by Laura Ward
My exhale was shaky. “Can I talk to you about it in the morning? Please?”
She shook her head and lifted her hand, almost like she wanted to reach for me. “You’re obviously upset. Did that boy do something?”
I lay back on my bed and closed my eyes. My head ached with the incessant pounding from crying so much in the car. I felt so sick it was a miracle that I hadn’t thrown up on my duvet. Regardless, admitting the truth to her in the morning would be no less painful or raw. Better to just get it over with while I was already a hot mess. I needed to talk. And she was the only one I could confide in right now.
“Liam is…” I stopped speaking. How could I say the words to her? She hated Liam based solely on his clothes and surly attitude. Both of which I found sexy as hell. I didn’t want to give her any other reasons to hate him.
“Liam is what?” Mom grabbed my hand. “Tell me what’s going on. You’re scaring me.”
“Don’t freak out.” I sat up and squeezed her hand, begging her with my eyes not to make this any worse than it already was. “I found out tonight that Liam is Declan’s stepbrother.”
Mom shot off the bed. “What?” Her hands framed her face, and she paced the floor. “How can that be? How did you not know this?” She turned toward me, her expression one of disgust and accusation.
I bit my bottom lip, my stomach clenching with the pain of Liam’s betrayal. He knew my grief, my loss, and my fears… and yet he still let me fall for him. I should hate him. But even though he’d lied to me, I couldn’t hate him. I wanted to protect him from my mother’s judgment, and that confused the hell out of me.
“He was afraid to tell me, and I never suspected the truth. Why would I? Liam’s not from around here, so not even my friends knew who he really was. And he has a different last name. There was no way I would have made the connection. I never even watched or read the news after Sam died.” I took in a shaky breath.
“Declan’s family wasn’t mentioned in any of the articles or stories,” Mom said quietly. “We knew his parents’ names, but your father didn’t want to press charges against the family. That wasn’t going to bring Sam back, it would have just prolonged the grieving. For everyone.”
My mother worried her fingers together, quiet for once, as she stared off into the dark corners of my room.
“I saw Declan’s picture at his house. That’s when the truth came out. I don’t think he ever wanted me to know.” My words trailed off into the charged air between us. I watched my mom process my confession.
She stood ramrod straight and then sank onto the bed in a heap. “I know I’ve asked a lot of you since Sam died.” She pressed her fist to her mouth, her eyes blinking rapidly. “It’s just that I needed you to not fall apart because I didn’t have the strength to hold all of us together. It took every ounce of my energy to get out of bed and put one foot in front of the other. And your father—”
I nodded, another tear running down my face. This was the most she’d ever said to me about her grief.
“Your dad’s heart broke in half when Sam died. It almost destroyed him, and I’m worried that the cancer just might…” She paused, unable to finish her thought. I didn’t want her to. I worried about it enough for the both of us. “We’re what’s keeping him going while he gets his treatments. You know that, right?” Mom brushed her own tears away with a trembling hand. She was failing, for the first time, to keep herself in check.
“I know, Mom.” I wrapped my arms around my legs and rested my chin on top of my knees. Seeing her falling apart gave me the push I needed to swallow down my own feelings. One of us had to be strong.
“I have to ask you this, Alexis. I have to beg you for this.” She folded her still trembling hands in her lap. “I need you to stop seeing that boy. His brother killed Sam. And if your father knew that, if he saw you with him, he’d be constantly reminded of what has been taken from us. It would…” She didn’t finish, but she didn’t need to. I knew what she meant. It would destroy him.
“Mom—” I tried to stop her, to calm her, but she cut me off.
“Let me finish.” She held up her hand. “We have to protect your father right now. I need you to do whatever you can to keep stress out of his life so he can get better. He’s suffered enough at the hands of Declan Murphy.” A sob broke free from her pursed lips.
