Which was smart, she told herself. That’s what they’d agreed to when he’d left her on her doorstep after a brief, but potent kiss that had left her lips tingling and her body humming.
Slow, she told herself again, mainly in an attempt to stop the worried sensation that had been growing gradually but insistently with every hour that had passed without a word from Cole.
But then, she hadn’t reached out either.
Because they were taking it slow! Good grief, how many times did she have to remind herself of that fact?
Apparently once more, at least.
The cool down was typically a time in rehearsals when the tempo decreased, when sweaty and exhausted dancers gratefully stretched it out as they slowed down their bodies and their heart rates. But try telling that to a bunch of elementary school girls who had more energy than the sun. She and Ellen exchanged frazzled but amused smiles as they tried to keep the girls in line for the final moments of class.
“It’s time to relax, girls,” Claire said. “Let your heart rates return to normal and allow your muscles to stretch and return to normal after such hard work.”
Claire was partially talking to herself. She needed to take her own advice and get her heart rate under control. But that was easier said than done with Cole watching from the corner.
Finally the class came to an end and girls rushed in every direction to gather their belongings and meet their parents whose cars would be parked at the end of the drive. Ellen came over to where she stood, bracing herself against the gusty breeze that came in through the open barn door. Her gaze moved meaningfully between her and Cole. “June and I will wait for you in the car.”
Her voice went up at the end and Claire realized her friend was making sure she wanted to be alone with Cole, which made her burgeoning panic grow out of control. Did Ellen sense some tension between them? Is that why he hadn’t reached out?
She shook her head slightly before turning to her friend.
They. Were. Taking. Things. Slow.
Jeez, one date with Cole Deckland had turned her into an insecure teenager. This was ridiculous. She was a grown woman, if she had doubts about him and his intentions then she would ask him about it, like a grown up.
She managed a smile for Ellen’s sake. “That would be great, thanks. I won’t be long.”
She hoped she wouldn’t be long, at least. Long meant that they were having “the talk,” which she definitely did not want. She might not have figured out what she was doing with her life or what she wanted in general, but she knew without a doubt that what she had with Cole made her feel more alive and more like herself than she’d felt in a really long time.
She wouldn’t let that go easily. As she made her way over to him, she wiped her palms on her yoga pants, inexplicably nervous about talking to him. This was still Cole. Nothing had changed since he’d held her in his arms and gazed up at the stars with her the other night.
At least, nothing had changed for her.
He straightened as she approached, standing up straight rather than leaning against the wall. He was wearing a hunter’s cap and his hands were stuffed into the pockets of his leather jacket.
Funny, she’d never seen him wearing a hunter’s cap before. It shouldn’t go with the leather jacket biker look he had going, but somehow he made it work. Kind of like Cole himself, the mix was a blend of down home charm with a streak of danger. Cole might not know how he fit in back in Lulu but she saw it. He fit here, in his own unique way—a way that was his alone. As she sidled up next to him, she felt a surge of warmth in her chest at the thought.
He was special. Such a crazy awesome blend of charming, sexy, dangerous, and sweet. He was rugged and soft all at the same time. A wanderer and a homebody. Her man was one big contradiction but he made it work.
His slow grin faded as she reached his side. “Are you all right?”
Her man. The phrase had popped into her head so naturally, as if it was a given. As if it were somehow right and proper. Her man. The phrase shocked her to her core and, judging by Cole’s look of concern, that shock was clearly printed on her face. She’d never thought of anyone as her anything, except maybe her mama. But that was different, and she’d thought it was unique to their family bond.
But here she was, thinking of Cole as hers after only one date. She could only imagine how that feeling would grow if they stayed together for weeks, or even months. A flash of how close they could be made her breath catch. The kind of intimacy she already felt around him would grow exponentially the more time she spent in his company.
And what if she left? Could she even leave if this attachment grew much stronger?
“Claire?” Cole’s brows drew together as he reached out for her. “Sweetheart, are you all right?”
Sweetheart. Cole Deckland called her sweetheart.
Oh dear. This man would be the death of her. Just that term of endearment had her giddy all over again. She shook her head. The other stuff she could deal with later, if and when it was necessary. At the moment she had no plans to go anywhere or do anything other than enjoy her time here in Lulu while she was here.
And that meant enjoying her time with Cole. Take each moment as it came and worry about the rest when it arrived, not before.
Although, that philosophy sounded suspiciously like her mother’s, and look how much trouble that had gotten her into. Warning bells started to ring but she drowned them out by smiling up at Cole. “I’m fine,” she said, a bit too loudly. “Just fine.”
His eyes narrowed. “Do you know you have a habit of telling me you’re fine when you’re uncomfortable about something?”
She bit her lip as heat flushed her cheeks.
His chuckle was low, soft, and utterly affectionate. “Sweetheart, if you’re having doubts about us, or about the future, I want you to be able to talk to me about it.”
She looked down at their feet.
“To be honest,” he said slowly. “I’m having doubts myself.”
She watched as his feet shuffled in the hay, her heart zigzagging about in her chest before she managed to pry her gaze up to meet his. Pain lanced through her as he confirmed her worst suspicions. “You are?”
