Her Little Secret

by Carol Marinelli

  He was.

  And he must be getting good at her vision game, because as Nick walked home he was having one of his own and there wasn’t a crying baby or Svetlana in sight, more an Alison uncut vision.

  Alison let loose, Nick thought with a smile, pulling up in surprise at just how much he wanted to share his vision with her…

  ‘Oh, you’re back.’ Rose stood by the kettle, as if she hadn’t been at the window. ‘I was just making a cup of tea to take back to bed. Do you want one?’

  ‘No, thanks, Mum.’

  ‘Nice night.’

  ‘Really nice.’

  ‘How was your friend?’

  ‘Great,’ Alison said, hearing the singular, and she turned to go to bed, but then relented. ‘We just had some pasta, and then walked.’

  ‘You’re covered in sand.’

  ‘We walked on the beach.’

  Rose humphed, and no doubt there was half the beach in her hair and why did she feel guilty? Why was her mother sulking when she had done absolutely nothing wrong? ‘Am I allowed to ask his name?’

  Alison hesitated. It was all too new and too soon to be naming him, she wanted to pull apart her own thoughts and feelings without sharing things first, but her mum wanted conversation, inclusion, and at every turn Alison did try.

  ‘Nick,’ Alison said, and her mum just waited. ‘He’s a friend from work. So what did you do tonight?’

  ‘Not much—I looked through some photos.’ She gave a wan smile. ‘I’ll have to find something to do once you’re gone.’

  ‘I’ll be ten minutes away, Mum.’

  ‘Oh.’ Rose suddenly changed the subject. ‘Your uncle Ken rang. They’re having a barbecue at the weekend, so don’t go making any plans—they’re looking forward to seeing you.’

  ‘What day?’ Alison asked, sure, quite sure what was coming next.

  ‘I’m not sure…’ Rose’s forehead crinkled as she tried to recall. ‘Memory like a sieve—I’ll ring tomorrow.’

  To arrange a sudden barbecue, Alison thought, but didn’t say. ‘’Night, Mum.’ She kissed her mother on the cheek and went upstairs, headed for her room and wished, wished, wished she’d met Nick in a couple of months’ time, when she had her own flat.

  But as Alison climbed into bed, she knew it wasn’t that simple.

  In thirty days’ time, twenty-eight, in fact, she’d have been in more of a position to let him into her life.

  To climb on a bike and head into the hills and, yes, maybe not tonight, but the way her body had thrummed to his kiss, soon, very soon, the night would have had a very different conclusion. Her own reaction tonight, though so natural at the time, startled her now as she lay there. She wanted to ring him, right now this minute, to explain that this was out of character for her. That wine and kisses on the beach… She burnt at the memory, but it was in embarrassment now. She wasn’t like that—well, she was, but only with him.

  He’d hardly appreciate the admission, Alison realised. Nick had wanted fun, so too had she.

  Maybe it was better this way, Alison decided, turning to the wall and willing sleep to come.

  Maybe caution was merited here, even if she resisted it, because, as a little voice in her head grew louder, Nick would be around for a couple of months only and two weeks of that had already gone.

  Yes, if she had the flat, if she had some freedom, she could let him more into her life.

  But how much harder would it be then to have him leave?

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  ‘ALISON, could I have a word?’ Nick caught her right at the end of her shift on Friday when all week she’d done her absolute best to avoid him.

  Of course they’d talked, but about patients and things, and Alison had been very careful to take her break only when Nick was busy with a patient, but just as she thought she’d got through the working week he caught her at three-twenty p.m. as she and Ellie headed for the bus stop.

  ‘I’m rushing for the bus.’

  ‘We’ve already missed it, the next one isn’t due for twenty minutes.’ Ellie, dear Ellie, beamed. ‘I’ll wait for you at the stop.’

  ‘Sorry,’ he started, ‘I haven’t been avoiding you, and there just hasn’t been a chance to talk to you.’

  ‘I know.’ Alison smiled, even though she’d engineered it that way. ‘It’s been a crazy week.’

  ‘Look, about this weekend,’ Nick said. ‘I thought we could go out.’

