The Vampire Club

by Scott Nicholson

His head rested on a log and two shiny silver bullets lay next to him. The wounds had healed instantly and the not-so-fresh blood from my satchel now circulated through his immortal body. The tank was apparently nearly full.

  Just as mine was. I licked my lips.

  Laumer raised his dark head and looked at me as if he had just risen from a light nap instead of a coma. “Did you kill him?”

  I’d killed many, but I knew who he was talking about. “Yes.”

  “Not good. Should have warned you—”

  “You couldn’t have—”

  “I know. I will tell you now, though. His soul will trouble you forever.”

  “Er, trouble me?”

  “His soul was sucked free by an immortal. He cannot return to another mortal body. You have befouled his entire existence forever. Any chance he has, within the limits of its bodiless spirit, of course, he will haunt you—”

  “That sounds a little annoying.”

  “Don’t worry about it too much. I have three haunting me.”

  “Three?” Maybe I should have studied my vampire lore a little harder.

  “Yeah, sometimes their deaths cannot be helped. It’s not so bad, you get used to it.”

  Easy for him to say.

  “By the way,” I asked. “How did you know I killed him?”

  “My spirit is very much alive in my body, even though it can’t escape, and won’t ever escape no matter what. I am very aware of my surroundings when I go into those damned comas. A moment is like a century—”

  “Yeah, yeah, the whole real-time thing. Got it. But I don’t have all day, so tell me the important stuff.”

  I noticed the professor had pulled a little book from his hip pocket and was busying taking notes. Dial had wandered off to check on his former comrades.

  “I can’t move my physical body yet because I need a refill,” Laumer said.

  “How are you feeling now?” asked the professor.

  “Tired and weak. I need a kill.”

  Why the professor stepped back, I don’t know. I guess, for some people, becoming a vampire seemed more fun in theory than in practice.

  “Don’t worry,” said Laumer. “I’m far from desperate actions and can very much control myself at this point.”

  Yeah. That’s what I’d thought, too, and now I had the intoxicating blood of a filthy vampire-hater coursing through my veins.

  “All dead or disabled,” Dial said, stepping from the trees. “How about we rescue the others and get the hell out of here?”

  “Sweet Janice,” I whispered. My immortal heart did a double skip. Sweet Janice whose radiance inspired even the sun...the sun? I looked up into the sky and the sun looked back. I was standing in an open patch of light as easily as if I were mortal. I said as much to Laumer.

  “The sun will destroy your skin if you stand in it too long. We have no ability to deflect its harmful rays. But yes, properly clothed, we can survive in sunlight, but it’s not desirable.”

  “Guess I’d better stock up on some SPF-50 sunblock.”

  Who said vampires lose their sense of humor?

  Chapter Fifty-six

  “They told us we’d be in jail a long time, until our flesh rotted on our bones and then until the vermin that ate our rotten flesh had died and in turn had their flesh eaten by flesh-devouring insects,” Buddy said.

  “You would have been,” said the professor. “That is, if they hadn’t suggested an alternative to our problem.”

  “Which was?” asked Juan.

  “My magic paper and wand.” And the professor displayed his checkbook and pen as we stood in the lobby of the police station.

  “How much did they demand?” asked Buddy, sounding pissed, obviously forgetting he’d still be in jail if it weren’t for whatever strings the professor managed to pull, or should I say however many numerical digits he managed to fit into that tiny rectangle on his check. I hoped he’d written it on the university expense account, because his salary was for crap.

  “Let’s just say the price was right for freedom, with no records, no nothing,” the professor said. “Your little grave-robbing episode has been forever forgotten by these nice folks. Fortunately, the VVV gave everybody around here the creeps anyway, so they’re happy to be done with the whole thing.”

  “How could we ever pay you back?” This was Janice speaking, and I watched her shuffle fingers through her tousled black hair. She did not seem pleased with her hair’s condition, but it looked fine to me. Fine, indeed. All of her. Especially her neck.