He nodded, his eyes unusually serious. “Not about how I feel about you,” he clarified, and she felt her heart thump wildly in response. “But after the other night, I guess I got a bit… scared.”
Her eyes widened and he let out a huff of humorless laughter. “That’s not easy to admit, but it’s the truth.”
She swallowed the thick lump in her throat. “Scared about what?”
He reached out and pushed a stray curl out of her face. “About the future. About how bad it’ll hurt if you leave. About…” He paused and she raised her brows, silently prompting him to continue.
“About whether you deserve better.”
Her lips parted on a gasp but he shook his head before she could say anything. “No, don’t feel like you need to say anything. Nothing has changed between us and I know that.” His voice was grim, resigned. “The future is still unclear between us, as it has been from day one.”
He surprised her with a wicked smile. “But then, I guess the future is always unclear, isn’t it? That’s the beauty of life, I suppose. The mystery of it all.”
Claire found herself thinking of Ellen and her unexpected loss. “The mystery can be beautiful or tragic,” she murmured.
He nodded as if he knew exactly where her mind had gone. Maybe he did, he always did seem to be on the same wavelength. Even now, his doubts mirrored her own. She owed him the truth in return.
“I’m having my doubts too,” she said, her voice little more than a whisper. She found herself echoing his words, “Not about how I feel about you.” She swallowed down nerves. He deserved for her to be as honest as he was. “If anything, the way I feel about you is what scares me the most.”
His eyes widened slightly and he reached out for her, pulling her close so her head was tucked against his chest as his arms
wound around her waist. “Oh, sweetheart, I know exactly what you mean.”
She nodded. She knew he would. “I’m afraid that what I’m feeling will alter my decisions. That I’ll make the wrong choices. I’m afraid….” She almost couldn’t bring herself to say the next part. She didn’t want to hurt him and she didn’t want to feel like she was betraying her mother, but if she was being honest, she had to be completely honest. “I don’t want to make my mother’s mistakes.”
She felt him stiffen and guilt had her clinging to his jacket, unable to lift her head for fear of the hurt she’d see in his eyes at that.
But it wasn’t hurt she heard in his voice, just more grim resignation. “Are you afraid that I’d be like your father? That I’d hightail it out of here at the first sign of hard times?”
That had her pulling back so quickly she nearly stepped on his toes. “No!” She practically shouted the word. Thankfully they were alone in the barn because her emotions were running too high for her to hold back. “That’s not what I was referring to.”
Doubt clouded his gaze and she hated that. “I swear that’s not what I meant.” She shook her head, trying to get the words straight. “Yes, that is a fear I’d had in the past about men in general. But never about you.”
She put her hands on his chest, forcing him to meet her gaze. She knew he saw himself as a failure because he’d run from responsibility before, but she needed him to know that she knew him better than that. She saw the real Cole, and she knew that his heart was pure and his soul was strong.
“I wouldn’t fear that with you,” she said softly, hoping her words and her eyes conveyed the truth.
He squeezed her waist gently. “I wouldn’t blame you if you did.”
She sighed at the sadness in his tone, the universe of guilt held within those words. “My father and my mom’s other boyfriends… yes, they were cowards who ran away when the going got tough. But I know you wouldn’t do that. You are stronger than anyone I know.”
He let out a little sound of disbelief and she clutched his jacket, wishing she could shake him to make him see what she saw. “It’s true. Coming back here, making amends? That takes strength. Owning your mistakes and making them right… that’s hard work, but you’re doing it. You’re not taking the easy way out, not at all.”
He seemed to brighten a bit at her words, some of the pain easing from his eyes. “If that’s not what you meant, then what is it you’re afraid of?”
She licked her lips, hating herself for feeling this way, but needing to get it out in the open. “I’m afraid that, like my mother, I’m going to make life decisions based on the fact that I like a guy.”
She couldn’t read his gaze but she felt compelled to add quietly, “That I really like a guy.”
That got a small smile out of him and after a second he nodded. “I think I get it. You have a lot of big decisions on your plate and you don’t want what we have to sway you from making the right decision for you.”
She let out a long breath. “Yes, exactly.”
He nodded again. “I get it. I do.” She felt his chest rise and fall under her hands. “And honestly, I’m afraid of that too, for you. I don’t want to be what stands in your way of living the life you were meant for.”
They stood there in silence for a moment, each apparently lost in thought.
When she looked up, she found him gazing at her with such tenderness it made her chest ache with a longing she couldn’t quite name. “So,” she said as she let out a long breath. “What do we do?”
He parted his lips to speak and she found herself tensing in his arms. Don’t push me away. Don’t say we need to be apart. Even though she knew it would be the sensible answer, she also knew hearing those words would crush her.
“We could stay apart,” he said slowly, but she saw the distaste written all over his face, just as his obvious displeasure tinted his voice.
“I don’t want that,” she said quietly.
His exhale was a sigh of relief. “Neither do I.” He gave her a grin that melted away the last of her fears that he would insist on parting. “Then I say we do what we’d said we do. We enjoy the time we have together. We take it as it comes.”
