by Laura Ward
The next few hours were like an episode of This Is Your Life. I greeted my fifth-grade teacher. My Girl Scout leader. My youth group coordinator hugged me so tightly my feet lifted off the ground. I attempted to ignore the rocking bad breath my next door neighbor was sporting as he went on and on about my dad’s ability to take care of our rose bushes. Then I got pissed off.
You better remember him for something more important than that, jerk.
But then I softened when he hugged my mom with trembling hands.
Just remember him, okay?
My parents’ friends, my dad’s college roommates, his coworkers, friends from the country club… everyone he had ever met came to say how sorry they were for our loss. They expressed their sorrow that he was taken too soon. They lamented about how horrible it was that we lost two members of our family so close together. They wondered how we would survive. They smiled uncomfortably and commented that at least we had each other.
I wanted them all to go away.
Someone offered us bottles of water, and I drank with my eyes closed, the cool drink soothing my dry throat. When I opened my eyes, Melissa stood before me with Talia, MaryAnn, and both Thing One and Thing Two.
Anger rose up in me, a storm building in strength with every passing second. I wasn’t in the mood to deal with her manipulative cruelty. Especially today. Hadn’t I suffered enough?
Her chin trembled, and her eyes were glassy as she fidgeted in front of me. “Alexis, I know the last time we saw each other, we left on bad terms. I wanted—” She licked her lips, and her eyes darted nervously around before settling back on me. “I wanted to say I’m sorry. You were hurting that summer, and I was…” She paused.
“Horrible,” I offered.
She nodded. “I wasn’t very understanding. And now you’ve lost your dad. I can’t imagine. Can you forgive me?”
My chin trembled. My jaw was tight from clenching to hold back sobs, but I managed to squeak out, “Yes. Of course. I’m sorry too. For hitting you.”
It wasn’t eloquent, but I was too exhausted to continue holding a grudge against her. I let her give me a hug, and then I greeted the rest of our friends who all wore uncomfortable expressions but offered heartfelt sympathy.
Eventually the line brought me a few friendly faces from college. Taren, Alec, Julie, and several of my sorority sisters, including my big sister, Tiffany. They all hugged and kissed me.
“We’re going to wait for you over there.” Julie motioned to an area with couches and chairs where family and close friends gathered.
“Thank you. I think I can take a break soon,” I told Taren as she squeezed my hand and then moved on to my mom.
I was shocked but truly honored to see Asher and Pickles too. They were gruff and awkward, but they came to pay their respects, and that meant a lot to me. Especially after how things had ended between Asher and me.
I knew Stacy couldn’t come to the viewing. Her family was on vacation when my dad passed, but she had called me on the phone and assured me she would be over to see me soon. I wished she could have come. I really needed one of her hugs.
People from all stages of my life came through the line. Some had been my enemies, some had been my role models, but all of them were here for my family and me. I stood next to my mom near my father’s casket, and I accepted their love and support with as much dignity as I could muster.
As I looked around the room, the sense of loneliness once again overtook me. Even surrounded by people, I felt lost. Abandoned. My pulse raced, and sweat ran down my back. And then despair hit me square in the chest, and I could hardly breathe. What if I lost my mom too? I would have no one who knew all of me. No one who loved me unconditionally. My body shook, the kind of trembling that was evident to onlookers.
My mom leaned over. “Are you okay? Do you need to sit down?” Her face was pale and pinched. Dammit. I couldn’t add to her stress.
I shook my head. “I’m f-f-fine.” My teeth chattered together as I forced the words out.
I could hear murmurs from the visitors still in line and could only imagine how pathetic I must look. I smoothed my sweaty hands down the waist of my black sheath dress, watching as they shook uncontrollably.
I dragged in a breath, hoping I wouldn’t pass out or vomit.
“Fuck this.” The voice was strong and gravelly. The sound caused my heart to skip a beat and then race.
I looked up and saw a soldier move out of line. He was dressed in a fancy uniform with brass buttons and pins decorating it. On his head he wore a beret. He stood in front of me but not too close. His hands were balled into fists, his lips flat, and eyes tight.