  “You can pay it forward by getting good marks in school and uncovering the great mysteries of the world,” the professor said. “The only thing I ask is not a word is mentioned of this. As you can imagine, the deaths of many civilians—however well-deserved—while on a school-sanctioned trip would not be conducive to the Vampire Club’s future good standing.”

  “Holy shit,” Juan said, glancing at Dial. “What exactly did you do out there?”

  “Some things are better off kept in the closet.”

  “This is the least of our problems,” said the professor. “Because of Dial’s newfound loyalty, we were able to uncover the mystery of the Vampire Laumer.”

  “Bullshit,” said Buddy, always eager to cast a shadow of a doubt even while professing belief. But I guess he wasn’t alone in that.

  Dial’s head was hung low and he avoided everyone’s eyes. “Sorry, guys, I was a little confused there for a while. The lure of power and the prestige of the Inner Circle went to my head. But then my head magically cleared when the winds of love blew away the clouds of doubt.”

  He looked at Juan, who looked at Janice. She looked at me. I shrugged. Young love is always complicated.

  “Now, now,” said the professor quickly. “He helped us as only a true member of the Vampire Club could. Any trace of the VVV has left his system and he’s now a full-blooded member. Now, comrades, I would like you to meet our newest friend. Laumer, would you make your grand entrance now?”

  “But of course,” Laumer said, striding around the corner, tall, gaunt, aristocratic, strong, and with bright eyes. He looked almost as good as I felt. Fully recovered.

  “Friends, this is Laumer,” the professor said. “He is, I should note, a vampire.”

  When their jaws closed and they remembered to blink, the professor proceeded to tell the story. I offered no word or comment.

  And when the professor got to the part where I became a vampire and saved the day, Buddy pointed a finger at me. “I thought there was something different about you.”

  And Janice and Juan nodded in agreement.

  Janice even sidled over to me a little, newfound interest in her eyes.

  I was tempted to go into real time and give her a bunch of smooches, but I wanted her to be there when that magical moment happened.

  And if it didn’t, I could always rip her neck open and take her any way I wanted.

  But I’d never do a thing like that.

  I would never even think it.

  But her neck sure did look sweet.

  Chapter Fifty-seven

  The professor suggested that he and the others go back to the mansion and get our supplies and luggage, since there was no way any VVVer would still be hanging around with their whole campaign seriously having gone to hell. It was something to do and it was better than standing out in the hot sun, even though the members of the Vampire Club were chattering a mile a minute, asking a billion questions.

  “The professor will answer all your questions,” Laumer said. “Andy and I need to talk.”

  He’d entered real time and had swiped a suit down at the local Goodwill, and though it was polyester and a little too ’70s for my taste, it definitely helped him fit in better than the ripped Victorian garb would. He’d also grabbed me an outfit, but I felt a little dorky, hardly like a fearsome creature of the night. I was in low-hanging jeans and a Marilyn Manson T-shirt.

  Laumer instructed Professor L that we would meet th
em at the town’s one and only restaurant in half an hour, and that everyone should go back to the abandoned mansion, pack, and meet us. L agreed and went down the sidewalk with the others, Janice looking back forlornly at me. I was a little dejected because she apparently only found me interesting as a vampire. At one time, I thought it would be absolutely perfect like this, but already I missed the old me, the wimpy, brainy chess champ and vampire nerd, even if Janice would never find me hot without fangs.

  “I’m not even breathing,” I said to Laumer. “I’ve turned into an absolute and utter freak. A monster. My lungs just sit here in my ribs, their only purpose now to push air along my voice box and make me say stupid things. That is, when I am not busy sucking the blood out of some helpless living creature.”

  I pressed my hand against my chest. My heart was still beating—if you wanted to call it that. I had counted its beats per minute during the drive from the woods to the police station.

  Eight. My heart beat only eight times per minute, its only job to pump sick sustenance through my body, not to feel or hope or love.