I crawled across the bed and wrapped my arms around her. “Dad is my priority right now. I promise you.” That’s all I could manage to say. I couldn’t promise to stop my feelings for Liam because as hurt as I was, my heart had a mind of its own. But I was also determined to do whatever I could to help my dad get better. To protect him.
“Thank you,” she croaked out. She allowed me to hug her, and for the first time in my life, we cried together. We shed tears for Sam, for Dad, and for ourselves. We cried for everything that could have been but was stolen from us in one night of drunken stupidity.
I had no idea just how much life could suck.
***
On my second day of college, I found out why so many people were addicted to coffee. I had stayed up late talking to Taren and Julie, texting Liam, and enjoying my first taste of freedom. Then I had tossed and turned all night thinking about my dad. When we went to the cafeteria the next morning, I watched Julie dump vanilla-flavored creamer into a steaming mug of coffee, and it smelled fantastic.
I made one for myself, and that first sip was warm and delicious. It was the jolt of caffeine, though, that was the final nail in the coffin of my newfound addiction. Soda was never that powerful, and coffee had been my best friend ever since.
The morning after Liam’s secret was revealed, I needed my bestie more than ever. I poured a huge mug, added a generous amount of creamer, and picked up the handwritten note on the kitchen table.
Dad and I are at church. We wanted to let you sleep. We’ll drive you back to school after lunch.
Love, Mom
My shoulders relaxed knowing I’d have the morning to myself to regroup. I needed that reprieve. I needed to make sure I could act normal in front of my dad and not let anything about Liam and Declan slip out. If I was going to protect my dad from Liam’s secret, I was going to do it right.
I couldn’t go to church and give thanks right now. If I set foot in God’s house today, I was more likely to scream, curse, and demand answers that I would never get.
Are you angry too, Sam? Help me to understand all of this. I’m so confused.
The doorbell rang, and my stomach turned. I couldn’t think of anyone other than Liam who would come to see me right now.
I was still in the same jeans and shirt I wore the night before. I swiped my thumb under each eye, wiping away any mascara or eyeliner remnants. I wasn’t sure why I bothered since the last glance I had made in the mirror this morning proved I was a disaster.
I opened the door, and Liam jerked back in surprise. Was he expecting my mom? Or was he thinking I would leave him standing out there?
He looked as bad as I felt. His hair was wild and unkempt. His clothes, also the same as the ones he wore last night, were wrinkled. His face was pale, almost gray, and under his green eyes were dark circles.
“Lex, thank God. I’m so glad you answered, baby.” Each word he spoke was raw and full of pain. I felt the same way.
“We should talk.” I motioned to the swing on my front porch. “My parents are going to be home from church soon.” My words were laced with sadness. Liam’s face fell as he listened to me, but he nodded and followed me to the swing.
He sat next to me, turning his body to face mine. “You mean so much to me, Lex. You know that. I care about you more than I’ve cared about anyone in my entire life.” His eyes searched mine. “I know I should have told you about Declan, but I… I was too fucking scared.”
“I understand,” I said in a quiet voice.
Hope flared in his green eyes. “I know I can’t change what happened, but I will do anything to prove you can trust me. Please forgive me.” He
reached for my hands, but I pulled them away, folding them in my lap. He clenched his jaw and looked away, his eyes focusing on the stone wall over my shoulder.
“I didn’t sleep at all last night,” I said. Liam turned back to me, locking his eyes with mine. “I laid awake thinking about everything. About us.” He nodded, his hands fisted by his sides. “I don’t know much anymore, but I do know you didn’t mean to hurt me.”
Liam blew out a breath. “Thank God.” He dragged his hands down his face. “I was so worried—”
“But we can’t be together.” I cut him off. His head dropped, and my heart sank into the pit of my stomach. “You will always be important to me. You’re my first… everything. But you lied to me. And now that I know the truth… we can’t overcome that.”