Oh my God. It was Liam.
The sound I choked out was guttural. It was pain and sadness and joy and need. Need unlike any I had ever known for another person. I didn’t stop to think what my mom or my friends or my pastor would think. I left the receiving line and walked over to him, stopping so close I could feel his breath on my skin.
“Liam,” I whispered his name, and I couldn’t hold back any longer. I needed him. I wrapped my arms around his waist and pressed my face against his chest as I breathed him in. “You’re here.”
“I got you. It’s okay. I got you,” he whispered into my ear. His strong arms enveloped me protectively, and I melted into the safety of his hug.
He was home.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
“I need a moment,” I said to my mom without meeting her eyes. “I’ll be back in a minute.”
She nodded, and I grabbed Liam’s hand to lead him to the private family room around the corner. I could feel everyone’s eyes on us as we left. Part of me knew I should be with my mom, but the bigger part, the selfish part, needed a minute alone with Liam. A minute just for me.
I walked in first and then shut the door behind him. Mom and I had kept our purses in here, and someone had dropped off a case of water and a platter of cookies on the small round table. I stared at the cookies as my heart fluttered with both excitement and anxiety. He was here. After almost two years, he was standing right in front of me.
“Lex,” Liam whispered and cupped the side of my face with his hand. “Look at me.”
I looked into his eyes and then stepped backward, pressing my back against the door. Everything spun around me. My head, my heart, my stomach.
“Are you really here?” I asked. “Am I dreaming?”
The corners of his lips turned down. “I’m here. I’m so sorry that I’m late.” His other hand cupped the other side of my face. “And I’m so sorry about your dad. How are you doing?”
There were so many things I wanted to ask him. There were so many things I needed to know. But at that moment, I just needed him.
“I don’t know.” I brought my hands up to rest on his forearms. He tensed when I touched him, his arms becoming tight underneath my hands. “Sometimes I think I’m numb. I mean, I’ve known this day was coming for a long time. But nothing ever really prepares you for the end, you know. He’s gone, Liam. My dad is gone. He’s never coming back.”
And then perfect Alexis broke.
Everything I had held back, I let go. Tears ran down my cheeks, and Liam released my face and pressed my body to his. I sobbed. I clung to him and cried. I gasped for air, I moaned, I hit my fists against his chest.
“Hit me harder. This sucks, and it’s totally unfair. I know you’re pissed off. Hit me. Get it out.”
And I did. I hit him for lying to me. I hit him for letting me break up with him. I hit him for leaving me. I hit him for not returning my calls, texts, and e-mails. I hit him for my mom telling me to stay away from him, and I hit him for my dad dying.
As I cried and hit and let go, I felt something ease inside me. I released my fists and ran my hands up his chest and around his neck.
“I’m sorry,” I sniffled against his chest. I knew I looked like a train wreck. All of my efforts at control and perfection were thrown out the window the way they always were when I was with Li
am.
He shook his head. “Nothing for you to be sorry for.”
“This isn’t your fault. None of this was your fault. I’m sorry for everything,” I mumbled.
“Me too.” He ran his hands across my back, comforting me.
“That was the first time I’ve cried since he died,” I admitted. My words were soft. Vulnerable.
Liam froze. He took a deep breath and then blew it out slowly. “Why are you doing that to yourself?”
I shrugged. “I don’t want my mom to worry about me. I need to be strong for her. I’m all she has left.” I looked away, over to the platter where chocolate chip cookies were placed in perfect lines and rows. “But around you…” My voice trailed off. “I missed you so much.”
Liam’s jaw clenched. He muttered a curse and then brought his face close to mine. His scent enveloped me, and I closed my eyes. A second later, his lips were on mine.
Yes. This is what I needed. Liam.
My thoughts were disjointed, but my mouth knew just what to do. My lips opened, and our tongues met. Liam groaned at the same time that I did. Our bodies pressed tight, my hands clung around his neck, and his wrapped around my waist.