  “I can tell you’re going to have issues,” Laumer said, laying a paternal hand on my shoulder. “Besides the fact that you can no longer lead a normal life, what’s wrong, Andy? Isn’t this all you ever wanted?”

  I shrugged away from his grip and he looked a little wounded. “Look at me, Laumer. I’m still human. I can still lead a normal life!”

  He led me out of the station’s parking lot and we headed down a paved road no wider than my sidewalk at home in California. My former home, I supposed, because I couldn’t see ever going back.

  “Old habits die hard,” Laumer said. “Like you, I once clung to the illusion that I could blend in, that it was even desirable to walk with the crowd, even if the crowd was mundane.”

  “Believe me, I have hardly begun thinking as a vampire. Believe me again, this immortality crap ain’t sinking in.”

  “It might never, but I believe it will. Denial only causes pain. Look at the conflict Dial experienced until he surrendered to his true nature. With time, from your acts and thoughts, you will realize you are no longer human and never will be again.”

  “Can’t you see how shitty that sounds?”

  The vampire looked at me and I realized that he did not blink. Shit. There went another bodily function. I couldn’t help but glance down beneath my waist and wonder.

  “How old are you, Andy?”

  “Twenty-one.”

  We came upon a feed store, then a drug store. The restaurant was next to it, which made me wonder if I could sit down to a big plateful of eggs like in the good old days. Yesterday. I realized the good old days had been yesterday.

  “A hundred years from now, two hundred, you will have forgotten what it is like to be human,” Laumer said. “I have. Yet now you are bringing up the memories from the abyss of my thoughts—perhaps not memories, but reminders of what it must have been like knowing that death and pain and sickness would be waiting for me. To know that my body would someday perish and decompose. I intellectually grasp that I used to fear that.”

  “Fear. Yeah, fear is awesome.”

  “Andy, did you fear death?”

  I noticed he’d used past tense. “I’ve been curious about it, but I didn’t expect to have to worry about it for a long, long time. Death is for old farts. I’ve got college to finish, a career to start, a marriage to enjoy, kids to raise, retirement to plan. Normal stuff, you know?”

  We entered the restaurant, quite a pair. A couple of truckers gave us the once-over, but I guess we weren’t as weird as all those camouflaged Mayan statues that had been wandering through town.

  The battle-ax waitress met us just inside the door. “Table for two?”

  “Yes, ma’am,” said Laumer politely and with considerable charm. I noticed he smiled by lifting his upper lip slightly, showing just a little teeth. Just a little. His eyes also sparkled with a red tinge.

  She fluffed up and beamed and led us brightly to a table in the middle of the floor, which was fine with me. The sun was doing something strange to my skin, and I didn’t want to discover what would happen if stayed too long in it.

  “You guys ain’t from around here?” she said, eyeing our clothes.

  “We’re travelers in your fair land,” Laumer said.

  “Beautiful accent. It sounds so romantic and old.”

  “Thank you, ma’am.”

  “Can I get you gentlemen anything?”

  “Water for the two us, and don’t worry, we won’t forget you on the way out.”

  She frowned, but I guess Laumer gave her the old eye-glare thing, because she nodded and went to get it.

  “Always drink water when you can,” he said.

  I leaned forward, sniffing for eggs. “Why?”

  “We can’t digest anything but blood. Anything we eat passes straight through us. The simpler the food and drink, the simpler the passage.”

  “Great. And that’s the only thing I get to use my penis for?”

  “There are certain...advantages,” he said.

  “At least there’s some good news.”

  “You are one of the privileged, Andy. You have learned of our ways because you worship them. And in worshipping, you become the thing you worship.”

  “Wait a sec. Vampires are gods?”

  He lifted a filthy fingernail. For all his manners, the man’s hygiene was still two centuries behind. “Don’t complicate things by trying to give them names.”

  “Cool. I’m not a vampire, then. I’m a squirrel. Squeaky squeak squeak.”

  “Those who seek true knowledge find it, and then they become it.”

