by Lily Harlem
“I’m sure there’s lots of things we haven’t done yet.”
“Shall we make a list?” He caught my gaze in the mirror.
“That could work.”
He withdrew and stepped away.
I straightened and pushed my dress down to my knees, turned to him. “Do I have the just-fucked look?”
He laughed and tucked his cock away. “Yes, definitely, I wouldn’t recommend going straight back downstairs.”
I grabbed his tie, tugged him close. “So how about you start on that list while I go in the bathroom and freshen up?”
“I’m on it.” He sealed the deal with a kiss.
* * * * *
Half an hour later and looking suitably presentable, we wandered back to the reception. It had been cordoned off, so half was the noisy disco and half a quieter area with a separate bar and several soft seats. Some of the older guests were sitting there chatting, and in the corner of the room, so were Melanie and Andy.
“Shall we join them?” I asked Ruben.
“Sure, do you want a drink?”
“Just a sparkling water please.”
He headed to the bar, and I joined Melanie and Andy on the brown leather L-shaped couch. They were chatting about a holiday to the Maldives they had planned.
“Hey,” I said. “Can Ruben and I sit with you?”
“Absolutely,” Melanie said. “We wondered where you’d gone.”
A silly flush drizzled from my cheeks, onto my neck and then chest. The heat of it spiked in my temples. “Oh, you know. Just for a few minutes quiet time.”
Melanie laughed loudly and a little drunkenly. “So that’s what it’s called these days, is it? Quiet time?”
I grinned and sat. “It’s been a long day, the drive up here this morning was a nightmare with the traffic. I didn’t think we were going to make it at one point.”
“Well you did, so that’s good.”
“Who drove?” Andy asked.
“Ruben.”
“Oh, in his Subaru, he was telling me about that. I’ll have to go check it out in the morning before we go.”
“He does really like his cars,” I said, looking up as he joined us with two tall glasses of water.
“Anyone else need a drink?” he asked, gesturing to Melanie’s and Andy’s empty wine glasses.
“Oh, white wine for me,” Melanie said, holding up her glass.
“I’m good,” Andy said. “Trying to make tomorrow a hangover free day.”
“Oh, hangover, shmangover,” Melanie said, waving her hand in the air. “I need wine.”
“I’ll get it,” I said, smiling at Ruben and standing. “You sit down.”
“Are you sure?” He put our drinks on the table.
“Yes, absolutely.” I slipped past him, giving his bum a sneaky stroke as I did so, and went to the bar.
It took a few minutes to get served, and when I did the barman gave me the choice of Pinot Grigio or Chardonnay. I glanced at Melanie. She was squeezing Ruben’s knee and was talking animatedly, gesturing with her free hand.
“Chardonnay,” I said, figuring she was pretty pissed and probably wouldn’t notice or care if she switched grapes. She’d really gone for it all afternoon; it was only early evening, but she was sozzled. Who knew what she’d be like by the end of the night.
Wine in hand, I walked back over to the corner of the room. Melanie’s conversation came into earshot.
“Thank goodness she’s found you, Ruben. I’m so pleased to see Katie happy again, and with an extra bit of weight on her skinny bones too. You certainly are good for her.”
“Hopefully,” Ruben said, looking at her hand on his knee as though he wanted to remove it but wasn’t sure how to do so politely.
“And as far as I’m concerned you came along just in time,” Melanie went on. “I didn’t think she was ever going to get out of the hole she’d put herself in after Matt’s death.”
“It certainly sounds like she had a hard time,” Ruben said.
“Fucking hell, yeah,” Melanie slurred. “Every step has been hard, but I can’t help wonder if some of the decisions she made were the right ones for her.”
I paused, curious to know what Melanie thought I’d done wrong.
“Her move to Northampton?” Ruben asked, picking up his drink and poking the straw into it. The slice of lemon stuck at the base of the glass was clearly an irritation.