“Ahem.” A throat cleared, but I kept my lips against Liam’s as I opened one eye to find Julie in the doorway. She scooted inside the room and shut the door behind her. “You must be Liam.” She extended her hand.
I unhinged myself from Liam’s grip and stepped to his side.
Liam reached out to shake Julie’s hand. “I am. Nice to meet you…”
“Julie Prescott. One of Alexis’s best friends. You are a sight for sore eyes. I’ve always had a thing for soldiers.” Her eyes moved up and down Liam’s body.
My blood ran hot in my veins, and I moved to stand in front of Liam. I crossed my arms in front of me. “Jules.” My voice had a warning tone.
Julie’s jaw dropped. “Well, I’ve never. Holy hell. Alexis Sinclair is jealous of my eyes on her man. This is some classic shit right here.”
I felt Liam’s silent laughter behind me. I cocked my head to the side. “What’s up, Jules?”
“If I were a betting woman, I’d guess Liam.” She winked, and I could feel my cheeks burning. “But I came in to tell you that you’re needed in the main room. The line of visitors ended, and the pastor is going to lead everyone in a prayer before we go home.”
I sighed, frustrated that our moment was already over. “Thanks.” I turned back to Liam. “Will you come back with me?”
His eyes narrowed. “I wouldn’t be anywhere else.”
We followed Julie out of the room. I wiped my face with my hands and moved to stand next to my mother. Liam stood to the side, far enough away to be respectful, but close enough that I knew he was there. Mom’s eyes flicked over Liam quickly, but she didn’t say anything.
After the prayer, Mom said good-bye to our extended family while I slipped my hand into Liam’s and pulled him over to where Taren and Julie stood.
“Hey, Taren. I wanted to introduce you to Liam.” She had already met him when he showed up drunk at our dorm, but I was pretty sure he didn’t remember her. They shook hands, and then I introduced Alec, as well.
“Green Beret, man? That’s some tough shit.” Alec shook hands with Liam.
I had always thought of Alec as the fittest guy I knew, but Liam blew him away. His once-lean frame was thick, stacked with muscles that I could see even under his uniform.
“It’s tough, but it has to be. They need to know they have the right guys out there. Nice to meet you all.” Liam smiled at the group.
“Alexis.” My mother tapped me on the shoulder. “I’m ready to go.” She turned toward Liam. “I’d like to speak with you back at the house if you don’t mind.”
“Mom, you don’t—”
Mom shot me a glare, and I stopped speaking.
“Yes, ma’am.” Liam nodded.
“We’ll see you tomorrow,” Taren whispered in my ear.
I hugged each of them and then followed my mom to the car, already missing Liam’s presence as he got into his Jeep.
We didn’t talk about Liam on the way home. We didn’t talk at all. I watched the lights from Liam’s Jeep as he drove behind us. I wasn’t sure if my mom was furious or disappointed.
Both. I’d go with both.
When we got home, Mom unlocked the front door and switched on the lights. I felt the heat from Liam’s body behind me as I followed her inside.
He placed his hand on my shoulder. “What did she say on the way home?”
I turned to face him. “Nothing. Not one word.” I winced.
Liam nodded, his lips pressed together. “C’mon.”
I led the way into the living room where mom was sitting in her favorite high-backed chair, watching us.
“Have a seat,” she said and motioned to the sofa.
We sat with a decent amount of space between us. I wanted to be curled against his side, but my mom was scaring the crap out of me right now.
“What have you been up to, Liam?” she asked, her face void of emotion. I was shocked she remembered his name.
Liam cleared his throat. “First, Mrs. Sinclair, let me say how sorry I am for your loss.”
“Thank you,” Mom answered. Her eyes scanned him from the tips of his shiny boots to the top of his iconic hat. “I see you’ve been busy since the last time we met.”
Liam nodded. “I enlisted in the Army almost two years ago. I was recruited into the Special Forces, and I recently graduated as a Green Beret.”
Mom smiled.
Mom smiled?
