know. You drive your band into the ground.”
“You really think so?”
“No…but you have to be the hungriest guy I know. If you don’t make it, there’s something wrong with the world.”
Brad laughed. “Believe me—there’s lots wrong with the world.” God, he was gonna be a downer. He had to shut his mouth. “Seriously, thanks for thinking of us, even if it doesn’t pan out.”
“I’m also plugging you with the powers that be, if you catch my drift. You guys need to be heard from coast to coast. I’m serious. And if these guys listen to reason, you will be.”
“Thanks for that. Sincerely.”
“Least I can do. You made me step up my game.” Brad laughed again, this time long and loud. Jet was one of the best guitar players he knew, and while it was flattering that the man said Brad challenged him, he highly doubted it. “I’m dead serious. I was just fuckin’ around, playing our shows but getting pretty lackadaisical. Then here comes this kid, fresh outta school, playing the guitar like he was born with it in his hands. I watched you. Your goal was never to be the fastest or the loudest. Your goal was precision—you never miss a beat; you never hit a wrong note, even when you’re improvising. You’re good, man, and you made me shoot for that kind of accuracy onstage. You’re impressive as hell, and I shouldn’t be the only one noticing that.”
The air had evaporated from his lungs. He had always liked and respected Jet before, but apparently it went two ways. “Thanks.” He repeated exactly what Jet had said moments earlier. “That means a lot coming from you.”
And, for the first time in a long time, hope was going to fuel the hunger Jet had mentioned.
* * *
Brad wasn’t ready for another tattoo, but he wanted an excuse to see Karen. He was tired of hollow non-relationships. He wanted to give real dating a try again. It had been far too long, and he was beginning to think he’d forgotten how. Hell, yeah, his heart still ached, but Val had made her choice for all eternity. It was time for Brad to move on.
So he headed into his favorite tattoo shop one Saturday afternoon. Karen was working. She was with someone, and the girl at the counter told him another fifteen or twenty minutes. So he walked around, looking first at the body jewelry under the glass counter and then finally sitting down and staring at the television in their sitting area.
When Karen was done with her customer, she sat next to Brad on the couch. “My favorite customer. What’s up, Brad Payne?”
He smiled. Karen’s dark hair was pulled into a high ponytail, showing off a delicate neck tattoo under her right ear. Her personality was rough around the edges, a little too tough and cold, but looks-wise, she was hotter than hell. She was heavily tattooed and pierced and wore a lot of heavy makeup. Hell, she was more Ethan’s type than Brad’s. But the woman had obviously been interested in him for a long time, and he needed to get back up on that horse.
“I’m thinking about getting another tattoo.”
“Yeah? What’d you have in mind?”
He shook his head. “Not sure. I want something on my left shoulder blade. You know, to kind of balance things out back there. I was thinking maybe you could surprise me.”
“How much money we talkin’?”
He smiled. “Let’s see what you come up with. Then you can tell me.”
“Pretty big?”
“Yeah.”
“Bad ass?”
“Of course.”
She smiled at him and nodded. “Give me a week.”
He smiled back and then took a deep breath. “I wanted to ask you another question.”
“What’s that?”
“You seeing anybody?”
She cocked her head a little and her smile widened. “Nobody important.”
“Wanna go out sometime?”
“I’d love to.” Yeah, he hadn’t misread her. So he asked her for her number and promised to call her within the week.
And not a moment too soon, because Ethan and Valerie started planning their wedding.
* * *
One thing Brad could say about Karen—she managed a lot of the time to keep his mind off the impending wedding. Ethan had already made Brad agree to be his best man. He didn’t know that he was the right guy for the job. Yeah, Ethan was his brother and he loved him. The problem was he also loved the bride.
But he agreed, and that was that. The entire Fully Automatic crew would be at the altar on that fateful day. Valerie chose a date in July, because she didn’t want it to interfere with any shows.
The wedding itself wasn’t going to interfere with shows—Brad made sure of that. No, but the fact that there was a wedge between him a
nd Val did. He didn’t know that things would ever feel normal between them again, but, more than that, they had to change things onstage again. Oh, Val continued wearing her skimpy little outfits, but there was no flirting between them anymore. No way was Brad even going to try it, and he was glad Val wasn’t attempting it either. It would have felt awkward and weird…and, no matter how he felt about the whole thing, it would have seemed like they were slapping Ethan in the face. Brad might have thought their marriage was the stupidest, most misguided act in the history of the world, but he respected the idea that she and Ethan were engaged.
Most days, he blamed himself. It was so fucking stupid, and he should have known. Valerie always, always ran back to Ethan. Every fucking time. Sometimes it was almost immediate; this last time, he’d actually believed it would never happen again. What a dumb ass he’d been.
By the time the wedding rolled around, he and Karen were only seeing each other casually. He was glad, because he wasn’t ready to bring a woman to the wedding.
It was hard, but he asked the bride for a dance at the reception afterward. Val looked so fulfilled, so beautiful, that he couldn’t deny her happiness any longer. He wanted her to know things were okay between them.
Val looked almost ready to cry when he asked, and that was when he knew he’d done the right thing. He really had been missing her friendship. He knew, though, that that friendship would never be the same. She was now a married woman and her loyalty would lie, from this point forward, with her husband…exactly where it should. Brad knew he would do well to remember that.
Bullet Series Box Set Books 1-8 Page 127