“Oh, no, not that, that’s great, clearly, you’re here. No, I’m talking about the decision to donate Matt’s organs.”
It was as though my blood had turned to ice. An arctic chill flooded through me. Shit.
“It’s a very noble decision,” Ruben said. “It’s wonderful that people can give such an incredible gift at a time in their life when they’re devastated and have lost so much.”
“Yes, it is, I agree, but for Katie, well, I think it messed with her head.”
Ruben turned his attention from the drink to Melanie. “What do you mean?”
“Well, she got a bit obsessed.” Melanie pulled her lips down at the corners, as though trying to trap words in her mouth.
I wished she bloody well would trap them. She could then go and lock them up forever.
“Obsessed?” Ruben said, frowning. “I don’t get you.”
“It was his heart,” Melanie said, removing her hand from Ruben’s knee and tapping her own chest. “She became completely obsessed with knowing who had it. It was as if finding that person would bring Matt back to her. Rubbish, I know, but grief does strange things to people. And for a while it was all she thought about, I know it was, and what’s more, she told me one night that she had plans to go and find that person.”
A trickle of wine slipped over my thumb, the tipping glass barely registering in my mind.
Ruben looked up.
Straight at me.
I could feel the color running from my face, my heart thumping so loud it drowned out every other noise in the room as my pulse raged in my ears.
I righted the glass. Prayed my legs wouldn’t do what they were promising and give way.
Ruben stood. He walked toward me. It was like I was watching him move underwater or in some kind of horrible slow motion. His eyebrows were pulled low, and his lips parted. Disbelief and pain contorted his features.
He knew. He knew me too well. Now, instead of being a good thing, his understanding of me was going to be my undoing.
He came up close, real close, so we were chest to chest. He stared into my eyes.
I couldn’t blink, couldn’t speak.
“You tricked me,” he said quietly.
“No,” I whispered. “No, I didn’t.”
“Yes, you did.” He pressed his lips together so tight they paled and went white. His stare turned hard and cold, the softness I adored in the depths of his eyes freezing over.
“Ruben.” I was trembling now; it started in my belly and was rapidly radiating to my fingers and toes and capturing everything in between.
He shook his head. “You made me think you were in love with me when all along you were in love with what was in me.”
“No. Please, let me explain.”
He stepped back, as though I was contagious, shook his head and then turned and strode from the room.
Dumbly I watched him go, his steps long and angry, his shoulders stiff and hunched.
“Are you all right?” Andy asked, appearing next to me and taking the once again spilling wine.
I turned my attention to him, then Melanie, who was looking at me from the sofa with wide eyes. “No, I’m not, Andy, not at all.”
Reaching for what was left of the wine, I knocked it back in one mouthful and then marched after Ruben.
I deserved a chance to explain.
Chapter Sixteen
I whacked my fist on the door of our hotel room. “Let me in, Ruben, or I’ll just go and get another key from reception.”
The door swung open, violently, ramming the handle against the
wall. Ruben turned the instant he saw me and went to the bed.
Quickly, I followed. Halted when I saw he was throwing his shoes and wash things into his overnight bag.
“What are you doing?”
“I’m going home.”
“Please no. We need to talk.”
“What the fucking hell about?” He shoved his jeans into the bag and rammed the zip closed with a fast, jerking motion.
“Us.” I grabbed his arm.
“Don’t touch me,” he said, shaking me off.
“But—”
“There’s no but. Out of all the shit this crappy life has thrown at me, this is just bloody unbelievable.”
“Why are you so mad?”
His face twisted. “Are you serious?”
“”Yes, I’m in love with you, I thought you were with me.”
“So did I until I found out you’d hunted me down.”
“I didn’t—” I gasped as he backed me up against the wall. But not in a super-sexy way, in a scary, he-was-mad-as-hell way.
My shoulders hit, I tucked my hands beneath my chin. Felt small and vulnerable surrounded by his fury.