He groaned in frustration. “Yes, we can. Lex, I swear we can get past this. I promise we can.” He sat with his elbows on his knees, hands clasped so tightly together that his knuckles were white. “Please.” He was looking up at me with such a tortured expression that my heart was ripping itself in two. One half for my family, one half for him.
I shook my head. I would protect my family, no matter the cost. I couldn’t ask them to accept this. Not now. “Your brother and my sister… that truth will always be there. I just… you would be a reminder of what my family lost. We can’t be together, Liam. It’s not possible. I can’t do that to my parents, especially not when they are dealing with my dad’s illness.”
His expression crumbled. If I had stabbed him in the chest, I don’t think it would have hurt him as much as my words did. My heart, hell, my whole body ached from my words, and I wanted nothing more than to give in to him. I wanted to curl up in his arms and kiss and touch him. I wanted to love him and let him love me. I wanted to run away with him and pretend none of this had ever happened. I wished that he was just Liam, and I was just Lex, and there were no dead siblings, no grieving parents, and no battles against cancer.
But that was impossible. My family was ruined by his brother. I couldn’t see how Liam and I could survive that fact. I couldn’t imagine hurting my parents even more than they already were. If I had to sacrifice my happiness to give them a chance to survive the shitty hand of fate we’d been dealt, I would. I had to. Declan had killed my sister. I couldn’t let his memory destroy my parents too.
“No.” Liam grabbed my hands in his. “Don’t say that. We’re not over.”
I hated hurting Liam, but I couldn’t drag this breakup out in a slow torture. It wasn’t fair to him to let him think there was still hope. He meant too much to me. I wouldn’t lead him on.
“Dating you would be like rubbing salt in my parents’ wounds.” I hated saying those words—even if he never told me about Declan, Liam shouldn’t have to be responsible for his stepbrother’s actions. And yet… “You would be a constant reminder of what he took away from us.”
Liam shook his head furiously, a tortured sound coming from deep in his chest.
A lump formed in my throat, making it hard to speak. “I have to protect the family that I still have. Please understand that, Liam.” The words sliced me open. I didn’t want to say good-bye to him, but distance was the only answer. If I saw him again, I wouldn’t be able to stay strong. I would want him. And I would end up hurting my parents and betraying my sister’s memory.
Liam slid off the swing and sank onto the porch in front of me, his forehead resting on my knee. His large body shook, and I knew he was crying. Tears streamed down my face, and I had to swallow back my nausea, force myself to make a clean break no matter how much I didn’t want it.
I stood up, and he looked at me from his position on the ground, on his knees, his face carved by pain. “We both have to move on.”
Without another word I forced myself to walk away. I denied myself a final look back. I shut the front door behind me and at the same time closed off what remained of my heart. As I stood on the other side of the door, I realized just how true the words break up were. At that moment, my heart, my life, my happiness were all broken, and it felt a little like death had visited again. Strange how my heart could keep fighting when it was so utterly mangled time and time again.
I left Liam there, alone on my porch. And right along with him, I left my soul. I knew, with every ounce of me, that I would never get over Liam O’Connell.
Chapter Sixteen
When I came through the door and tossed my overnight bag onto my bed, Taren looked up, her eyes widening. She glanced at the time on her laptop. “Hey, Lex! I wasn’t expecting you back so early. I thought you’d be spending all day with that hunky boyfriend of yours.”
I swallowed tightly and was surprised to find it easier not to cry now than it had been that morning. The painful stab of loss was there, but I could also feel myself building up a tolerance to the constant ache. Last spring I had been a broken mess. Over the summer Liam had put me back together, and even though I was now faced with losing him, I refused to fall apart again. I couldn’t.
“Liam and I broke up.” I unzipped my bag and pulled clothes and toiletries out, stuffing them back where they belonged in my closet.
There was a full minute of silence, and when I glanced up from my open bag, I found Taren staring at me in shock, her mouth hanging open. “What happened?” Her voice was quiet like she thought I might crumble in front of her if she breathed too hard.
