by Laura Ward
Please give me another chance
His texts were their own kind of disease, working their way into my brain and heart, infecting me with need and want for something that could only hurt my family and me. I hated myself for being so weak, for wanting to just give in no matter how much trouble it might cause.
I didn’t give in though. I thought about my dad, and I stayed strong. I denied my heart what it wanted most.
***
Every day I got a text. They never came at the same time. They never said the same thing. And they were getting more desperate with each passing day, which only made me feel more desperate. The only control I had in the whole situation was knowing that we were an hour away from one another and that I had no way to get home on my own.
I noticed Taren looking at me often like I had some sort of illness and she was just waiting for it to consume me. But she never pried or asked me for my secrets, and I never offered any explanations. I threw myself into my schoolwork, the one thing that I could depend on to act a certain way. Facts were solid. They didn’t change. They didn’t surprise you. They behaved exactly the way you expected them to.
Two weeks after my visit home, I sat on my bed, reading a book. I was falling back into my old habits. Taren and Julie might call me Lex, but I had abandoned fearless, daring Lex on my front porch the moment I walked away from Liam. The chains of perfect Alexis were falling back in place. I could almost sense Sam’s disapproval at what I’d become. I could feel her disappointment in me. I reached up to rub the rainbow of my bracelet between my fingers.
I know I’m boring, Sam, but Lex only got me into trouble. Being Alexis is so much easier. It’s comfortable. Predictable.
“Did you say something?” Taren was sprawled out on her bed, working on a paper.
I shook my head. “No.”
She frowned. “Huh. I thought you said something about a Sam. I must be more tired than I thought.” She closed the notebook and sat up, rubbing her temples. “Want to head over to the dining hall for late night? They’re still open for another hour.”
Before I could answer her, someone knocked on our door. It was halfway open, and Annette from down the hall peeked around the edge of it. “Oh good. You’re here,” she said once she saw me. “I found something downstairs that belongs to you.”
She pushed the door all the way open, and there, leaning on Annette’s boyfriend, was Liam.
“He uh… he was outside in the parking lot hanging out with his friend Jack.” Annette lifted her hand to show me a bottle wrapped in brown paper. “He asked if I knew where you lived, and I recognized him from your picture.”
Annette’s eyes darted toward my dresser where the picture of Liam and I used to sit. It was now stuffed in my pajama drawer where I liked to pretend I didn’t look at it every chance I got.
She cleared her throat when she noticed the empty space where the picture used to be and then said, “I didn’t want campus police to find him, but I can… we can take him back out.”
“No. That’s okay,” I managed to say.
Liam lifted his head at the sound of my voice and looked at me as if I were a dream come true. “Angel?”
“You sure you want us to leave him?” Annette asked, frowning at the way Liam stumbled forward, catching himself on my doorframe.
I nodded and put my book to the side. “Thanks for looking out for him, Annette.”
She gave me a thumbs-up and then took her boyfriend’s hand as they left.
I took a deep breath, feeling every nerve ending revolting against my forced calm. Liam was here. But he didn’t look like my Liam from the summer. The version of Liam in my doorway was someone who had all my favorite parts—the confidence, the humor, the strength, the sweetness—ripped away. He was a husk, a shell of the boy I’d lost my heart to.
I stood up and approached him slowly because I knew no matter what my mind was telling me about keeping my distance emotionally, I couldn’t trust my heart. “Liam. What are you doing here?”
He peeled himself away from the doorframe and peered down at me through hazy, unfocused eyes. “How can you do this to us?” he slurred. “How can you just throw us away?” His voice got louder with each word.
I narrowed my eyes at him. “Why are you drunk?” He smelled like he’d bathed in a keg. “How did you get here?”
He blinked slowly, waving his hand toward the door. “Brought my Jeep.” He leaned in closer, a sexy smirk on his face. “Remember how much you liked my Jeep?”