She nodded. That was what they’d agreed to. They’d known that this could be complicated, but maybe it didn’t need to be. Once again her mind flashed to Ellen, her heartbreak and her courage, and her perspective shifted yet again. She saw their situation with a new clarity, one that gave her the courage to face her fears. Running her hands over the soft leather of his jacket, she glanced up at him with a small smile of her own. “Okay, let’s do this. Let’s just take it day by day and appreciate the time that we have together.” She almost said while it lasts but stopped herself just in time. That sounded too final even to her own ears. It sounded like it wouldn’t last long, and right now, whether it was right or wrong, she wanted what they had to last for a long time.
Maybe forever.
A thrill of excitement and fear shot through her, making her knees weak. Was she really thinking about forever with this man? That was crazy. They’d only been on one date.
One date, but it felt like so much more. It seemed to her that their connection started long before that date, maybe even before she’d left Lulu in the first place. Sure, it had been a childish teenage crush back then, but even then those feelings had been intense, a flame of passion compared to the lackluster feelings she’d had for the men she’d dated since.
He surprised her by cupping her chin in his hand and tilting her face up to his.
“So we enjoy what we have,” he echoed. “While it lasts.”
She flinched slightly at his use of the phrase she’d purposefully avoided. But she couldn’t blame him for saying it. It was the truth. She didn’t know what she would do with her future, she didn’t know when or if she would leave. She couldn’t blame him for bracing himself for that eventuality, and it was probably for the best that he did.
She couldn’t stay in Lulu and follow in her mother’s footsteps, not after working her whole life to get out from under that life and do something great. “How do you suggest we do that?” she asked, hoping her smile concealed any remainder of her doubts and fears.
His grin broadened. “We eat.”
She blinked at him. “Excuse me?”
He shrugged and pulled her tighter to him so she was warm and cozy in his arms. “We both need to eat, don’t we? Why don’t you stay for dinner?”
A shocked laugh escaped her at his easy acceptance of their odd relationship status. How very Cole to accept what she had to give without guilt or pressure. She wrapped her arms around his neck and went up on her tiptoes to place a light kiss on his lips. She was one lucky woman to have this time with Cole… for however long it lasted.
“So?” he asked teasingly when she pulled back. “Is that a yes to dinner?”
She shook her head, but she was smiling too. His good spirits always had been infectious. “I can’t,” she said. “I already told Ellen and June that I’d have dinner with them.”
“Ah,” he said. “Then how about tomorrow? Your car should be done by then. How about I pick you up and take you to Marty’s to get your car, then we can come back here and I’ll feed you.”
She grinned. “That sounds perfect.”
And it did. It sounded wonderful.
Almost too good to be true.
* * *
A couple hours later, Ellen dropped her off at her home while June whined in the backseat. “You can’t go home yet,” she said to Claire as she opened her car door. “We have to play another game of Scrabble.”
Claire went to respond that she’d have to take a raincheck but Ellen beat her to it. “Junebug, it’s almost your bedtime. Let Claire go home and get some rest and the two of you can play some more another time.”
June sighed dramatically but she went back to playing with a toy in the backseat without further complaint.
Ellen’s eyes were dancing with la
ughter as she leaned over to say goodbye. “You made quite an impression.”
Claire shrugged. “I’ve got mad Scrabble skills, what can I say?”
Ellen laughed as Claire shut the door and then waved goodbye on her way into the bar. A few regulars shouted out a greeting as she hurried through to the entrance leading upstairs to her apartment. She waved in return, giving the bartender on duty a wave of greeting. But she never slowed down. It was a long day between working the bar and dance class. Her ankle was better but it still took a toll if she was on her feet all day.
Not to mention the emotional exhaustion. That conversation with Cole had drained her, even though by the end she’d been glad they’d talked. They might have left things on a positive note, but right about now, she wanted to take a long, hot bath and let her mind relive those precious moments when his eyes had been so tender, his affection for her so clear.
Goodness, she might be turning thirty this year but she was still a lovestruck teenager when it came to Cole Deckland. She laughed at her own silliness as she let herself into her apartment, shivering as she went over to turn up the heat and turn on a few lamps.
She’d just gotten herself settled when her phone rang. It was getting late for phone calls so she assumed it was Ruby, calling to check in or talk about bar business.
But when she looked at her phone, she stopped short, freezing midway between the kitchen and her bedroom. Heat and cold flooded her body at the name of her former mentor at the academy. James Lucas? She hadn’t spoken to him in years. Yes, he was one of the people who’d reached out after the accident, and one of many she’d emailed back last week. But she hadn’t honestly expected him to reply, especially not via phone.
It had already rung three times. Once more and it would go to voicemail.
Did she want that? Yes. But also no. She wanted desperately to avoid talking to James, for so many reasons she couldn’t begin to name. But curiosity ate at her. Why was he calling? What did he want?
She swallowed down the nerves. Only one way to find out.
She answered at the last possible moment. “Hello?”
Dancing Queens & Biker Kings: Sweet & Rugged in Montana Page 16