  ‘You’re going away.’

  ‘I’d rather…’ There was a rare awkwardness to him. ‘I’m happy to give it a miss. I’d rather spend some time with you.’

  ‘I’ve got a family thing tonight…’ Alison said, which was now true. ‘My dad’s brother’s having a barbecue, it’s always a bit awkward…’ She saw him frown. ‘My dad’s dead, we get together and it always ends up a bit of a reminisce…’

  ‘What about the rest of the weekend?’ Nick was direct. It was a barbecue she was going to after all, so she struggled for an answer, one that let her off the hook.

  ‘I really have to go to the home furnishings store.’ It was the most pathetic of excuses. ‘I need some stuff for the flat.’

  Somehow, and she really didn’t know how and certainly not why, but for reasons of his own, a shopping trip and dinner at his place afterwards was more appealing to Nick than a bike ride in the mountains and somehow, and she did know why, he was still so very easy to talk to, still so very hard not to want to like. ‘I need to give the car a run,’ Nick explained when he offered to pick her up, ‘or the battery will go flat.’

  ‘I’ll see.’ She gave him a thin smile. ‘I just need to…’ She didn’t bother to explain, in fact she didn’t have to explain, Alison realised, didn’t have to tell him about every beat of her heart. ‘I’ll let you know.’

  She caught up with Ellie at the bus stop. ‘Thanks a lot.’ Alison gave her friend a wry smile. ‘I was actually trying to get away back there!’

  ‘Then you’re mad!’ Ellie said. ‘He’s gorgeous, he’s nice and from the way he’s always looking at you or, oh, so casually asks “Who’s on a late today?” or “Who’s on in the morning?” and loses interest after it gets to your name, I think we can all safely assume he likes you. Lucky thing.’

  ‘Hardly—he’s only here for a few weeks.’

  ‘So?’ Ellie gave her an odd look.

  ‘There’s just no point.’

  ‘Well, I suppose there’s no point if you’re looking for a husband.’ Ellie let out a laugh. ‘I don’t get you, Alison. He’s gorgeous. You were saying the other week you wanted some fun and adventure, and now it’s handed to you on a plate…’

  She wished, how she wished she could be more like Ellie, could see only the positives, but all Alison could see was a sure-fire recipe for hurt and she told Ellie so.

  ‘I like him,’ she admitted. ‘I could see myself really liking him.’

  ‘So go for it.’

  ‘You know what Mum’s like,’ Alison said. ‘Once I’ve got my own place…’

  Ellie just laughed. ‘How did you survive your teens? I mean, before…’ Yes, Ellie laughed at most things, but her voice did trail off then. She genuinely liked Rose and knew all Alison had been through.

  ‘Tim was the one who was always in trouble.’ Alison could smile at the memory now. ‘I used to just say I was staying at a friend’s if I wanted to go out.’

  ‘Do that, then.’ Ellie shrugged. ‘Till you get your own place, say you’re staying at mine. Anyway, by then you might find out that he’s the most crushing bore, or walk in to find him dressed in your underwear and stilettos. Go out and have some fun, for God’s sake…he doesn’t have to be “the one” to enjoy him.’

  Ellie was right.

  Alison stepped off the bus and instead of heading for home she walked on the beach, sensible shoes in hand. She felt the sand between her toes, and the sun warming her back, tasted the salt on her lips and felt the wind in her hair, and for the first time in years she tasted adv
enture, for the first time in so long Alison felt just a little bit free.

  She’d yearned for adventure, escape, and Nick was just that.

  Nick didn’t need to know all of her—Nick didn’t need to know that the nights out and kisses on the beach were rarities.

  She could do this, Alison told herself, walking past the very spot where they had lain. She could throw caution to the wind, could be the woman her body was begging her to be, could close her mind to the pitfalls and problems and for once just enjoy.

  But how? the sensible part of her mind asked. When even staying out after midnight required the stealth and ability to lie like a teenager to her mum. Surely the last thing Nick needed from a holiday romance was the crush of her problems landing in his lap.

  Why should she put herself through it?

  Because you want to.

  Nick’s voice seemed to carry on the wind, echoing her own thoughts, and she did want to.