He slammed his hands on the either side of my head, his palms slapping against the wallpaper. He lowered his face until his nose practically touched mine.
“I just heard how you were obsessed with finding the man who had your dead husband’s heart, Katie. Surprise, surprise, I happen to have received a heart. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that you came looking for me because…”
My stomach bunched. I thought I might be sick. “Because what?”
“Because I have Matt’s heart.” He grimaced. “And his lungs? Say it, tell me the truth.”
I nodded. “Yes. You have.”
His eyes bored into mine. “Do you know how fucking sick that is?”
“Why is it?” I went to touch his chest, but he stepped away, shoving his hand into his hair and shaking his head.
“Because I’ve been fucking you,” he said, “the man whose heart has given me life. I’ve been fucking his wife.”
“No, it’s not sick. It makes sense.”
“How can you think that? You’re insane.”
“No I’m not, you’re insane to not see it how it is.”
“I’ll tell you how I see it. You, Mrs. Katie Lansdale, broke, and God only knows how, every rule in the book to find me and then, then you came looking for me. I bet you couldn’t believe your luck when I went and fell for your pretty face and your sweet smile and asked you out.”
“No, I couldn’t, because I just happen to think you’re gorgeous, Ruben, and as bloody messed up as me. We were a good match, we are a good match.”
“Messed up? Speak for yourself, I’m nowhere near as loopy as you are.” He twirled his finger by his ear.
“You have no idea what I went through—”
“And you have no idea what I went through. Living a half-life, praying for a miracle and then clawing my way back to health. That wasn’t exactly a picnic, you know, and then just as I feel like I have something to look forward to—you—it’s pulled from under me.”
“Why is it? You still have me.”
“But I don’t want you, don’t you see?” He shook his head.
I thought I saw tears in his eyes, but he turned away, reached for his car keys.
“No, I don’t see. Why don’t you want me?”
“Because I’m not who you think I am, Katie. Not who you think you’re in love with, and I can’t live with someone who doesn’t love me for me.” He rubbed at his eyes harshly. “I’m not Matt. I might have his heart, his lungs, but I’m not him. He simply gave me something to pump blood and oxygen around my body.”
“No, no, that’s not right.” I raised my voice, anger replacing the panic of him leaving. “I gave you that heart.” I stabbed my chest with my finger. “It was me that made the decision. I was his next of kin. I held my husband’s hand, then picked up a pen and signed that heart over to you. You’re alive, Ruben, because I made it that way. Without me you’d be as dead as Matt is.”
He clenched his jaw, picked up his bag and tilted his chin. “Goodbye, Katie.”
Goodbye!
“Don’t go. We can talk about this. We can work it out, I know we can.”
“This.” He flicked his car keys between us. “Is a relationship based on a lie. So many times you could have told me the truth but you didn’t, and I have to ask myself why that is.”
I stilled. “What do you mean?”
He was silent for a long moment and I thought he might not explain himself, then, “You look at me and you see him, don’t you?”
“No, not at all. Ruben, I see you.” I pressed my shaking fingertips to my lips. “And you know about Matt now, so let’s work it out.”
“No. It’s too late. Your lie, it went on for too long.” He swept past me and pulled the door open. “Please don’t ever try and find me again. Once was enough.” He released the handle and let the door slam behind him.
I stared at the swaying Do Not Disturb sign.
It was then my legs gave up. I dropped to the bed, anger and despair bursting molten hot tears from my eyes and ransacking my chest in heaving sobs.
This was never meant to happen. I’d been wrong to find him in the first place, and wrong to go and see him. But I’d been dating Ruben, I’d fallen for him. He got me, made me feel better. How could he think that I didn’t love him for him? He’d become my entire world. Thank goodness he had Matt’s heart, thank goodness I’d made the decision that Melanie had thought so wrong, because if I hadn’t, Ruben wouldn’t be on this earth for me to love.
I buried my face in the cover, uncaring of the wet mess I was making. Banging my legs in frustration I then thumped a pillow.
