If You Were Here
Page 27
48 Also, I’m getting tired of throwing out all my good pans.
49 FYI, kids, flashing gang signs is a lot less scary when you’re wearing mittens. I suggest you either buy gloves or wait until it’s warmer to represent.
50 Apparently in her world, it’s not fourteen degrees outside.
51 Her words, not mine.
52 You know what I mean.
53 Figurative Shat—would that not be an excellent postpunk band name?
54 Which is impossible.
55 Kara’s a nationally syndicated sex and dating advice columnist and not just a conduit for dirty correspondence. When she was pitching her work, I begged her to call the column “The Kara Sutra,” but apparently that’s already a porn site. Damn.
56 Polish for “grandmother.”
57 Like I said, protein is a priority.
58 Earnest money is what you put down in a real estate transaction to secure a buying contract. Typically it’s about five percent of the purchase price, and the point is to show the seller the buyer has skin in the game. Once the house is under contract, the earnest money doesn’t get returned if the buyer flakes out for any reason other than a bad inspection. This public service message has been brought to you by HGTV.
59 Also, Bridget Jones’s Diary is classic literature. Ask anyone.
60 The exact word he used was “moron.”
61 Theoretical, of course.
62 Apparently harvest gold and avocado appliances are not the new black.
63 Yes, I gave in and hired a maid service after this. When the universe drops heavy shit on you, you tend to listen.
64 According to Mac, you never know when you might need to disperse a riot in front of your house.
65 My dad now owns an auto body shop in Ohio. Was he inspired by Keith in Some Kind of Wonderful? Who can say for sure?
66 Literal translation is “my little froggy.” This term of endearment never quite caught on in English.
67 Without the mole. Maybe eighty-one with it.
68 A bean of some sort?
69 Yeah. I went there.
70 Apparently I enjoy “not packing” almost as much as I enjoy “not writing.”
71 The one on 24, not our kitten.
72 What, you don’t have one?
73 Mac says you may as well be firing a staple gun if you’re going to use a .22-caliber weapon.
74 Pun intended.
75 It would be indelicate for me to mention that anyone with $9.99 and a broadband Internet connection could watch Vienna “perform jobs.”
76 I don’t hold Twilight against him.
77 With her pants on. (Blouse optional.)
78 Kara and I have had many a liquid lunch discussing this fact.
79 Particularly Speidi, although who doesn’t hate them just a little?
80 Almost.
81 Note to self—stop reading the paper online.
82 I’ll take three boxes of Samoas and two Thin Mints, please.
83 Bred like rabbits, those people.
84 I see a long, soft sit in my future.
85 Read: shout him stupid.
86 Estimated installation time on the package? Two hours. Actual installation time? Six days.
87 That’s what she said. (Sorry. Couldn’t resist.)
88 Not necessarily in that order.
89 She found their whites to be too “dirt filthy.”
90 Babcia claimed, “God tell give Babcia. You no like? You tell God; I send you see Him.”
91 I might be phrasing this wrong, but my point is, should neighbors really have a say over what kind of mailbox I choose?
92 Yes. And what’s wrong with rosé? It’s delicious!
93 Yes,Ann Marie was right about the “five-pound bag of flour” business, damn it.
94 Oh, Mean Girls Gretchen, I feel your pain.
95 I can’t quite tell.
96 Alaknanda, which means “flawless.”
97 Pun not intended this time.
98 With enough maraschino cherries in it, it’s not bad.
99 Sounds crazy, but that’s how publishing works sometimes.
100 Miriam’s a sucker for durable and decorative cement countertops, but Rebecca’s more of a traditionalist in that she prefers granite with an onyx tile backsplash.
101 Fortunately it was still in its case when the toilet hobbled my desk.
102 Fictional Jake Ryan family, what were you thinking when you installed mauve shag?
103 Remind me to tell you about the Great 2007 Residence Inn by Marriott Free Breakfast Bar Massacre sometime.
104 A Polish version of Crazy Eights.
105 Hard to picture, but trust me, it’s FAB.
106 His expression, not mine.
107 Very cautiously. Oh, so cautiously.
108 You should have seen the look on Ann Marie’s face when she spotted that.
109 After the past two weeks of sanding and staining purgatory, trust me when I say I’d make sure something very bad happened to him.