  And surely she could handle it?

  She was far too serious about things, Alison conceded. It didn’t have to be for ever to be worthwhile.

  Around 10:30 if you can still make it.

  She held her breath and sent the text and then held it again till he replied: Great.

  And Ellie was right again.

  She didn’t want to lie to her mum, she didn’t want to have to lie to her mum, but she did enjoy having him in her life.

  And he could never be boring. As for Ellie’s other suggestion, well, the thought made her laugh.

  Right there at the barbecue that evening, as she cut herself a slice of pavlova, she let out a little laugh so, yes, she did enjoy having him in her life, even when he wasn’t there.

  As she stood, chatting to her uncles and aunts, there was an inner glow in knowing that she would see him tomorrow, just this extra smile as she described the flat to her uncle Ken, because she’d seen it with Nick.

  ‘I’m going to look at furniture tomorrow,’ Alison said as her mum came over. ‘I want to look at desks.’

  ‘I might come along,’ Rose replied. ‘I was thinking of getting some bar stools for the kitchen bench. Are you taking Tim’s car?’

  It was one of the reasons she rarely drove; the car would always be Tim’s. Her mother wouldn’t part with it, insisted Alison use it, then got teary when she did.

  ‘Actually, Nick’s taking me.’

  ‘Nick?’ Ken smiled, pleased to see his favourite niece not just with a sparkle in her eyes but gently standing up to his sister-in-law.

  ‘A friend from work,’ Alison said, smiling back at her uncle.

  And friends dropped around and friends were asked in.

  ‘Mum, this is Nick.’

  Alison tried very hard to treat him as if it were Ellie or Moira or just any friend coming in on Saturday morning before they headed out for a shopping expedition. Rose did the same as Alison finished getting ready, offering him a cup of tea, which Nick accepted, and chatting to him about the hospital and about England and how she and her late husband had wanted to take a trip around Europe when they retired.

  ‘So you’re just here for a couple of months, then?’ Alison heard her mum saying as she walked into the kitchen.

  ‘That’s the plan.’ Nick nodded. ‘I’ve got a cousin in New Zealand who’s getting married.’ Nick was pleasant and polite, and from the way he chatted he was in no rush to head out—in fact, he even accepted Rose’s offer of some toast and ginger marmalade.

  ‘Alison can’t stand it,’ Rose said as Alison rolled her eyes. ‘It was Tim’s favourite.’

  ‘Tim?’ Nick said as the air in Alison’s chest stopped moving.

  ‘My son,’ Rose said, and thankfully Nick didn’t push. But his eyes swept past her a couple of times to the endless photos on the mantelpiece and when Alison went to her bedroom to find a missing shoe, it came as no surprise when Rose followed her.

  ‘What time will you be back from the shops?’

  ‘Actually…’ Alison swallowed. ‘There’s a party on tonight. Vicky, one of the A and E nurses, is getting engaged.’ She saw her mother’s rapid blink. ‘I told you last week.’ Which she had, and it was true, except Vicky was actually Ellie’s friend and Alison’s was more a casual invitation than an expected guest, and she could have sworn she felt her nose grow a touch as she continued. ‘She’s down the road from Ellie—Ellie said I could stay at hers.’ She gave her mum a hurried kiss on the cheek. ‘I’ll text and let you know what’s happening.’

  And then finally, finally, they were in the car and heading off, and following blue lines to a parking spot.

  ‘You’d rather this than a bike ride in the mountains?’ Alison commented as she grabbed a pencil and tape measure.

  ‘We can do that another time,’ Nick replied, and Alison walked on in silence. ‘I’ve missed this.’ He nudged her as they walked through. ‘I’m not joking. I want to do something normal.’

  He was actually very helpful. The fact he had seen the flat, combined with a male brain, meant he could remember strange details like there was a window where she wanted that large bookshelf, and that there was no way on earth that desk was going to fit where Alison intended.

  ‘It’s the same the world over.’ Nick grinned as they sat in the canteen with their meatballs and chips and red berry jam amidst frazzled couples, yet maybe because they weren’t a couple and it wasn’t their bed or their sofa they were buying, they could just sit there and enjoy. Nick even bought her a little bottle of wine with a glass that screwed to the bottle.