  Where was the professor when you needed him?

  “So what’s with the soul thing?” I said. “When you were feasting on me—”

  “Sharing, Andy. We were sharing a great gift.” He almost blushed, which would have been something, given how pale he was.

  “Anyway, when I left my body and then was pulled back down, it was almost like I was born backward. Unborn, in a way.”

  “The soul is forever. But a soul is not one single entity in one single time. It evolves just like anything else in nature.”

  “Christ. So now you’re saying this is natural.” I zapped into real time, ran over and plucked a bit of apple pie from the end of a fat man’s fork, and sat back down. The man shoved the empty fork in his mouth and then looked at it in surprise.

  “How come you didn’t die when all your blood leaked out?” I asked.

  “A vampire will never be completely without his blood. Some remains, even if the human eye cannot see it.”

  “Microscopic?”

  “Huh?”

  “Sorry. Twentieth century terminology.”

  The ground beneath me began to rumble and shake. I looked out a dirty window and saw a Bronco battle cruiser easing into a couple of spots. Dial was the first one in. He slammed through the glass door, followed by the others.

  I waved at Janice and she pretended to study the menu on the wall behind the counter. Dial slid into the seat next to me. Juan sat right next to him.

  “They’re gone, all right,” Dial said. “Everything. All the files, maps, everything.”

  “And guess what?” blurted Buddy, right behind, not quite daring to sit next to the Vampire Laumer, perhaps out of both respect and fear. “The bodies are gone, too. Every one of them. There isn’t a trace of them anywhere. It looks like a peaceful old house in the middle of a nature preserve.”

  “They’ll be back,” Laumer said. “The VVV will never rest after this.”

  The professor, bringing up the rear, nodded grimly.

  Janice finally came over to the table and looked at me, but she somehow avoided meeting my eyes. “Can we talk?”

  Chapter Fifty-eight

  Leaving the group to their orders of eggs, bacon, beefsteaks, and waffles, Janice and I walked quietly into the woods across the street. I noticed she was breathing quick and hard, a
nd somehow I knew it wasn’t out of uncontrollable passion for Andy Barthamoo.

  She reached out and touched my arm, tentatively at first, and finally she wrapped her small hand around my wrist. I couldn’t tell if she was embracing it or testing it for consistency the way you would a slab of market cheese.

  “So how does it feel?” she asked.

  “Good, but you can try wrapping it around something else if you want.”

  “No, you pervert. I mean, how does it feel to be a vampire?”

  “It’s okay.” I wanted to shout out how cool and sexy it was, but I was still a little depressed. It’s hard to hit on your best sweetie when you’re in the dumps. Being undead didn’t help, either.

  “Is it like we always imagined?”

  “Yes and no. Yes, I know I will live forever. Yes, I have incredible powers. Yes, I suck blood. No, we never asked the question of the soul: what happens to the human soul when the body is transformed? It is trapped, forever. I will never experience life in the spiritual form again.”

  “You’ve learned all this in just a night?”

  “In just a night I became immortal. As you know—”

  I wanted to choke up, because I knew I should be sad about it. But I only knew it intellectually. I didn’t feel it deep inside. “I was killed last night—by my own sacrifice and choice, yes, but nonetheless killed. I saw myself leave my physical body. I was confused yet refreshed somehow. But my soul was sucked down, pulled by an unholy force back into my body. It did not go willingly, Janice, and believe me, my soul is restless. I have no center, no foundation, nothing but time and thirst.”

  “Hey, small price to pay—”

  “Janice, this isn’t a game anymore. I am no longer one of you. I’m beginning to notice that I no longer think in mortal terms. In my head, in my thoughts, death is not a factor in anything I do, in either the long run or short run. So life has lost its meaning.”

  “Yes, Andy. I can tell you’ve changed. You’ve changed into an asshole!”

  “What?”

  “You’re a fucking vampire, dammit. This is what we’ve wanted to be. I wanted to be. Still do.”