“My father was a Green Beret,” she said, folding her hands in her lap. “I have the utmost respect for our military, but especially for the elite Special Forces. It takes incredible determination to make it to the level you have, especially at your young age.” She looked at me and then back at Liam. “Your mother must be proud.”
Liam paused. “She is, ma’am. After what happened with my stepbrother and your daughter—” He paused again. “I needed to make a change for myself. For my family. I decided to spend my life protecting others.” He cleared his throat. “I wish Declan would have protected Sam.”
Mom nodded. “I do too. But you aren’t Declan.”
I held my breath, wondering what she would say next. Hoping she wouldn’t say something awful. What was happening right now?
“I want you to be honest with me, Liam.” She stared at him, and he gave a slight nod. “Have you been sending me meals for the past year?”
Liam didn’t look at me; he was focused on my mom. “Yes, ma’am.”
“The past year? I only saw meals arrive yesterday,” I said in a rough voice. My throat was dry and scratchy again.
Mom turned to me. “Every week for the past year, your father and I have received some kind of food delivery. Casseroles, soups, stews. The food companies changed, but they arrived like clockwork, never with a name. I’ve asked friends and neighbors and could never figure it out. Until today.”
She turned back to Liam. “Have you organized the flower deliveries?”
My head whipped to the boy on the couch beside me.
“Yes ma’am,” he answered, still not looking at me.
“The colorful flowers at Sam’s grave?” I asked my mom.
She nodded. “Your father and I saw them every week. When he got too sick to visit Sam’s grave, I would go and take a picture of the flowers to show him. Last week he asked me to visit Declan’s grave. I’d never been there before, but that’s when I noticed the single white flower, identical to the ones in Sam’s vase. I told your dad about it, and he said that for as long as he visited Declan’s grave, he saw the same. He thought that Sam’s flowers came from a member of Declan’s family. Once he connected the pieces for me, I guessed they were from Liam.” She turned to face him. “Honoring my daughter on behalf of your family?”
Liam never broke eye contact with my mom. He held his head high as he responded, “Yes ma’am.”
>
I turned to him, placing my hand on his knee. “All the gifts in college, the rainbow ones? They were all from you too?”
He and my mom shared a silent communication. After a minute he turned to me. “Yes, Lex. They were from me too.”
“Why? Why did you do all this for us? I broke up with you. I blamed you. I hurt you.” My voice cracked. “You left because of me.”
Liam linked his fingers with mine but looked at my mom. “I understand why you wanted me away from Alexis.” He turned back to face me. “But even if I could never be with you again, I wanted to be there for you. I wanted to help.”
I closed my eyes. My heart slammed against my ribs.
This man. His heart. How could I have ever let go of him?
“I was wrong.” My mom stood up and walked over to us, and I held my breath. “I’m not ready to forgive Declan for what he did, for what he took away from us. But I was wrong to blame you.” She looked at me and took a deep breath. “Alexis, you did what I asked and stayed away from Declan’s family to protect your father. I shouldn’t have asked that of you. It wasn’t fair. I thought I was doing the right thing, but I realize now that you’ve already lost too much. Life is too short, and I want you to live it.” She turned to face Liam. “You took this time to grow up and become a man who is worthy of my daughter.”
“He was always worthy,” I argued, holding back tears.
She placed her hand on my shoulder. “If Liam is who you love, I support you.”
I jumped up and wrapped my arms around her. I felt lightheaded and dizzy and happy and so much. So. Much. Relief.
“Mom.” I pulled back, and she smiled. “Thank you.”
Liam stood up, and my mom placed a hand on his arm. “Thank you for taking care of us with food, flowers, and hope. I’ll never forget that.”
“My pleasure, ma’am.”
Mom walked upstairs, and Liam and I stared at one another as we heard her footsteps fade away. There was so much left to say. So many months and mistakes to apologize for.
“I’m sorry for giving up on you,” I said. Liam shook his head, but I barreled on. “I’m sorry for not giving you a chance, for not giving us a chance. And by the time I realized I was wrong, you were gone. And you didn’t answer my calls. I don’t even know how you feel about me, but—”