  ‘I’m going to keep this.’ Alison was delighted.

  ‘Emergency supplies for your bedroom!’ Nick said, and went up to get one for himself too. It was just a tiny reference that he’d picked up on the tension at home, though he said nothing else about it.

  Not until later, much later when they were sitting on the balcony, having eaten a mountain of prawns. Nick had cooked and Alison had tossed a salad—a ten-minute meal that would stay in her memory for ever. They were looking out at the ocean and the view was somehow nicer than the one from the bus and from the one walking on the beach. The sun was setting behind them, the colours reflecting on the water, and the waves were very active that evening. She had pinched one of his jumpers and it was worrying how nice his company was, how thrilling it felt to just be with him—for normal things to be so invigorating. He made no suggestion that they go out, or head off to Vicky’s party, gave no indication the day had been less exciting than what he was used to.

  In fact, for Nick, silence, mutual silence, was lovely.

  For months now he’d been a guest—in another country, or at a friend’s, or a hotel or hostel, or a hospital—with strangers who were about to become friends. Yes, it was fun and exhilarating, but it was also exhausting—perpetual new faces at breakfast, having to dress for bed in case you needed to get up in the night to go to the loo. It had been a welcome relief to have, after all this time, a flat to himself and a glimmer of a routine, but he shared that precious space with surprising ease now.

  And looking over at Alison, who was staring out to the ocean she loved, there was no need to regale, just a deeper need to know, to go that bit further, to find out a little more, and so he asked her.

  ‘What happened to Tim?’

  She’d sort of known that the question would come all day, and in some way she’d been waiting for it.

  ‘He was with my dad,’ Alison said. ‘They were fishing.’ He didn’t say anything and she was glad of that. ‘The weather wasn’t that bad, probably a day like this. They got into trouble, ended up too close to the rocks…’

  ‘When?’

  ‘Two, nearly three years ago. I’d finished my training—I was doing some shifts in emergency before I headed off overseas.’

  ‘They weren’t, I mean, you weren’t there when they…?’ She could hear the dread in his voice and immediately she shook her head.

  ‘No. I wasn’t at work or anything. I was sharing a flat with friends. I got a call from
Mum to come straight home and the police were at the house when I got there. It was all over by then.’

  ‘Doesn’t it kill you,’ Nick said, after a very long silence, ‘working in Emergency?’

  Again Alison shook her head.

  ‘I like it. Dad and Tim never even got to Emergency—at least the people who get there have some chance. It’s nice to see that there are some happy endings, despite the most terrible odds.’

  ‘It’s not just the kids that upset you, is it?’ He remembered that morning how he had learnt something, he just wasn’t sure what.

  ‘It’s the family.’ Alison nodded. ‘All that’s taken away, and the chaos that they’re thrown into…not just the ones who are killed. Like with David. That interview was so important to him—and it all just fell apart. I know in the greater scheme of things his wife and daughter were far more important, but I can remember when Tim and Dad had their accident—I was supposed to be flying out at the weekend and I knew it didn’t matter, but it did.’ She closed her eyes as she tried to explain it. ‘I felt selfish even thinking about me, but I did and I wanted someone to step in, to cancel the tickets, to deal with the airline, to deal with the details, to help look after Mum.’

  ‘How’s your mum now?’

  Alison shrugged. ‘Stuck in a time warp, really. I moved home when it happened, but…’ She looked over into his kind green eyes and even though she’d sworn not to land it on him, somehow, under his gaze, she could. ‘She’s petrified of anything happening to me. I’m petrified of it too,’ Alison admitted. ‘Not for me, though, but for her. I mean, how would she cope if something happened to me?’

  ‘You can’t live like that.’

  ‘I know,’ Alison said. ‘Which is why in a few weeks’ time I’ll have my own place, and won’t have to account for my every move.’ She gave him a smile, tried to move the conversation away, because he didn’t belong in that space. ‘It’s complicated.’ She gave a small shrug. ‘It doesn’t matter.’