I pushed him back with both hands to his chest. “You drove? Drunk?” I no longer had to worry about my heart going weak and forcing me to do something I’d regret, like kiss him. I was so pissed I wanted to shake him senseless. What was he thinking risking his life like that? Risking others?
He took a step toward me, his expression a mix of desperation and agony. He shook his head, trying to make sense of his situation. “I don’t drink and drive. I’m not Declan!” He yelled the last three words and dragged his hands through his hair. He blew out a long breath. “I drank out in the parking lot. Had to work up the courage to see you. You won’t answer my texts.” He blinked, and tears pushed their way along the edges of his eyes.
Oh God. He was crying. How was this the same boy from the beginning of the summer? Cocky, self-assured Liam was gone, and in his place was someone I didn’t recognize.
Before I could answer him, I heard a shuffle behind me, and I turned to see Taren shove some books and clothes into her backpack. “I’m just going to hang out with Julie tonight.” She flicked a concerned glance between Liam and me. “I’ll be right across the hall if you need me.”
I nodded my thanks, watching as she left and shut the door behind her. Once Liam and I were alone, I finally had the courage to meet his gaze again.
“I didn’t answer your texts because we broke up. You have to stop. Please, stop texting me.” Standing there looking at him, so far away from the truth that had ruined us, my heart begged me to reconsider. To find a way to have him. To make our messed-up situation go away.
“I know,” he said. “I will. But first I need to fix this. I need to make it better.”
I shook my head. “I don’t think that’s possible, Liam. Nothing can change the truth. Our families will always be the same. No matter how we feel about each other, that won’t erase what happened with your brother and my sister. It won’t change my family’s heartbreak. It won’t change the fact that I have to make my dad a priority right now. He needs me, and I just can’t do this”—I gestured between us—“to him.”
Liam shook his head in a way that looked like he was both agreeing and disagreeing with me. “I know,” he slurred. “I’m sorry. I just… had to see you one more time.” His gaze pinned me in place, and I felt like a captured butterfly, unable to move, all the pieces of me on display.
One more time? I didn’t like the sound of that. “What do you mean one more time?” I asked carefully.
He stumbled toward me, and I reached out to steady him.
“Look,” I said to Liam. “Lay down so you can sober up. I’m not letting you drive home like this.” I turned toward my bed, and when he reached out to grab my hand, I let him.
Dammit. I was so weak.
He collapsed on my bed, and I sat on the edge. We stared at each other in silence, but my mind was in an uproar of confusion. Just when I was starting to get my own heart under control, Liam had to show up and throw me into an emotional tailspin. As his warm fingers tangled tightly with mine, I wondered if all my so-called control was just an illusion, a lie I was telling myself. A lie he could see through.
“I’m gonna make myself worthy of you,” he mumbled. “And then you’ll forgive me.”
“Liam.” I sighed in exasperation, trying to pull my hand from his. “Our breakup has nothing to do with you not being good enough. You were always more than good enough in my eyes. It isn’t about us. It’s about our families.”
He held on to my hand like it was t
he only thing keeping him conscious. “Like Romeo and Juliet.” He was slurring his words and getting harder to understand. “Our families hate each other.”
I couldn’t deny that, but unlike Juliet, I refused to let us destroy each other or those we loved. “That’s not going to change,” I pointed out. Again.
“I’m going to prove I’m different,” he said. “And it’ll be okay. I’ll make this right. For us.”
I closed my eyes to hold back the tears that threatened to fall. “You should just move on, Liam. You have so much to offer someone else.” I opened my eyes. “And we have too much baggage together.”
He shook his head. “No. I can fix this. Gonna save lives. Not destroy them like Declan.” His eyes drifted shut, and he squeezed my hand. “Gonna join the Army. Be a hero.”
“The Army?” I asked. “Liam. You can’t be serious. You can’t run off and join the Army. That’s not a solution.” When he didn’t answer, I shook him, but it did no good. He was passed out.