Once again it struck me how quickly life could change. Only an hour ago I was making plans to move in with a man I’d fallen in love with, a man I wanted to hitch my wagon to and ride off into the sunset with, and now…now I was alone, again.
I sucked in a breath, sat and pushed my hair from my face, anger suddenly my overwhelming emotion.
How dare he? How dare he just presume that I thought of him as Matt? After everything we’d done? Our relationship had been intense, growing in passion both emotionally and physically. Did he really think I could fake that, or, and this was a worse thought, did he think I had twisted ideas that I was giving Matt a blowjob, fucking Matt somehow when I was with him?
Really? Did he think I was that loopy?
I stood, wiped my nose on the back of my hand and reached for my purse. I pulled my wedding ring from the side pocket and held it to the light by the mirror.
I’d taken it off because new Katie had arrived. New Katie was moving forward, falling in love, making new friends. Planning a future that held endless possibilities. It had been scary to shake my grief, I realized that now. Grief had been a heavy blanket I’d worn like a shield, it could keep people out.
But I’d let Ruben in, welcomed him with open arms. Let him see my wounds and scars. Not as visible as his, but still as deep.
“Don’t ever try and find me again,” I said to the ring. “How can the man I love be alive and me not be with him?” I shook my head at this novel concept, this whole new, imaginative way to have my world torn in two, my heart broken.
Through the center of the ring I saw the mirror. I could just make out two handprints—mine, my sweaty palms had left a smudge. I could hear our gasps and moans, the power of my orgasm, hell, my pussy still felt inflamed.
Suddenly it was like the walls were looming down on me, oppressive and suffocating.
I had to get out of there.
I tucked the ring into my purse, kicked off my stilettoes and rammed my feet into flats.
Slipping into the corridor, I turned right toward reception. I thought I’d made it without seeing any wedding guests—goodness only knew what a mess I looked—but then Andy and Melanie came around the corner. He was supporting her. Sh
e walked with her head on his shoulder and her eyes closed.
“Shit, Katie, are you all right?” Andy asked me again, taking in my odd shoe choice with my dress and my wild hair and makeup.
“No, Andy, I’m not.” I kept on walking. I wasn’t in a chatty mood.
“Where are you going?” he asked. “Katie?”
“To see Matt,” I shouted as I marched through the foyer and out into the cool night.
A taxi sat in the hotel car park, and I climbed in the backseat and agitatedly buckled up.
“Where to, love,” the driver asked, switching the radio down.
“Hill Rise Crem, please.”
He turned and studied me over the rim of his glasses. “You’re pulling my leg, right?”
“Do I look like I’m in a joking mood?” I shooed my hand at the road. “Step on it.”
“Okay, but I think they’re all tucked up for the night.” He started the engine then pulled away. “The party here is much livelier by the sounds of it.”
I tutted and set my stare out of the window.
The orange glow of streetlamps flickered past; on even though there was still some light in the sky, it wasn’t completely dark yet.
As we drew to a stop at the entrance of Hill Rise, the sky was slashed with violent orange and reds on the western horizon. The spiked treetops and the chimney of the crematorium were silhouetted against the fiery backdrop like cardboard cutouts
“You want me to wait, love. It’ll be pitch dark up there soon.”
I handed him a twenty. “No, but will you come back in an hour?”
“Can’t guarantee it will be on the dot, but I’ll swing back at some point before the end of my shift at eleven, and if you’re here I’ll take you home.”
“Thanks.”
I climbed out onto the pebbled path. The taxi pulled away, its wheels rudely loud in the silent cemetery. When the lights had gone from view, I started my slow walk to Matt’s grave.
I wasn’t completely sure why I was here. It was more not knowing where else to be than heading to the cemetery for a reason. I didn’t belong anywhere anymore. And not with anyone. That flailing feeling was back. Falling without a parachute. Someone had taken the safety net from under my tightrope and I was crashing down.