110 Multiple density fiberboard.
111 Yes, a tetanus shot was in order.
112 And an oyster containing two tickets to that thing I love.
113 The guide told me to.
114 Oh, yeah, baby. Now you’re talking my language.
115 I learned a long time ago it’s best just to eliminate any potential temptations.
116 A sport he normally calls “an excuse for morons to wear ugly pants.”
117 Even though it’s almost impossible to tell.
118 “Not Polish!”
119 And by “we” I mean the management of the Shops at Sunset Place.
120 Oh, so many checks.
121 I never knew there was a younger, even scarier version of Ann Marie until I met her assistant.
122 I didn’t let him pay her, of course, although I suspect she may be the reason his three-hundred-dollar Allen Edmonds loafers went missing on that trip. Poor guy had to head to Christmas dinner in a sport coat and a pair of running shoes.
123 One of my tricks is to always have a pack of her brand in my purse whenever we’re together. Her husband keeps a spare carton in the freezer for the same reason.
124 Oh, honey—sometimes “B” is for “Bitch Be Crazy.”
125 But not Jebediah. Never Jebediah.
126 I miss college.
127 Which essentially calls for us to not exist.
128 And fear of being hobbled.
129 I don’t want to be greedy.
130 As if I wasn’t going to notice all the smoke and extinguisher foam and firemen.
131 Translation: By the order of the Ministry of Defense.
132 Literally.
133 Why do they always fly directly at your hair? Why?
134 All of them white and matching!
135 Or down an uprising—I’m not actually sure which side is paying him.
136 Whom I call Paddy.
137 Whom I call Brawny.
138 Whom I call Sunny.
139 Remember when it used to take, like, ten minutes to cook a hot dog? Those were dark days, my friend.
140 I wonder if this is how the Larry Craig scandal started?
141 Big lake.
142 Your choice.
143 And there’s certainly no reason in the world to have gardeners on staff.You know what? Three months later and that still pisses me off.
144 At least well enough to keep our neighbors from complaining.
145 Ladies, if your man can get in and out of that godforsaken place in less than an hour, please give him a medal or a lap dance or a pie or something. That kind of time management needs to be rewarded.
146 And Google “how much do goats cost?”
147 As opposed to never.
148 Although I’m in no position to argue.
149 Had I known you could write in jail, I’d have taken care of Vienna long ago and then none of this would have ever happened.
150 What Would Mose Do?
151 The good news is, I can fit into my high school jeans again. The bad news is, they’re acid washed.
152 FTR, Stephenie, that’s how I’d describe a meadow.
153 And wasn’t scared of being on the sand at all.
154 Methinks Blair Waldorf would make an excellent zombie.
155 And IP phone line.
156 Meals ready to eat.
157 Heloderma horridum. Come on, is that not the best Latin name you’ve ever heard?
158 Their words, not mine. And yes, I had to choke back a laugh when they said that, too.
159 Or have something bad happen to Vlad’s family. With Babcia, you kind of never know.
160 Like Abington Cambs would ever allow a Laundromat to sully their town green!
161 Apparently this is a big deal.
162 When you give instruction on how an actor’s supposed to say a line, e.g., “dryly.”
163 RIP.
164 Three!
165 Nat’s been very clear that I should not actually verbalize this sentiment.
166 Am scarred from our old bathroom situation.
167 Or nothing.
168 Apparently it wasn’t hard to remove once it was cut in half.
169 And no one fucking forgot it.
170 Yep, still funny.
171 No doubt to pick out Miriam’s bikini.
172 Babcia paid for first class on my solemn word that I would create a role for Kevin Spacey.
173 You don’t spend four years living with someone without learning a few of her tricks.
174 Their words, not ours.
Nonfiction Titles by New York Times Bestselling Author Jen Lancaster
Bitter Is the New Black
Bright Lights, Big Ass
Such a Pretty Fat
Pretty in Plaid
My Fair Lazy