This couldn’t be real. The military? A bad boy and free spirit like Liam? No way. Army rules and regimen would suck everything out of him that made him so… Liam. I couldn’t believe it. That’s what he meant about seeing me one last time. Once he left, he would belong to them for lord knows how long. I wanted him to move on, to find happiness, but he was choosing to run straight into the arms of danger.
If something happened to him, it would be my fault, and I’d never forgive myself.
I had tried to make things better, and they were only getting worse.
I looked down at the beautiful, troubled boy who had shown me how to drive… how to remember my sister with happiness… how to… love.
Love? I rubbed my hand over my eyes, the pounding in my chest almost unbearable. I’d never been brave enough to even think that before, but why else would my heart be breaking so much? Liam was Declan’s brother. And I still wanted him.
I looked down at the boy who had stolen my heart and refused to give it back. He was sprawled out on my mattress, his arm to the side from when he’d been holding my hand. I knew what I was about to do was selfish, but I did it anyway. I crawled into bed with him, laid my head on his arm, and wrapped myself around him. I decided to steal one more night with Liam before he was gone for good. I could have sworn I felt his arm tighten around me, but when I whispered his name, he didn’t answer.
Even beneath the stench of liquor, I could smell the familiar scent of him—leather and smoke. I breathed in deeply, memorizing every detail about him. Yes, he lied to me. Yes, he was as dangerous as my mom always warned. But that would never change the fact that he was mine.
Sam, just for one night, look away. Let me have this with him, and I promise tomorrow Daddy will be my priority again.
I reached up and traced my finger across Liam’s jaw and around his lips like an invisible kiss. “Good-bye, Liam. You will always own my heart.”
Chapter Seventeen
LIAM
I was going to kill whoever was making so much noise outside. I forced my eyes open even though the bright light spilling into the room made my headache even worse. For a second I was confused. I was in a room I didn’t recognize.
I blinked a few times until my memories started to patch themselves together.
Last night I came to say good-bye to Lex. I got drunk in the parking lot trying to work up the nerve to talk to her. She let me in her room. And I passed out. I was in her dorm room.
Gazing around, I found her on the other bed, her hands tucked under her head while she lay curled up on top of the mattress. It looked like the comforter from that bed had been thrown over top of me.
Throwing the blanket to the side, I sat up and clutched my head in my hands, groaning as a headache slammed around inside my skull. This was not how I envisioned this good-bye going. I went and fucked it all up, as usual. My last chance to see her before basic training, and I had to show up drunk. I couldn’t even remember what I said to her last night. I had vague memories of her in my arms and promises of love, but clearly those were wishful, drunken dreams since she was as far away from me as she could possibly get. I was surprised she even slept in the same room as me.
I was such a fucking disaster.
I grabbed a notebook from her desk and scribbled out a quick note. No more begging. No more hollow promises. I was going to get my shit together. And then I would win her back.
Good-bye Angel,
No matter what happens, I will always be here for you.
Love, Liam
***
I took the train down to Fort Benning, Georgia leaving my Jeep at home for my mom to use and my phone tucked into my top dresser drawer. The Army didn’t prohibit cell phones, but if I was going to fix myself, I needed to concentrate fully on doing just that. I promised my mom I would e-mail her, and I promised myself I would leave Lex alone. No more pathetic texts.
The Army issued me new uniforms, right down to my underwear, and I ditched my civilian clothes like an old skin I was shedding. I was dressed like every other asshole around me, but the chance at having a new start was exhilarating.
When it was my turn, I sat down in the chair, colorful shreds of hair scattered on the floor around me. I heard the angry buzz of the clippers, and when they made the first swipe across my skull, I felt lighter. By the time my entire head was buzzed, I imagined I was cleansed.
This was my chance to remake myself. My mom believed I could be more than the fucking disaster I’d been as a teenager. I owed it to her to be someone she could be proud to call a son. The Army wasn’t college, but it was a future. A good one. Lex needed more than a troublemaker with no direction in life. She deserved more than the memory of my brother and his actions. I was determined to be that for her. She had freely given me her heart before. Next time I would earn it.