I shrugged. I hated lying to Taren. She had already become one of my closest friends, but I couldn’t tell her the truth. Sam, Declan, and Liam were too painful to bring out here in college, in the one place I could escape. “We had a fight. It just wasn’t working out.”
Taren pushed up out of her chair and came across the room to stand next to me. She put her hand on my arm, and that gentle touch was almost enough to unravel my control. “I know you said you had a lot going on back home. If you need to talk about it, I’m here.”
I forced a smile to my mouth as I met her concerned gaze. “I know, Taren. Thanks. Don’t take it the wrong way. I’m just… private. I’d rather not talk about it.”
Taren pulled me into a hug. “I get it, Lex.” She squeezed me a bit tighter. “Just know I’m here if you need me.”
“Thanks.” I hugged her back. I was so used to my mom forcing me to talk about things I didn’t want to, that it was a relief to have unconditional support. Taren wasn’t expecting me to unload on her, and she didn’t judge me for keeping my secrets. I loved her for that.
Especially since she had begun to share her past with me. Her high school experience was rough. She was bullied by other students and publically embarrassed by her big crush. I felt horrible for her when she told me, but it was over. She was moving beyond her past.
My past wouldn’t ever be over. I would never get past my sister dying. Or Liam being related to her killer. I hoped my dad’s cancer was one thing I would be able to look back on with the knowledge that he beat it and it was over. I hoped and prayed for that day, even though I knew I couldn’t count on it happening.
Taren released me from the hug and pulled back to look at me. “I’m heading out for dinner, you want to come? Julie’s not back yet, so it’ll be nice and quiet.” She lifted her eyebrows and smiled, holding back a laugh.
I shook my head. “My parents and I stopped to eat on the way here. But thanks. I think I’m just going to catch up on some light reading.”
Taren walked over to my bed and needed both hands to pick up Molecular Biology of the Cell, a secondhand textbook I picked up online to read in preparation for next semester. She bounced the huge book in her hands, weighing it.
“Yeah, I can see how you consider this light.” She grinned at me and then dropped the book back on the bed where it thunked loudly, causing the springs to squeak as my mattress shuddered under the weight of it.
We both laughed as she grabbed her room key and turned for the door.
“I’ll bring you back a coffee,” she offered.
“Vanilla creamer?”
Tare
n clutched her chest. “Is there any other way to drink it?” She waved good-bye and headed out the door.
Once I was alone, I lost all interest in putting my things away. I flopped down on my bed and pulled my book into my lap. Getting lost in science and facts was the fastest way to ignore the ache in my chest.
I hadn’t made it in two pages before my phone chimed. I lifted it up to see Liam’s name.
Liam: Make it back to school yet?
The urge to answer him was so strong I felt like an addict needing another hit. I knew how much it would hurt me to continue talking to him, and I still wanted it so badly I almost couldn’t see straight.
I put the phone on silent and turned it face down. Time to go cold turkey.
***
On Monday his text came while I was walking to class.
Liam: Miss you so fucking bad
Jesus. I missed him too. I was anxious and not sleeping well. The headaches were nearly incapacitating sometimes, and I had a hard time concentrating in class. It was clear that I was going through Liam withdrawal, and every text I got from him was another tiny taste that threatened to pull me back into my dependence on him.
***
Tuesday’s text surprised me during lunch.
Liam: Know you’re mad at me, but I can’t stop thinking about you
Wanted you to know that nothing has changed.
You’re it for me
These texts were killing me. His words found a way to get under my skin and into my heart, pulling open every raw wound. Everything had changed for me. I couldn’t stop thinking about him either, but I wished he would let us both move on. But then again I wished a lot of things. For Sam to be alive. That she had never met Declan. And most of all that I didn’t have to let Liam go.
***
I thought I was home free on Wednesday, but then Liam’s text came right before I went to bed.
Liam: Know I fucked up, Lex
Know I hurt you, but I’ll spend the rest of my life making it right