Chapter Eighteen
When I woke up and saw that Liam was gone, I realized I’d made the biggest mistake of my life. Seeing the empty bed, knowing that he had snuck out while I was asleep, made his absence so much more real. I hadn’t realized how much I was depending on his texts and messages until I read his letter and realized that I could lose him forever.
I had a chance at love, and I didn’t fight for it. Maybe he realized I wasn’t worth fighting for. Maybe if I had tried harder, I could have made my parents understand. If they just knew Liam, they would see he was nothing like Declan.
But now it might be too late to fix my mistake. He wouldn’t be back home waiting for me to come to my senses. There might not be an opportunity for a second chance with him. He was joining the Army.
I clutched my head, holding in a scream. Why were my heart and head working against each other? Our situation wasn’t perfect. In fact, it was a disaster. But I still wanted him. That meant something, right? I could fix this. I didn’t have to be miserable. Liam was right. We could find a way to make this work.
I picked up my phone and dialed his number. It went straight to voice mail.
“Uh. Hi, Liam. It’s Lex. Alexis.” I paused, trying to find the right words. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything.” My throat tightened as I held back my tears. “Please call me. I need to talk to you.” I hung up before I could start crying.
What if he didn’t call back? I had no one to blame for my broken heart but myself. I agreed to break up with him. I chased him away. I was the reason he was joining the Army.
***
I called every day for weeks. Liam never picked up. Never returned my calls. He really was taking my advice. He was moving on.
Without me.
I messed up so bad this time, Sam.
Chapter Nineteen
I was officially a Tri-Gam.
I still wasn’t sure why I had gone along with the whole rush/pledge/sorority thing, but over the past few weeks, Gamma Gamma Gamma had given me something I hadn’t expected.
Normalcy. Sisterhood. And fun.
The fun thing was what surprised me. With all the loss I had recently
endured, I also anticipated the loss of fun. But from the first day I met Taren and Julie, they’d brought happiness back to my life. They helped me push my boundaries, and I made decisions with them I never would have alone. I tried new things. I met new people. Sometimes I even went to parties.
But I was smart. I was quiet. I stayed safe. One thing I knew above all else was that I wouldn’t do anything risky that could potentially rock my parents’ already precarious world. Learning sorority songs and chants, studying the history of Tri-Gam, and sleeping over at the house were all innocent fun.
Most days I laughed. I smiled until my cheeks hurt. I made friends with girls I never would have spoken to without Tri-Gam. I went to happy hours and fraternity mixers. Harmless Greek events were a great diversion from what was happening back home. I appreciated having the distraction.
Scratch that. I didn’t appreciate it, I needed it.
And so tonight I stood in the backyard of the Delta Epsilon house, drinking canned beer and talking with Asher Vance.
Asher could be described as the polar opposite of Liam.
That was precisely why I was talking to him.
Asher had dark blond hair cut in a shaggy style that only private school kids could pull off. He wore polos with the collar popped up, and wrinkle-free button-down shirts. I hadn’t ever seen him in jeans. When I passed him on campus, he was either in khaki shorts or pants. He wore brightly colored cloth belts and Sperry’s.
I thought about the preppy loafers Asher was wearing tonight as I took a gulp of beer. I let myself picture, just for a minute, Liam in a pair of Sperry’s.
I choked, coughing into my hand.
“Are you okay?” Asher walked over and rubbed my back.
I smiled and nodded. There was no doubt that Asher was attractive. He just wasn’t Liam. He didn’t make me think sinful thoughts. He was cute. Like a puppy.
I liked cute. Heck, I loved puppies.
I didn’t want sexy. I had fallen for sexy. I gave so many of my firsts to sexy. I surrendered my heart to sexy. And sexy no longer wanted anything to do with me.
